A Saturday Night Rant
andreamaym
Posts: 179 Member
Every time I visit my old work I hear the words "You've gained weight!" from one person or another. (I used to weigh only 115lbs at 5'8", now I am almost 130) I always smile, I always awkwardly say "Thaaaaanks....?" and attempt to quickly change the subject, because I am polite.
The first time this happened, I actually went home and cried. I felt awful. I know the intention of the individual who made the comment wasn't to upset me. I assume it was supposed to be a compliment or somehow encouraging, but it wasn't.
The last couple times this has happened (the most recent being this afternoon) it has seriously just pissed me off. I ask this question to anyone who has made that comment to someone: Are you socially retarded? If you gained 150 pounds, would it be OK for me to say "You've gained weight!" or would that make me a complete *kitten*?
Yes, I've gained weight. I am no longer in an unhealthy weight range for my height. I eat 3 meals a day. I wake up at 5am every morning and work out. I am healthy. But the next time someone feels the need to comment about my weight to my face, I hope they are prepared to hear MY opinions about THEIR weight.
Weight is a touchy subject for so many people. My advice is that if you think someone looks good, say just that.
The first time this happened, I actually went home and cried. I felt awful. I know the intention of the individual who made the comment wasn't to upset me. I assume it was supposed to be a compliment or somehow encouraging, but it wasn't.
The last couple times this has happened (the most recent being this afternoon) it has seriously just pissed me off. I ask this question to anyone who has made that comment to someone: Are you socially retarded? If you gained 150 pounds, would it be OK for me to say "You've gained weight!" or would that make me a complete *kitten*?
Yes, I've gained weight. I am no longer in an unhealthy weight range for my height. I eat 3 meals a day. I wake up at 5am every morning and work out. I am healthy. But the next time someone feels the need to comment about my weight to my face, I hope they are prepared to hear MY opinions about THEIR weight.
Weight is a touchy subject for so many people. My advice is that if you think someone looks good, say just that.
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Replies
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Yeah, it's just people, ya know? We all have our own quirks and eccentricities. Some people say foolish things without thinking, so best to just let it roll off your back. Can't read too much into that type of comment or it'll eat away at you.
And honestly if the type of person that says those things is "socially retarded" or even flat out suffering from some form of moderate mental retardation, then no amount of reasoning with them is gonna make them understand why it's rude.
You look great, so just keep doing what you're doing.0 -
Wow. Some people should teach themselves to hold their tongues.
Keep doing the good that you are doing.0 -
Thank you! It boggles my mind as well. I just needed to blow off some steam!0
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Be polite ...clench your teeth...then come vent here. We will understand. :flowerforyou:0
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When I first recovered from my eating disorder, everyone kept telling me that they could tell that I've gained weight and how "healthy" I looked. Sigh. The first time this happened, I relapsed. The second time, I just had to grind my teeth and get through it. There was no going back.
Maybe I do look healthier, which is expected because I am. But I just hate it when people comment on it
so I hear you completely. 0 -
Do you comment to a person if they lose weight from an unhealthy into a healthy range? Based on the information provided, your former co-workers essentially did the same thing except in your case you needed to gain, rather than lose, in order to reach a healthy level.0
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Some people have no meter. The correct response is "Yes, I have thank you, and you're still ugly". Kudos to your excellent work!0
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Andrea, congratulations on taking charge of your life and getting yourself to a healthy weight, starting a healthy lifestyle. You did yourself a favor. Don't worry about ignorant people. I know how much it may hurt. But you know what? Opinions are like as8holes... everyone has one! Not everyone of them matters though.0
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It is a sad commentary on our society that when we are at a normal weight, people percieve us as heavy. Unless you are super thin, then you're just fat???? Wuh??? No, this is not right!!
Good for you on being healthy and within your weight range. I bet you look fantastic and healty!!0 -
It goes both ways.... now that i have lost weight, or more so when I first did, I often got things like
You are too thin
Are you sick
I heard you had cancer
You look sick
I'd get it from friends, family. Very very few were supportive and even those that were would occasionally remark something about maybe it being enough. At 6'2" and my lowest 210, it was far from too much or too thin, just different than they were use to.
