Total loss of self-confidence...

So here I go... I've got to get this off my chest because I feel so lacking in confidence right now.. I was out with some girlfriends at the weekend and I thought I actually looked pretty good!! I am almost 46, 5'11" tall, blonde, not bad looking mum of 18 year old twin girls, but weigh 231lbs at the moment, yet I actually felt pretty good dressed in high heels, skirt and blouse (my husband and kids said I looked great on the way out!)
However, on leaving a bar some guys called out from behind me "oh my god is that a man... is that a man dressed as a woman.. it walks like a man.. look at it....." I was so embarrassed and humiliated I couldn't turn around or say something smart, I just kept walking away, feeling a total fool.
I know I should just ignore their comments and have confidence that I am just tall and curvy and do not at all look like a man in drag, yet this has totally knocked my self-esteem and self-confidence but also conversely made me determined to try and make a change to how I feel about myself and lose the weight.
How do I talk myself out of this loss of self-esteem and self-confidence and ignore those ignorant pigs?????
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Replies

  • stephiejean37
    stephiejean37 Posts: 75 Member
    Don't let what some dumb probably intoxicated fool said get to you! I'm sure you are beautiful, and were rocking the outfit! Guys are just scummy, and really as long as you are happy with what you've got that's all that matters. Let's be honest your 18 year olds would totally tell you if you looked like a drag queen! 18 year old girls are brutally honest!
  • 115s
    115s Posts: 344 Member
    I hate to say it, but the media has thwarted views on what true beauty is. Those men would probably be interested in what TV and films tell them "beautiful" is, rather than a real woman.
    Don't focus on that and keep on keeping on! :)
  • Monna2
    Monna2 Posts: 100 Member
    Who are they to judge you? !!
    I agree ...this is the devestating influence of the media.
    No one absolutely no one has the right to tell you how you should look.
    Next time you meet sb like that, you have to stand up to them.
    I am sure you are very beautiful thw way you are.
  • yo_andi
    yo_andi Posts: 2,178 Member
    Are you a man dressed in drag? No? Then why would you let some drunk dipstick's comment derail you this way?

    You said it... they're ignorant pigs. Move on and carry on doing what you're doing. End of story.
  • wubbykid
    wubbykid Posts: 60 Member
    I've had worse things said to me, and I'm still here. Keep rolling along!
  • Miss_1999
    Miss_1999 Posts: 747 Member
    Girl, what are they smoking? I'm only a few inches shorter than you 5'8, and a few pounds lighter than you- 225lbs. And I've got news, if I'd heard anyone say that to me, I'd have turned around and slugged the hell out of them. Yeah, I'm a little bit redneck. Won't lie. Not that I have a problem with my transgender brothers or sisters, as I support the dignity of every human being, but it's rude as hell to make comments like that when it's OBVIOUS someone is a woman, and they're just being *kitten*. There's no doubt you were a woman, and no doubt looking good! I'm sure they were just being little ****s. Ain't nobody got time for that! I live by this- A lion doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep, and I don't. I may seem like an absolute ***** for this, and maybe I am, but unless I really care about someone, what another person thinks about me is absolutely ir­re­le­vant to me. Just. Don't. Care. Keep on being beautiful, fix up for you, wear what you want, and love yourself! Don't let some *kitten* who probably had too much to drink keep you from shining!
  • CindyMarcuzAdams
    CindyMarcuzAdams Posts: 4,007 Member
    I am sorry this happened to you. You would think that as adults they would have better behaviour. Where I live there is actually a man in drag and I cant imagine people being that rude to him.
    Just remember your family and friends love you for you.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    All of the 6 ft and taller drag queens and transwomen I know are GORGEOUS. Just sayin'
  • Riara11
    Riara11 Posts: 23 Member
    what a bunch of morons. Usually the types of scumbags that would do that kind of thing aren't much to look at themselves. I know it must have been humiliating but you just keep on moving and shake it off! :-)
  • Foxywake
    Foxywake Posts: 18 Member
    Thanks for your replies, I appreciate that. I am usually such a strong person, I am a senior manager and come across to others as being very confident, yet inside when it comes to my weight and how I look, I am really not and this has thrown me.

