Boyfriend's Comments/Pressure to be hot

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Replies

  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    Sit down and talk to him about it. Also tell him about your eating disorder. That's important information that he should have. Ask him to refrain from making those comments. The end. It's amazing what open, honest conversation can accomplish.
  • socalkay
    socalkay Posts: 746 Member
    Communicate to him how his comments make you feel.

    Exactly what I was going to say. Try to refrain from making "you make me feel" statements. Just sincerely express how you feel.
  • Tammy_1971
    Tammy_1971 Posts: 93 Member
    Actually, if those are exact quotes of what he's said, I don't understand why you think he's saying anything about your body. You don't mention his tone when he's said these things or what other conversations may have been taking place or anything about what else he said along with those words, so it's difficult to say with certainty what someone else meant. You could ask him to elaborate, though.

    What I hear there is that he's excited to work out with you because he sees how well you are doing already (and may even be envious because he isn't right now), and he thinks that if you two are working out together, and looking and feeling better about yourselves, you're going to be one HOT couple! Hot doesn't necessarily have to do with how you look only. Of course you will both be looking even better than you do already, but you will also have more energy, have more confidence (which is super hot) you will be spending quality time together, and more than likely have an even better sex life than you already do have.

    It sounds like he's trying to motivate you and maybe even trying to get you to say something motivating back to him (or trying to motivate himself), seeing as how he's possibly feeling a little jealous and possibly doesn't feel worthy enough for you.

    He didn't say something like "you shouldn't wear a bikini this summer, but next summer, if you work out with me, eat healthy, and do the exercises I say, then you'll look hot, and then I'll be happy to be seen with you".

    I do have an eating disordered past, too, so I know what it's like to take these types of comments, internalize them, and make them about me when they aren't. It sounds like you aren't giving yourself enough credit here and are losing confidence for some reason. Could it be something else bothering you? Could it be that anyone saying anything at all about health, fitness, eating better, working out, looking a certain way is just too much for you to handle? Ask yourself the tough questions and be honest when you answer yourself. If you are feeling insecure right now, anything anyone says can be misconstrued to sound like the harsh voice in your head.

    <<cyberhugs>>

    This... and by saying that next year you'll be even HOTTER in your bikini... it makes me think that he thinks your hot now and with the working out, you're making yourself better.

    I obviously don't know you guys, but just from what you have written, I am thinking that he is saying something nice; it's just coming out waaaay wrong. LOL
  • nilbogger
    nilbogger Posts: 870 Member
    No. But nobody wants to date me.

    Anyway, I just want to notice that you are dating the same guy. Be careful of these patterns. They may look different but they are the same. And that's not bad luck but just what we unconsciously look for in mates.

    I hope this boyfriend grows up and if by any sad chance you break up, start to work on the pattern. No one deserves to be talked to like a sub human, BY a sub human. These guys are tools with no vocal skills.

    But you seem to be doing well, so I hope you find someone who is worthy of your stick-to-it-ivness.

    This is the vibe I'm getting as well.

    I wonder if comments like this would sit well with anyone saying this guy is just trying to be motivating.
  • AskTracyAnnK28
    AskTracyAnnK28 Posts: 2,817 Member
    No. But nobody wants to date me.

    Anyway, I just want to notice that you are dating the same guy. Be careful of these patterns. They may look different but they are the same. And that's not bad luck but just what we unconsciously look for in mates.

    I hope this boyfriend grows up and if by any sad chance you break up, start to work on the pattern. No one deserves to be talked to like a sub human, BY a sub human. These guys are tools with no vocal skills.

    But you seem to be doing well, so I hope you find someone who is worthy of your stick-to-it-ivness.

    This is the vibe I'm getting as well.

    I wonder if comments like this would sit well with anyone saying this guy is just trying to be motivating.

    I agree...I think his comments are passive-aggressive.

    I'm so glad I'm single!!!

    OP - next time he makes a comment, just say "I'm already a hottie - and if you don't think so, you know where the door is" :wink:
  • Josalinn
    Josalinn Posts: 1,066 Member
    I guess there is another angle to the story as I have started comparing myself to his previous girlfriends -- who are all gorgeous and skinny. At times I wonder why he chose me -- but I suppose a lot of that has to do with my old self-depricating thoughts that I'll never be skinny enough. He also constantly gets hit on by other girls (cute girls), in front of me, which brings me down but also motivates me to want to be the hottest girlfriend he's ever had.

    Hi!

    I have been were you are, and it took me a long time to stop comparing myself to his ex...one in particular who was his end all be all in HS. She was a dancer, so she was slim, legs for miles, and had a gorgeous face. My Boyfriend and I were Friends in HS so he would tell me all about this girl. So when he told me that he had worked up the balls to ask her out and she said yes I was very happy for him. They dated for a long time, and she did something to him that was unforgivable in his eyes, and not my place to say. He broke up with her. Second year of college we start going out but I started gaining weight and lamenting on how I would never look like HER, and that he secretly hated me and was disgusted with me. I had issues. I have since worked through most of them.

