Fiance that isn't being supportive.
xoAnnettexo
Posts: 160
Don't get me wrong...I LOVE my fiance. But right now I'm trying to focus on becoming a better, healthier version of myself and he isn't helping. Not when he brings home pizza, cookies, chips, etc. Especially knowing how tempting they are. I've been trying but when he's pushing me to "oh just have a bite!" it's not making it any easier on me. I've been really trying to be good. And for the most part I've been under my calorie goal. He's supposed to be making this lifestyle change with me before our wedding. I just keep losing my motivation when he's not motivated. How do y'all handle staying motivated when your around people that aren't supportive and aren't helping to keep you on track?
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Replies
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Don't get me wrong...I LOVE my fiance. But right now I'm trying to focus on becoming a better, healthier version of myself and he isn't helping. Not when he brings home pizza, cookies, chips, etc. Especially knowing how tempting they are. I've been trying but when he's pushing me to "oh just have a bite!" it's not making it any easier on me. I've been really trying to be good. And for the most part I've been under my calorie goal. He's supposed to be making this lifestyle change with me before our wedding. I just keep losing my motivation when he's not motivated . How do y'all handle staying motivated when your around people that aren't supportive and aren't helping to keep you on track?
That right there is the problem.
This is journey you have to do for you, not for him or anyone else. You can't rely on anyone else to keep you on track - it's 100% your responsibility. Not everyone is going to be supportive of you, you have to draw that from within.
Find foods you love that fit into your macros. Let yourself have a slice of pizza, or a cookie, if it fits your macros.
Find exercise you love.
Build a lifestyle you love for you and only you. If he wants to join, great. If not, you can't force him. Keep doing you.0 -
You don't need to be motivated, you need to be disciplined. You say you're staying under your calorie goal for the most part, so it sounds like you're doing well!0
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I'd recommend telling him what you just told us...
But really, its just a bit of an adjustment to switching from dieting with a partner to doing it alone. You'll get used to it and you'll find your motivation will wane less.0 -
Don't get me wrong...I LOVE my fiance. But right now I'm trying to focus on becoming a better, healthier version of myself and he isn't helping. Not when he brings home pizza, cookies, chips, etc. Especially knowing how tempting they are. I've been trying but when he's pushing me to "oh just have a bite!" it's not making it any easier on me. I've been really trying to be good. And for the most part I've been under my calorie goal. He's supposed to be making this lifestyle change with me before our wedding. I just keep losing my motivation when he's not motivated . How do y'all handle staying motivated when your around people that aren't supportive and aren't helping to keep you on track?
That right there is the problem.
This is journey you have to do for you, not for him or anyone else. You can't rely on anyone else to keep you on track - it's 100% your responsibility. Not everyone is going to be supportive of you, you have to draw that from within.
Find foods you love that fit into your macros. Let yourself have a slice of pizza, or a cookie, if it fits your macros.
Find exercise you love.
Build a lifestyle you love for you and only you. If he wants to join, great. If not, you can't force him. Keep doing you.
all of this...0 -
This motivation has to be within you ...this is your goal not necessarily your fiancé. We are all surrounded by temptations and you need to find a way to resist. My bf was the same way, I used to simply say No thanks. After a while, literally after month and half probably ..he got it and actually started to adopt my lifestyle with respect to eating habits. Lead by example and even if he doesn't get it ... well there is little you can do about it. Focus on yourself.
Of course I still accommodate for pizza, Chinese and desserts but it's not as frequent as before.0 -
You're not a child. You should not need people to hold your hand and walk you through a life change. You should not need cheerleaders signing songs and doing a dance so you can be "motivated" to make the correct choices for yourself. He cannot make your choices. You cannot make his choices.
People are growing up being entirely too dependent on cheerleading squads and trophies to be able to do anything hard.
As long as you stay within your calories you can eat whatever. So make a little room for some cookies or whatever if you want them.0 -
You're going to get a lot of people who are going to very vehemently say that you and only you are in control of what you put in your mouth; that the problem isn't him tempting you, it's you being unable to resist temptation. And that is all true.
