Failing, Falling & Crying

FitRodr
FitRodr Posts: 353 Member
in Motivation and Support
I've been putting off this post for awhile. I am up 18 lbs from where I want to be and 23 from my thinnest.I maintained for about 18 months. I feel defeated. I gain a few, lose a few but don't get back to where I was. I do know what to do but just can't seem to get it under control. Every day is a struggle. I complete my diary and go over a lot of days. I exercise, but do it knowing it will just cover my bad choices for the day. Today when I looked in the mirror naked I was so discouraged. The curves I worked so hard to get are filling in more and more. The clothes I was so happy to fit into are tighter and tighter. I bought bigger capris the other day. Something I swore I wouldn't do. My ticker keeps going up.

Here's the thing, I KNOW what to do, I know what it takes. I just can't seem to overcome the urges I feel. I look at it and say "bad choice", I hold it and say "put it down" but I put it in my mouth anyway. Then I beat myself up, then I say f' it for the day and go overboard. I write "it's a new day" but when I get that privilege I blow it. I'm consumed with food, either worrying that I've eaten too much or dreading the temptations I will face. So, again today I started fresh. I made little cards for my office, my purse and the snack cabinet at home. I listed the top ten reasons I want to eat right. I'm going to share them with you all because here is where I am accountable, here is where I come for inspiration. when I am thinner 1. I liked the way my clothes feel 2.I feel sexy 3. I feel fun 4. I feel healthy 5. I feel confident 6. I feel less stressed 7. No muffin tops in t-shirts 8. I feel successful 9. I feel in control 10. I feel happier. I'm going to make a great effort to look at these before I stuff something in my mouth.

I cry to my husband because the scale keeps creeping up. He doesn't understand because he is losing weight and doesn't want to. He's so sweet and says he loves me no matter what. But I feel deep inside like I'm not attractive to him. I know I have your support but today I feel like a failure. I feel like I let this community down by falling back into this pit. I'm not maintaining, I'm falling. This is a horrible struggle and I know many of you face it too. I'm exhausted mentally. I don't want to be that fat person again, really I don't. If you are reading this and you're new to mfp. I want to tell you it works but there can be setbacks. I once committed to a lifelong lifestyle change. Sitting here typing there are tears rolling down my cheeks. Why can't I do this? I have a great life, husband, kids, job, family, friends. Other than this struggle my life is really very easy.

This battle I'm fighting is bigger than me. Literally it is bigger than I want it to be. I'm not asking for pity. I don't write on the boards much. But I needed to share my struggle and hope that by doing it I will conquer the secrets I am keeping. If you're struggling you're not alone. That's what I need to remind myself.

Feeling overwhelmed,
Cathy

Replies

  • Hotshoe1200
    Hotshoe1200 Posts: 46 Member
    Wow! You are going through what I have gone through over and over. Though great at planning and making spreadsheets and charts, I have always failed at execution.

    What you did by sharing and making a public commitment is one heck of a good starting point. Do yourself a favor and don't look back now that you've done it. Forgive yourself!

    I will share something with you that might help. My worst eating happens in the evening. I was invited to participate in a fitness and nutrition challenge by a friend and it involves a meal replacement shake. I was at a good point in my life to say yes. I chose to use the shake at night for dinner so that my entire day would have structure. I was very good at a reasonable breakfast and lunch, but nights were a free for all. The shake gave me a definite plan for every dinner. And it has helped a lot. Maybe you could pick the time of day you tend to be tempted and make a plan for what your food will be ahead of time?

    And maybe you can find another person or a group that can help with the accountability. I see my friend several times a week at a karate class so I really feel accountable.