I found this part more difficult to deal with that the actual weight loss.
Now at 230 and starting to try to get into onederland once again Ita already starting to creep out again and I've only been cutting back for a week now lol0 -
You do realize how pretty you are, right???? People are just people. Some come with filters on their mouth , some don't. Just look at yourself and know you matter, your happiness will blossom from that.0
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My grandmother spent a great deal of time teaching me to be what she called, with her Richmond, Virginia upbringing, "A gentleman." I remember her telling me rather pointedly once, "One never remarks under any circumstances on a person's weight." Weight, she explained, is a personal matter. To tell someone they've lost or gained weight is to tell them you had an opinion about how they looked before and you shouldn't have, so if you did, don't reveal it by commenting on the change. "The best way you can tell a person they look good after not seeing them for a while is simply to say, 'It is wonderful to see you!'"0
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When I first recovered from my eating disorder, everyone kept telling me that they could tell that I've gained weight and how "healthy" I looked. Sigh. The first time this happened, I relapsed. The second time, I just had to grind my teeth and get through it. There was no going back.
Maybe I do look healthier, which is expected because I am. But I just hate it when people comment on it so I hear you completely.
I previously struggled from an eating disorder as well. Sounds like we've both experienced the exact same thing
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Do you comment to a person if they lose weight from an unhealthy into a healthy range? Based on the information provided, your former co-workers essentially did the same thing except in your case you needed to gain, rather than lose, in order to reach a healthy level.
I may comment how wonderful they look, but I do not comment on their weight unless they bring it up. Maybe because I am so sensitive to remarks about my weight, I'm more aware of what I say to others.0 -
It goes both ways.... now that i have lost weight, or more so when I first did, I often got things like
You are too thin
Are you sick
I heard you had cancer
You look sick
I'd get it from friends, family. Very very few were supportive and even those that were would occasionally remark something about maybe it being enough. At 6'2" and my lowest 210, it was far from too much or too thin, just different than they were use to.
I found this part more difficult to deal with that the actual weight loss.
Now at 230 and starting to try to get into onederland once again Ita already starting to creep out again and I've only been cutting back for a week now lol
I can imagine that is just as upsetting! It's discouraging when you're trying to better yourself and the people around you are being anything less than supportive. In any event, it sounds like you're doing great things for yourself!0 -
Do you comment to a person if they lose weight from an unhealthy into a healthy range? Based on the information provided, your former co-workers essentially did the same thing except in your case you needed to gain, rather than lose, in order to reach a healthy level.
I may comment how wonderful they look, but I do not comment on their weight unless they bring it up. Maybe because I am so sensitive to remarks about my weight, I'm more aware of what I say to others.
So rather than talk to them and inform them about your discomfort discussing weight you accuse them of being "socially retarded" although you admit you know it wasn't intended to upset or offend you? I find that interesting. People don't know about your sensitivities to topics if you don't tell them.0 -
My grandmother spent a great deal of time teaching me to be what she called, with her Richmond, Virginia upbringing, "A gentleman." I remember her telling me rather pointedly once, "One never remarks under any circumstances on a person's weight." Weight, she explained, is a personal matter. To tell someone they've lost or gained weight is to tell them you had an opinion about how they looked before and you shouldn't have, so if you did, don't reveal it by commenting on the change. "The best way you can tell a person they look good after not seeing them for a while is simply to say, 'It is wonderful to see you!'"
I love this. Your grandmother was a very intelligent person.0 -
I'm 5"8 and weigh 135( so I can relate to your stats, and you look absolutely fine!) So it's honestly just that some people are freaking idiots. Seriously, they wouldn't say comments like that to someone that is 200 lbs over weight, but yet they think it's okay because your not over weight. Just know that some people are morons and don't think before they speak.0
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Do you comment to a person if they lose weight from an unhealthy into a healthy range? Based on the information provided, your former co-workers essentially did the same thing except in your case you needed to gain, rather than lose, in order to reach a healthy level.
