Binges...

I understand that you feel compelled to stay at a low weight, but please seek help. I know it feels safe, I know it makes you feel in control. But gaining those ten pounds was one of the best things that could happen to you. I promise. I know that it's hard to have extra weight on your body. It doesn't feel right. But you need that to survive. If you're worried about it, you can do some sit ups some times to help yourself to feel stronger. But you need that weight. I'm underweight and I'm an inch shorter than you, but I still weigh more than you do and I look /awful./ I look horrible and bony and disgusting. And sometimes I look in the mirror and feel like I look good, and I can see the tiny amounts of fat on me, but no one else can see that. When they look at me, all they can see are bones. That's why I can't dance. That's why I can't wear pants in public. Only skirts and dresses. It's awful. Please seek help. Please talk to someone. You can escape.

I want to add, too, that you're binging because your body needs it. And after those binges I bet you feel bloated and horrible and out of control. But you aren't. You're in survival mode. Your body is taking control because your mind is cloudy. And someday, your mind will clear. It passes. Everything will be okay. Trust your body, talk to your doctor or whoever is supporting you and, I'd also suggest you check out Youreatopia.com. There are a lot of great science-backed articles.
I'd recommend not wallowing in internet forums about EDs because they can perpetuate the disorders, but what can be helpful is to make a giant list of all the hard, painful realities that you don't want to face and that your ED makes you want to ignore and whenever your mind trails toward ED behaviors, look at those. EDs are about control. One thing that really helped me was eating four huge meals a day instead of snacking all the time. The more I snacked, the more I felt I was eating, even if it was just fruits and veggies. Those are great, you need vitamins, but for recovery just taking a multivitamin and eating real meals, no matter their nutritional balance or how much grease they seem to have (it's always less than you think, I promise, and you won't gain as much as you think you will) is essential.
You can do this. Please don't forget that. I know you've heard it before, but write it on your hand or paste it on a paper on your door and look at it twenty times a day. Don't forget that you can recover. Please, please recover. You can recover. No one should have to live with an ED.

And if you ever feel like you're gaining out of control, set point theory is a real thing. It is! There's a lot of science to back it. Especially for ED recovery patients. YOU WILL BE OKAY!!



Good luck. Believe in yourself.