Still, I couldn't be around smokers when I was quitting smoking. It took everything I had not to go the store and buy a pack of cigarettes when I was craving one, having to stay strong while someone else smoked was excruciatingly hard. My husband quit about a year after I did, and during my quitting he supported me by making sure not to light up around me. I could still smell it on his clothes and that itself was a hard, but at least he didn't whip one out in front of me.
So, I sympathize. It is true that you can't change his behavior, you can only change yours. The question isn't, "How do I get him to change?", it's "How do I resist temptation?" And the answer is that you're simply going to have to be stronger than if he weren't tempting you. Or you could leave the room or even the house if you feel yourself caving. Go do something fun or run an errand or take a walk or something. If you start leaving every time he breaks out the junk food, you and he are going to end up talking about it. He might be well-meaning but misunderstanding how to best support you, but as long as you eat and seem to enjoy what he brings home, he's not going to do anything differently. He might not even do anything differently even if you stop partaking of his treats. As much as it sucks that he is making things harder on you than they would otherwise be, you have to step up and step away, I'm afraid.
Good luck. I'm sorry you're having obstacles thrown in your path, but if you want to move forward, you're just going to have to climb over them and work your way around them. The good news is, it's very likely that once you do that for a little while, he'll realize you're serious and stop. He might even join you. But no matter what he does or doesn't do, you've got to stay strong to succeed.0 -
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I fully understand and I'm with the others on this. I've been married for 21 years to a man who doesn't work out and couldn't care less about his overall health or what he eats. He's not the reason I strive to be active and eat healthier foods. I do it for myself; it's my health and there's nothing anyone can do to look after it except me. If I was to wait for my husband to go with me for a walk, kayaking, swimming, bike ride, etc., I'd never get to do any of it.
You see a lot of this in fitness shows like Biggest Loser or Extreme Weight Loss. The support at home isn't always there but you can't use it as an excuse or accuse others of sabotaging your health. You alone are responsible for what you eat and whether you stay active or not.0 -
My husband isn't very supportive of my lifestyle change but I am responsible for me. He isn't changing his lifestyle so he brings in pizza, ice cream, chips, little debbie cakes but I control what I eat and how much. It isn't motivation you need it's discipline.
good luck!0 -
I feel your pain. Interesting how the ones we love can be our biggest stumbling blocks. My wife can't understand why I "have" to go to the gym so much (1 hour a day/ 5 days a week for circuit training) or why I started seeing a nutritionist. Some things you just have to do for you. If our friends or family can't be supportive of our healthy lifestyle.... well that's on them. You have to do this for you. Hopefully he will jump on board when he sees your killer results.
Stay true to you and your fitness goals
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He's supposed to be making this lifestyle change with me before our wedding. I just keep losing my motivation when he's not motivated. How do y'all handle staying motivated when your around people that aren't supportive and aren't helping to keep you on track?
I dealt with this problem for so long with my fiance, too. Ultimately, I had to be firm with him. Of course this is your journey, but when you have 2 people sharing meals, sharing activities, and sharing time...it's important that both parties be on the same page, at least a little bit. He shouldn't have to follow your way of eating 100%, but if he loves you and wants to support you, then he should be willing to make some changes to help you. It's one thing if he wants to eat pizza on his own, or even bring home just a slice or two for himself, but to bring home pizza with the intention of tempting you and then egging your on when you refuse is just bad news bears. It sounds like he's 1) used to they way things have always been and 2) he's probably a little insecure about you losing weight. Is he overweight? It turned out me trying to lose weight only shed more light on the fact that my boyfriend needed to lose weight, which he wasn't ready to face yet.
My boyfriend and I repeatedly talk about why i want to lose weight and how I'm doing with it...he knows about me being picked on in the past, my binge eating,how my weight makes me self conscious.It's embarassing to talk about those things in incredible detail, but I honestly think it's what got him more on board. He realized it wasn't just a vanity thing, but it was for my physical and mental health.