    Whatever method you choose, good luck. Being here and not giving up is the way to go.
  • zericaaaaa
    zericaaaaa Posts: 313 Member
    I feel your pain :/ I originally lost 50lbs and ended up gaining more than half of that back. ever since, I've been struggling to meet my goals. Its been almost 3 months since I've recommitted and I don't have too much to show for it. All I can do is wake up every day and try again. Something I am going to start trying is to literally take a step back when I find myself reaching for food I shouldn't be having. Walk a lap around the house, take a step outside. Just physically remove yourself from the situation for a moment so you can reflect on what you're about to do and how it will affect your goals. Drink some water, do whatever it takes to occupy your mind for a few minutes so you can get some perspective on the situation. I have yet to do this, but I'll let you know if it works for me :)
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
    I lost 40 lbs and then started gaining, put 15 back on, felt terrible, felt like I was losing control. I did not want to buy bigger clothes. I had to set boundaries with myself telling myself No. I had to start taking care of myself and not abusing my body. I had to make myself a priority. I don't have junk food in the house. If I want something over my calorie limit, I tell myself I can have it tomorrow, I had to learn not to emotionally eat, when I get aggravated I go to food. Also, Geneen Roth's books helped me a lot overcoming emotional eating. Learn to say No and take care of yourself. If I can do it, you can also.

    I am working on finding pleasure in doing other things than eating. When I get overly tired I want to eat. I have little talks with myself saying food does not help. Seems once I am aware of this I can back off. I say you are tired, you are not hungry, same with stressed, you are aggravated, food wont help. I just noticed you are 51, menopause age. I did not have MFP then but I am 61 now and I did have a hard time with my weight and emotions at that age. Hope you do better soon. I finally did. Might be a lot of it harmones.
  • lh1626
    lh1626 Posts: 241 Member
    I felt like I was reading my own story when I read yours. I can absolutely relate and am in the same boat. 2012 was the beat year for me and carried into 2013 until about easter. I fell down and have not been able to get back to that person again. It has been so frustrating for me but last night was the kicker....I did the Ice Bucket challenge and had my husband record it. I was mortified at what I saw when I played it back. I could not believe that fat chubby person was me and I didn't even know how big I had gotten. I started my change with dinner last night....I can't stop thinking about that video...that awful post on Facebook and how embarrassing it is for me. I feel like I may be bouncing back but I won't know until I get back into my exercise routine. If you need anyone to talk with or need encouragement, please message me. I could use some motivation and a friend who knows how I feel...thanks and good luck! We can do this! :drinker:
  • keyer23
    keyer23 Posts: 114 Member
    I am amazed.... honestly I could have written this almost WORD for WORD. Cathy, you are telling my story! I would only need to change a few numbers and I could make it mine. Here goes:

    "I've been putting off this post for awhile. I am up 12 lbs from where I want to be and 20 from my thinnest.I maintained for about 24 months. I feel defeated. I gain a few, lose a few but don't get back to where I was. I do know what to do but just can't seem to get it under control (I feel helpless). Every day is a struggle (I am TIRED!) I complete my diary and go over a lot of days (600+ consecutive days of logging). I exercise, but do it knowing it will just cover my bad choices for the day ( The more I work out the more I get to eat, right?). Today when I looked in the mirror naked I was so discouraged (what happened to ME?). The curves I worked so hard to get are filling in more and more. (I've lost my waist). The clothes I was so happy to fit into are tighter and tighter (yikes .. and NO it's not muscle) . I bought bigger capris the other day. (YEP, me, too) Something I swore I wouldn't do (uh-huh). My ticker keeps going up (indeed)."

    See? It told you.

    Now, does that make you feel better or change your situation? NO. But... it is comforting to me to know I am not alone in my battle. There are times when this is a lonely place. I feel sure that I am abnormal in some way it this is just happening to me. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this. You have brought me some peace which I have been struggling mightily to find lately. I know you well enough to know you will hang in there and keep up the effort. Me too. We are SO much alike in SO many ways. So let's just keep putting one foot in front of the other, make the next right choice and keep chugging away. The results are sure to follow. I have been talking at length with my trainer, who I've been working with several days a week since JANUARY, about my exercise and diet and we are planning to shake things up a bit. It's hard for me to believe I am still this yo-yo even under his tutelage. I'll let you know how it works out and will certainly pass along any tips.

    In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You have done a phenomenal job over the past few years. You deserve all the credit in the world! Please hang in there. You've got this girlfriend!
  • pelleld
    pelleld Posts: 363 Member
    Cathy...Just like Kerrin I could have written this post myself, the numbers are different but the struggles and emotions are the same. I can't seem to get the eating under control and the clothes are indeed getting more snug. I also feel like a failure for having gained some of the weight back. I have not fully updated my ticker, just having trouble admitting what's happened. You've inspired me to do that, to be honest with myself and everyone else. That will be my first step once I finish typing this reply.

