Trying to lose & living with someone who's trying to gain?

numinousnymph
numinousnymph Posts: 249 Member
in Motivation and Support
So, I live with my partner, and he's thin, bordering on underweight. He's 6' and 142 lbs. He doesn't always eat enough, and when he does it's mostly raw fruits and vegetables (we both are vegan and are always highly stocked on those items, and we don't purchase much else), so he doesn't always get enough calories. He does have an affinity for peanut butter and will eat probably 1/3 of a jar every two days (though this is a considerable amount of calories, he doesn't gain weight due to his lower-calorie eating throughout the day). I'd say on a normal day he'll eat around 1,800 - 2,200 calories. On a day he doesn't eat much (when he's feeling sick, or depressed, which he struggles with often) he'll probably eat like 1,200 calories. He knows he needs to gain weight, so he tries sometimes, and will bring home things like ice cream, cookies, large bars of chocolate, burritos or 4 or 5 tacos from the taco truck down the street, as well as eating peanut butter, avocado, nuts, and cooks with coconut oil. He'll also usually get high-calorie options when we go out such as fries, curry, burgers, pizza, etc.

My problem is -- I tend to feel resentful that he can eat all of this stuff willy-nilly. Doesn't have to carefully measure peanut butter down to the half-tablespoon, doesn't have to count how many nuts he eats, doesn't have to care that he ate a whole cup and a half of guacamole with big handfulls of tortilla chips, doesn't have to worry about the calories in a large mango or eating a certain number of squares of chocolate. I have been an emotional binge eater since late childhood, and in my late teens developed bulimia (recovered now though I still have urges at times). It's so hard for me to see someone basically do the OPPOSITE of what I'm at times struggling to do, as well as have some of that food in the house. I don't think he's ever even had the desire to binge on any food, and I envy him so badly for that. It makes me feel a little bit ashamed, even, that I have that desire and lack of control and that's why I became overweight. The fact that he's thin AND gets to eat so much is so unfair to me. I know this is *my* problem and perhaps I sound whiny. But sometimes, it just gets so hard for me.

Can anyone else sympathize, or at least have any advice how to handle this better?

Replies

  • steveyinasia
    steveyinasia Posts: 121 Member
    No that my story is remotely the same, my partner can eat just about anything(and she does eat more than me in a day) however I am controlling my intake and exercising like a madman every day, managing to lose a bit over the past 45 days.
    All I can say is for you to concentrate on your world and not let the outside influences take you off course. From the looks of your indicator your are doing great so just keep that going. His body and metabolism will never be yours.
  • RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle
    RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle Posts: 1,349 Member
    My partner is 6'4" and slim. If I ate like he does, I'd maintain or lose. The word that stood out for me in your post is "resent". I have never resented my partner, but in other situations, if I feel any emotion close to resentment, I check myself. I think you are really meaning that you are jealous. Jealousy is a self-harming emotion. If you meant resentment, then I'm even more concerned. Resentment usually usually involves doing something for someone without truely being altruistic. Anything I do for another human being has to come from my heart and done "just because". As soon as I feel resentful it means that I am giving selfishly, and expecting something in return, which is an oxymoron.

    In my relationship, I do what I do and he does what he does. I think that in the most successful relationships, one can be close and intimate, and at the same time, if you want change, focus that change more on yourself than on your partner.
  • Iljkmittaa
    Iljkmittaa Posts: 20 Member
    For the short term: just try not to be around him when he eats. Don't talk about food, make him wash his own dishes so that you won't have to fret over what food he might have put in them etc. But really try to cut off any sort of jealousy from your mind. You will be more at peace with yourself and others. Maybe when people are truly at peace, compulsions such as binge eating don't appear all that much.

    For the long term and on a less personal note, try weight lifting. From what I understand, normal weight and not over-muscular women that lift, eat an average of 3000-4000 calories per day. So its all about fueling your body and using that fuel properly. I just started weight lifting and eat about 2200-2500 calories per day. I really look forward to boosting my metabolism to more than 3000 calories soon.

