Weight loss affecting relationship???

mz_getskinny · September 2014

When I started losing weight in 2012-2013, my relationship started failing. The only thing I was doing differently at the time was counting calories and exercising. He was such a huge part of the reason I wanted to lose weight. I wanted to make him happy and ultimately I wanted him to find me more attractive. His ex weighed significantly less than me and she (to this day) does nothing but insult me because of my weight, so I thought that being smaller would make me feel better, him feel better, and get her to shut her mouth. Unfortunately, when I hit my lowest weight last year, the relationship actually did fail. We ended up breaking up after he did some pretty terrible things to me.

Well, we got back together because a couple weeks after the break up, I found out I was 3 months pregnant. We decided to make a lot of changes and I decided to forgive A LOT and do whatever we had to do for this baby. Everything has been pretty good. Not perfect, but better than it was before. Now that I am a couple weeks into this new weight loss journey, things are starting to go downhill again. I am not spending any less time with him, with the exception of the occasional walk. He ignores me when I talk about anything that has to do with weight or exercise or food. He also always tends to come up with some "crisis" when I'm out for a walk that makes me cut my walk short and come home. I can't even get excited when I lose a pound or when I meet my exercise goal or anything, because he will just completely disregard it.

Am I reading too much into this? Or does this happen a lot? It seriously seems like he likes me better when my confidence is lacking and I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I just don't understand it. I hate having zero support at home. It really makes this harder than it already is. At the same time, I don't want to end up a skinny single mother of 2.

Does anyone have any insight on this?

Commander_Keen · September 2014

Where/how to start.
#1 I don't think he is interested in weight loss.. so don't talk about it.
#2 Unless the house is on fire, don't' cut your walks shorts. or leave your phone at the house.

#3 you could be smaller than his ex gf.. but that will not stop her from mking fun of you.
#4 Your on your own with your weight loss journey.

elephant2mouse · September 2014

I'm no expert, but maybe he's insecure with himself so he wants you to be insecure as well?
It just sounds like a crappy situation.

I know my husband will bring home sweets almost everyday, and it gets really frustrating. My husband has even said that I do really good on my own until he mentions going out to eat or sweets, ect... I suck in the willpower department, but I have improved.

Does he have your children when you're walking? Maybe you could take them with you a couple times and put your phone on silent so he can't call you; and see if he tries to.

ETA: Why is his ex still in y'alls life? I'd cut her out.

tibsons_girl · September 2014

It seriously seems like he likes me better when my confidence is lacking and I am uncomfortable in my own skin.

That quote above is a sign of an emotional abuser. You seem to know exactly whats going on, maybe just don't want to admit it to yourself for the fear of being alone. It won't get better. You should get out of the situation for your own sanity.

He seems to not have an issue with the way you look now, but he also is not defending you to his ex. (why she's still in the picture.. who knows) You should want to get fit for you and he needs to deal with it.

I refer to my above paragraph. This is abusive and you should get out now.

PrizePopple · September 2014

It seriously seems like he likes me better when my confidence is lacking and I am uncomfortable in my own skin.

I would sit down and talk to him about that right there. If he is in fact intentionally making you feel bad about yourself for trying to be skinnier, healthier, and more attractive, then that's a form of abuse. It's one thing for him to be ambivalent about it, and a whole different matter for him to try and manipulate you emotionally and control your choices for your body and health.

At the same time, I don't want to end up a skinny single mother of 2.

That would be a lot better than being with someone who hurts you emotionally. Would you rather your kids grow up seeing their father treat you poorly and disregard your feelings?

My DH was acting very uninterested in my walk last night, and made an uncalled for remark, both of which I called him out on. After telling him point blank he was acting like an a-hole, we discussed my little victory, and he complimented me on taking my desire to get healthy seriously. THAT... that is more normal, not totally normal because there is no such thing especially not with my DH ... but he's not the kind of person to trip over himself to pat anyone on the back either, so if he did that I'd be suspicious.

caracrawford1 · September 2014

First of all if losing weight is what you want to do, go for it. Improve your health and your self esteem. Not for him. Not for anyone else. For you.
Second, please do not take this the wrong way, but the first mistake you made was in getting back into a failed relationship because you were pregnant. Babies do not make a relationship. If it wasn't working before, its definitely not going to work now.
If you are unhappy in this relationship and don't see it going anywhere, make sure you iron out arrangements with regard to your children(child support, etc) and get out. Don't stay if only because you don't want to be a single mother. That's a lame excuse.

monie5903 · September 2014

I've never been through this, but it seems like a theme I've seen on here. He may be mourning losing the old you and afraid of getting to know the new you. This made me think of my 600 poound journey when she began to lose her weight and her partner began to withdraw and be rude to her. He had a difficult time accpeting it because she was becoming independent of him. He loved that she needed him. He also was attracted to bigger women. However, he was able to get over it and evenutally accept her when he realized he didn't want to lose her and she was still herself.

