The Strangest Ending (I Think) to an Eating Disorder...

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I have suffered from an eating disorder for most of my teenage years. I started my first diet when I was thirteen years old. It wasn't physically unhealthy. I bought myself a food diary and began tracking my calories, fat, carbs and protein on the daily. I decided that I would eat between 1200 and 1300 calories per day. I mostly stuck to this goal, but when I didn't the world came to an end. If I was so much as 50 calories over my goal I would break down. My parents didn't know what to do and eventually took the book away from me. I was devastated but back to eating like a normal healthy teenager within a week. No harm done, right?
I started again a few months later but I was sneakier. I uncovered the hidden food diary and started tracking my calories. They were lower this time - 1100 and no more. I was better at staying on track. I lived this way for quite a while. I never reached an unhealthily low weight. People commented that I looked more slender - great work! I felt great. I slowly gave up my food journal and went back to being a normal, healthy teenager.
Christmas of grade ten (age fifteen) was when the real nightmare began. I don't know what came first, depression or anorexia, but they both came on suddenly and with full force. I spent weeks holed up in my room with my computer because I couldn't get out of bed. I had never felt depressed before and I didn't know what was wrong with me. My parents thought I needed a break (I was a busy kid) and let me relax for those few weeks. I stopped eating. I fed off the drop of the scale every morning. I weighed myself every time I ate. I started tracking my food on here - no more than 150 calories a day.
Within a month I had lost 20 pounds. Everyone noticed. I was never overweight but I was a curvy fifteen-year-old and I suddenly I was skinny. The comments, compliments, concerns - they all fed the eating disorder and it just got worse. I switched to Veganism a couple months later. I told people it was because I loved animals but it was really just an excuse to not have to eat. I got pneumonia soon after. You would think that the pneumonia might have been given me a sign that I was making myself very sick but I took it as a reminder that I was working hard. 'Starving yourself makes you sick' I would think, 'oh well, I want to die anyways.' And I carried on.
In the spring I took up running long distances. I was a major cardio-bunny at the gym before but I was going to be in Europe for two weeks in the summer so I needed something I could do outside. I loved it. I was light and running made me feel free. I ran 10 km every day.
By the time I left for Europe in July, my 5'8" frame weighed in at 110 pounds. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to stick with my vegan diet while away so I just didn't eat. I was down to 105 pounds when I returned.
I got a stress fracture in my foot in the fall that stopped me from running. I was horrified. I was going to get fat, I wasn't going to be able to lose any more weight, I wasn't going to be beautiful anymore. The doctor told me that I needed to get stronger before I could run anymore so I started going to the gym. I loved it. Lifting weights was better than running. I vowed to myself that I would get better. I would change my diet to one high in both plant AND animal protein, I would lift weights, build muscle, get stronger both mentally and physically.
When I turned seventeen I decided to compete in a bodybuilding competition and in May 2014 I placed 6th in my first figure competition. I worked hard for 18 weeks to achieve that goal. I stuck to the plan that my coach laid out for me. I ate my chicken and rice, did my hours of cardio, sometimes two-a-days at the gym. And it paid off. It was the most amazing experience I have ever had.
I fell off the wagon after the show. I ate whatever I wanted, stopped cardio completely, skipped the gym many a time. I was suffering from Binge Eating Disorder (BED) which I had never experienced before. BED soon morphed into Bulimia. I would plan out everything I would eat for a binge, make sure nobody would be home, stuff my face and throw it all up. This became something I did most days. Then I discovered laxatives. I began taking 2 extra strength laxatives on the daily. Whenever I felt badly about what I had eaten, I would take a laxative. It became an addiction.
I was in Europe for a month not three weeks ago and I struggled with my laxative addiction the entire time. As well as binge eating, binge drinking and just generally struggling with my mental health.
I arrived home three weeks ago and suddenly I couldn't care less about food. I have started prep for my next bodybuilding competition in November and I have literally been force-feeding myself every day. I have skipped so many meals because I forget to eat. Prep has obviously been a slice thus far but part of me wonders if something is wrong. Did my eating disorder disappear as quickly as it came on? Can this happen?
That's my eating disorder story so far and I kind of hope that's it. I hope I never have to struggle with anorexia, BED, bulimia or a laxative addiction again but I also hope to start enjoying my food again. I'm not sure what's going on here but if anyone else has had this happen that would be cool to know.
If you are suffering from any kind of ED or mental illness, know that you aren't alone. It's hard but you can come out the other side okay. Stay strong and fight to get your life back!
Thanks for reading this if you stuck it out and read the whole massive thing!

Replies

  • purplishblue
    purplishblue Posts: 135 Member
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    Thanks for sharing! Unfortunately EDs don't tend to just randomly go away without some work... I would highly suggest you begin seeing a therapist to get at the root cause of your ED, and to work on getting better. I had an ED for years as well, took me a few years to get well and to re-teach my body to digest normally, but I did it :) Being recovered is totally possible!
  • EngineerPrincess
    EngineerPrincess Posts: 306 Member
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    So glad to see you on here again! <3 I watched you switch from that too-thin unhealthy looking restricting girl to the strong, gorgeous and much healthier person you are now and I'm so proud! Yeah it's unlikely it is fully gone quite yet, but DEF possible since you're much more honest with yourself now a days about how unhealthy it all was. Cheers to your work so far, and just know if you ever get the urge to eat oddly again, you can beat it every time.
  • MargueriteMuguet
    MargueriteMuguet Posts: 230 Member
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    Hi, hello, it's an inspiring story and I admire your honesty! I send you love and courage to keep up the good work and to keep the negative cues at bay
  • frayst
    frayst Posts: 62
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    Thank you for sharing your story. You are obviously a very strong individual to be so conscious of your disorder and to try to find solutions for it. I don't know what to make of your most recent experience, if it's really recovery or not. What I have noticed after a brief encounter with anorexia (I began weightlifting to recover from it) is that even though working out and eating for fitness is much healthier than not eating at all, a form of it is still a body image obsession and perhaps ED inspired for those who are trying to recover. I would see a professional about your ED to get to the root understanding of the problem, and perhaps also a nutritionist to keep you on track and accountable with your eating so that you don't fall off the wagon again.
  • socalkay
    socalkay Posts: 746 Member
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    I think it's wonderful that you can see the problem and talk honestly about it but I'm not sure if I understand why you think it is over. From your story, it sounds to me like you are going through another cycle (not eating much and excessive focus on working out).

    I hope you can share this post with your doctor and a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I also hope you can be this open and share the full story with the people close to you in real life.

    Best of luck to you.
  • Sabine_Stroehm
    Sabine_Stroehm Posts: 19,263 Member
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    I think your awareness is great!! However, do you remember posting basically the same ending last year?

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/903144-i-ve-come-so-far

    Please DO see someone. You sound like a young woman who has all the potential to BEAT an ED, but I worry that you think it's over....

    See someone. Be as honest as possible with your parents and truly put this behind you.
  • Miss_1999
    Miss_1999 Posts: 747 Member
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    You're a very beautiful young woman, with her whole life ahead of her. I wish you nothing but the best, and I do hope that you will check in with a doctor. This is something that needs to be addressed with a medical professional and followed up. You will definitely need support in the medical community, as well as by peers who understand what you're going through. Take care of yourself, and best of luck with your bodybuilding!
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