I need help, desperately! I feel so defeated!

aprilflowers15
aprilflowers15 Posts: 10
in Motivation and Support
My story.

I had my route en-y gastric bypass January 2012. I was 321lbs

I reached 167 the summer of 2013. I started counting my calories and was eating 1000 a day around march of 2013. I stopped getting my period in March of 2013, I got a whole series of blood tests, MRI, ultrasound and they all came back clear.

Then that fall I began teaching and gained 3lbs, staying at 170. I was determined to get back to the 160s, so I started going to Bootcamp. Didn't work.

I went home Christmas 2013, gained 10lbs. I also started getting my period again. So when I got back I gave up drinking and partying, got strict again back to my 1000 calorie goal. By February 2014 I was back to 170. Then, for some reason, despite being diligent and strict, I gained 8lbs. I stepped on the scale May long weekend, saw 180lbs and totally lost it. My period had stopped again too.

So I sought out a personal trainer and a dietitian, both were horrified that I was eating 1000 calories a day and working out. The personal trainer refused to take me on until I upped my calories, the dietitian urged me to eat more. I did, a little, and I lost 1-2lbs in 2months.

Then I spent the month of July in NL, and gained 10lbs. (period came back) Accepting this, when I got back I cut out all alcohol, I got really strict, worked out 6 days a week (bootcamp 3 days, an hour run/walk another 3 days) and I hadn't lost an ounce. and my periods have stopped. Frustrated, I went back to the dietitian and she said I still need to eat more. I was eating 1500 on bootcamp days, 1300-1400 on non-bootcamp days. She wanted me to net 1500. The stakes are too high for me to simply eat all those extra calories. So instead of netting 1500 a day, I simply ate 1500 a day, and 1800 on bootcamp days. It's important for me to get back to 180 before I go home for Christmas. Getting to be 200lbs is my worst fear

Well, I gained 1.6 pounds from eating more calories, (and not as much as she wanted).

I feel like I am all out of options. I feel like I am drowning. Doesn't matter how hard I kick, swim an fight to surface, I am drowning. All the professionals can do is grasp at straws.

I've had hormones checked, my thyroid checked, blood work done and it all comes back normal. I begged to be put on synthroid to help my thyroid but of course, that didn't work either. I feel like it's inevitable that I'll get back to where I was.

I work SOOO hard. I still have not touched sugar, caffeine, fast food, anything deep fried, chips or any junk in nearly 3 years.

All my foods are fruits, veggies, lean proteins I eat are fish and turkey, and whole grains. Despite eating clean and being active, I am gaining weight.

It's not muscle gain, I am busting out of my clothes.

I have cancelled Christmas and Thanksgiving. I have deleted my Facebook because I can't stand to see all these people enjoying their lives and here I am working so hard and getting nowhere but back to where I started.

I am desperate. I can't live like this anymore. It is consuming my every thought and I know that's unhealthy, but I'm gaining weight despite my best efforts, how can I be expected to relax when even a white-knuckled grip yields weight gain?

Replies

  • pirate_john_75
    pirate_john_75 Posts: 96 Member
    Remember this:

    You were 321. Now your "worst fear" is to have a net loss of 121 pounds since then. Very few people on this planet have ever successfully lost 121 pounds.
  • pander101
    pander101 Posts: 677 Member
    It's alright. Just breath.

    First off, I think you should seek some professional help from a therapist before this takes a turn for the worst. Just reading this post stressed me out.

    Second, are you using a food scale? You can eat all the healthy food you want but if you blow your deficit then what's the point? Use it to measure all foods. Best investment ever. Also, MFP calorie burns are way off for exercises, don't trust them.