I also sat down and told him how many calories I'm supposed to eat a day vs what he would be allowed to eat. I broke down how many calories are in a slice of pizza or a cookie. When he realized that would be like 10% (or more) of my calories, he was shocked. I think we sometimes assume that everyone understands how weight loss/nutrition works. Or when we say "lifestyle change" that they understand what that really involves. I also demonstrated through my actions that I was serious about it, which led him to support me more because he understood this wasn't just a fleeting thing, but a real commitment I was trying to make. I made such a strong case that eventually, my boyfriend decided he wanted to lose weight. He also came with me to a couple of my therapy sessions so we could communicate and come up with a plan that worked for both of us. Now it's a daily conversation. We still eat pizza, but only on days when it is doable for both of us. It's made us closer in a lot of ways and really improved our communication overall.0 -
I understand what you are saying. It's the temptation. You are trying to make a change for the better and you feel like your fiancé is sabotaging your effort. That is very frustrating. If I were you, I would ask myself what my motivation was for making these changes. Are you trying to make a change to get healthier? Do you want to eat healthier foods? Or do you want to lose weight? If your motivation is to lose weight it is possible to do that by keeping your intake lower than your expenditure. (Barring medical complications). You can keep eating these foods as long as they are within your daily goals.
If you are trying to eat healthier because you believe it is better for your body and you are finding the temptation difficult to deal with, try talking to your fiancé when the food isn't there. Tell him how difficult you find it to make these changes and how much you need his support. His choice of whether or not to change has nothing to do with yours, it's just easier when you work as a team. Was this your idea or his? Maybe he isn't ready to make changes yet. You can't force it.
My husband and son still eat all of the foods I am not allowed to eat (for medical reasons). I exercise and count calories etc. on my own because I needed to make changes and I was ready. It's not up to anyone else to do this for you or with you. When it comes down to it, it's your body and your health. I know it's frustrating, but just say, "no thanks". Stick to your guns, I bet he stops.0 -
The 'just have a bite' thing doesn't work for me. If I get to taste something I end up eating the whole thing. A person pushing me all the time to have a taste would certainly ruin my diet. Try talking to him, maybe he'll understand.0
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I am fortunate that my husband is very supportive and in fact is quite a bit more health-conscious than I am. my cousin's husband is the exact opposite and is responsible for cooking their family meals and makes things that are far from what her dr recommends for her diabetes control. I see her battle this all the time and it's very sad. yes, you do have personal responsibility, but in my opinion, there is a deeper issue for someone to not support you. if he brings home pizza, he can eat it without offering any to you. I just think it's mean. even if he seems to be joking around. maybe he is insecure and he is worried about you getting really fit and being "too good for him" after the wedding? maybe he is nervous about the wedding? I think talking to him and getting him to understand that you do NOT want to eat that way and you are making a stand. I would be beyond p*ssed if my husband had pizza in my house right now while i'm trying to lose 29 lbs.0
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Don't get me wrong...I LOVE my fiance. But right now I'm trying to focus on becoming a better, healthier version of myself and he isn't helping. Not when he brings home pizza, cookies, chips, etc. Especially knowing how tempting they are. I've been trying but when he's pushing me to "oh just have a bite!" it's not making it any easier on me. I've been really trying to be good. And for the most part I've been under my calorie goal. He's supposed to be making this lifestyle change with me before our wedding. I just keep losing my motivation when he's not motivated . How do y'all handle staying motivated when your around people that aren't supportive and aren't helping to keep you on track?
That right there is the problem.
This is journey you have to do for you, not for him or anyone else. You can't rely on anyone else to keep you on track - it's 100% your responsibility. Not everyone is going to be supportive of you, you have to draw that from within.
Find foods you love that fit into your macros. Let yourself have a slice of pizza, or a cookie, if it fits your macros.
Find exercise you love.
