unsupportive post to an unhealthy friend

Matilda_Swan
Matilda_Swan Posts: 3,342 Member
in Chit-Chat
Sad morning :( I had to let a friend a go. I was diary creeping and noticed she was only attemtping to (and succeeding) eat 750 calories a day! Her legs were super skinny, like not a thigh gap, more of a thigh abscence! The sad part? Everytime she completed her day her "friends" would tell her "great job" and "looks healthy!"....with friends like that who needs enemies? I sent her a message regarding my decision to end our MFP relationship. I have my own demons with food and she was just triggering me. I need healthy sound people. We all have issues and I can except that, but I wont support an undereater. No way.

If you are reading this and got my message then you know who you are. Please get help before you get hurt.

I wont be a friend that tells you "good job" as you slowly hurt yourself.

If you need help and need to talk, I am here but I cant have your triggering my own demons through your posts and comments on MFP. As much as I want to be supportive I have to put myself first here.

And to those of you that see someone severly undereating and tell them "good job" SHAME ON YOU
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Replies

  • Liftng4Lis
    Liftng4Lis Posts: 15,151 Member
    Had to do the same thing last week. Let it go, you did what you needed to for you.
  • _SantaClause
    _SantaClause Posts: 335 Member
    You sent her a message, was it really necessary to post a thread too?
  • MelsAuntie
    MelsAuntie Posts: 2,833 Member
    I'm surprised you would even know what she has been eating....why were you looking at her food diary?
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  • Skinny_minny_mo
    Skinny_minny_mo Posts: 1,272 Member
    I'm surprised you would even know what she has been eating....why were you looking at her food diary?

    why wouldn't you look at someones diary?
  • gypsy_spirit
    gypsy_spirit Posts: 2,107 Member
    I think a PM to the person would have sufficed in this instance.

    This is why my diary is closed and I NEVER look at my friend's diaries. I am an adult and I balance my calories on a weekly basis. One day might be a little under, one a little over. I don't want feedback or someone critiquing my choices. In turn, my friends are all adults and I don't have time to police them all. Nor do I want to.

    This is just for another perspective. I think we make MFP what we want/need it to be.
  • Liftng4Lis
    Liftng4Lis Posts: 15,151 Member
    I'm surprised you would even know what she has been eating....why were you looking at her food diary?
    I look at my friends diaries daily and vice-versa. Why wouldn't you? The OP point here is she doesn't want to support anyone that's practicing unhealthy habits and I happen to feel the same way.
    Someone mentioned if she sent a message why is she posting about it. Obviously this is upsetting and she's fretting, otherwise she wouldn't have felt the need!
  • GertrudeHorse
    GertrudeHorse Posts: 646 Member
    I'm surprised you would even know what she has been eating....why were you looking at her food diary?

    Just FYI a major part of MFP is sharing your diary with friends. I'm surprised that you are surprised by this!

    ETA: I think the OP made a good decision. I've done the same myself. Put your own health first and no need to expose yourself to triggering stuff unnecessarily.
  • _Zardoz_
    _Zardoz_ Posts: 3,987 Member
    I'm surprised you would even know what she has been eating....why were you looking at her food diary?
    I look at peoples diaries all the time. Normally for Ice cream idea's !!

    I get that you can't support an ED, Ive unfriended people for that but why make a thread about it? Just seems to be gossip to me that will probably make the person you've unfriended feel even worse
  • Laoch_Cailin
    Laoch_Cailin Posts: 414 Member
    I had to do the same this week. I sent a private message too which wasn't received as it was intended. I fretted about it for a day or so. One of my friends put my mind at rest over it. You cannot make someone see your point of view, you can only voice your concerns and move on.

    And I made the comment because of all the 'well done', 'great logging' and 'lovely healthy day' comments made on her wall :(...one of which was from a friend who is apparently a fitness and health trainer. Shame on them people!!!
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  • gypsy_spirit
    gypsy_spirit Posts: 2,107 Member
    I think a PM to the person would have sufficed in this instance.

