Boyfriend's Comments/Pressure to be hot
Options
gtbullitt
Posts: 3
Hi guys - This is my first post even though I have been using MFP for quite some time now. I have a situation where I am not looking for vent, just wondering if anyone else on here has ever experienced pressure/comments from their significant other on their weight loss journey.
At my highest weight I was about 180 at 5'6. This was about 10 years ago. Started running religiously and changed my eating habits which triggered a very unhealthy eating disorder which lasted through college. At my lowest I was 120lbs with my disorder in full force. After college I gained back about 40 lbs by working late shifts and eating poorly. And about 9 months ago I started working out and seeing a nutritionist. I am down to 145 now. More muscular than I have ever been, but I still have not lost my stubborn fat in my stomach.
My last boyfriend never motivated me to workout. He was naturally skinny and had terrible eating habits. The only comment he ever made to me about working out was that I had developed "manly shoulders" which disgusted him. Needless to say I broke up with him and found someone else.
My new boyfriend is toned and has never had weight issues. He recently had to stop working out because of a work injury, but he talks about getting back on the horse daily. The problem is, he makes comments about my body that I can't shake. He says things like "when we both start working out together, can you imagine how hot we'll be?" or "next year you're going to look so much hotter in your bikini."
He points out his own "flaws" all the time, saying how he can't wait to get back in the gym. Subconsciously his comments light a fire under my *kitten* and I end up working out harder and longer than I otherwise would have, so that's a plus. But at the end of the day, I wonder if he's only waiting around for the idea that I'll eventually be hot/up to his standards. Other than these comments he is very sweet and loving to me and cooks me healthy meals to help me, and I love him for that. He is just very hard on his body which I guess now translates over to me.
Side note: He has no idea that I used to be very overweight. I met him during college (at my skinniest) and didn't see him again until recently when we started dating.
Has anyone else experienced these kind of comments from their significant other? Does it halt or motivate your desire to lose weight?
Thanks for reading this..
At my highest weight I was about 180 at 5'6. This was about 10 years ago. Started running religiously and changed my eating habits which triggered a very unhealthy eating disorder which lasted through college. At my lowest I was 120lbs with my disorder in full force. After college I gained back about 40 lbs by working late shifts and eating poorly. And about 9 months ago I started working out and seeing a nutritionist. I am down to 145 now. More muscular than I have ever been, but I still have not lost my stubborn fat in my stomach.
My last boyfriend never motivated me to workout. He was naturally skinny and had terrible eating habits. The only comment he ever made to me about working out was that I had developed "manly shoulders" which disgusted him. Needless to say I broke up with him and found someone else.
My new boyfriend is toned and has never had weight issues. He recently had to stop working out because of a work injury, but he talks about getting back on the horse daily. The problem is, he makes comments about my body that I can't shake. He says things like "when we both start working out together, can you imagine how hot we'll be?" or "next year you're going to look so much hotter in your bikini."
He points out his own "flaws" all the time, saying how he can't wait to get back in the gym. Subconsciously his comments light a fire under my *kitten* and I end up working out harder and longer than I otherwise would have, so that's a plus. But at the end of the day, I wonder if he's only waiting around for the idea that I'll eventually be hot/up to his standards. Other than these comments he is very sweet and loving to me and cooks me healthy meals to help me, and I love him for that. He is just very hard on his body which I guess now translates over to me.
Side note: He has no idea that I used to be very overweight. I met him during college (at my skinniest) and didn't see him again until recently when we started dating.
Has anyone else experienced these kind of comments from their significant other? Does it halt or motivate your desire to lose weight?
Thanks for reading this..
0
Replies
-
Does he know about your eating disordered history? If not, I would tell him and also tell him that his comments about your body are triggering and to knock it off! If he does know, and he still says that... : / No bueno. Either way, he probably just needs to be flatly told not to make that sort of comments, and may need to be reminded a few times. Whether or not he's trying to be helpful or complimentary, it's not coming across that way. As soon as he understands that, I would guess that he'd stop. So just be honest with him!0
-
He sounds like he's insecure with himself more than anything. At least from what I'm reading. You are working out and he hasn't been. He might be expressing it the only way he know's how.0
-
Actually, if those are exact quotes of what he's said, I don't understand why you think he's saying anything about your body. You don't mention his tone when he's said these things or what other conversations may have been taking place or anything about what else he said along with those words, so it's difficult to say with certainty what someone else meant. You could ask him to elaborate, though.
What I hear there is that he's excited to work out with you because he sees how well you are doing already (and may even be envious because he isn't right now), and he thinks that if you two are working out together, and looking and feeling better about yourselves, you're going to be one HOT couple! Hot doesn't necessarily have to do with how you look only. Of course you will both be looking even better than you do already, but you will also have more energy, have more confidence (which is super hot) you will be spending quality time together, and more than likely have an even better sex life than you already do have.