    I will aim to hold my head up high and ignore what anyone else says or thinks.
    thanks again.
  • RekindledRose
    RekindledRose Posts: 523 Member
    He was intimidated because you're model-tall and gorgeous, and he knows that he'd never be able to score with you. Drunk morons do that when they are too cowardly to man up and admit that you're out of their league.

    For that matter, every time anyone is out jogging or riding their bike and some idiot yells an insult out their window at them, what the idiot is really demonstrating is envy. They can't go out there and be courageous about getting healthy, so they put down those people who are doing it.

    You're so much better then that. *hugs*
  • Velum_cado
    Velum_cado Posts: 1,608 Member
    People are a-holes sometimes and will single anyone out for any slight difference. It's not a reflection on you - it's simply an example of how sad and immature these boys were. I'll bet you looked gorgeous. Don't let those children stop you from working it! xx
  • JeriAnne84
    JeriAnne84 Posts: 543 Member
    Man, you should have turned around and said "I'm more of a man than you'll ever be. I'm more of a woman than you'll ever get" and then walked off.

    What a bunch of douches. Just shake it off, know that you are a hot mama and that they probably have a tiny.....um...personality.
  • squirrelzzrule22
    squirrelzzrule22 Posts: 640 Member
    One time outside a bar a guy yelled out of his car that I looked like "the fat kardashian"....and the friends I was with did a HORRIBLE job of pretending they didn't agree! I wasn't even more than 5 or 10lbs overweight! People are asshats, plain and simple. These guys don't matter. Let yourself be sad, then pick up and move on!
  • I hate drunks. I never go to bars, because drunks are there.
  • I am so sorry that some *kitten* felt compelled to be, well, a *kitten*. He is no one. I know that its easy for me to say that, but he really isn't. Your husband and twins said you looked great and their opinion should matter more than some jackhole you never met, who, in truth was probably having a rotten day and thought he'd feel better if he drug someone down with him.
  • farmerpam1
    farmerpam1 Posts: 402 Member
    So sorry to hear this happened to you. Jerks, they were probably intimidated, little guys, and I don't just mean their height.:laugh:
    You continue to stand tall and proud,
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    Yeah, they were probably short and it had more to do with your height and heels than anything else (not that there's anything wrong with short men in general). Try really hard not to let it bother you.
  • Miss_1999
    Miss_1999 Posts: 747 Member
    All of the 6 ft and taller drag queens and transwomen I know are GORGEOUS. Just sayin'

    Seriously. That's what I'm screaming! It's rare that I EVER see a drag queen or transwoman that's ugly. These women KNOW how to put it together!
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,741 Member
    Ever heard of "The Four Agreements"? I don't live my life by it or anything, but one agreement I've found VERY helpful in every aspect of my life: "Don't Take ANYTHING Personally".
    a. Nothing others do is because of you.
    b. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.
    c. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

    In other words, that embarrassing display of behavior on their part is a projection of their OWN issues. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! Hold your head high and be proud knowing you don't have the personal issues that would ever cause you to treat someone else like that.
  • flowrgal23
    flowrgal23 Posts: 33 Member
    This post caught my attention; much the same thing happened to me last week.

    The old saying, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me'. Hmmmmmm........I wish that were true. My father was a drinker and loved to taunt me about my weight as a child. 'Fatty fatty two by four'. Ha, ha, hilarious.

    I'm 5'9", 56 years old and currently 197 pounds down from 242, so I can relate. I've always been shy and acutely aware of being overweight. A few weeks ago I actually allowed myself to kind of sort of like the image in the mirror and be proud of how far I've come. I have a long way to go, but there is progress. Feeling cautiously optimistic is new territory for me since I'm great at putting myself down before someone else gets the chance. I've been trying to change that aspect of my personality along with my diet and exercise, too, since it wasn't helping me any.

    So ok, newly minted improved self-esteem in place, I sallied forth with renewed confidence. I can do this thing.