It sounds like he is having some major issues and if he cannot learn to trust you and know that you are still you, even as you lose weight, it may not work. He needs to understand that you being healthy keeps you happy and here for him and your two children!

I'm rooting for you and praying that he will come around for your family, your happiness, and your relationship. Don't change your goals hunny!!!

mz_getskinny · September 2014

As far as his ex wife goes, they have a child together, so the only reason she is in our lives is for dropping off and picking up the child.

I always take the kids with me when I go on walks.

I know he isn't interested in weight loss, but I am. And if he is interested in me, then he should at least support me, right?

He used to be super athletic, but he gained weight when I was pregnant. He blames me for it. He always says it jokingly, but I know he blames me for it. He is not happy with himself right now, but I didn't force him to gain weight during my pregnancy. He decided to quit his job and be unemployed for 6 months of my pregnancy, so I think that had a lot more to do with his weight gain than anything I did.

I feel like we are heading down a bad path and I was just curious if it was common in relationships, or if it was just a problem with my relationship in particular.

mz_getskinny · September 2014

I've never been through this, but it seems like a theme I've seen on here. He may be mourning losing the old you and afraid of getting to know the new you. This made me think of my 600 poound journey when she began to lose her weight and her partner began to withdraw and be rude to her. He had a difficult time accpeting it because she was becoming independent of him. He loved that she needed him. He also was attracted to bigger women. However, he was able to get over it and evenutally accept her when he realized he didn't want to lose her and she was still herself.

It sounds like he is having some major issues and if he cannot learn to trust you and know that you are still you, even as you lose weight, it may not work. He needs to understand that you being healthy keeps you happy and here for him and your two children!

I'm rooting for you and praying that he will come around for your family, your happiness, and your relationship. Don't change your goals hunny!!!

Thank you so much for your response. And I definitely have no intention of changing my goals. I am just trying to decide if I should make some other changes

PrizePopple · September 2014

As far as his ex wife goes, they have a child together, so the only reason she is in our lives is for dropping off and picking up the child.

I always take the kids with me when I go on walks.

I know he isn't interested in weight loss, but I am. And if he is interested in me, then he should at least support me, right?

He used to be super athletic, but he gained weight when I was pregnant. He blames me for it. He always says it jokingly, but I know he blames me for it. He is not happy with himself right now, but I didn't force him to gain weight during my pregnancy. He decided to quit his job and be unemployed for 6 months of my pregnancy, so I think that had a lot more to do with his weight gain than anything I did.

I feel like we are heading down a bad path and I was just curious if it was common in relationships, or if it was just a problem with my relationship in particular.

Having been in a relationship that was full of psychological, emotional, and verbal abuse ... please consider leaving now if you realize things are not going well. It will likely not get better, and the longer you wait the harder it will become. As a PP said the fear of being a single mother is not the right reason to stay. Your emotional health is equally as important as your physical health.

blukitten · September 2014

" It seriously seems like he likes me better when my confidence is lacking and I am uncomfortable in my own skin".

I think you hit the nail on the head right there IMO. This is how he was originally attracted to you and how he probably thinks he could get a girl like you in the first place. I agree with others that he is probably very insecure- not that he wants you the same way but is afraid that if you arent the same way- you will wake up and decide you deserve better than him- because he thinks he is not good enough for you!

Just my opinion and experience

lhkim85 · September 2014

I think everyone else has said anything useful already so my only addition is this: DTMFA.

mz_getskinny · September 2014

First of all if losing weight is what you want to do, go for it. Improve your health and your self esteem. Not for him. Not for anyone else. For you.
Second, please do not take this the wrong way, but the first mistake you made was in getting back into a failed relationship because you were pregnant. Babies do not make a relationship. If it wasn't working before, its definitely not going to work now.
If you are unhappy in this relationship and don't see it going anywhere, make sure you iron out arrangements with regard to your children(child support, etc) and get out. Don't stay if only because you don't want to be a single mother. That's a lame excuse.

Yeah, I know a baby isn't going to make a relationship work. The whole pregnancy just came as such a shock to me, and it was horrible timing (obviously) and we didn't just make the decision overnight to get back together. A lot more was involved when it came to that. I never assumed everything was going to be perfect once the baby came. That wasn't it at all.

I think I want to be happy in this relationship, but sitting back and looking at the big picture, it is pretty obvious that there are major problems that are going on.

Once again, I was just curious. Thanks for everyone's input.

