Freaking Out!

rachelt92
rachelt92 Posts: 2 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
So, I have been dieting for probably the past two years now. I have not dieted completely for the whole duration, but the majority of it would be a fair statement!

I got really obsessive with my weight and calorie counting at the start of the two years, and since then obsession has completely taken over my day to day life - I mean, I log every little mouthful I eat, and completely freak out if a 2kcal piece of gum pushes me over my calorie goal for the day.

I also suffer with binge eating, and, quite ashamedly, have suffered with the post purge that is often associated. I know theoretically why I binge eat - I suffer from depression and anxiety and tend to over eat as a way to move my focus to something else rather than the thoughts in my head.

When I first started all of this malarkey, I weighed about 7 stone 13lbs - I am 5 foot 7. Now, I weigh approx. 10 stone - so as you can imagine, I am going through a pretty rough patch at the moment!
I realise, by the way, that 7 stone 13lbs was NOT a healthy weight for my height, and I'm not trying to get back to that again, I constantly check my BMI on the NHS website, and know that anything below 8 stone 6 is classed as underweight for my height - so I'd be really happy with anywhere between 8 stone 7 and 9 stone.

So, I just wanted to give a little bit of background, never posted on here before so not entirely sure of the etiquette! :happy:

But the reason for my post - this morning I am pissed off with myself. Last week I was doing really well, sticking to 600kcal a day for the majority of the working week - I was only eating 600 because I was going to the Good Food festival at Hampton Court at the weekend and wanted to splurge in all honesty - and god did I splurge! I must have eaten about 5000kcal.

On Sunday I didn't eat too badly, my boyfriend bought me like a nutri bullet thing, so I mostly drank smoothies - that being said I did shove some Malibu in with some blitzed up pineapple - very blooming nice by the way! I also had some medjool dates and a vegetable and chicken stirfry with no noodles other than the spoonful I stole from the boyfriends plate. In the evening I did drink more ciders than I probably should of...but it was Bank Holiday!

Then Monday happened. I was feeling severely depressed on Bank Holiday Monday. I actually didn't eat anything until about 3pm, and by that point I started to get grumpy, moaning to the BF there was nothing to eat in the house (there was - only healthy stuff though) so he decided to go out and get me some of my favourite foods - peanut butter, bread and museli.

I ate tons of the stuff. I'm talking bucket loads. Practically finished the whole bag of museli. I even felt bad for eating so much, forced myself to throw up and then went back for more. Absolutely crazy behaviour! I just couldn't stop. Again I must have clocked up about 5000kcal.

I was really annoyed with myself before I went to bed Monday, feeling really sick and ****ty. Friday morning I weighed 9 stone 10lbs, which meant that my hard work had paid off only eating 600kcal during the working week as I was 5lbs down - so you can imagine I was dreading weighing myself on Tuesday morning after a weekend like that!

I saved myself the agony and weighed myself yesterday instead - and to my surprise I was only 9 stone 13lbs, FEWF!! On both Tuesday and Wednesday I only ate about 1000kcal, which freaked me out in itself as I am convinced I put on weight if I eat anything above 600kcal.

Well, my theory is yet to be proven wrong as this morning I weighed myself and the scale read 10 stone 2.2lbs!! so that's a 3lb increase since YESTERDAY!!

This morning, I have been feeling very down about my weight and because of this have reached for a few sweet treats - I have had a hot chocolate totalling 240kcal and a biscuit that was 74 and I am FREAKING OUT! my mind is now torn between just binge eating, heading out on my break and buying a family size bar of dairy milk and scoffing it in my 5 minute walk back or not eating anything else for the rest of the day.

What I suppose I'm trying to get at is that my eating habits are unbelievably messed up and I have a seriously unhealthy relationship with food.

Because when I was 7 stone 13lbs I only used to eat between 300 and 600kcal the majority of the time, I think my metabolism is seriously messed up, which is why I don't lose weight even when eating 1000kcal. I have no idea how to rectify this.

I just feel so helpless and like I'm never ever going to lose weight.

I realise this is a mammoth message with lots of unnecessary information, but any thoughts on my behaviour would be much appreciated - I don't know, maybe if any of you can relate??