    Well, fast forward to last week Monday: My husband and I have a large flower garden and many people stop by for tours. A lady called and asked if I was at home so she could tour the garden. I told her I was at the gym but I would be home shortly.

    When I arrived home at the time agreed upon, an elderly lady emerged from my backyard and said she'd come early and had already walked through the garden. Then she went into a critique of our landscaping; the lawn was weedy, didn't I care to hire a service to spray it? Do I really think those color combinations work? Why do you plant so many annuals? Sigh.

    But what really floored me was when she said, "You just came from the gym?" as she surveyed me from head to toe. "Do you really think it's doing you any good?"

    I don't know why I even felt obligated to grace her with a reply, but she caught me off-guard and I said, "Yes, I've lost over forty pounds so far."

    "Really?! You're still pretty fat even now, how were you able to garden when you weighed forty pounds more?? Could you even bend over?" she cackled. "That must have been a sight to see."

    At that moment another car load of people pulled in to tour the garden so I had no chance to reply as she scurried off to her vehicle and drove off.

    Um.....yeah. Thanks, lady. I know that some older folks have a tendency to 'lose their filters' as they age, just as drunks have a tendency to say mean, hurtful things when intoxicated. It is a fact of life we have to deal with, unfortunately. Doesn't make it any easier, though.

    For a few minutes after the Garden/Obesity Critic left my yard, I found myself in a familiar place. Mortified, ashamed and embarrassed. I didn't want to face the new people standing in my driveway who were ready to see the flowers, I felt exposed and vulnerable. Pride always goes before the fall I'd been taught.

    But though it hurt, I recovered quickly, much more quickly than ever before. I considered the source of my criticism, an old, wrinkled, overweight woman who was clearly not happy with her life and felt the need to take me down a peg or two. Sad to think she lives in that dark state of mind day in and day out. And the same goes for the stupid drunks who yelled out their insults at you OP, they have to bury their true emotions in booze to function. Sad, sad little men.

    Always try to remember the source, and hold your head high. Be proud of your accomplishments, you've earned them!
  • Maqneta
    Maqneta Posts: 388 Member
    he is a peasant and you are beautiful.
    be proud of who you are, I deal with them often and they do it to build there own self esteem up.
  • Miss_1999
    Miss_1999 Posts: 747 Member
    This post caught my attention; much the same thing happened to me last week.

    The old saying, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me'. Hmmmmmm........I wish that were true. My father was a drinker and loved to taunt me about my weight as a child. 'Fatty fatty two by four'. Ha, ha, hilarious.

    I'm 5'9", 56 years old and currently 197 pounds down from 242, so I can relate. I've always been shy and acutely aware of being overweight. A few weeks ago I actually allowed myself to kind of sort of like the image in the mirror and be proud of how far I've come. I have a long way to go, but there is progress. Feeling cautiously optimistic is new territory for me since I'm great at putting myself down before someone else gets the chance. I've been trying to change that aspect of my personality along with my diet and exercise, too, since it wasn't helping me any.

    So ok, newly minted improved self-esteem in place, I sallied forth with renewed confidence. I can do this thing.

    Well, fast forward to last week Monday: My husband and I have a large flower garden and many people stop by for tours. A lady called and asked if I was at home so she could tour the garden. I told her I was at the gym but I would be home shortly.

    When I arrived home at the time agreed upon, an elderly lady emerged from my backyard and said she'd come early and had already walked through the garden. Then she went into a critique of our landscaping; the lawn was weedy, didn't I care to hire a service to spray it? Do I really think those color combinations work? Why do you plant so many annuals? Sigh.

    But what really floored me was when she said, "You just came from the gym?" as she surveyed me from head to toe. "Do you really think it's doing you any good?"

    I don't know why I even felt obligated to grace her with a reply, but she caught me off-guard and I said, "Yes, I've lost over forty pounds so far."

    "Really?! You're still pretty fat even now, how were you able to garden when you weighed forty pounds more?? Could you even bend over?" she cackled. "That must have been a sight to see."

    At that moment another car load of people pulled in to tour the garden so I had no chance to reply as she scurried off to her vehicle and drove off.