HazelMcNutty · September 2014

I honestly don't know whats going on but I have two thoughts:

!) His Ex was a total b*tch and he equates thinner girls with more drama etc. He's worried if you look like her you'll turn into her?

or

2) He doesn't want you to be confident. Some guys feel like if their ladies are attractive and feel good about themselves they will see what a loser their man is and go try to find another (which could very well be true if their man is a douche bag) It could be a controlling thing I'd watch out for that one because if it is the case, then you're WAY better off being a single mom of 2.

oh and 3) Maybe he just digs bigger girls.

mz_getskinny · September 2014

I honestly don't know whats going on but I have two thoughts:

!) His Ex was a total b*tch and he equates thinner girls with more drama etc. He's worried if you look like her you'll turn into her?

or

2) He doesn't want you to be confident. Some guys feel like if their ladies are attractive and feel good about themselves they will see what a loser their man is and go try to find another (which could very well be true if their man is a douche bag) It could be a controlling thing I'd watch out for that one because if it is the case, then you're WAY better off being a single mom of 2.

oh and 3) Maybe he just digs bigger girls.

Yeah I definitely don't see it as a controlling thing. I am leaning toward him being insecure, especially now that he's gained a few extra lbs. But I also like your other two points. Yes, his ex is a total b****. Like, I've never quite met anyone so horrible in my life. And its very possible that he does just dig bigger girls, since I was at my heaviest when he first showed interest in me.

On the other hand, I sometimes get a narcissistic vibe from him. So maybe he just really doesn't care about anything to do with my physical health (or mental health for that matter) because it has nothing to do with him? Or that focusing more on myself takes the focus off of him? Idk...all I know is that I have a lot to think about.

PrizePopple · September 2014

It seriously seems like he likes me better when my confidence is lacking and I am uncomfortable in my own skin

Yeah I definitely don't see it as a controlling thing.

Can you please explain the discrepancy in those two statements? Like really sit and think about those two sentence for a moment, and then tell me what is wrong.

mz_getskinny · September 2014

It seriously seems like he likes me better when my confidence is lacking and I am uncomfortable in my own skin

Yeah I definitely don't see it as a controlling thing.

Can you please explain the discrepancy in those two statements? Like really sit and think about those two sentence for a moment, and then tell me what is wrong.

I'm sorry, I don't see the comparison there. While some people might be both controlling and insecure, I don't think they always go hand in hand. I don't believe he wants to control me into staying fat. I think its more like me feeling better about myself makes him feel worse about himself. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what is making the most sense to me right now.

I honestly believe the whole thing is more about him and how he feels about himself than it is about me.

redscylla · September 2014

It seriously seems like he likes me better when my confidence is lacking and I am uncomfortable in my own skin

Yeah I definitely don't see it as a controlling thing.

Can you please explain the discrepancy in those two statements? Like really sit and think about those two sentence for a moment, and then tell me what is wrong.

I'm sorry, I don't see the comparison there. While some people might be both controlling and insecure, I don't think they always go hand in hand. I don't believe he wants to control me into staying fat. I think its more like me feeling better about myself makes him feel worse about himself. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what is making the most sense to me right now.

I honestly believe the whole thing is more about him and how he feels about himself than it is about me.

You say, "me feeling better about myself makes him feel worse about himself." So, in other words, he feels better about himself when you feel worse about yourself. Does that sound healthy? Does a healthy relationship develop when one person's self-esteem is improved by someone else's being destroyed? If you want to keep him, you all need couples counseling.

RodaRose · September 2014

It is weird that you are helping to raise his other child and yet he gives you grief. He should be treeing you like an angel.
Any guy who feels better when a woman is feeling unconfident is a controller and an abuser.
Make plans without him so that you can build up your confidence and take good care of yourself and your child. Good luck.

Daphnerose86 · September 2014

This sounds like a crappy situation to be in. At first I thought maybe he is just indifferent to your weight loss journey but when you said he has some sort of "crisis" and you have to cut short your work outs it sounds like sabotage. And part of being a good partner is supporting the other person even when we don't really care either way. My boyfriend was put off at first when I decided to get healthier mostly because he loves me at my current weight (he likes how squishy I am lol) But he knows how important it is to me and doesn't get in the way of what I'm trying to do. He's even stepped in and helped me tell family members no when they try to shove food down my throat.

Having kids complicates every situation and I think it is great that you love your children so much that you would sacrifice your own happiness to do what you think is best to benefit them. However there is nothing wrong with being a strong independent single mother who is happy. If you choose to stay in this relationship remember that it will reflect to your children what to expect when they are in relationships. Do you wish them your fate? Is that something you want to teach them?