    We sat down and talked about it and he reassured me that I was not a hideous monster and that he loved me. Yes he likes legs, and I am not built to have mile long legs, but I do have a fantastic bum which he loves to slap.

    He gets oggled all the time and sometimes he notices and other times he doesn't. He says the same thing about me. So maybe you are getting oggled or hit on and not even know it? Maybe he is uncomfortable about that?

    Every now and then we have little flare ups but it works out. We have been dating for almost 9 years, for some reference.

    As a side note, I disagree with a lot of the "just break up with him" comments, because it makes dating seem less of a commitment than being married or marriage doesn't have this sort of issue. Being married doesn't magically make things better. America has too high of a divorce rate to argue that. If you try to work something out while dating, there is higher chance you will try to work something out while married. Sorry, i see to many divorce cases over stupid *kitten*.

    If you want to talk more send me PM. I don't really feel like having all our dating history aired in a public forum, but I have had a similar experience as yours. From what I can tell from these few post he sounds like a sweet guy who is self conscious about his own image and is not communicating all that well.
  • RedfootDaddy
    RedfootDaddy Posts: 274 Member
    I don't have an eating disorder, but I do have a lovely thing called borderline personality disorder, which makes me incredibly conscious of what my loved ones think of me. I would be tied up in knots over those comments as well.

    I would, personally, take a step back and practice mindfulness. What did he actually say? What did you hear? How was it said? Was this behaviour in line with what you already know about him? If your weight loss is slower than you want, what's the worst that could happen? Really. What is the worst possible outcome. Thinking about that without catastrophizing can really help. Maybe he's just being a thoughtless guy and overly eager about supporting you, or maybe your worst fears are true (probably not).

    My wife (who is, without exaggeration or sucking up, but based on a meticulous and partial examination of her features and I could go on for hours in detail, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen) was anorexic all through high school and recovered in college to slightly overweight. Her then-boyfriend would tell her that he "would marry her when he could carry her over the threshhold". If he was trying to be supportive of a weight loss initiative, that was NOT the way to word it. Needless to say if I ever meet him he and my fists are going to have a few words.

    But. I think my whole point is that your mental and physical health should come first. If you feel like his comments might be edging you closer to an eating disorder relapse, then definitely talk to him. I don't know what kind of relationship you have but I know in my marriage if I were to say "Please don't mention xyz," I can trust my wife to not do it and not expect me to give an explanation - because she in turn trusts me to have a reason for it, so she doesn't need to ask.
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
    Agree with the people who say hes trying to be supportive. Its very hard for us to tell really as there are so many ways. You know him and you say hes sweet kind and supportive.

    What could be happening is he lacks awareness and just isnt realising how it is affecting you. As usual and as already suggested of oys bothering you then talk to him, but ont go overboard about it. If youd like him not to make those comments just say so.
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
    You are going to break up over this sooner or later. Now is a good time.
  • La5Vega5Girl
    La5Vega5Girl Posts: 709 Member
    i wouldn't like my boyfriend commenting on how hot a couple we "could be"
    to me, that is very shallow. i have been with my husband since i was 20 (i am now 43) and i have been thin, fat, and everywhere in between. he has never said anything to me. he encourages me if i want to lose, or gain muscle, or get healthy, but he doesn't comment on my body itself. your body is yours. the only person it should be "good enough for" is Y.O.U.:heart:
  • gtbullitt
    gtbullitt Posts: 3
    Well, I don't like his comments because they do hurt. But they sure do motivate me too. I know that's not healthy motivation though..

    In the back of my mind I still can't help but think it was 85% trying to be motivating and 15% "Man I sure hope she keeps working out so I can show her off and make X&Y jealous." He is a great guy, but I think he is also one of those guys that likes having a hot girl on his arm... He constantly tells me that I'm beautiful and that he finds me attractive. But I think he's used to a certain level of attractiveness in previous gfs/hookups that maybe, for the moment, I make up for in personality? Lol I don't know. There I go again..


    Note - I didn't break up with the first guy just because of the shoulder comment. Lol. Trust me, there were a million and one issues with that relationship...

    @dbeaut - Thank you. I will try to step back and reassess what he said...I think my brain immediately processes criticism as being extremely offensive... is there any way to fix that? :(

    @Josalinn -- I'm so sorry you had to go through that too. It really does consume your thoughts when you hear/see so much of the ex. I think we build them up to be more beautiful/interesting than they really are.. which doesn't do any good for our sense of self..... :(


    I am not sure if I'm ready to tell him about my disorder. Like some of you had mentioned, it makes you very vulnerable to let someone know your triggers/weakness. Honestly all of this makes me wonder if he's ever had an eating disorder...

    I guess the only thing I can do is tell him that it bothers me and see if the comments stop...

