Pressure to lose weight

forty5percent · January 2011

My boyfriend and I are both overweight. We are also in love, have been together almost 2 years, and are planning to get married. Adam (my boyfriend, 6'3"/240ish?) has purchased a ring (!!!) and is planning to talk to my father to receive his blessing on our marriage before he proposes.

Problem: Dad wants us to get our health in check before we get married.

Sounds fine, right? Of course we should embark on this journey into a new chapter of our lives without excess baggage, be it emotional or physical. So Adam and I (5'5"/170) have both been improving our eating habits, incorporating regular exercise into our lifestyle, and have joined MFP to stay accountable.

Throughout my life my parents have put pressure on me to lose weight. They have lectured that the world judges people by what they see, not who they are, and as long as I am overweight I will face unnecessary obstacles that would otherwise be avoided by having a trim figure. To them, life is limited by this physical appearance, which communicates to the world one's work ethic, cleanliness, hygiene, dedication, ambition. Weight is not simply a number, belt size, or how you look in a bikini. It reflects the essence of you.

When I was 18, I developed an eating disorder. I am not blaming my parents for it, but life got a lot easier on me when I was thin. I felt better about myself; people treated me better; I loved shopping and felt like I looked great in everything I wore. But then, I got too thin. I starved myself down to 110 pounds (tiny, if you consider my frame, which allows me to wear a loose size 6 at 145 pounds). I was skin and bones, and my family intervened. As I began to develop a healthier relationship with food, I naturally gained weight and was doing well. Recent life changes (getting my first job out of college and sitting a desk 55 hours a week in an often stressful work environment) has caused exercise to slip and weight gain to win.

So here I am, with the love of my life, facing the threat of losing my dad's blessing on our marriage if I (we) don't lose the weight. Everything just wants to make me go back to where I've been--600-800 cals a day, twice-a-day weigh ins, constant obsession--because I know it will work.

I know it's not the answer. It won't make Adam lose his weight, anyway, even if I did go to extreme measures. I guess I'm just looking for advice. How have you handled family pressure to lose weight? Are my parents justified? Are they just looking out for my best interests? Do we do this one thing for my parents, knowing that it is so important to them?

BuceesNana · January 2011

You have to do this for you, not for anyone else. It took me a long time to realize this and then get to a place where I could do it for myself. Try to focus on your relationship with Adam and on your relationship with yourself. Family pressures need to pitched out the window. I know...easier said than done. Keep your eye on the prize...your happiness. Not your parents' or anyone else's. Feel free to add me. Hope things work out.

leslielove · January 2011

I wouldn't even know where to begin with the familial issues, but I can tell you that when my boyfriend and I started dating, he and I were exactly the same size as you and Adam. I'm 5'3 so I carried the same weight on a shorter frame, but that's beside the point.

He just one day decided that he didn't want to be heavy anymore so we started working out and eating right together. He currently weighs between 175 and 185 depending on how much he wants to eat in a given day and while I backslid and am trying to work my way down to 137 again, I was there. Its very doable, especially when you have a built in partner. Sign up for a 5K, buy bikes, go for romantic walks on the beach, join a community rec league for basketball, volleyball, softball, etc., get a gym membership together. If you make it about being healthy for yourselves, you'll end up getting the weight off without feeling like you've been backed into a corner by your dad. Plus, activities like that tend to turn into hobbies or lead to other hobbies so its likelier that you'll keep up with it instead of turning to temporary measures that are more drastic and dangerous.

I hope that was in some way helpful, you're gorgeous and congrats on your almost engagement

leslielove · January 2011

I wouldn't even know where to begin with the familial issues, but I can tell you that when my boyfriend and I started dating, he and I were exactly the same size as you and Adam. I'm 5'3 so I carried the same weight on a shorter frame, but that's beside the point.

He just one day decided that he didn't want to be heavy anymore so we started working out and eating right together. He currently weighs between 175 and 185 depending on how much he wants to eat in a given day and while I backslid and am trying to work my way down to 137 again, I was there. Its very doable, especially when you have a built in partner. Sign up for a 5K, buy bikes, go for romantic walks on the beach, join a community rec league for basketball, volleyball, softball, etc., get a gym membership together. If you make it about being healthy for yourselves, you'll end up getting the weight off without feeling like you've been backed into a corner by your dad. Plus, activities like that tend to turn into hobbies or lead to other hobbies so its likelier that you'll keep up with it instead of turning to temporary measures that are more drastic and dangerous.