Build a lifestyle you love for you and only you. If he wants to join, great. If not, you can't force him. Keep doing you.
I support this. From a guy's perspective, you agreed to marry him knowing he loves to eat what he loves to eat. If it becomes a financial issue, that is something totally different, but if you are making salads and stuff all the time (I don't know, I am just using extremes), he won't want to participate. He may also have different dietary interests, where he eats a lot more than you and is supposed to.
You have to find a way to get over it, and realize that this is him. Either you can control the urges or you cant, but don't punish him for it at any time, because if it comes to that, you lost your love for him and shouldn't marry him. Just because one partner wants to work out and eat healthy doesn't mean the other one does. I think it is fair that he know what you are doing, so he can be less suggestive about foods you don't want to eat. If you cant talk to him about it, what are you getting married for?
How do you not give in to the temptation of a pizza? It is the same way you don't buy cookies when you pass the bakery: will power and knowledge. You know that the cookies are chock full of carbs AND fat, and that is bad for diet. Well, consider the pizza the trifecta: it has high carbs(crust), high fat (cheese and meat) and very little protein from the meat and cheese. I personally cannot have that junk because I am on a ketogenic diet, so too much pizza would obliterate my diet. Whenever I get tempted, I just remember that I could get kicked out of ketosis, and I don't like the induction phase to get back into it. Train your brain to get over it. If you can do that, you are pretty much home free, because where most people fail is in the kitchen. Sad but true. Will power is key.
btw...research "ketogenic diet." It may be a diet he can do that will parallel yours, but it is a strict diet and required a lot of effort on his part. It is controversial right now, and it definitely is not for everyone, but it would allow him to eat all the bacon he wants for his health! .....let that sink in for a minute. Eat all the bacon he wants for his health (along with other stuff under his calorie goal). Keto diets are kind of "the man's diet" as it often involves a ton of meat and dairy, and the main calorie macro is fat. Like I said, it is not for everyone, but it is a well researched, well established, and medically relevant diet that can provide health benefits and heavy weight loss for certain people. It may (pardon the pun) be a way for you and him to have your cake and eat it too!0 -
I'm having such a rough week right now, and I totally get you. With my friends and family, we're eating out all the time and everyone tells me to order whatever I want. My boyfriend and I went out to dinner last night and he ordered a delicious, cheesy monstrosity. I did my best to order something lower on calories (still not super low) but also tasty. On the way home he wanted to get a Slurpee, and then decided I needed one too so he didn't feel guilty having one in front of me. He actually said that. I literally had to fight with him at 7Eleven to NOT get me one. He had the cup out and everything. And then kept trying to get me to go to my favorite bakery because he knew I wanted something from there (but I didn't want to go because I'm trying to stay within my calories).
So the answer is willpower. And being firm. You can't help what they buy for themselves, but you can influence what they buy for you by being firm or not always eating it if you don't want it, and you can make direct decisions about what you DO eat. If you really want it, have some. But try to stay within your calories, make sure he knows just how important it is to you, and keep reminding yourself, too.0 -
btw...research "ketogenic diet." It may be a diet he can do that will parallel yours, but it is a strict diet and required a lot of effort on his part. It is controversial right now, and it definitely is not for everyone, but it would allow him to eat all the bacon he wants for his health! .....let that sink in for a minute. Eat all the bacon he wants for his health (along with other stuff under his calorie goal). Keto diets are kind of "the man's diet" as it often involves a ton of meat and dairy, and the main calorie macro is fat. Like I said, it is not for everyone, but it is a well researched, well established, and medically relevant diet that can provide health benefits and heavy weight loss for certain people. It may (pardon the pun) be a way for you and him to have your cake and eat it too!
^^
my husband is on this diet and is doing very well. is very healthy, and has lost about 20 lbs.