    I am like you, I know what to do I am just not doing it. I am keeping toned and fit by going to the gym but my body is used to what I am doing and I'm not burning enough to lose. I am also getting very lax in my eating...a bite here, a nibble there, along with just plain old bad eating. I'm working on figuring out what is going on with me but it sure does make me feel better to know that I am not struggling alone. I've had a few "ah ah" moments but not enough to pull myself together. I also need to rethink my goals....I think I'm going to try for 118 instead of 115. That will allow me to keep some of my curves.....I was looking a little "straight" at 115.

    Perhaps we could make a real concerted effort to support each other and keep in touch during this tough time. That might help us all :)

    I am sending good thoughts your way...together we can kick those pounds to the curb!

    Lisa
  • FitRodr
    FitRodr Posts: 353 Member
    Thank you ladies! We'll get there! This morning I woke up and decided to fight for it (again). But I'm not giving up, just feel kicked in the gut sometimes. Thanks for your support as always you are great friends.

    Hugs!
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    I think a lot of us will get it! I'd say... try to focus on how horrible you're feeling. And think that every time you resist temptation, it's going to make you feel awesome. And feeling awesome is better than feeling horrible.
  • esme_gooshy
    esme_gooshy Posts: 13 Member
    Hi Cathy,

    No way!! You really have to look back and see how far you have come . You should feel so PROUD of whT you have accomplished already. Not everyone can say that! You continue to hold yourself accountable and this is why you posted this blog. You are blessed and have your amazing Family to enjoy & not dwell on the 18 lbs to lose. Your weight is not limiting your ability to enjoy your everyday activities with family or to work even. Enjoy Life , everyday to its fullest because life is too short. A gentle at work went on vacation and did not return home alive:( he had a stroke & was obese. So sad because he was a very loving guy. Just show that we have to enjoy our life & family and be grateful for everything we have. Not what we don't have. And be grateful you are healthy to have the energy to do it. I also had a friend you underwent the gastro bypass because she couldn't even get off the car to take her kid to the park to play because she was so morbidly obese. So many people struggling in various ways. We just got to keep pushing and continue being active. What if you assign a day of the week to have something you really want & this way you won't feel deprived and not beat yourself up about it. Always keep healthy snacks at hand and when you want to grab that unhealthy snack just pop in some almonds and take a gulp of some water to fill up. :-) you can do it !!!
  • Bellavita2888
    Bellavita2888 Posts: 36 Member
    I hear you. Did you ever try -Weight loss meditation- on YouTube? ranges from 6 min+. Choose one you like ,have a listen. Can help when your mind is racing.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,329 Member
    maybe you need to stop focusing on a scale weight and focus on something else like how your clothes fit
  • QueenBishOTUniverse
    QueenBishOTUniverse Posts: 14,121 Member
    maybe you need to stop focusing on a scale weight and focus on something else like how your clothes fit

    I really can't second this strongly enough. Try to shift your focus from your weight and "bad choices" to how your body feels and making "good choices". And because no one else has said it yet, have you tried lifting weights?

    I know a lot of women who have completely put body weight and the scale behind them because they shifted their focus to getting stronger. There's a thread going right now..... maybe go take a look and see if that's something your interested in.

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1418812-deadlift-pr-and-a-happy-anna
  • snusp
    snusp Posts: 93 Member
    So sorry to read about your struggles! I don't know the solution, as I fight the same fight every week. I just keep my fingers crossed you'll find the answer and lose those pounds again. I'll keep thinking of you! Lots of Love!
  • keefmac
    keefmac Posts: 313 Member
    It's all down to hard work, all the people who post up their success stories have worked very hard to reach their goals over years and worked hard to maintain it.