I may comment how wonderful they look, but I do not comment on their weight unless they bring it up. Maybe because I am so sensitive to remarks about my weight, I'm more aware of what I say to others.
So rather than talk to them and inform them about your discomfort discussing weight you accuse them of being "socially retarded" although you admit you know it wasn't intended to upset or offend you? I find that interesting. People don't know about your sensitivities to topics if you don't tell them.
I find the comment to be in very poor taste, no matter the intention. So I guess we will just have to agree to disagree.
For the record, I would never actually call someone socially retarded to their face. Hence the MFP rant to blow off some steam.0 -
My grandmother spent a great deal of time teaching me to be what she called, with her Richmond, Virginia upbringing, "A gentleman." I remember her telling me rather pointedly once, "One never remarks under any circumstances on a person's weight." Weight, she explained, is a personal matter. To tell someone they've lost or gained weight is to tell them you had an opinion about how they looked before and you shouldn't have, so if you did, don't reveal it by commenting on the change. "The best way you can tell a person they look good after not seeing them for a while is simply to say, 'It is wonderful to see you!'"
I love this. Your grandmother was a very intelligent person.
I agree - she sounds like a classy woman indeed!0 -
I'm 5"8 and weigh 135( so I can relate to your stats, and you look absolutely fine!) So it's honestly just that some people are freaking idiots. Seriously, they wouldn't say comments like that to someone that is 200 lbs over weight, but yet they think it's okay because your not over weight. Just know that some people are morons and don't think before they speak.
Thank you for that! It's incredibly frustrating but I guess I need to learn to let those things roll off my back. It's become very clear to me that not everyone has proper social etiquette.......0 -
I have learned that people really don't know WTF to say out of their mouths. I am one of those people that am very sensitive about my weight & apperance due to the fact that all my life I had a mother who "fat shamed" anyone in her presence. Even me when I wasn't fat at all, I simply wasn't a size 4 I was a size 7. So, yeah, talking about weight is a no no to me.
When I was 9 months pregnant, my brother's MIL (who has no tact at all) declared to me that I was HUGE. Ummm, beign 9 months pregnant will do that to you, dumb *kitten*!
Weight is such a touchy subject. Most people know that, but they seriously have no clue of what to say out of their mouths.0 -
I have learned that people really don't know WTF to say out of their mouths. I am one of those people that am very sensitive about my weight & apperance due to the fact that all my life I had a mother who "fat shamed" anyone in her presence. Even me when I wasn't fat at all, I simply wasn't a size 4 I was a size 7. So, yeah, talking about weight is a no no to me.
When I was 9 months pregnant, my brother's MIL (who has no tact at all) declared to me that I was HUGE. Ummm, beign 9 months pregnant will do that to you, dumb *kitten*!
Weight is such a touchy subject. Most people know that, but they seriously have no clue of what to say out of their mouths.
I don't have any children but it always boggles my mind when people comment on how "huge" pregnant people are. I mean, someone who is pregnant is growing another human being inside of them. Of COURSE their bellies are big! Can't help but roll my eyes......0 -
Do you comment to a person if they lose weight from an unhealthy into a healthy range? Based on the information provided, your former co-workers essentially did the same thing except in your case you needed to gain, rather than lose, in order to reach a healthy level.
I may comment how wonderful they look, but I do not comment on their weight unless they bring it up. Maybe because I am so sensitive to remarks about my weight, I'm more aware of what I say to others.
So rather than talk to them and inform them about your discomfort discussing weight you accuse them of being "socially retarded" although you admit you know it wasn't intended to upset or offend you? I find that interesting. People don't know about your sensitivities to topics if you don't tell them.
I find the comment to be in very poor taste, no matter the intention. So I guess we will just have to agree to disagree.
For the record, I would never actually call someone socially retarded to their face. Hence the MFP rant to blow off some steam.