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I'm in the same exact boat as you are. Even though my Fiancee says she wants to see me be successful in getting fit, the second day I started eating better and tracking my food, she comes home with Reese's cups, Mountain Dew, Pizza, and chips n' dip. It was like "really"? She doesn't live a particularly healthy lifestyle which really bothers me, but she's the kind of gal that can eat anything and not lose weight. It's frustrating. However I know that no matter what temptation comes my way. It's still no excuse to give in. Maybe ask him to have a "stash" that only he knows about and you can't find. Also ask him politely to not eat/drink that stuff in front of you. Congrats on getting married. Best wishes.0
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Don't get me wrong...I LOVE my fiance. But right now I'm trying to focus on becoming a better, healthier version of myself and he isn't helping. Not when he brings home pizza, cookies, chips, etc. Especially knowing how tempting they are. I've been trying but when he's pushing me to "oh just have a bite!" it's not making it any easier on me. I've been really trying to be good. And for the most part I've been under my calorie goal. He's supposed to be making this lifestyle change with me before our wedding. I just keep losing my motivation when he's not motivated . How do y'all handle staying motivated when your around people that aren't supportive and aren't helping to keep you on track?
That right there is the problem.
This is journey you have to do for you, not for him or anyone else. You can't rely on anyone else to keep you on track - it's 100% your responsibility. Not everyone is going to be supportive of you, you have to draw that from within.
Find foods you love that fit into your macros. Let yourself have a slice of pizza, or a cookie, if it fits your macros.
Find exercise you love.
Build a lifestyle you love for you and only you. If he wants to join, great. If not, you can't force him. Keep doing you.
This ^^^^^0 -
I second the notion that he may be quietly sabotaging your efforts because he doesn't want you to change.
I would sit him down and tell him what you feel about his actions. I would ask him how he thinks you two can work together towards your goal while not changing his dietary habits. If he doesn't buy in to this, then I would seriously put off any wedding. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and if he is not supportive of you now, it isn't going to get better with a wedding band. Additionally, those who change their lives and get fit usually change enough that the non-fit folks seem to fade out of their lives....and that may just include him. It doesn't change the fact that you love him, it just changes the fact that you love yourself.
I pray for the best and that he gets on board!0 -
. I just keep losing my motivation when he's not motivated . How do y'all handle staying motivated when your around people that aren't supportive and aren't helping to keep you on track?
That right there is the problem.
This is journey you have to do for you, not for him or anyone else. You can't rely on anyone else to keep you on track - it's 100% your responsibility. Not everyone is going to be supportive of you, you have to draw that from within.
Find foods you love that fit into your macros. Let yourself have a slice of pizza, or a cookie, if it fits your macros.
Find exercise you love.
Build a lifestyle you love for you and only you. If he wants to join, great. If not, you can't force him. Keep doing you.
TRUTH.You don't need to be motivated, you need to be disciplined. You say you're staying under your calorie goal for the most part, so it sounds like you're doing well!
and also this.
discipline keeps you on track when motivation fails- and do not kid yourself- it is not if it fails it's WHEN. Motivation is never going to get you half the distance- even a quarter of where you want to go. Motivation is the thing that helps you make decisions to change- discipline actually HELPS YOU GET THERE.0 -
he should be supporting you, not enabling you.0
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I know it can be tempting to eat junk when others are eating it around you. Last night my fiancé scarfed 1/2 a medium pizza beside me while I waited for my healthy dinner to cook. I can't fault him for it, I want him to eat what he wants to eat. Because of our different genetics and daily activity levels we both have different calorie needs and I can't force him to only eat things that fit into my dietary needs, the poor man would lose his mind. He used to offer me bites because he felt guilty eating in front of me but I told him to stop offering, eat guilt free, and if I want some of what he's having I will ask him for a bite. For my own health it is important that I don't eat a lot of the things that he eats and we both respect that. Make sure that you are eating something healthy when you are hungry and it may help with the temptation. I was ravenous at the smell of pizza last night but my dinner of baked chicken, 1/2 sweet potatoe, 1/2 cup brown rice, and veggies left me fully satisfied and really proud that I didn't give in to the siren song of the pizza....0
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