Binge eating

don't know how to explain this. It's so hard to put into words what the last 2 months have been like. It all started when we went to mamaws at the end of summer. I had never cheated on my diet, 1200 calories a day, walking almost every day. I had lost 25 lbs. I went to mamaws, figuring that It wouldn't be easy, but not impossible to stay on my diet, well with all the rich homeade meals and sweets. I did really good that first day. But that night. That night I wish I could take back, wish I would of just gone to bed. I honestly can't remember all that I ate. At first it was just a couple of grapes, and then it was some more. And then a cookie. Then another, and another. I probably consumed at least 10. Then I ate ice cream. Some homeade mac and cheese too. When I was finished, I went to bed. The next morning was even more putrid than that night. The guilt. The guilt was like a thick wool blanket that I couldn't take off. I felt ashamed, disgusted that food could take control of me that way. At that time I viewed it as a minor setback. Just restarted my diet for that day. But that night, I'll saw myself at the cookies. And the ice cream. The cycle continued for the whole 3 days we were there. The morning we left, I vowed that I would be committed to my diet. But for the next month, I flipped flopped. I would be on my diet for a couple of days, then binge. That's the cycle I'm in right now. In between all that time I've tried to make myself throw up 3 times, and went through 1 box of laxatives, which resulted in a accident at walmart, and cut myself with a razor 3 times. I have had suicide thoughts multiple times. I'm not taking laxatives anymore. I haven't made myself throw up. But I still binge. I have taken cake out of the trash. I have eaten 1/2 bag of m&ms in one sitting. I have ordered milkshakes and ice cream cones multiple times secretly from drive thrus. When I am on my diet, I feel so happy. Feeling of pride and self esteem. But one thing. One "trigger". It could be something big, like flunking a test or damaging my car. Or it could be really simple, minuscule In fact. I could be happy one morning, and then drop down to a deep low. I resort to food as a comfort. I can't even tell you the last time I actually felt hungry. Can anyone relate?