You completely bypassed the need to tell them you find the comment in poor taste. It is impossible for others to know your sensitivities unless you have that talk.
I will demonstrate the honesty I'm talking about. I find your actions here worse than the comments you complain about. By your own admission, you know they didn't mean harm and probably meant it as a compliment. On the other hand, nothing in this thread is meant as complimentary of the people where you used to work and you act as though going behind their backs to a site you don't think they'll visit makes it somehow acceptable. " I hope they are prepared to hear MY opinions about THEIR weight" does not sound supportive ... in fact seems extremely judgmental. You aren't the only one though. Let's see ... there is your "socially retarded" comment ... another person citing a "moderate mental retardation" ... the ever polite "you're still ugly" retort ... "some people are morons" ... all in response to people noting, perhaps quite clumsily, that the OP went from unhealthily underweight to a healthy weight.
I'd much rather be disliked for being honest than demonstrate the duplicity of some here in this thread.0 -
"It is impossible for others to know your sensitivities unless you have that talk."
In my opinion, commenting on an individual's weight gain is in poor taste, whether I am sensitive about it or not, and regardless of what the intention was when it was mentioned. I guess holding everyone to that standard of etiquette is unrealistic. Clearly.
"I find your actions here worse than the comments you complain about. By your own admission, you know they didn't mean harm and probably meant it as a compliment."
I'm sorry you feel that way. Luckily, while posting on the internet, you have the option of being selective in the conversations you participate in. And you are correct - it was PROBABLY meant as a compliment. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. It does not make hearing those comments or being stared up and down any less uncomfortable or upsetting for me.
"On the other hand, nothing in this thread is meant as complimentary of the people where you used to work and you act as though going behind their backs to a site you don't think they'll visit makes it somehow acceptable."
I needed some support. Is that not what this website is for? As I previously stated, I needed to vent. And I did, and it helped. And no one was hurt in the process.
"I hope they are prepared to hear MY opinions about THEIR weight" does not sound supportive ... in fact seems extremely judgemental."
Well why not, if they feel it's OK to openly judge my body? I could not actually imagine my making a comeback specific to someone's body, but I absolutely might ask "How might you feel if I said that exact same thing to you?"
These are literally only people I see when I choose to visit my old workplace, and I absolutely needed some support after that crappy afternoon. I think you could have expressed your sentiments in a way that did not come across in such a way that I feel you're just arguing with me for the sake of arguing. Otherwise, you could have just rolled your eyes at my thread and moved along. I don't think your comments are very helpful to myself, or yourself for that matter. Cheers.0 -
"It is impossible for others to know your sensitivities unless you have that talk."
In my opinion, commenting on an individual's weight gain is in poor taste, whether I am sensitive about it or not, and regardless of what the intention was when it was mentioned. I guess holding everyone to that standard of etiquette is unrealistic. Clearly.
"I find your actions here worse than the comments you complain about. By your own admission, you know they didn't mean harm and probably meant it as a compliment."
I'm sorry you feel that way. Luckily, while posting on the internet, you have the option of being selective in the conversations you participate in. And you are correct - it was PROBABLY meant as a compliment. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. It does not make hearing those comments or being stared up and down any less uncomfortable or upsetting for me.
"On the other hand, nothing in this thread is meant as complimentary of the people where you used to work and you act as though going behind their backs to a site you don't think they'll visit makes it somehow acceptable."
I needed some support. Is that not what this website is for? As I previously stated, I needed to vent. And I did, and it helped. And no one was hurt in the process.
"I hope they are prepared to hear MY opinions about THEIR weight" does not sound supportive ... in fact seems extremely judgemental."
Well why not, if they feel it's OK to openly judge my body? I could not actually imagine my making a comeback specific to someone's body, but I absolutely might ask "How might you feel if I said that exact same thing to you?"