Life is too short. If you have done everything you can and you are still unhappy with your partner, leave. You will be happier in the long run. I have plenty of friends who have amazing step parents too. It's just a matter of what you think is appropriate.

At the very least sit down with him and discuss how this is making you feel and how important it is to have support from him. But being healthier is always the right choice, no one should make you feel bad for it.

Madame_Goldbricker · September 2014

You stated that he did some pretty terrible things to you which resulted in your previous break up?
You also stated that he was athletic previously but has only gained weight during the time you were pregnant?
He quit his job whilst you were pregnant?
He can't cope with you going for a walk without needing you to come home?
**You take the kids with you (so he can't look after your kids whilst you exercise?)

^^These do not sound like the actions of an individual who cares about anyone outside of themselves. Yes, you had a child together. Yes, you've tried to resolve the issues. No, being a single parent isn't always ideal. But do you really want to wait 18yrs till your kids leave home before considering this might be a crap relationship?

Your weight loss is NOT affecting your relationship. Your partner is the problem here.

Good luck OP.

Fuzzipeg · September 2014

People who control are devious. This is a form of abuse. They only have their own interests at heart and they will make you think what they are doing is not abusive. You can see bruises, though in the worst cases they are kept to areas where they can be prevented from showing. You are becoming emotional bruised this takes longer to recover from and may get in the way of even the most supportive of friendships at some far distant later time.

You gave him the opportunity to take the moral high ground, by giving him the opportunity to be in the young child's life. How does he repay you............................

I question how you regard weight loss, is it weight loss for weight loss sake, or do you have a sub text? I want to be healthy, to be there for my children. I want to be healthy to take part in those children's activities to play foot ball or take them hiking when they are older what ever. I want to be healthy so I will be in the best shape I can be to be there for them even when they are my own age? I want to avoid, diabetes, bronchitis, kidney problems (for instance) and this is the best I can do for me, for them and I am committed.

I once saw my life as a pendulum which would swing, If the pendulum was straight down things were sort of ok, were it ahead of this wonderful, heaven forbid it fell back below for protracted periods of time, when it did, it was get out time for me. The best timing for this unfortunately is when the children are younger. They absorb less of the humiliation, they do not take on the abuse too. You do not need your children to carry their wounds well into middle age, or do you? There is never any easy option.

Long life and plenty of happiness to you all

catb58 · September 2014

First, make up your mind to get healthier/lose weight for YOU!!!

Then think seriously about the things you've posted here. He did some terrible things to you and you broke up. You got back together only because of a baby. He quit his job while you were pregnant. Now he seems to be sabotaging your efforts to become healthier because it sure sounds like he's much happier when you're insecure. He's allowing his ex to make fun of you.

If his behavior was terrible enough for you to break up, a baby won't "Band-Aid" the relationship together. He now has you even more firmly emotionally/financially tied to him and knows it will be extremely difficult for you to leave if his behavior isn't conducive to a decent relationship....and keeping you insecure adds to that control.

As for his ex, why is she given the opportunity to make fun of you? Does he hear her? If so, why isn't he putting a stop to it or making sure she isn't allowed into your home long enough to do so? Personally, I'd have her wait outside or in her car and would have him take the child to her. If he's allowing her to make fun of you, then he's just as guilty as she is.

If you're taking the children with you on your walks, what possible crisis can come up at home that he can't deal with? If he can't deal with daily issues that arise at home, you're basically caring for 3 kids.

I assume he's paying child support to the ex? If so, how did that get paid while you were pregnant? I've often found that a parent's attitude about responsibility toward a child is how he/she looks at all responsibilities. (Before I get flamed, that's "OFTEN" and not "ALWAYS." I've also seen some parents who get totally screwed over by the system.)

It sounds like you have less than "no support" from this guy. You have someone who likes it when you're insecure, allows his ex to make fun of you, quits his job when you're pregnant to sit home and sulk. He figures you aren't going anywhere because he has you right where he wants you. All the things you've posted say "emotional abuser." Will that escalate into physical abuse when emotionally controlling your behavior doesn't work any more?

Think on this: If you had a daughter or a younger sister, what would you think about her being in this situation?

nicola8989 · September 2014

I left an abusive ex at the beginning of the year who sounds similar to your partner. It was really difficult to get away but I don't regret it for even a second. I thought I'd never meet anyone else, I was at my heaviest when I left him, but I am now with the most wonderful man who supports me and cares for me in every way possible. It's really taught me how relationships actually should be.

It's really hard to lose weight if you're being bullied by his ex and he is making it clear he didn't like it. My ex called me fat all the time because he was projecting his own insecurities about his weight onto me, but if I tried to lose weight he got very insecure and sabotaged me.

If you want some advice feel free to message me x

Weight loss affecting relationship???

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