How to tell someone you dont want to give

2

Replies

  • Tanie98
    Tanie98 Posts: 675 Member
    I have been in this exact position.

    I used to drive to and from university years ago which, if not taking the detour, would only take me just under half an hour. With the detour, it would take me 45 minutes to an hour depending on the traffic. I didn't mind doing it every now and then but it got to a point that it was at least twice a week, if not more.

    I finally bit the bullet and said that it was making it difficult for me to get home at a reasonable time due to peak hour traffic...etc.

    She stopped talking to me for a good month or so.

    I didn't need that friendship, if someone was going to take advantage of me.

    It's now several years down the track and we sometimes message each other on Facebook, but there's no drama any more. She's grown up a bit, I think.

    I am glad everything worked out in the end for you:flowerforyou:
  • FrozenSongBird
    FrozenSongBird Posts: 3,892 Member
    I would just say sorry but no.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
    Sure, can my mother in law stay with you this weekend?
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,242 Member
    NRNR!!

    Seriously though, if you arent comfortable just saying no, say you have errands or need to make a personal call in the car on the way home.
  • lacurandera1
    lacurandera1 Posts: 8,083 Member
    I would tell someone that my commute time was a time for me to decompress, meditate and prepare myself mentally for the tasks ahead& of me at home.

    I think this would be a particularly good excuse for someone with children. A commute could very well be your only quiet time.of the day.
  • leadslinger17
    leadslinger17 Posts: 297 Member
    Give her a ride. Fart a lot on the way home. Try to hold her hand. Listen to nothing but 2 Live Crew and Yanni. Drive 20 mph on the highway in the fast lane. Have phone sex with your husband or boyfriend on your cell phone while she's in the car.

    Lots of ways to make sure she doesn't ask again.

    haha... I like the crank up some obnoxious music idea... and sing/dance along
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    Maybe it's because I'm old at 37 and live in a place without reliable public transit...but I can't imagine working with people at this stage in life who tried to mooch rides. WTH.

    If it happened though, I'd probably be so surprised that I'd give the person a ride...but then I'd carefully & quickly set some boundaries. After giving someone a one time "emergency" ride, I would probably say something about having a lot of outside plans and interests, so I just did not have the spare time to go extra places before or after work.

    Do you love your job? If not - I would maybe find something else, where coworkers would have reliable transportation of their own.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    Whenever I have taken rides with people I would pay them, and also I would meet them at their home or a train station near them. And never a daily kind of thing. And I would never get upset if they couldn't, and would never expect it.
  • SueInAz
    SueInAz Posts: 6,592 Member
    If she's taking you out of your way, even just a few miles, ask for gas money. Gas and wear and tear on your car, not to mention your time for the detour, all cost money. Make sure the amount is more than bus fare. I doubt she'd ask for rides again.
  • Tanie98
    Tanie98 Posts: 675 Member
    I have been offered a rides as well before I had a car and I would gladly accept but I never expected rides or ask for one .I think there is difference being offered a ride and expecting one as if you are entitled to one. Sometimes if offer a ride as favour to someone, they start expecting one based on my experience
  • Tanie98
    Tanie98 Posts: 675 Member
    If she's taking you out of your way, even just a few miles, ask for gas money. Gas and wear and tear on your car, not to mention your time for the detour, all cost money. Make sure the amount is more than bus fare. I doubt she'd ask for rides again.

    I agree with you but she lives like few minutes away from house so its not too much out my way. I just hate giving people rides since it makes me feel uneasy since their life is in my hands especially when they start expecting a ride all the time.I feel more free and relax when I am alone in the car.I also hate it when some people also act as if they don't trust your driving abilities and they the ones asking for rides.
  • bergpa
    bergpa Posts: 148 Member
    Sometimes the best way is to just say no and not offer a lot of explanations. "I'm sorry, I can't" is a reasonable response. Too often we give reasons so the other person won't be upset with us but you really can't control how the other person is going to feel about it.
  • Docmahi
    Docmahi Posts: 1,603 Member
    don't stop the car just keep driving :P
  • DBoone85
    DBoone85 Posts: 916 Member
    Let them get in the car, and take off. Do not talk to them, at all. Drive past their destination. Keep driving. When they try to tell you you missed the stop, do not acknowledge them. Continue to drive farther and farther out into the country, taking the back roads, then the gravel roads, then the dirt roads, then the farm roads until you are near the van down by the river. Finally, stop, get out and walk to the trunk, get your machete and shovel and tell them to get out of the car.

