The moment I realized ...

I thought I would just share the very moment that I realized that my self confidence was just a denial mechanisn that I had put into place to ignore the fact that I had become obese.

It feels good to write all of this stuff down. Its like therapy, but its free. Not sure anyone will care, but here goes anyway. (Beware: this is a long blog)

So a little over a month ago I had ordered some pants online at my favorite plus size store. Being 6'0" tall I usually but pants online since I always need the tall sizes, and the stores hardly ever carry them.

I ordered what I thought was my size and waited. Excited for the arrival of my new pants.

One day I get home from work to find my package was waiting for me on my front steps. My husband wasn't home yet from school, so I grabbed the package and nearly ran to my room to try them on.

I first opened all of the bags and began to admire my new clothes. I was so happy to have new clothes. With my husband unemployed and going back to school, money had been tight. So it was good to get new clothes.

I grabbed my favorite pair of the bunch and began to put them on. Then in a moment of horror, I realized that the damn things wouldn't even go up past my thighs!

I quickly took them off and looked at the reciept to see if I had ordered the wrong size. Nope, I ordered the correct size. Then I decided to take a look to see if they had sent the wrong size. I picked up the pants and checked the inside label. I think the blood drained from my face when I saw that it too was correct. My heart fell into my stomach.

In a last ditch effort I decided I would try on another of the pairs just to be sure the manufacturer hadn't mislabeled the jeans. (I know pretty desperate) One by one I had tried to put on all four of the pants, and one by one they all didn't come up past my thighs.

I took the four pairs, and the packing, the invoice, box and all and threw them on the floor. I couldn't believe it! My face immedialtely got red and hot tears spilled down my flushed cheeks. I began to sob.

Who am I? How did I let myself get like this? I was the girl who never had to worry about her weight, I was the girl with the well proportioned body who ate pizza and drank beer with the guys. How had let myself creep up and up to close to 100lbs past my ideal weight.

As I sat at the edge of my bed crying and feeling despair, I thought of how over the past years I have avoided getting my picture taken, how I would avoid situations where me and my oversized butt would have to be noticed.

I thought about how I slowly had lost contact with all the people in my life who would remember me as the thin girl I was in college. How a group of my old college buddies had gotten together and how I had made some lame excuse as to why I couldn't be there because I didn't want to see the looks on their faces when they saw how much weight I had gained. For god sake's my nickname in college was Hottie. I realize this had a lot to do with the fact that my last name was Hott, but even still, I thought there was a little hottie in me.

WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME???

I knew my husband would be coming home soon and I was suddenly ashamed and embarassed. I didn't want to have to explain to him, why my face was red and wet with tears. Why my eyes had swollen, and my mascara was streaked across my face.

I quickly gathered the box the pants and the packing, and shoved them into the back of the closet. I slipped out of the rest of my clothes and hopped into the shower.

The hot water felt good against my face, and it seemed to wash the sadness away. I felt suddenly emboldened to face the fact that I was now obese, and damnit I was going to do something about it. As much as I wanted to I would not stew in my self-pity.

Well... that was it. That was the moment when the curtain of denial fell, and I saw myself as others saw me.

I never did tell my husband about that horrid afternoon. The box is still in the back of my closet. But instead of being a source of sadness, it is my source of inspiration.

It will be the first milestone in acheiving a healthier lifestyle, and a healthier me. I am not sure how much weight I will have to lose to be able to fit into them, but I will let myslef attempt to pull the box from the back of the closet when I feel the time is right.

For right now it is a symbol of the life changing moment I had one afternoon all by myself in the privacy of my home.