    This is why my diary is closed and I NEVER look at my friend's diaries. I am an adult and I balance my calories on a weekly basis. One day might be a little under, one a little over. I don't want feedback or someone critiquing my choices. In turn, my friends are all adults and I don't have time to police them all. Nor do I want to.

    This is just for another perspective. I think we make MFP what we want/need it to be.

    I checked for this because sometimes if i know i am going to have a big event I will do my cals weekly instead of daily, so some days I may just consume 500 cal a few days in a row then you see me eat 3000-4000 cals on a given day of garbage party food becuase I planned a weekly approach to the event and not a daily one so I get what you are saying.

    In her case it went back for weeks, her goal was 750 a day and most days she barely hit 500 cals........ and normally when people calorie cycle they post about it so others dont get freaked out by their food diaries.... at least I do.... I warn people via status updates to not be alarmed by my VLC intake for a few days if I am gearing up for a big event where I know food will be eaten...

    So I get the idea of tracking differently, also people have bad days, they forget to log or even get busy and undereat mistakenly.... I get all that.... sadly this wasnt the case.

    My point was, we use MFP as we need/want. I choose not to have people looking at my food diary. For me, MFP is about ME being more responsible for myself. It's also about you being able to choose the friends you wish to interact with and support.

    So, a private message is still the best way to handle a situation like this. I guarantee, the people that just hit *like* or type vague comments have not taken the time to review the diary for that day. Making a thread about this will not stop that from happening.
  • bloodofareptile
    bloodofareptile Posts: 47 Member
    I'm surprised you would even know what she has been eating....why were you looking at her food diary?

    I won't interact with diary posts unless I can see them - I won't "like" people eating less than 1200 calories. I don't say anything to anyone about what they eat (unless it is "oh that sounds amazing" or "what is that?" when we're from different countries), but I don't want to encourage practices I consider unhealthy.

    I also have some friends who aim for similar calorie goals and macro balance to me, and I like seeing how they fill their days because it might give me ideas for my own. My diary is open for the same reason and I've never had anyone criticize my food choices - they probably wouldn't last long!

    OP - as you can see, I agree with you on the main point...
  • IHateThinkingOfAUsername
    IHateThinkingOfAUsername Posts: 568 Member
    I'm another that doesn't "like" "such and such completed their food and exercise diary and was under their calorie goal" updates unless I've been arsed to actually look at their diary and I think it's ok. I generally don't have time to do that though so I just ignore them, because I don't know if they're 50cal under their goal or 500 cal.
  • Snip8241
    Snip8241 Posts: 767 Member
    I tend to eat the same things. I look at my friends diaries to get ideas. I can tell that some of my friends eat differently than I do. I never ever judge, I don't want to be judged. I would never comment if I did not agree with decisions my friends are making day to day, nor would I want them to make comments on what I am doing.

    If they are following something extreme I would quietly unfriendly them. We are all adults here.
  • Kate7294
    Kate7294 Posts: 783 Member
    Sounds like you did the right thing. I often ask "Where's the food?" when I see real low calories.
  • dedflwrs
    dedflwrs Posts: 251 Member
    How was this post a tirade? It was expressing a concern. And I'm sure a lot of people who will read it will see themselves reflected. Will probably do nothing anyway. People who undereat feel they are on a mission and won't listen to anyone. I have a young cousin that has issues with anorexia. They sent her to spend a summer with me because I'm thin but eat healthy. They thought it would inspire her. It did nothing. Matter of fact when I asked her if she thought I was overweight she said that I was (which is funny because people who don't know how much I eat have accused me of being anorexic). Sadly you can't "fix" people with eating disorders by posting to a message board.
  • justcindy59
    justcindy59 Posts: 904 Member
    I think this is a good post....I'm new here and have been clicking like on my friends profiles for completing their day ...some of the food diaries are not available to look at so I guess I don't really know if they had a good day or not...I do like looking at their food diary because it gives me ideas...
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,088 Member
    I totally get what your saying here. I've deleted people for the same reason.once I was close with a girl on here and we would chat all the time( her diary was closed) and we where good mfp friends, one day she opened her diary and I realized she was under eating and over exercising. I messaged her and asked about it. She replied by saying that she was anorexic and bulimic. eventually I had to delete her because I couldn't stand to see someone hurting themselves like that.
    so I definitely understand the point of this thread. It's very sad to see others congratulating people for under eating and I can't support that either. I think you did the right thing by messaging her before deleting . At least she will know how you feel and hopefully she'll take a long hard look at her eating habits and try to make a change.
  • _SantaClause
    _SantaClause Posts: 335 Member
    I think a PM to the person would have sufficed in this instance.

