This lifestyle change is murdering me mentally

Firstly, I am super impressed that you push through your workout regimens despite your limitations. I admire that so much and am inspired by your story!

Secondly, and this is good news.... I believe you have now pinpointed the real reason you became overweight. And that's good, because when you know the "why's", you can start to implement healthy "how's" in such a way that fixes the real problem.

Most people who are "morbidly obese" (your doctor's words) are compulsive overeaters with an unhealthy dependency upon particular foods or food behaviors for their sense of emotional well-being. It's not necessarily at the forefront of our minds, but way deep down in our subconscious we "use" food almost like a drug to deal with strong emotions such as stress, anger, sadness, loneliness, and yes...even happiness! When we eat our foods of choice (like, cookies, in my case), we feel better (for the moment). When we don't have access to them, we feel an overwhelming compulsion to find them and eat them. And the world is not right until we do.

I had this problem myself so I'm very familiar.

When you remove the foods that you have depended upon for so long out of your diet (and therefore out of your body and brain), everything in you becomes very uncomfortable...almost painful - emotionally and physically. This produces tremendous Anxiety. Your brain is desperately seeking ways to cope with this new stress. And since you've traditionally used food to comfort that stress, but are now trying to abstain from food, you get caught up in a panic that manifests itself in all manner of ways.

One of the most common ways it manifests itself? Obsession.

Again - you are discovering right now that your emotions are being pulled to the very surface of your life...they are being exposed....raw and sore. This produces an Anxiety you've probably not experienced before. You are seeking ways to cope with this, to stabilize your inner world. This is normal and natural. The problem is that you're mistakenly seeking peace, comfort, and "normalcy" through that unhealthy mode of control called "obsession".

Obsession is a fixated passion: "If I can just do this PERFECTLY then everything will be alright!" "If I don't do this perfectly, everything will fall apart!"

Neither are true.

But this matters not when you're caught up in it. All you can do is fixate.

My guess is that you probably always had a bit of an obsessive side anyway, even if it was lurking below the surface. It's probably just bleeding out right now due to the strong emotions you're experiencing.

The best thing you can do is to combine your doctor's visits with visits to a therapist who specializes in women's healthy and body issues. It is best not to tackle this on your own and with the limited information and emotional resources you have at this moment. There is nothing wrong with talking to someone about your insides just as much as your outsides. You CAN learn to manage obsession, compulsive eating, and you can have a healthy relationship with food, even if you must eat a bit differently than you used to. So have hope! There is a happy and peaceful future for you...you just need to seek and find it. :flowerforyou:

Approach your sodium goal gradually. Figure out what you normally have been eating. Cut it down my 100mg every week. Very few people get out of bed one morning and go, gee I think I'm going to run a marathon today. It takes months (years even) of practice and preparation. A healthy lifestyle is the same way. If you try to go the whole way right off the bat, you're sabotaging yourself and it's a recipe for failure.

One recommendation that I don't think I saw is to pre-log your food each day. I do the best at sticking to my goals when I sit down the night before and plan out what I'm going to eat the next day and enter everything. That way, I can see where I'll be under/over and tweak things to make sure I hit my goals. That way, you're not approaching each meal as a potential day-ruiner. Instead, you're eating something you know will work with the rest of your day.

It will take some trial and error, but remember that you're aiming for progress, not perfection.

Try Penzy's for salt free seasonings too (there are 2 in Cleveland). Alos try their Cinnamon in oatmeal or on cottage cheese. I prefer the Vietnamese but they are all good.

I think you'll find once you've been doing it a bit longer you will stress less, when it becomes more of a habit. I find I don't obsess constantly like I did when I started.

I get your pain with the exercise thing. My Dr told me due to my scoliosis my lung capacity isn't great. I can barely run 30 seconds until I get so out of breath it hurts. Such a pain when trying to get fit. Hang in there.

One does have to get a bit obsessive and it's an especially annoying adjustment to make in the beginning. But honestly, since getting used to logging and learning how many calories are in most things, I can maintain without even using this site. I still need to log my food daily to lose.

i may have missed something in the OP (or subsequent posts), but why the focus on sodium?

if there is an existing BP issue that was mentioned and i missed it, i do apologize.

What started off this rant and why do I say it's murdering me mentally? Because I feel like a -failure- when my numbers go red, like they did today in sodium.

Two thoughts...

#1: In most things in life, we learn from our failures. That's what happened today, you failed. FAILED. This doesn't mean that you're a failure, it just means that you learned something today about that thing you ate for lunch. You wouldn't have known it if your attempt had worked, you only learned because it failed. Failure is how Edison invented the light bulb. FAIL is a good thing. You are doing so well, that these little learning experiences can't erase how much good that you're doing.

#2: When you can, use MFP as a pre-planner. Decide now what tomorrow is going to be like and type in those foods into tomorrow's diary. This will give you a heads up and allow you to make changes before you consume the food. You can even plan all of next week's work lunches based on your past experiences.

You are doing great! Keep it up!

Also, talk to your doc about the sodium stuff--perhaps you just need some good, go-to meals that aren't high in sodium so you don't have to think about it so much.

Good advice. In the USA, this is difficult because a lot of our pre-packaged foods, restaurant fare, and convenience foods are loaded with sodium.

Your mental health is just as important as your physical health and anything that stresses you out this much is not going to be sustainable in the long run. I would talk to your doctor and see if it's okay to use your target numbers as a guide. Some days you will be slightly over, some under, but hopefully you will get the okay to ease up a little on viewing them as do or die. If your doctor can't work with you to find something that works better and doesn't drive you crazy, maybe you can get a second opinion? You're already way ahead of the game by being aware and making meaningful changes to get healthier. I don't want you to get derailed by being to hard on yourself or too worried about being right on target if you don't have to be. Hang in there, I hope you do well.