I hope that was in some way helpful, you're gorgeous and congrats on your almost engagement

okcowgirl · January 2011

WOW ... that's a story.

I understand your parents wanting you BOTH to be physically and emotionally in check. That doesn't mean overweight people aren't physically and emotionally in check.

Putting a "stipulation" on ya'll NOT getting married until you BOTH get your weight under control ... well ... that's just stupid. If your parents didn't love you for who you ARE (now) ... well ... then ... they aren't seeing YOU completely.

YES ... if you both lowered your weight ... that would be one LESS thing to worry about ... physical problems later on. But it's up to YA'LL to determine if you want to do that or not. You both love each other ... NOW ... and the way you look ... NOW.

Good Luck with the parents !!!! It's YOUR life !!!

melleyd · January 2011

Oh, I have to hold my tongue so I don't say anything offensive!!! If you are a loose size 6 at 145, what size are you at 170? It doesn't seem like you're that overweight to me, especially for your parents to withhold a blessing over your marriage!! I don't know if you are a Christian, but the Bible says that when you get married, you leave your mother and father and cleave to your spouse.

It is my opinion that if they are trying to control you over this matter before you're even married, it won't stop after you're married. I'm sure that your parents love you and think it's best and probably have no idea what they are doing, but this threat to withthold their blessing is nothing short of manipulative and controlling. You are 23 years old and it's time to realize that you live your life how you want to. If your parents approve, fine. If they disapprove, fine. I would advise that you stop letting them control your future!

Just my 4 cents. lol. I hope it was not too offensive.

kmill81385 · January 2011

My parents have never really pressured me into losing weight, per say, but they have often encouraged me down that route. Everytime I have listened to them, I have felt wonderful after few months. However, I have slipped off the bandwagon many times, and as a result have stayed around the same range that I have been at since college (5'4"/ 200 lbs). I am a larger framed person, and so I hide that weight well (people don't believe me whenever I tell them that I am over 200), but for all intents and purposes, I am considered "obese." I haven't let this slow me, however, and the truth is that people see me for me and for my character rather than for how big I look (and I have an AMAZING job, btw

). I am, however, in this for the long run, because I want to be healthy. I would suggest looking at what you are in this for. Time happens, and looks change drastically- let yourself be known for you and not for how trim you can be. It's your character that will make the lasting impact in the long run. Blessings on your upcoming engagement! Congratulations! And prayers for your dad's blessing in it! (You can add me as a friend as well if you'd like):happy:

chelamg12 · January 2011

Wow....I am somewhat speechless...you and your boyfriends weights don't seem to be that bad...of course there is always room for improvement. You guys need to do what you are doing...make small changes at a time. Eat healthier, incorporate exercise in your daily life. I would highly suggest visiting the Dr. for a yearly exam and have all your blood work done, that way you really know where you stand. This is a life style change you guys should make for yourselves...not your parents, or those people that may "judge" you. Loosing weight will make you happier as a couple because you will find more things to do together and will ultimately feel better. The best of luck on your journey and remember it is a LIFE TIME change...it doesn't happen over night.

kmill81385 · January 2011

sorry, for some reason this went through twice, and it won't let me delete this second post.

chelamg12 · January 2011

Wow....I am somewhat speechless...you and your boyfriends weights don't seem to be that bad...of course there is always room for improvement. You guys need to do what you are doing...make small changes at a time. Eat healthier, incorporate exercise in your daily life. I would highly suggest visiting the Dr. for a yearly exam and have all your blood work done, that way you really know where you stand. This is a life style change you guys should make for yourselves...not your parents, or those people that may "judge" you. Loosing weight will make you happier as a couple because you will find more things to do together and will ultimately feel better. The best of luck on your journey and remember it is a LIFE TIME change...it doesn't happen over night.

kerriBB37 · January 2011

This hurts my heart! I don't have a lot of time to comment as I'm just finishing up my lunch break, but I wanted to give you my support! I think that while your parents do have your best interests at heart, I think it's more important to have their love, unconditionally. That means, no matter what size shape or how you look in your professional clothes they should support you. If you're in a field that will judge your looks then maybe he feels you picked the wrong work. I work with mentally impaired adults, I don't think that they would care if I was 100, 200 or 300 lbs, just as long as I was kind to them. LOOKS ARE NOT EVERYTHING!

