Relationship Advice

littlebethy87 · January 2011

This past weekend was pretty good, it was the first weekend in a long time that I hadn't seen Lee (my bf). I felt kinda good about this because I feel like I've been trying to emotionally and financially become less dependent on him. So I hung out with my mom and my sister for the weekend.

When we first started dating, I was pretty much a complete feminist. I believe I even at one point told him that I didn't need him, that I adored being around him but I didnt need him. I loved how I was then. I was much more independent, doing things on my own, much much more than I have been lately. He told me that me being so independent was something that he really really liked about me and was a big factor in why he was attracted to me.

Last night, it was really nice until I got a phone call from him. He started out like "...we need to talk." That's never a good thing. I instantly was like thrown off because I thought everything was fine. He basically brought up things like me supporting him, he feels that I'm not doing enough and that he is constantly. I understand his frustration, because I think at one point we have all been there. Well, the thing that was crappy about this conversation was that all the problems that were brought up, are things that we have talked about before. He really needs me to build him up and push him a little, and I would agree that I haven't exactly been doing that lately. He wants me to push him to be more productive, and to exercise especially.

One thing that I have noticed about myself is that, if I don't obsess about the topic or problem, then I end up unintentionally forgetting all about it and it's like we basically never had an issue. It is a problem.

I think that's why it has been so easy for me, losing weight is because I absolutely do obsess over it, checking my weight once or more a day, constantly food logging, reading and creating blog entries, working out...the list goes on and on.

I need to find a balance here. I can't constantly be thinking about my weight and my body, everything else will suffer, and I could possibly lose the best partner I've ever had. I love him way too much to ever see that happen.

Do any of you have any advice for me? How can I become less dependent and yet more supportive?

sexylonglegs · January 2011

There is a book you should check out "Co-dependent No More".

keybelle · January 2011

My suggestion to you is that you go to a good therapist. It is a long road, but I see that you have managed to lose quite a bit of weight, so I know you have the ability to change things about your life. You may need some direction with your issues, someone qualified to do that.

bethvandenberg · January 2011

Put him on the top of your to do list every day.

meggonkgonk · January 2011

I don't see as how he is asking you to be less dependent, or really any signs that you are particularly dependent on him but I guess that's besides the point.

Ok #1) To some exent, your man needs to step up a little. It's not fair for him to blame you for him not exercising. Not even a little. I'm not saying go to him and be like "Listen *****, do your own dirty work." But at the same time, don't let that fall on you. It's his time and his body- ie his responsibility.

#2) If he wants some support in that area, let him in on your schedule, and offer to share some of it with him- Tell him you have a workout scheduled XYZ time would he like to join you? Or maybe schedule his own thing then? (Ie I stay over my bf's on thursdays- I get up and run, he gets up, thinks I'm crazy for going outside and works out on his rower). Or set up stay in dates where you experiment with healthy homemade foods and a movie or a game.

I just have to say, maybe this came out wrong-ish on the boards but I too have a BF that I feel benefits from a little building here and there, but it's my decision to do that. He's never asked it of me nor I of him- but that's what we do when its needed. Your boy sounds like he needs to grow up a little, IMO, and handle his own things and himself like an adult. That stuff should not be put on your "to-do" list like a chore.

littlebethy87 · January 2011

I should add this in, maybe this would help with you all trying to figure this out...

Lee is quite supportive of me, he kind of feels kind of over supportive, and rightfully so. He has done quite a bit for me... like for example, in October, my car broke down and was completely useless. Well being that I drive an hour to work everyday, I couldnt not have a car. So Lee ended up letting me stay at his house (his house is nearby to my work) and he also helped me find a used car on craigslist and bought it for me, I am paying him back in a couple weeks when I get my tax refund.

He is nowhere near not supportive or placing his problems on me, actually, I feel its been quite the other way around lately, and I want that to change...

BrattyLori · January 2011

Maybe you can invite him to work out and MFP with you! Text him when you're getting ready to do your thing!

meggonkgonk · January 2011

He really needs me to build him up and push him a little, and I would agree that I haven't exactly been doing that lately. He wants me to push him to be more productive, and to exercise especially.

I'm not doubting that he is supportive of you, but this ^ here that he is asking for isn't independence, either. I'm not trying to bash him (I know I come off harsh sometimes) because this is an important quality. But he needs to push himself. If you can find ways to help(ie letting him know when you are doing workouts and suggesting he join etc), that's great but it isn't your responisibility to make him do the things he knows he needs to do. Idk, I guess it just sounded to me like you wanted 2 conflicting things, to be more and less dependent.

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