Thanks :)

Replies

  • Liftng4Lis
    Liftng4Lis Posts: 15,151 Member
    seek professional help.
  • shadow2soul
    shadow2soul Posts: 7,692 Member
    1) You seem to have issues with food and really it sounds like a lot of ED behavior going on.
    http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/information-referral-helpline

    2)
    :heart: Weight – So many things can affect weight, because of this it shouldn’t be the only way you track your progress. Things to keep in mind:
    :drinker: Always use the same scale – Different scales can show different weights. You will get the most accurate number for tracking when using the same scale.
    :drinker: Don’t move the scale – Carpet, uneven flooring, different types of flooring…can all affect the weight on the scale. So when you weigh, you want it to be approximately the same spot for the most accurate number for tracking.
    :drinker: 3500 calories – To gain 1lb of fat you need to be over maintenance by 3500 calories.
    :drinker: Muscle Repair – Muscles will hold onto water to repair, because of this it is not uncommon to see a gain for a little while after a workout. This weight comes right back off when they are done repairing.
    :drinker: Sodium – Can cause you to retain water. This can also be amplified if you don’t drink enough to flush it out of your system. This is also another reason for temporary weight gain.
    :drinker: Water – Not drinking enough water can actually cause you to retain water. Recommended amount is 8 cups or 64oz. I drink 64 oz to 128 oz of water a day. It doesn’t have to be plain water either. I like to flavor mine with crystal light or tea.
    :drinker: Time of day – Your weight can fluctuate throughout the day. So for the most accurate tracking, you want to weigh at around the same time.
    :drinker: Frequency – This is up to you, but if small fluctuations bother you than only weigh once a week or less.
    :drinker: Lightest Weight – Will be naked, first thing in the morning, after using the bathroom
    :drinker: Multiple times a Day – Don’t Do It. As I said before, your weight will fluctuate throughout the day. What you eat, what you’re wearing, ect will all affect weight.
    :drinker: Clothes – If you weigh with clothing on, keep in mind that the scale will show your weight plus the weight of your clothes. (Jeans are heavy)
    :drinker: TOM - A lot of women will retain water around their TOM, but its just temporary and will go away.
  • annietud
    annietud Posts: 33 Member
    Your going to make yourself ill. Go to your doctor.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    speak to a doctor.
  • psuLemon
    psuLemon Posts: 38,428 MFP Moderator
    I would seriously seek some professional help. You seem to have a very unhealthy relationship with food. Below is a resource to start.


    http://myfitnesspal.desk.com/customer/portal/articles/1575987-eating-disorder-resources
  • rachelt92
    rachelt92 Posts: 2 Member
    I would like to point out that I have spoken to several doctors and even saw a councillor. They literally did nothing apart from try to put me on antidepressants - which I do not want to take.
    The councillor told me she couldn't help me with my eating. She referred me to a kind of health worker in the NHS, who was absolutely lovely but only gave me leaflets on healthy eating. I understand food groups etc. and healthy eating, and BMR and BMI etc. etc.

    I suppose in someway I just wanted clarification that my behaviour really is bizarre and that maybe I should try seeking professional help again.

    So thanks :smile:
  • lamps1303
    lamps1303 Posts: 432 Member
    Weighing yourself seems to trigger your binges if you aren't happy with the number on the scale. Perhaps don't weigh yourself for a few weeks.

    Definitely seek some help with your relationship with food. It is certainly not healthy.
  • SideSteel
    SideSteel Posts: 11,068 Member
    seek professional help.


    ^ This.
  • Tilran
    Tilran Posts: 627 Member
    So first of let me say that I cannot relate to your situation and I agree with the advice given by many on getting professional help.

    Your post was far too long for me to try tackle all of it, but let me just hit a few points that stuck out.

    You ate 600 calories a day for a whole week because you wanted to eat a lot on the weekend....if that is a rare occasion, fine. Don't make a habit of this.

    You mentioned you were grumpy and then binge ate.....this could stem from your low calorie diet. A diet should not be extremely low calorie....a diet should be a life change....eating the RIGHT amount of calories for your body. When you punish your body, your body will punish you back....you cannot beat yourself.

    Do us all a favor and find out your BMR and TDEE....reduce your TDEE number by 500...and eat at that level for a while....let your body adjust and go through its motions for about 2-3 months...(weight will fluctuate) and eventually you will see dependable progress.

    As far as the purging...that is not normal, and you should seek professional help if that continues.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    I would like to point out that I have spoken to several doctors and even saw a councillor. They literally did nothing apart from try to put me on antidepressants - which I do not want to take.
    The councillor told me she couldn't help me with my eating. She referred me to a kind of health worker in the NHS, who was absolutely lovely but only gave me leaflets on healthy eating. I understand food groups etc. and healthy eating, and BMR and BMI etc. etc.

    I suppose in someway I just wanted clarification that my behaviour really is bizarre and that maybe I should try seeking professional help again.

    So thanks :smile:

    You need professionals that are well versed in eating disorders, not just any counselor.
  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
    Go back to the GP

    Tell him that you are worried you have an eating disorder

    Print out your OP and show it to him/her

    Get referred to an ED clinic

    You need to get healthy
  • NathanFronk
    NathanFronk Posts: 137 Member
    You're fine.
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,371 Member
    I suppose in someway I just wanted clarification that my behaviour really is bizarre and that maybe I should try seeking professional help again.

    It's not "bizarre" at all -- in the eating disorder world, it's pretty much textbook behaviour. Bonus points if you hide it from family/friends.