You are only 23! To me, I think your life is just beginning! If YOU want to pursue a healthier lifestyle then you should do it for YOU and no one else. You've been through eating issues in the past and you know how you are. It won't last if it's not what you want. I have been through a lot myself in my short 28 years and I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You need to do this for you. My grandparents and dad had occasionally made comments that STILL stick with me but they only pushed me short term to not eat and work out but after a couple days or weeks, I didn't do it anymore. I moved farther away from them and limited how much I saw them. After I got divorced I got the opportunity to sit down with a lot of my family and discuss stuff. My weight was brought up. I was not happy with a lot that was going on in my life and obviously food was an outlet. It took over a year but my parents finally realized that internal happiness is all that mattered to them (about me and how I felt about myself.) I met a guy (after a long gap of time) and he is 6'3" 275 and only in the past few months have the BOTH of decided that it's time to change and change for good. WE have one another to count on and motivate. We have different eating plans and gym routines but at the end of the day we have this common goal and I think we are both happier people because we are working on this together. SO with all that said, my advice would be to just talk to your fiance. Don't bother with others because in time they will see ( I HOPE!) Do what makes you happy. I'm looking forward to hearing how things are going with you

Kerri

kerriBB37 · January 2011

oops sorry about the repeat

kerriBB37 · January 2011

oops sorry about the repeat! my server was wierd

ajbeans · January 2011

Here's my take on the whole situation: I appreciate the gesture in asking for your dad's blessing, I really do. My now-husband asked my father as well. And you know what my dad said? He said no. He said we were too young to think about marriage, even though we weren't planning to get married until we were done with college. He didn't give his blessing. But we got engaged anyway. And my dad was ok with it, and he loves my husband as much as he would a son.

At this point in our culture, it's just a gesture to ask for a blessing. It doesn't actually mean anything. If you know he'll say no, skip it. Do what's right for you. It's not his decision. Lose weight if you need to in order to be HEALTHY, not for someone else who's trying to keep you from happiness.

paroxysm · January 2011

You need to see a nutritionist for help. You, with a past ED, shouldn't begin a diet without prof. help and guidance. Instead of counting calories (which can be a trigger to relapse), you should be using exchanges. A nutritionist can help you with that. The healthy weight loss will naturally follow without you having to do weighins and all that. You can even do 'blind' weigh in's at the nutritonist's office. You can still use MFP to track your exchanges-- Protein, Fiber, Carbohydrate/Sugar, as well as fruits/veggies but you need to be sure you can ignore the calories.
I hope you can take this advise to heart before you slip backwards.

I use MFP for maintenance of my weight and work with a nutritionist for weighing and help with meal plans. I am recovered/recovering from ED also.

dlaplume2 · January 2011

Oh, I have to hold my tongue so I don't say anything offensive!!! If you are a loose size 6 at 145, what size are you at 170? It doesn't seem like you're that overweight to me, especially for your parents to withhold a blessing over your marriage!! I don't know if you are a Christian, but the Bible says that when you get married, you leave your mother and father and cleave to your spouse.

It is my opinion that if they are trying to control you over this matter before you're even married, it won't stop after you're married. I'm sure that your parents love you and think it's best and probably have no idea what they are doing, but this threat to withthold their blessing is nothing short of manipulative and controlling. You are 23 years old and it's time to realize that you live your life how you want to. If your parents approve, fine. If they disapprove, fine. I would advise that you stop letting them control your future!

Just my 4 cents. lol. I hope it was not too offensive.

I was reading your blog and biting my tongue too. I think once it stops bleeding i'll be able to eat again.
IF your parents are that insensitive to say anything to you about your weight after surviving an eating disorder I would say they are the ones with the issue. I had a freind of mine who had anorexia and a heart attack at the age of 13. She survived but still strugged with eating because her sisters and parents would always make comments about her butt. You need live your life without thier blessing. It is thier issue with your weight not yours. I'm not saying don't eat healthy but you need to keep them in check and at a distance. If you don't do that now it will get way worse when you and your then husband have kids.

Best wishes and congratulaions on the engagement. I hope you have a wonderful life together.

amycal · January 2011

You need to do this for YOU - not your parents. Their attitude to you is pretty emotionally abusive IMHO. If it were me, I wouldn't worry about any blessing.