    Unfortunately there's no shortcuts..
  • iamladygusta
    iamladygusta Posts: 42
    Awesome post! By expressing your struggle you've started to break the cycle. One thing that has really helped with me is a program I'm participating in. They hold me accountable--I need to stay within a certain amount of calories a day, eat a specific amount of fiber and drink a minimum amount. I'm "required" to turn my numbers at the end of each night. If I go over calories or don't do everything right, they gently remind me what I'm working towards. If I do everything correctly then they provide daily praise. They also have another rule... If I am struggling, want to binge, etc. then I'm supposed to call or email them. The idea behind that is that even if I'm just leaving a message on their machine I'm verbalizing my struggle to someone that will ultimately help me out with suggestions. The crazy thing is that by just expressing that I'm struggling I'm less likely to fall into old habits go over calories. We all have that "war" in our mind... I want to eat it, but I shouldn't eat it, but I want to eat it, etc. After two months of doing this I'm starting to notice that I'm changing that conversation in my mind.

    Another thing that helps me is to stop and think. I always remind myself that the instant temporary reward of going over calories is just that-temporary. If i want to reach my long term reward of being at goal, then I need to miss out on instant rewards that are temporary.
  • mi5tyblue
    mi5tyblue Posts: 1 Member
    Like others I could have written the same words, as until very recently I have been in the same place, absolutely despondent and looking at a set of numbers going further and further the wrong way. I took a step back to give myself time to find a way forward. I set my self asset of new simpler goals i.e. to stop gaining weight, note not to lose, so for four weeks I just had to break even, hold my weight steady. That gave me time to focus on the extra nibble here, glass of wine there, not moving enough and start slowly working the necessary discipline back. I bought the bigger size clothes, with the promise to myself that the day I did not need then anymore they were going to the charity shop. I focussed each day on small changes, e.g why was I eating now? (I know I comfort eat, and console myself with food).

    I many ways I was angry with myself for "delaying" my weight loss, but this is a marathon not a sprint, and being a similar age and entering the menopause I had to give myself a chance to factor that in, as even my dear husband had noticed that I was not myself.

    It is not a magic bullet but it worked for me. I am back on track with a slower but regular weight loss.

    Be kind to yourself, look at what you have achieved!
  • FitRodr
    FitRodr Posts: 353 Member
    It's all down to hard work, all the people who post up their success stories have worked very hard to reach their goals over years and worked hard to maintain it.

    Unfortunately there's no shortcuts..


    I had lost 100 lbs and I'm up by 18... so total lost is still 82l. I maintained for over 2 years. I know how hard it is to lose and maintain. I'm just at a low point. I'll get this! I was just venting & sharing because I thought maybe others were struggling too.

    Thanks for the comment
  • FitRodr
    FitRodr Posts: 353 Member
    Thank you all for your thoughts and encouragement. I feel better today and have had a few good days. I'm not a quitter that's for sure. I do need to get back to working with weights a little. I did use them some but I am somewhat handicapped with my back and can't push too hard or I pay for it. But I do need to focus on something else. So.... tomorrow I will take my measurements again. I'm sure they will be quite different from the last time.

    I'm going to start using the "call a friend". My sister-in-law sends them to me occasionally. I'm going to reach out instead of struggling so much within myself. I went grocery shopping and filled up on some healthy choices. That's part of the problem, I don't cook much and we eat out quite often. I talked to my hubby and we're going to make more of an effort to eat at home so I can control the ingredients.

    I really do appreciative of all of your comments. This is a journey and I've just gotten off the trail is all.

    Have a great week! I'm going to!
  • ozchuck
    ozchuck Posts: 9 Member
    I've been putting off this post for awhile. I am up 18 lbs from where I want to be and 23 from my thinnest.I maintained for about 18 months. I feel defeated. I gain a few, lose a few but don't get back to where I was. I do know what to do but just can't seem to get it under control. Every day is a struggle. I complete my diary and go over a lot of days. I exercise, but do it knowing it will just cover my bad choices for the day. Today when I looked in the mirror naked I was so discouraged. The curves I worked so hard to get are filling in more and more. The clothes I was so happy to fit into are tighter and tighter. I bought bigger capris the other day. Something I swore I wouldn't do. My ticker keeps going up.