    They will never ask you again.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    Op, honestly you are making this into a big deal. Just say no for the reason(s) you told us. Don't try to add reasons. One reason is all you need or just say no. Stop building up how you think she will react. Give her a chance. Maybe you will see that she is actually a reasonable human being. And if she isn't, then who the hell cares how she reacts. That's her problem. It's not a big deal. Really. Relax.
  • SueInAz
    SueInAz Posts: 6,592 Member
    If she's taking you out of your way, even just a few miles, ask for gas money. Gas and wear and tear on your car, not to mention your time for the detour, all cost money. Make sure the amount is more than bus fare. I doubt she'd ask for rides again.

    I agree with you but she lives like few minutes away from house so its not too much out my way. I just hate giving people rides since it makes me feel uneasy since their life is in my hands especially when they start expecting a ride all the time.I feel more free and relax when I am alone in the car.I also hate it when some people also act as if they don't trust your driving abilities and they the ones asking for rides.
    I get that last part. My husband makes little rude comments about my driving from time to time. He drives his truck and I drive my car if we go out together. He'll say, "aren't you sticking out a little far?" or "you cut that corner rather close". ARGH! I finally told him the other day that I never say anything about the stuff he does and if he made one more comment about my driving that I would no longer drive.

    While it might not be out of your way, if she expects a regular ride then she owes you compensation for driving her. Right now, you are literally giving her a free ride; you're saving her bus fare and she's taking advantage of you. Tell her that if she wants rides then she'll need to split the cost of driving 50/50 with you. The cost factors in gas, insurance, wear and tear, etc. The government mileage reimbursement rate is $.56 per mile this year. So she should pay you $.28 per mile you drive her. So 10 miles would be $2.80, for example. For $14.00 per week you'll give her a ride home every day, payable in advance on Mondays. I promise you, if the bus is cheaper than that, and I'm betting it is, she'll no longer ask for rides.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    When I ask a close friend if i can drive with them, I walk to them, pay them, and they drop me off at the train for my ride home. And I return favors. This only happens if we are going out together and if the place is very far from public transit (which is rare).
  • salembambi
    salembambi Posts: 5,585 Member
    I'm glad i don't have a job. or a car. or friends.
  • VelveteenArabian
    VelveteenArabian Posts: 758 Member
    I say "I don't mind but I have to stop at the barn/gym/dance studio on the way. Won't be long, just 2-3 hours max."





    I'm kidding...I just say I'm not going that way right after work. If they persist then I say the above.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    I say "I don't mind but I have to stop at the barn/gym/dance studio on the way. Won't be long, just 2-3 hours max."





    I'm kidding...I just say I'm not going that way right after work. If they persist then I say the above.

    yuuupppp

    Sure- as long as you don't mind going to the gym for 2 hours- then going to the studio for another 3.

    then I'll drop you off.
  • Tanie98
    Tanie98 Posts: 675 Member
    If she's taking you out of your way, even just a few miles, ask for gas money. Gas and wear and tear on your car, not to mention your time for the detour, all cost money. Make sure the amount is more than bus fare. I doubt she'd ask for rides again.

    I agree with you but she lives like few minutes away from house so its not too much out my way. I just hate giving people rides since it makes me feel uneasy since their life is in my hands especially when they start expecting a ride all the time.I feel more free and relax when I am alone in the car.I also hate it when some people also act as if they don't trust your driving abilities and they the ones asking for rides.
    I get that last part. My husband makes little rude comments about my driving from time to time. He drives his truck and I drive my car if we go out together. He'll say, "aren't you sticking out a little far?" or "you cut that corner rather close". ARGH! I finally told him the other day that I never say anything about the stuff he does and if he made one more comment about my driving that I would no longer drive.