    This is why my diary is closed and I NEVER look at my friend's diaries. I am an adult and I balance my calories on a weekly basis. One day might be a little under, one a little over. I don't want feedback or someone critiquing my choices. In turn, my friends are all adults and I don't have time to police them all. Nor do I want to.

    This is just for another perspective. I think we make MFP what we want/need it to be.

    I checked for this because sometimes if i know i am going to have a big event I will do my cals weekly instead of daily, so some days I may just consume 500 cal a few days in a row then you see me eat 3000-4000 cals on a given day of garbage party food becuase I planned a weekly approach to the event and not a daily one so I get what you are saying.

    In her case it went back for weeks, her goal was 750 a day and most days she barely hit 500 cals........ and normally when people calorie cycle they post about it so others dont get freaked out by their food diaries.... at least I do.... I warn people via status updates to not be alarmed by my VLC intake for a few days if I am gearing up for a big event where I know food will be eaten...

    So I get the idea of tracking differently, also people have bad days, they forget to log or even get busy and undereat mistakenly.... I get all that.... sadly this wasnt the case.

    Gossiping is fun!
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
    So, you couldn't just delete her and go away? You had to not only PM her, but you then started a thread to show how good you are and bad she is? Classy.
  • Galatea_Stone
    Galatea_Stone Posts: 2,037 Member
    She's better off not having you as a friend if all you can think about is yourself and your own demons and not give much thought to hers. You're doing her a favor, really.
  • MelsAuntie
    MelsAuntie Posts: 2,833 Member
    I'm surprised you would even know what she has been eating....why were you looking at her food diary?

    why wouldn't you look at someones diary?






    That question astounds me. I don't look at other people's diaries because a. it's none of my business what they eat or don't eat, b. it has no relevance to my life, and c. who has time? And who cares?
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
    Had to do that a couple of months ago. The person in question was also complaining about how she had no energy and had a pic of her laying down with emphasis on her ribcage. She was a mom too! I would ask her why she was surprised that she had no energy when she was starving herself. I also would ask her why she was depriving her child of a healthy parent. I got ignored, so I got fed up and deleted her. She was starting to trigger me as well, so I did it for my own health. I do hope she gets help. EDs hurt not just you, but your loved ones as well.
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  • salembambi
    salembambi Posts: 5,585 Member
    i always delete people i see eating 1200 or less

    too triggering for me and i aint having that *kitten*
  • 1stplace4health
    1stplace4health Posts: 523 Member
    I have had to hide their threads on my message board. They trigger me. They strive to be malnourished & underweight. That's not my goal. Although I don't deny friend requests, I will not support an unhealthy lifestyle. You're not alone.
  • gypsy_spirit
    gypsy_spirit Posts: 2,107 Member
    I understand the need to not have people on your friend's list that might trigger things in you.

    Your comments of "two sticks with no muscle tone" and " her legs were super skinny, like not a thigh gap, more of a thigh absence" are hurtful and in no way productive to any part of this conversation.
  • 1stplace4health
    1stplace4health Posts: 523 Member
    I'm surprised you would even know what she has been eating....why were you looking at her food diary?

    why wouldn't you look at someones diary?

    I care. It isn't just about receiving support you have to give it too. That's what it's truly means to be a MFP.






    That question astounds me. I don't look at other people's diaries because a. it's none of my business what they eat or don't eat, b. it has no relevance to my life, and c. who has time? And who cares?

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