It sounds like he's trying to motivate you and maybe even trying to get you to say something motivating back to him (or trying to motivate himself), seeing as how he's possibly feeling a little jealous and possibly doesn't feel worthy enough for you.
He didn't say something like "you shouldn't wear a bikini this summer, but next summer, if you work out with me, eat healthy, and do the exercises I say, then you'll look hot, and then I'll be happy to be seen with you".
I do have an eating disordered past, too, so I know what it's like to take these types of comments, internalize them, and make them about me when they aren't. It sounds like you aren't giving yourself enough credit here and are losing confidence for some reason. Could it be something else bothering you? Could it be that anyone saying anything at all about health, fitness, eating better, working out, looking a certain way is just too much for you to handle? Ask yourself the tough questions and be honest when you answer yourself. If you are feeling insecure right now, anything anyone says can be misconstrued to sound like the harsh voice in your head.
<<cyberhugs>>0 -
I kind of got the same impression as sljohnson1207 - he is excited to do thing and be with you and anticipating happy times. I guess that is just years of marriage to the King of Backwards Compliments: I know how to read what was truly meant by the comment. Talk with him about your past. My husband is very cognizant of my ED past and if I tell him that something is a trigger, he will either listen to me if it is something out of his control, i.e. something at work, or make a change if it is something he is doing. Usually guys like how yours sounds are great at being supportive if you give them the opportunity. Most likely the case is he just doesn't know that it is an issue for you and will be on board with keeping you in recovery.0
-
Thank you sincerely for your replies! It's so helpful to hear other perspectives about this!
@throoper -- No, I have not mentioned to him about my past disorder... we're still fairly new in our relationship and I didn't know if that will scare him away... I have told him that I can get very methodical and dedicated with my eating and fitness plans though...
@pander101 -- He can be very insecure about himself and his body - but I don't think he has anything to worry about! That's what kind of gets to me. If *HE* thinks he's fat then what the heck does he think about *ME*??
@slijohnson1207 -- His comments are usually just out of the blue when we are laying next to each other or if he catches a glimpse of me getting dressed. He is very excited to work out with me because he wants to start training me. He constantly says how he thinks we'll be a "hot couple". He's definitely mentioned the stamina thing too.
I guess there is another angle to the story as I have started comparing myself to his previous girlfriends -- who are all gorgeous and skinny. At times I wonder why he chose me -- but I suppose a lot of that has to do with my old self-depricating thoughts that I'll never be skinny enough. He also constantly gets hit on by other girls (cute girls), in front of me, which brings me down but also motivates me to want to be the hottest girlfriend he's ever had. (He turns all of these girls down btw). Yes, I am feeling super insecure right now, which is why I kind of welcome his comments as motivation. The old (*BAD*) thinking of self-hatred was the only thing that motivated me to workout back in the day...
I don't think he does it to be malicious. But it does weigh heavily on me. Yes, I want to lose the rest of the weight for me, but also want to feel like I'm good enough for him. Just trying to find a healthy balance and not revert back to my old way of thinking..0 -
You dumped a guy because he didn't groove on your shoulders.
Honestly...I don't think you need to look anywhere but the mirror to take care of things....0 -
He's your boyfriend, not your husband. Dump him. Go to the gym anyway...and get a new one that doesn't complain.0
-
No. But nobody wants to date me.
Anyway, I just want to notice that you are dating the same guy. Be careful of these patterns. They may look different but they are the same. And that's not bad luck but just what we unconsciously look for in mates.
I hope this boyfriend grows up and if by any sad chance you break up, start to work on the pattern. No one deserves to be talked to like a sub human, BY a sub human. These guys are tools with no vocal skills.
But you seem to be doing well, so I hope you find someone who is worthy of your stick-to-it-ivness.0 -
Does he know about your eating disordered history? If not, I would tell him and also tell him that his comments about your body are triggering and to knock it off! If he does know, and he still says that... : / No bueno. Either way, he probably just needs to be flatly told not to make that sort of comments, and may need to be reminded a few times. Whether or not he's trying to be helpful or complimentary, it's not coming across that way. As soon as he understands that, I would guess that he'd stop. So just be honest with him!
I disagree. Don't tell him anything he doesn't NEED to know. He's not responsible for "triggering" anything. Doing stuff like that is almost passive agressive, like "Don't say that to me. You control how I'm going to act by your words" and I think OP is stronger than that.
,
But she can defintely tell him to stop saying something AS he's saying it, like "I think I'm hot now, tyvm!."0 -
Maybe he thinks he is being motivating and supportive. I often feel sorry for men...they honestly try hard. Men and women are wired differently and process things in VERY different ways
I think the best thing to do is to have an honest discussion with him. Do not accuse him of anything. Tell him how you feel.