    While it might not be out of your way, if she expects a regular ride then she owes you compensation for driving her. Right now, you are literally giving her a free ride; you're saving her bus fare and she's taking advantage of you. Tell her that if she wants rides then she'll need to split the cost of driving 50/50 with you. The cost factors in gas, insurance, wear and tear, etc. The government mileage reimbursement rate is $.56 per mile this year. So she should pay you $.28 per mile you drive her. So 10 miles would be $2.80, for example. For $14.00 per week you'll give her a ride home every day, payable in advance on Mondays. I promise you, if the bus is cheaper than that, and I'm betting it is, she'll no longer ask for rides.

    That's a great idea:flowerforyou:
  • yellowlemoned
    yellowlemoned Posts: 335 Member
    A simple 'I'm sorry, I can't give you a ride home. I have things to do after work." over and over usually does the trick.
  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,262 Member
    i honestly dont see the problem with taking a colleague home as long as you dont have to detour. If its due to confidence i think having a passenger in the car will eventually help your confidence. If its a case of not liking the colleague then you just have to say no seeing as its your car.
  • Tanie98
    Tanie98 Posts: 675 Member
    A simple 'I'm sorry, I can't give you a ride home. I have things to do after work." over and over usually does the trick.

    I have tried that and she stopped for a while but she recently started asking again.I think being blunt will do the trick but I am worried that it might cause hard feelings between us.We are cool so its not like I don't like her.I just hate having passengers in my car.Its nothing personal
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    A simple 'I'm sorry, I can't give you a ride home. I have things to do after work." over and over usually does the trick.

    I have tried that and she stopped for a while but she recently started asking again.I think being blunt will do the trick but I am worried that it might cause hard feelings between us.We are cool so its not like I don't like her.I just hate having passengers in my car.Its nothing personal

    Just tell her that. She just needs to understand this is a definite no from you for your own personal reasons.
  • Tanie98
    Tanie98 Posts: 675 Member
    A simple 'I'm sorry, I can't give you a ride home. I have things to do after work." over and over usually does the trick.

    I have tried that and she stopped for a while but she recently started asking again.I think being blunt will do the trick but I am worried that it might cause hard feelings between us.We are cool so its not like I don't like her.I just hate having passengers in my car.Its nothing personal

    Just tell her that. She just needs to understand this is a definite no from you for your own personal reasons.

    Yes I will when she ask next time.Hopefully she won't resent me as whe is great person
  • Tanie98
    Tanie98 Posts: 675 Member
    Its also more has to do for the fact that owning a car can be expensive and someone else expecting rides as if they are entitled.There is difference between being offered a ride than expecting one.There was also a time when one of my co workers also asked me for a ride but she lives out of my way so I turned her down.I was also afraid that if gave her ride , she will start expecting one all the time which is big no no to me
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    I hope it works out.

    You are just going in circles with the worrying and jumping to conclusions. Some people don't drive because they have a fear of driving from past bad experiences. It's best they don't drive.
  • Natihilator
    Natihilator Posts: 1,778 Member
    "Sorry, I can't give you rides, ever, it just doesn't work out for me" and if she presses you just say a firm No and walk away. She will get over it. I have friends that I've had to give blunt no's to before. They get it. Because we all understand that we all need to do our thing.

    Cars and gas are expensive, and time is precious. I used to have a 1.5 hour public transit commute to work before I bought my own car with my hard-earned cash. I never pushed anyone for rides, no matter where they lived or what direction they were going in. She could have 10 legit reasons for not driving but none of those are your problem.
  • BigT555
    BigT555 Posts: 2,067 Member
    "I am not a taxi."

    I'm gonna have to right this down on a cue card soon, a friend is getting bad for asking for rides halfway across the city on a daily basis and I'm getting sick of saying it.

    if you ask for a free ride more than a couple times a week then you're a freeloader. take a bus, owning a car is expensive enough without paying 2 peoples worth of km's in maintenance and gas

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