    Um.....yeah. Thanks, lady. I know that some older folks have a tendency to 'lose their filters' as they age, just as drunks have a tendency to say mean, hurtful things when intoxicated. It is a fact of life we have to deal with, unfortunately. Doesn't make it any easier, though.

    For a few minutes after the Garden/Obesity Critic left my yard, I found myself in a familiar place. Mortified, ashamed and embarrassed. I didn't want to face the new people standing in my driveway who were ready to see the flowers, I felt exposed and vulnerable. Pride always goes before the fall I'd been taught.

    But though it hurt, I recovered quickly, much more quickly than ever before. I considered the source of my criticism, an old, wrinkled, overweight woman who was clearly not happy with her life and felt the need to take me down a peg or two. Sad to think she lives in that dark state of mind day in and day out. And the same goes for the stupid drunks who yelled out their insults at you OP, they have to bury their true emotions in booze to function. Sad, sad little men.

    Always try to remember the source, and hold your head high. Be proud of your accomplishments, you've earned them!

    You hit the nail on the head! Good for you! VERY proud of you for having this mindset, and realizing that it really IS about what's going on inside of this woman's mind, and that deep down inside, she's just an unhappy person. Just like the guys the OP were talking about, were probably unhappy/immature drunk men in a bar. Sorry this happened to you, nonetheless, but very proud of the confidence you have in yourself, and realizing that you're the one making great progress and doing great things- that the words of a grumpy, unhappy old woman don't mean anything! Kudos to you!
  • ValGogo
    ValGogo Posts: 2,168 Member
    Are you a man dressed in drag? No? Then why would you let some drunk dipstick's comment derail you this way?

    You said it... they're ignorant pigs. Move on and carry on doing what you're doing. End of story.

    Easy for you to say. But, it's not easy for the one gettting it to get over it as quickly. There is nothing more humiliating than to be called out in public like that. So, to tell her to shake it off, which in itself is very logical advice, is not actually an answer for this situation.

    All I can say to the OP (I get your dilemma, trust me) to remember that those guys were probably drunk, they are inevitably insecure "wankers", and (you may not like this) find different places to hang out with a more mature crowd that are less likely to act like adolescents, which bars and pubs are prone to attract.
  • swimmermama
    swimmermama Posts: 526 Member
    All of the 6 ft and taller drag queens and transwomen I know are GORGEOUS. Just sayin'

    THIS. Times a million! :)
  • ValGogo
    ValGogo Posts: 2,168 Member
    I hate drunks. I never go to bars, because drunks are there.

    Best answer
  • Bellodesiderare
    Bellodesiderare Posts: 278 Member
    All of the 6 ft and taller drag queens and transwomen I know are GORGEOUS. Just sayin'

    ^^Exactly. I'd love to be 5'11" and curvy!! Instead, I'm 5'4" and curvy ;0
  • Veronnie87
    Veronnie87 Posts: 40 Member
    I have started smiling at people who feel the need to comment on other peoples' lives from their perch in their deranged little worlds. And not a my-feelings-are-hurt-and-I'm-about-to-cry smile, but a real, genuine, happy, laughing smile. It throws them for such a loop it's unbelievable. One guy who yelled "fat chicks shouldn't jog!" at me while I was jogging around a track with a friend actually stopped his car because he was so confused. I took advantage of the moment to wish him a good evening and offer a little wave with another grin. He was trying to keep up the smirk and his attitude but it was clear that he felt ashamed afterwards.

    And even though those infants felt the need to yell insults at you, think about the fact that you are so striking that they couldn't miss you!
  • Foxywake
    Foxywake Posts: 18 Member
    Thank you all so much for the comments - you have really cheered me up :)
  • Slashnl
    Slashnl Posts: 339 Member
    I just keep thinking that if you were a drag queen, transgender, or whatever else they called you, how could they say "it" walks like a man... blah, blah, blah. No one deserves that kind of treatment. And what kind of person feels like they have the authority to judge anyone like that? What horrible little men.

    Keep your head held high! You are not the problem!!!