But even though your weight is not obscenely high, it is a little high and you could certainly be healthier. I would focus on eating GOOD food - maybe not worry so much about how much so you don't obsess but focus on lean protein, eggs, beans, lots of vegetables and fruits. Look for high protein subs such as Greek Yogurt for regular. Try to limit sugar too.

Then develop some fun active things you can do together - maybe find a charity run with a cause you can both support and train together, or go ice skating, skiing, swimming. Play tennis. There are exercises with medicine balls and resistance bands that work well with two people to do together - ie: tossing medicine ball back and forth while doing an abdominal crunch, and one person holds band for other to do chest press and/or row then switch.

If you start exercising you will feel more confident and better about your body. I am a little heavier than you at 5'6" but since I started working out in November I feel so much better even though I have only lost about 10 pounds.

But I try not to obsess on the scale - it is just a number and if you eat right and get more active, you will be treating yourself right. Also stress is a big obstacle to weight loss - it increases the production of cortisol which leads to belly fat the worst kind so try to avoid and relieve stress!

Beth720 · January 2011

It is my opinion that if they are trying to control you over this matter before you're even married, it won't stop after you're married. I'm sure that your parents love you and think it's best and probably have no idea what they are doing, but this threat to withthold their blessing is nothing short of manipulative and controlling. You are 23 years old and it's time to realize that you live your life how you want to. If your parents approve, fine. If they disapprove, fine. I would advise that you stop letting them control your future!

Just my 4 cents. lol. I hope it was not too offensive.

THIS!

I also agree with the "blessing" being a long-ago formality that people just keep doing because. As long as you're both of age, there is nothing they can do to stop you from getting married. Perhaps withhold money, but is the emotional blackmail really worth a huge shindig?

VictorianJade · January 2011

I'm a mouthy one. Bigtime. My dad was horrified that I chose a red wedding dress, my grandmother was horrified that it was outside, my family was horrified that I invited only 14 people to the wedding.

I told them that this was my day, with the man I loved. They could just sod off.

And your father needs to learn to love you just as you are. I have always been pressured to be thin. "You've got such a pretty face... it's the shame about the rest of you", was what I heard, growing up. But y'know what? I've been sick with eating disorders too. At 5'10, I was 115 and still called fat. It was terrible. Now, I am a binge-eater, which is also not healthy, so I'm finding balance... but I agree with those who said you need to do this for you.

Your wedding, your life, your love-of-your-life.

Overweight people DO have prejudices thrown at us. But I don't change who I am or what I do because of other people. As far as I'm concerned, a person who judges me on my weight is just as much a moron as someone who judges another based on skin colour, sexual orientation, etc. Human beings judge what they don't understand- they judge what they fear.

Do what you need to do for YOU, and no one else. If your dad chooses not to bless your union because of something as small (in the grand scheme) as a few lbs, then it is his shortcoming, and his loss.

Beth720 · January 2011

It is my opinion that if they are trying to control you over this matter before you're even married, it won't stop after you're married. I'm sure that your parents love you and think it's best and probably have no idea what they are doing, but this threat to withthold their blessing is nothing short of manipulative and controlling. You are 23 years old and it's time to realize that you live your life how you want to. If your parents approve, fine. If they disapprove, fine. I would advise that you stop letting them control your future!

Just my 4 cents. lol. I hope it was not too offensive.

THIS! It's emotional and psychological blackmail and an attempt to control. Once they see they can do it this time, they will continue to exert control over your life and marriage.

I also second the thoughts about it's a nice gesture to ask for a blessing, but that's all it is. A gesture. You are both of age, so there is no way they can forbid you to get married. Sure they could refuse to pay so the wedding may not be some big huge event, but would you want that knowing they have control over everything? Personally? I wouldn't. That could be just me though.

But I do think that letting people not in your couple-ship control you in any way is asking for trouble down the road.

noltes2 · January 2011

Wow, you guys are not even that big! You're 170 and 5'5" and he's 240? However, I experience the same issues with my parents - especially father. I'm 23, 5'6" and was 195 but now I am 162 and he wants me to be 110. He told me he thinks I need to be 110. RIGHT, unless I have an eating disorder and in which case it would be impossible to maintain longterm. He has ALWAYS critized my weight and told me it would make hiim happier then h*** if I lost weight. And my mom tells me my fiance needs to lose weight too and gets down on me about him (he's 6'1" and now like 235). My parents make sure to always comment on my lean brother right in front of me in hopes that my weight will go down.