Tell him his comments can sometimes make you feel "less than".
I suspect he will tell you that he only wants to help you meet your goals. And he wants to be part a part of that now and in the future.
Good luck!0 -
I guess there is another angle to the story as I have started comparing myself to his previous girlfriends -- who are all gorgeous and skinny. At times I wonder why he chose me -- but I suppose a lot of that has to do with my old self-depricating thoughts that I'll never be skinny enough. He also constantly gets hit on by other girls (cute girls), in front of me, which brings me down but also motivates me to want to be the hottest girlfriend he's ever had. (He turns all of these girls down btw). Yes, I am feeling super insecure right now, which is why I kind of welcome his comments as motivation. The old (*BAD*) thinking of self-hatred was the only thing that motivated me to workout back in the day...
I don't think he does it to be malicious. But it does weigh heavily on me. Yes, I want to lose the rest of the weight for me, but also want to feel like I'm good enough for him. Just trying to find a healthy balance and not revert back to my old way of thinking..
This is clarification. Those are the negative thoughts coming to the surface again, and just in general, it may be why you developed an ED before. You don't feel worthy. And you have got to change that. There is no man in this world that can make you feel worthy until you feel it yourself. When counselors and therapists and your friends tell you to love yourself, this is exactly what they mean. You need to find a way to respect yourself, be kind to yourself physically and mentally, treat yourself right, stop the negative self talk, don't accept abuse or neglect from others or abuse/neglect yourself, and know that you are worthy. All this equates to loving yourself. Then you will see your worth with your own eyes.
If you need help with this, I highly recommend seeing a therapist that has extensive experience with EDs because the mental aspects of them are far harder to break than the physical.
I wish you the best.
YOU.ARE.WORTHY0 -
yeah I get comments a lot about "when we get you boobs" geez. my hubby is always raving about how good I look but we need to get me breast implants cuz they shrunk. I am not that interested in that. I would go for a lipo on my arms or a couple of new tattoos before major and expensive surgery. that's what they make awesome bras for. I am sure your man thinks he is encouraging you. just take it with a grain of salt.0
-
I have a feeling he is just trying to get you motivated. I go thru the same thing with comments like..."wow you look great, you will be rocking by October"...that just makes me feel like eating
. People who haven't gone thru what we have endured, sometimes don't get it. 0 -
He's your boyfriend, so have an honest talk with him. Tell him it makes you feel bad when he says things that suggest you NEED to lose weight or change your body to be "hot". Tell him you think you look great now. And tell him you want more compliments on how you look I do think you should tell him that you have a history of body image issues.
My guess is that he thinks he's being motivating and is saying the things he thinks about himself, and doesn't realize how it's affecting you.0 -
yeah I get comments a lot about "when we get you boobs" geez. my hubby is always raving about how good I look but we need to get me breast implants cuz they shrunk. I am not that interested in that. I would go for a lipo on my arms or a couple of new tattoos before major and expensive surgery. that's what they make awesome bras for. I am sure your man thinks he is encouraging you. just take it with a grain of salt.
OMG, really??? Shoot, maybe I'm better off single.0 -
I have a feeling he is just trying to get you motivated. I go thru the same thing with comments like..."wow you look great, you will be rocking by October"...that just makes me feel like eating. People who haven't gone thru what we have endured, sometimes don't get it.
True, true. Men are notorious for just saying what is on their minds without real thought of implication.0 -
I agree with others here-- if he doesn't know about your eating disorder- he should so that he might think about what he says before he says it.
Also-- you don't mention his tone-- if he is jokingly saying it to you it may not be meant how you are taking it.
Either way-- when he says things like this my response would be "I don't know what you're talking about, I am already hot" or some other response to let him know I don't agree with his image of me.0 -
Communicate to him how his comments make you feel. Just like you did above. He may not realize that his comments are having a negative impact. You may be getting in your head about it for no reason, but have a chat and be honest about your feelings. In the end, he should love you for you, not what your body looks like. As long as you're being healthy, a perfect body shouldn't be a deal breaker for any relationship.0
-
when he says things like this my response would be "I don't know what you're talking about, I am already hot" or some other response to let him know I don't agree with his image of me.
I like this a lot ^^^^^
Let me ask you a question: If it wasn't for his comments about your weight and whatnot, are you truly happy in the relationship otherwise? Be honest with yourself. Is he making you feel insecure, or are you naturally an insecure person.
I was in your shoes a while ago. I made the epic mistake of sharing with my boyfriend that I had a history of eating disorders. The jerk ended up using it against me later on....so unless you really trust the guy, I'd keep that information to yourself in the meantime.0 -
Life's too short to be with a nagging person. Just break up.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.8K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.8K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 395 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.3K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 960 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions