First binge this time around

I did moderately well when I first joined MFP a few years ago, but then sabotaged myself, binged, and just never got back on the horse.

I'm about 5 weeks in this time, and for the first time ever I'm tracking my calories. I hate doing that and kept trying to do it "my way" before, and this time I decided I was going to have to bite the bullet and do it the hard way because "my way" of just being strict with myself and counting on having the will power to not choose fattening foods never worked.

It's been painless and I've really enjoyed the feelings of optimism and hope that comes from the progress I've made.

Today was my first binge. (For me a binge is when I mentally say "I don't care about calories and I'm going to eat all the things I most love - but usually only eat in moderation - all at once until I am stuffed. And then I'm asking for the dessert menu." So, I did. Then I came home and had a nap.

I just finished filling out my food diary. I had to estimate since I didn't have a scale with me at the restaurant and wasn't tracking as I went. I'm sure I erred on the side of overestimating calories, but it's probably pretty close.

I ate almost double my daily calories. And, for a HUGE change, I don't feel horribly disappointed and angry at me. For a second, the old desperation got me and I thought, "if I can just eat half my calories tomorrow, then I'll be back on track! They'll cancel each other out!"

And then I reminded myself that it's that cycle of stumbling a little and then throwing myself down the stairs that has always ended up with me failing and quitting. Or, like I've seen someone on here say, dropping your cell phone and then figuring, what the hell, I might as well start jumping up and down on it, too.

So, I'll go on just as if the binge never happened. I'm not going to do food penance for it, fail short again, use that as an excuse to eat all the bread and butter and cheese and cream I want, and then get so bummed I feel like getting back on track after a few days of that is insurmountable and feel like I have to start over from scratch. Another time. Maybe next week, since this week is shot, you know?

Nope, it was a little out of control, but I'm not going to try and erase it by under-eating, I'm just going to move on.

And that bread and butter was absolute heaven, until the cannoli came along and showed me what heaven really is. It was delicious and I am not going to let shame bring me down. I'm just going to keep on keeping on.