    I really appreciate all of the feedback. :)
  • La5Vega5Girl
    La5Vega5Girl Posts: 709 Member
    Well, I don't like his comments because they do hurt. But they sure do motivate me too. I know that's not healthy motivation though..

    In the back of my mind I still can't help but think it was 85% trying to be motivating and 15% "Man I sure hope she keeps working out so I can show her off and make X&Y jealous." He is a great guy, but I think he is also one of those guys that likes having a hot girl on his arm... He constantly tells me that I'm beautiful and that he finds me attractive.


    I am not sure if I'm ready to tell him about my disorder. Like some of you had mentioned, it makes you very vulnerable to let someone know your triggers/weakness. Honestly all of this makes me wonder if he's ever had an eating disorder...

    I guess the only thing I can do is tell him that it bothers me and see if the comments stop...

    I really appreciate all of the feedback. :)

    i would NOT tell him about your issues right now. it sounds like he is superficial and might not truly understand the depth of your problems.

    also, if he is constantly telling you how good looking you are (not saying you aren't...) but doesn't that get old? i like a compliment thrown my way every now and then if i buy a new dress or do my hair a new way, but to constantly hear how beautiful you are, etc. etc. would just get on my nerves. there has to be more to me than my looks, and there has to be more to my relationships that what we look like.
  • RedfootDaddy
    RedfootDaddy Posts: 274 Member
    @dbeaut - Thank you. I will try to step back and reassess what he said...I think my brain immediately processes criticism as being extremely offensive... is there any way to fix that? :(

    Short answer: nope. It's taken me several years of DBT, therapy, and a moderate amount of medication to be able to take that step back and consider. But. That being said. When you have self-confidence issues or anxiety or depression (which I have all of yaaaaay) learning mindfulness can be right up there with the right meds in keeping me functioning.

    Mental health is like weight loss for me. I studied a lot and I work very, very hard at it, but I can recognise the NSVs when they happen.

    This has been De with her PSA for learning mindfulness, please join us next time when she talks about unhelpful thinking habits and how to recognise them!
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member

    @dbeaut - Thank you. I will try to step back and reassess what he said...I think my brain immediately processes criticism as being extremely offensive... is there any way to fix that? :(
    that's because IT IS OFFENSIVE.

    I do not agree he's just trying to be helpful- that sounds like out and out stupid comments. Any guy with half a brain knows better than to say *kitten* like that. Either he's really being passive aggressive and manipulative- or he's a completely idiot.

    I'm the first one to jump up and down and say that I find myself attracted or not to fit people and unfit people- and that my BF's current state of unfittness bothers me- and I have told him more or less- but I'd never say- hey you'd be so much more sexy if you got back in shape. There are other ways of saying those things.
    I am not sure if I'm ready to tell him about my disorder. Like some of you had mentioned, it makes you very vulnerable to let someone know your triggers/weakness. Honestly all of this makes me wonder if he's ever had an eating disorder...

    do not tell him.
    I had things I needed to tell my BF- and they were important steps to our relationship- and I didn't feel like I could continue physical with him until I came forward on some of those things- so it took me several months- probably over a year actually to figure out when to tell him. Take your time- you'll know when you need to- there is no rush.

    BUT_ that doesn't mean you can't address issues that bother you now.
    which leads to this comment
    I guess the only thing I can do is tell him that it bothers me and see if the comments stop...

    I agree- and disagree.

    Discuss it with him when he says it next- say- "that's not fair, I don't like the way it makes me feel and I don't appreciate it- I'd like to think you to find me beautiful and attractive now- because guess what- I AM."

    if the comments don't stop- then you get one final warning (well for me that's how it works) and then you're done.
  • jade2112
    jade2112 Posts: 272 Member
    I always hate reading this type of post.

    In 32 years my husband has never once called me a name, shamed, or degraded me. Even when he had to put my shoes on for me due to my weight he never said a thing.

    Maybe you could talk to him about his projecting his feelings about his body on you and the fact that you are already hot and need no improvements.
  • soosun
    soosun Posts: 129 Member
    Hmmmm....you come across as a little girl and are looking for approval from anyone near you, hence the post.
    As someone once said A limp noodle never works for a backbone.

    You really really have to put him in his place. If he doesn't want you as you are, warts and all, and you know you will not be changing any time soon as you are you, then I say move on.
    The secret to a happy life is to have so much belief in you that others will want to be around you and get to know you better. It is not a matter of 'no one will want me' but 'hey I rock just the way I am, but have not met the one who complete me.
    Finally if this is the man you want to marry, he will never change; he wil always complain about something. But if you just want to have a fling then by all means stay in the relationship.
    As I always told my six daughters and 2 sons, in every relationship you either break up or get married. Think about what you really want where you want to be in the next five years and go for it.
    A classic self help is the book The Dance of Anger.
    You sound awesome to me and really you do not need to define yourself by anyones rules but your own. You go Woman!

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