    Hope that helps. Best wishes on your journey.
  • FaylinaMeir
    FaylinaMeir Posts: 661 Member
    sounds kinda like my situation actually, although I'm no longer a vegan. My husband 6'2 weighs 160ish pounds. He's skinny EXCEPT in his tummy area where he can't see to lose the fat. This man could eat anything and lose weight and it straight pisses me off on a good day. He knows it bugs me sometimes but it's very supportive of me and he has faith I'll be down 20 more pounds by Xmas... bless his heart LOL :laugh:.
    He makes me really angry sometimes though because he'll just not eat breakfast because he forgot to prepare it the night before or he'll not take a lunch to work because we didn't have any leftovers. He's got a BIG fear of cooking for himself, it's not just laziness but a weird phobia/lack of confidence. It seems like I'm yelling at him like his mom to eat sometimes or he'll take just beans and rice to work to eat. I don't want him to get deficiencies so I'm trying to make him take at least A fruit or veggie in his lunch. Sometimes I wonder if he's stupid and just doesn't get it, of course I'm just venting.

    I try to eat veggies every dinner and sometimes for lunch and breakfast, I'm not a huge fan of fruit because It's on the sweet side for me. I get good protein, limit fats somewhat and do good on calories. I have issues losing weight. Meh... :noway: frustrating!

    When I was a child my family was split into two "parties" one though I ate too much, one thought I ate too little and due to stress and other factors I developed anorexia which turned into bulimia. Because I was never actually too skinny I never received help for it (although thankfully I have "cured" and I say that lightly, myself over the years and it's frustrating at times) when my mom ended up doing more bad things and I lived with my great grandma I was pretty well force fed and the typical "eat everything on your plate" mentality. Well it I lost my gag reflex from vomiting up my lunch and stuff in school and soon bulimia turned into binge eating.

    I've spent most of my adult life trying to understand all the normal body signals some take for granted like the sensation of being full or knowing how to eat healthy. I went from no veggies to most veggies these days and fruits. I eat healthy, I understand calories, I get light exercise. It's a chore but thankfully it's second nature. What I'm saying is, keep your head up. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

    I look at my husband everyday with a jealous face and a bit of hate in the back of my mind because I just can't shed weight like he can (he's lost about 60 pounds over the last 10 years with no saggy skin) but I have to remember that 1: he's a man and they tend to lose weight much faster than we do and 2: his metabolism is higher than mine because he can jog 5 miles and I can only jog about 50 feet due to a spinal issue.

    Edit: I read over this and I sound like a psycho: don't take it the wrong way . I don't call him stupid, I'm just venting. I don't treat him poorly or whatever because I'm jealous of his size :laugh: . I think it's probably good to be a little jealous of your spouse, it's a sign of admiring. I dunno I'm just strange.
  • GertrudeHorse
    GertrudeHorse Posts: 646 Member
    Life will be very difficult if you compare yourself to other people like this. Different people have different needs (in all respects) so nothing productive can be gained from these sorts of comparisons. It's good you acknowledge your feelings though because then its easier to challenge them. Good luck!

    ETA: It might help to remember that some things you find easy in life will be stuff he struggles with. It all balances out in the end.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    Life will be very difficult if you compare yourself to other people like this. Different people have different needs (in all respects) so nothing productive can be gained from these sorts of comparisons. It's good you acknowledge your feelings though because then its easier to challenge them. Good luck!

    ETA: It might help to remember that some things you find easy in life will be stuff he struggles with. It all balances out in the end.

    all of this...

    my husband is trying to gain while i am trying to lose, and yes, sometimes it is annoying when he is stuffing his face and i am having a hungry day and have run out of calories, but i try not to let it bother me as my goals are usually more important than cake!
  • RockstarWilson
    RockstarWilson Posts: 836 Member
    Never been in that situation, but if he is technically underweight, then he shouldn't care what he is eating, as long as he is getting his protein. I am not sure how he does this on a vegan diet (never saw a bulky vegan....just sayin)....but you can't resent him for it, you just have to understand it and move on. If you bring resentment into it, then it is serious, because then you will learn to loathe him, and that will destroy your relationship. I am not a relationship expert by any means, but you are not the first woman to come on here and complain about her partner's eating habits this morning. Message is the same, though. You got to understand it, and get over it.

    For the record, my girlfriend and I do not live together, but we eat completely different things. I am a heavy meat and dairy eater, and she can't handle meat too much. Our tastes are different and will often eat at different times than each other. Never been a problem. And when she wanted to switch diets when I was eating willy nilly, she never gave in because she has a lot of will power (kung-fu teaches self-control).

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