Boyfriend's Comments/Pressure to be hot

2»

Replies

  • gtbullitt
    gtbullitt Posts: 3
    Well, I don't like his comments because they do hurt. But they sure do motivate me too. I know that's not healthy motivation though..

    In the back of my mind I still can't help but think it was 85% trying to be motivating and 15% "Man I sure hope she keeps working out so I can show her off and make X&Y jealous." He is a great guy, but I think he is also one of those guys that likes having a hot girl on his arm... He constantly tells me that I'm beautiful and that he finds me attractive. But I think he's used to a certain level of attractiveness in previous gfs/hookups that maybe, for the moment, I make up for in personality? Lol I don't know. There I go again..


    Note - I didn't break up with the first guy just because of the shoulder comment. Lol. Trust me, there were a million and one issues with that relationship...

    @dbeaut - Thank you. I will try to step back and reassess what he said...I think my brain immediately processes criticism as being extremely offensive... is there any way to fix that? :(

    @Josalinn -- I'm so sorry you had to go through that too. It really does consume your thoughts when you hear/see so much of the ex. I think we build them up to be more beautiful/interesting than they really are.. which doesn't do any good for our sense of self..... :(


    I am not sure if I'm ready to tell him about my disorder. Like some of you had mentioned, it makes you very vulnerable to let someone know your triggers/weakness. Honestly all of this makes me wonder if he's ever had an eating disorder...

    I guess the only thing I can do is tell him that it bothers me and see if the comments stop...

    I really appreciate all of the feedback. :)
  • La5Vega5Girl
    La5Vega5Girl Posts: 709 Member
    Well, I don't like his comments because they do hurt. But they sure do motivate me too. I know that's not healthy motivation though..

    In the back of my mind I still can't help but think it was 85% trying to be motivating and 15% "Man I sure hope she keeps working out so I can show her off and make X&Y jealous." He is a great guy, but I think he is also one of those guys that likes having a hot girl on his arm... He constantly tells me that I'm beautiful and that he finds me attractive.


    I am not sure if I'm ready to tell him about my disorder. Like some of you had mentioned, it makes you very vulnerable to let someone know your triggers/weakness. Honestly all of this makes me wonder if he's ever had an eating disorder...

    I guess the only thing I can do is tell him that it bothers me and see if the comments stop...

    I really appreciate all of the feedback. :)

    i would NOT tell him about your issues right now. it sounds like he is superficial and might not truly understand the depth of your problems.

    also, if he is constantly telling you how good looking you are (not saying you aren't...) but doesn't that get old? i like a compliment thrown my way every now and then if i buy a new dress or do my hair a new way, but to constantly hear how beautiful you are, etc. etc. would just get on my nerves. there has to be more to me than my looks, and there has to be more to my relationships that what we look like.
  • RedfootDaddy
    RedfootDaddy Posts: 274 Member
    @dbeaut - Thank you. I will try to step back and reassess what he said...I think my brain immediately processes criticism as being extremely offensive... is there any way to fix that? :(

    Short answer: nope. It's taken me several years of DBT, therapy, and a moderate amount of medication to be able to take that step back and consider. But. That being said. When you have self-confidence issues or anxiety or depression (which I have all of yaaaaay) learning mindfulness can be right up there with the right meds in keeping me functioning.

    Mental health is like weight loss for me. I studied a lot and I work very, very hard at it, but I can recognise the NSVs when they happen.

    This has been De with her PSA for learning mindfulness, please join us next time when she talks about unhelpful thinking habits and how to recognise them!
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member

    @dbeaut - Thank you. I will try to step back and reassess what he said...I think my brain immediately processes criticism as being extremely offensive... is there any way to fix that? :(
    that's because IT IS OFFENSIVE.

    I do not agree he's just trying to be helpful- that sounds like out and out stupid comments. Any guy with half a brain knows better than to say *kitten* like that. Either he's really being passive aggressive and manipulative- or he's a completely idiot.

    I'm the first one to jump up and down and say that I find myself attracted or not to fit people and unfit people- and that my BF's current state of unfittness bothers me- and I have told him more or less- but I'd never say- hey you'd be so much more sexy if you got back in shape. There are other ways of saying those things.
    I am not sure if I'm ready to tell him about my disorder. Like some of you had mentioned, it makes you very vulnerable to let someone know your triggers/weakness. Honestly all of this makes me wonder if he's ever had an eating disorder...

    do not tell him.
    I had things I needed to tell my BF- and they were important steps to our relationship- and I didn't feel like I could continue physical with him until I came forward on some of those things- so it took me several months- probably over a year actually to figure out when to tell him. Take your time- you'll know when you need to- there is no rush.

    BUT_ that doesn't mean you can't address issues that bother you now.
    which leads to this comment
    I guess the only thing I can do is tell him that it bothers me and see if the comments stop...

    I agree- and disagree.

    Discuss it with him when he says it next- say- "that's not fair, I don't like the way it makes me feel and I don't appreciate it- I'd like to think you to find me beautiful and attractive now- because guess what- I AM."

    if the comments don't stop- then you get one final warning (well for me that's how it works) and then you're done.
  • jade2112
    jade2112 Posts: 272 Member
    I always hate reading this type of post.

    In 32 years my husband has never once called me a name, shamed, or degraded me. Even when he had to put my shoes on for me due to my weight he never said a thing.

    Maybe you could talk to him about his projecting his feelings about his body on you and the fact that you are already hot and need no improvements.
  • soosun
    soosun Posts: 129 Member
    Hmmmm....you come across as a little girl and are looking for approval from anyone near you, hence the post.
    As someone once said A limp noodle never works for a backbone.

    You really really have to put him in his place. If he doesn't want you as you are, warts and all, and you know you will not be changing any time soon as you are you, then I say move on.
    The secret to a happy life is to have so much belief in you that others will want to be around you and get to know you better. It is not a matter of 'no one will want me' but 'hey I rock just the way I am, but have not met the one who complete me.
    Finally if this is the man you want to marry, he will never change; he wil always complain about something. But if you just want to have a fling then by all means stay in the relationship.
    As I always told my six daughters and 2 sons, in every relationship you either break up or get married. Think about what you really want where you want to be in the next five years and go for it.
    A classic self help is the book The Dance of Anger.
    You sound awesome to me and really you do not need to define yourself by anyones rules but your own. You go Woman!

Categories