These are literally only people I see when I choose to visit my old workplace, and I absolutely needed some support after that crappy afternoon. I think you could have expressed your sentiments in a way that did not come across in such a way that I feel you're just arguing with me for the sake of arguing. Otherwise, you could have just rolled your eyes at my thread and moved along. I don't think your comments are very helpful to myself, or yourself for that matter. Cheers.
The hypocrisy of you complaining about etiquette while talking about others behind their back actually made me laugh. It's clear you only want to hear that you're 100% right and everyone else is wrong. Guess what ... that isn't reality. Honesty is helpful ... letting you lie to yourself and others isn't. Perhaps one day you'll progress enough to realize that.
I could have gone to a site that I don't think you'd visit and call you names behind your back ... then claim I needed support in that effort ... all while playing along with your comments here ... but that would be impolite and dishonest to you, and much more importantly to myself. If you find that as argumentative, you're then taking issue with your own actions.0 -
"It is impossible for others to know your sensitivities unless you have that talk."
In my opinion, commenting on an individual's weight gain is in poor taste, whether I am sensitive about it or not, and regardless of what the intention was when it was mentioned. I guess holding everyone to that standard of etiquette is unrealistic. Clearly.
"I find your actions here worse than the comments you complain about. By your own admission, you know they didn't mean harm and probably meant it as a compliment."
I'm sorry you feel that way. Luckily, while posting on the internet, you have the option of being selective in the conversations you participate in. And you are correct - it was PROBABLY meant as a compliment. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. It does not make hearing those comments or being stared up and down any less uncomfortable or upsetting for me.
"On the other hand, nothing in this thread is meant as complimentary of the people where you used to work and you act as though going behind their backs to a site you don't think they'll visit makes it somehow acceptable."
I needed some support. Is that not what this website is for? As I previously stated, I needed to vent. And I did, and it helped. And no one was hurt in the process.
"I hope they are prepared to hear MY opinions about THEIR weight" does not sound supportive ... in fact seems extremely judgemental."
Well why not, if they feel it's OK to openly judge my body? I could not actually imagine my making a comeback specific to someone's body, but I absolutely might ask "How might you feel if I said that exact same thing to you?"
These are literally only people I see when I choose to visit my old workplace, and I absolutely needed some support after that crappy afternoon. I think you could have expressed your sentiments in a way that did not come across in such a way that I feel you're just arguing with me for the sake of arguing. Otherwise, you could have just rolled your eyes at my thread and moved along. I don't think your comments are very helpful to myself, or yourself for that matter. Cheers.
The hypocrisy of you complaining about etiquette while talking about others behind their back actually made me laugh. It's clear you only want to hear that you're 100% right and everyone else is wrong. Guess what ... that isn't reality. Honesty is helpful ... letting you lie to yourself and others isn't. Perhaps one day you'll progress enough to realize that.
I could have gone to a site that I don't think you'd visit and call you names behind your back ... then claim I needed support in that effort ... all while playing along with your comments here ... but that would be impolite and dishonest to you, and much more importantly to myself. If you find that as argumentative, you're then taking issue with your own actions.
And I'm being honest when I say your condescending tone is not very helpful to me. I'm not sure what your intentions were when you initially replied to this, other than to start a conflict of sorts. If you wanted to offer advice then I apologize but the way in which you offered it failed to reach me. "Perhaps one day you'll progress enough to realize this." I don't appreciate being spoken to like I'm an idiot, because I most certainly am not.0 -
You may not be an idiot but you definitely hunt out things to get offended by and overlook anything in your own behaviors that requires facing your flaws. You claim you're polite and complain about other people's etiquette while starting a thread to talk about them behind their back .. a very impolite behavior. Somebody tries to say you're getting healthier (your comments and admission of an ED illustrate you needed to gain in order to be healthy) in what is an awkward manner , you get upset while judging their weight negatively. You rant online rather than have an adult conversation with the people who's comments make you uncomfortable.You equate a comment about reaching a healthy weight range with an overweight person gaining into an even more unhealthy range. You then interpret any honesty about the content of your statements and actions as arguing for the sake of arguing.0
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