Remembering Food as a Joyful Thing - Now That It's Joyless

I was recently released from the hospital after spending a week there for a variety of problems, including a heart arrhythmia. I'm weak as a kitten right now (well, not the big strapping cat my parents' own; that cat could kick my a--). But the thing I'm struggling with the most is the absolutely ruinous effect food is having on me right now. I can handle only the mildest, blandest food, and in tiny quantities. Even then, I often get violently sick. I've lost a ton of weight in a short period of time and I finally got my raging regular appetite down--yay! Everything I've wanted for ages!

But to my great chagrin, not yay. Not even a little bit yay. I'm doubled over half of the day. I'm weak from lack of food, but when I eat--even very carefully--I make myself sick. Looking at even commonplace treats I love--rice pudding, a little peanut butter, coffee in the morning--turns my stomach. I stand on the scale in the morning and almost desultorily notice it's down another 1 or 2 pounds. I feel like death warmed over.

It's been so long that I've seen food as a good, warm thing; as appetite a sign of health and vitality instead of weakness. Losing the desire to eat? Woo hoo! No. Wanting to eat, being able to eat, is a good thing. Eventually I'll get healthier and things will right themselves (I hope), and I'll probably sink back into food over saturation or under eating, I'll fight with my body instead of trying to figure out what it wants while balancing that with a healthy life. I'll run the same loops, say the same things, fight the same battles from going down the same alleys instead of switching up my route. I'm not trying to be negative; it's just history tells.

So, dear future self: Please remember what it feels like to be current me. Ill, hating food, in pain most of the day, walking around with a nervous, sick belly. Just because it helps to remember how food can be a big force for good, and a happy thing, and a treat, and energy, and the opposite of illness. Remember this currently fragile situation and be glad you're more robust and want to eat.