But you know what? They don't understand that that will never motivate a child to lose weight. About 2 years ago my dad was really harsh on me and made me cry about my weight. For a few weeks I went gym crazy, but then I ended up GAINING weight because I was so depressed about it all. Now I distance myself from my parents and it's funny because they have both struggled with weight too you think they would understand. But they really want their only daughter to be model thin so they can show me off and be "proud" for once. And I was wrapped up in that for several years. But once I moved out I barely talk to them anymore because for my well being that's what I had to do. And ever since my confidence and motivation has gone up.

You CAN'T care about what they say, please distance yourself from them and do what YOU want to do. This has helped me tremendously. In some ways I still want to please them and one day halfway meet their ridiculous standards for me, but I try not to think about it. It's definitely not what's motivating me to lose this weight. In fact, when I think about my parents it throws me off track. I just stay focused on me and why I want to lose weight.

Even though it's hard and you want your parents acceptance and blessing, do what's best for you. Why do you have to lose weight before you get married, why can't you just do it when you are ready? As someone mentioned it sounds like they are hoping to control you up until the bitter end when they "lose" you to your husband. Good luck!

jmcniel · January 2011

Lose weight because you want to, not to have acceptance from your father or his blessing. If he says no, get married anyways.

If either me or my wife listened to our parents, we would not have been married for the last three years.

FearAnLoathing · January 2011

You can do it,dont worry about what anyones says.Be strong be healthy and we are all here for you!

lessertess · January 2011

Wow, there's a lot here to think about.

I don't think it's reasonable for your father to expect you and your boyfriend to lose weight before getting engaged or married unless you honestly have a concern that either of you is not emotionally equiped to handle a marriage because of the problems with your weight. I certainly would not advise that you put your life/happiness on hold until you've managed to conform to your father's (or anyone else's) expectations.Make sure your father understands that you are not asking for permission, only his support and love.

Yes, unfortunately I do think your father is right that society often judges us on our physical appearance. You can't argue that attractive and slender people tend to be more successful in their careers. That does NOT mean that overweight or obese people do not have, good careers, happy lives and happy marriages. In fact, you might be able to argue that the pressure to be attractive and slim has a greater negative impact on a marriage than obesity.

As for eating disorders. I think it was good of you to say that your eating disorder could not be blamed on your parents, but, in my opinion, they own at least a part of it by making you feel this pressure to be slender. This pressure does not seem to be aimed at your health but at your appearance. It sounds like your family has been very controlling. You're an adult now, you need to take control. That means stepping away from the pressure to look or live up to their expectations and to set your own expectations. To start with, I would not plan on dieting to lose weight. instead, you should set health goals.

One more thing......at 5'5" and 170 pounds you are only 20 pounds above the accepted weight range for your height. That is not enough for you to be subject to a perception that your appearance is unprofessional or sloppy. Depending on your build and body type you may not even need to lose weight. I'm 5'4" and at 170 I'm in a size 6 or an 8 and people call me "skinny". Talk to your doctor and make sure that whatever you are aiming for is healthy for you. Also, since you've had an eating disorder you should consult with your doctor or a nutritionist to make sure that you're on a healthy plan. I'd also advise regular check ups to make sure you are remaining healthy.

I wish you and your boyfriend the greatest happiness.

forty5percent · January 2011

WOW! You guys are all so terrific. Thank you for your support and encouragement. I definitely with the 'leave and cleave' advice in dealing with my family. As you can imagine, it's much easier said than done. I am grateful for a loving, supportive, and no-nonsense man like Adam.

As for relapsing from my previous ED, it is a constant struggle to maintain a healthy relationship with my body and food. I know it isn't the answer to go back to where I was, and the motivation I have felt from doing it the right way so far has beyond surpassed the pleasure in eating half of a Happy Meal per day. I'm sure we would all love a break, just one day, that we don't think about the way we look or what not to eat.

Thank you so much for all of your responses. You have given me so much encouragement and a lot to think about. Good luck in your life ups and downs, and count on me to help you along the way also.

Pressure to lose weight

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