    Here's the thing, I KNOW what to do, I know what it takes. I just can't seem to overcome the urges I feel. I look at it and say "bad choice", I hold it and say "put it down" but I put it in my mouth anyway. Then I beat myself up, then I say f' it for the day and go overboard. I write "it's a new day" but when I get that privilege I blow it. I'm consumed with food, either worrying that I've eaten too much or dreading the temptations I will face. So, again today I started fresh. I made little cards for my office, my purse and the snack cabinet at home. I listed the top ten reasons I want to eat right. I'm going to share them with you all because here is where I am accountable, here is where I come for inspiration. when I am thinner 1. I liked the way my clothes feel 2.I feel sexy 3. I feel fun 4. I feel healthy 5. I feel confident 6. I feel less stressed 7. No muffin tops in t-shirts 8. I feel successful 9. I feel in control 10. I feel happier. I'm going to make a great effort to look at these before I stuff something in my mouth.

    I cry to my husband because the scale keeps creeping up. He doesn't understand because he is losing weight and doesn't want to. He's so sweet and says he loves me no matter what. But I feel deep inside like I'm not attractive to him. I know I have your support but today I feel like a failure. I feel like I let this community down by falling back into this pit. I'm not maintaining, I'm falling. This is a horrible struggle and I know many of you face it too. I'm exhausted mentally. I don't want to be that fat person again, really I don't. If you are reading this and you're new to mfp. I want to tell you it works but there can be setbacks. I once committed to a lifelong lifestyle change. Sitting here typing there are tears rolling down my cheeks. Why can't I do this? I have a great life, husband, kids, job, family, friends. Other than this struggle my life is really very easy.

    This battle I'm fighting is bigger than me. Literally it is bigger than I want it to be. I'm not asking for pity. I don't write on the boards much. But I needed to share my struggle and hope that by doing it I will conquer the secrets I am keeping. If you're struggling you're not alone. That's what I need to remind myself.

    Feeling overwhelmed,
    Cathy

    Maybe you should consider just not eating those things?
    Like, it's not that hard.
    Make a plan, follow the plan. Just like your financial budget.

    You're a grown woman, its not that hard.
  • danasings
    danasings Posts: 8,218 Member
    I have felt the same way many, many times.

    Keep refocusing. Try new exercises, new foods. Try mediation. Read Geneen Roth's books.

    You can regain control. Keep trying. :flowerforyou:
  • RedArizona5
    RedArizona5 Posts: 465 Member
    You think its too late? It isn't and I hope you find the strength to realize it isn't and that you have more power that you think you do. If I was you and if I would follow the golden rule and if I love myself that much I am going to tell it to you like I would to myself…If I were you I would take the capris back and keep wearing the tight close till your sick of it and actually do something about it…
    ….dont cross that line you can turn this around and undo the mistakes. I refuse and have always refused to buy bigger jeans for fat days-it could have happened and i didn't go there and stronger for it now. :) Don't dwell on the situation-you have def. over-thought this whole situation of thinking your not going to get any smaller-just any more-but you can…..i wish i could be your little sidekick and just tug you to the right direction at least encourage you to keep at the mindset that got you into working out in the first place. Ask yourself those questions and re answer yourself even though you know… i have to do this with myself and I feel I sound silly but I know its not.
    I hope you do return those fat pants :) they ARE fat pants-you aren't fat and don't cross that line. You don't have to decide now…but please wait a little before you negatively affect your life..this is a huge ordeal your about to do (no pun intended) but things, actually, may get a lot worse then you think they will.
    You could think it will be a few extra and no more and I hope not but I think you will keep upsizing those pants and when you realize what you have created this monster and try to damage control you have nothing but flabby skin.
    Realize who you may become and ask if it is really where you will be comfortable, happy, confident, healthy and strong…
    Don't focus on the numbers of the scale (why my ticker hasn't moved) I may actually get rid of my ticker. I had gained weight but my clothes fit the same so i have more strength and actually feel stronger too from the muscles that i have now. but if you saw my weight on paper you'd think it were a typo so-maybe you need a vaca from the scale and focus on being healthy and do feed yourself but don't pig out every day-thats a no-no. You can do this. Maybe you need to refocus a little more and just figure out why your heart and soul was put into your routine in the first place and just dwell on that instead… turn those thoughts into a poster you can make and put pictures and decorate it how you like to remind yourself :)

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