    Professional help is definitely warranted but, as others have said, seek it from eating disorder specialists. If you're as open with them as you have been here, you will get the help you need.
  • tara_means_star
    tara_means_star Posts: 957 Member
    A regular counselor may not be knowledgeable about eating disorders. It would benefit you to seek someone specialized in this field as they will be able to help you MUCH better than the professionals you saw before. I would encourage you to definitely find someone knowledgeable about what your going through and how it effects you--that person may be able to really help whereas the regular medical and counseling professionals are largely uneducated about this topic. I wish you luck!
  • Raynne413
    Raynne413 Posts: 1,527 Member
    Your story is very similar to mine. I got help from both a therapist and a nutritionist specializing in eating disorders. The one thing I learned is that the over-restriction is what CAUSES the binging. And it starts an impossible cycle to get out of, because then you want to restrict even more to "make up" for the binging. With the help of professionals, I'm in recovery (I hope), but I learned that I have to eat enough calories and enough fat (especially fat) and not work out too much. I also have to make sure I get enough sleep. That helps. Even though I KNOW what I HAVE to do, I still have to fight the mental dialogue that enjoys seeing large deficits and working out. If you don't start eating more, you will continue in the same cycle you are in. Please rethink what you are doing, and get some good people that specialize in eating disorders to help you.
  • starrylioness
    starrylioness Posts: 543 Member
    Go back to the GP

    Tell him that you are worried you have an eating disorder

    Print out your OP and show it to him/her

    Get referred to an ED clinic

    You need to get healthy

    THIS.
  • Hell_Flower
    Hell_Flower Posts: 348 Member
    You're fine.

    ^You're an idiot.^

    OP - seek help. Get a second or third opinion. The NHS has a vast array of helpful and unhelpful people. Just work your way through until you see a helpful one. You'll find one, I promise.

    An eating disorder has a million shades of grey in it and what you have described is definitely NOT a healthy way of eating. Not by a long shot.
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
    I would like to point out that I have spoken to several doctors and even saw a councillor. They literally did nothing apart from try to put me on antidepressants - which I do not want to take.
    The councillor told me she couldn't help me with my eating. She referred me to a kind of health worker in the NHS, who was absolutely lovely but only gave me leaflets on healthy eating. I understand food groups etc. and healthy eating, and BMR and BMI etc. etc.

    I suppose in someway I just wanted clarification that my behaviour really is bizarre and that maybe I should try seeking professional help again.

    So thanks :smile:

    Ah, that's a bummer. I'm glad you've sought help, but yes, to help you clarify: your eating behaviors are bizarre to anyone without an ED.

    As others have said, perhaps look into specific clinics or counselors in your area that are catered to EDs; EDs often require someone who specializes in them.
  • tmauck4472
    tmauck4472 Posts: 1,785 Member
    You're fine.

    Seriously? SMDH
  • lillyrose2020
    lillyrose2020 Posts: 178 Member
    If you are freaking out over your BMI then there is no need. At your heiight of 5'7, your healthy range is from 8st6 to 11st6 so in the real world you are fine. But you have an eating disorder so that won't matter to you. Like everyone has said, get back to your doctor as it will be impossible to overcome alone. Good luck to you.
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
    Further adding, as I had some more thoughts:
    I saved myself the agony and weighed myself yesterday instead - and to my surprise I was only 9 stone 13lbs, FEWF!! On both Tuesday and Wednesday I only ate about 1000kcal, which freaked me out in itself as I am convinced I put on weight if I eat anything above 600kcal.

    Well, my theory is yet to be proven wrong as this morning I weighed myself and the scale read 10 stone 2.2lbs!! so that's a 3lb increase since YESTERDAY!!

    Well, technically, you surprised yourself with how little the scale moved up after a binge, correct? So IS your theory really being proven correct? If the scale went up further, even after a low day, it's most likely just water retention... and in my experience, eating more than you're used to can back you up for a few days (so even if you're having regular bowel movements, you might need a few days to clear yourself out).

    I don't deny that years of undereating probably slowed things down, but I can also tell you (though I don't like to rely on anecdotes): I was in the same boat, I have no thyroid, I had my adrenals shut down twice AND I have constantly fluctuating thyroid levels... and even I don't gain at 1000k. And it doesn't appear you do, either; you're just dealing with normal fluctuations that make people like us (People with or recovering from EDs) freak out.

    Though I still urge you to find someone specialized in EDs to help you, you might want to look into reverse dieting in regards to "healing" your metabolism.
  • Velum_cado
    Velum_cado Posts: 1,608 Member
    Go back to the GP. Do not leave until you get a referral to someone who can help you with your eating disorder.

    In the meantime, see if you can focus on eating to keep yourself healthy instead of eating under a certain calorie goal. So plenty of fruit and veg, lean protein, make sure you're drinking enough water. Try to shift your focus.
  • caracrawford1
    caracrawford1 Posts: 657 Member
    I think that you are very sick right now and need professional help to get better.

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