    I would also reccomend calculating your TDEE and then minus 20% for your calorie allowence. It takes into account how many times a week you work out so you don't need to log it. I personally use the calculators at IIFYM.com. This is if you don't want to use what MFP gave you.
  • Artemis2121
    Artemis2121 Posts: 42 Member
    I really admire how much you've accomplished. Please listen to the dietician and your medical support staff. Consuming too little calories puts your body into survival mode. Your body protects your life by slowing down your metabolism and stopping your period to avoid starvation. No need to be so harsh on your body. It may take some time to recover and readjust. What you call "extra calories" are not superfluous, but are needed for you to thrive, not just survive .

    Picture journeying back to see a loved one in another state. As anxious as you are to see her, would you be able to sprint the entire distance? Would worrying get you there faster?

    There will be ups, downs and plateaus. Be kind to your self and your body on that journey. Relax in the confidence that you will arrive. You've set your compass in the right direction. Enjoy the trip.
  • Jessie24330
    Jessie24330 Posts: 224 Member
    I looked at a few pages in your diary. It seems like you are using measuring cups instead of an electronic scale for measure your food. Based on my personal experience, I am 99% sure you are consuming more calories that you think you are. For someone who is vastly overweight, measuring cups are a good way to start if they don't have a scale. For someone who is closer to "normal" weight, it's not good enough. I am sure if you were to start weighing your food you would see that you have been underestimating your daily intakes. Please don't eat at 1000 calories a day and exercise on top of that. We want you to be healthy too and not just average weight. When you are restricting so much that your period goes away, please understand that that is a sign that your body needs more than you are giving it. Best of luck :)
  • aprilflowers15
    aprilflowers15 Posts: 10
    Thanks for the support. I was asked a few questions so I will answer as best I can

    1) The salads in my menu are bagged salads. It includes dressings in the readings. I always have dressing leftover when I'm done the salad anyway. I use maybe a tbsp of it
    2) I drink a LOT of water, and only water. I have a decaf coffee every morning with 1 milk and 1 sweetner. Water is the only fluid I drink
    3) I weigh all my food, and when I can't weigh it I measure it. As a beriatric patient, I can't eat more than a cup of food, so that's why I use it. Weighing salad would be hard, so I measure it.
    4) I calculated the calories of the lindt chocolate. 99% for 3 small squares is 39 calories, unless the package is lying....
    5) I know MFP exercise burns are really overestimated, but I don't go by that. I do an hour of bootcamp and the trainer said we burn at the very least, 500 calories. So I go by that. As you can see, I don't eat back all my exercise calories.

    I have an appointment with my dietitian today. I have readjusted my calories to 1300-1500, she feels it's too low but if I eat what she wants, I gain. This is really difficult to wrap my mind around. And yes, I most certainly need professional help for that too!
  • wkwebby
    wkwebby Posts: 807 Member
    How tall are you? What is your body fat%? You need to look at the whole picture of what your body is telling you and not just the number on the scale. Maybe your body needs to be at 170 or 180? Are you a larger built person or not? I'm 5'4" with a medium to larger build. My ideal weight is going to be 135 because I'm also muscular and do weight training. This is still a "high" number for some, but I know I would look healthy and lean at the same time (without losing my period).

    If all of your blood tests are coming back normal and you are losing your period when you lose weight, your body is telling you that the amount of body fat you have is too little. Guess what? As women, you need at a MINIMUM 10% body fat to stay healthy. Professional women athletes lose their periods all the time because they go below that. As healthy adult women, there is no reason to be going below this number.

    My suggestion (to not drive yourself crazy) is to measure and keep track of this since you are having irregular periods with no "obvious" cause.
  • Apothys28
    Apothys28 Posts: 56 Member
    How tall are you? What is your body fat%? You need to look at the whole picture of what your body is telling you and not just the number on the scale. Maybe your body needs to be at 170 or 180? Are you a larger built person or not? I'm 5'4" with a medium to larger build. My ideal weight is going to be 135 because I'm also muscular and do weight training. This is still a "high" number for some, but I know I would look healthy and lean at the same time (without losing my period).

    If all of your blood tests are coming back normal and you are losing your period when you lose weight, your body is telling you that the amount of body fat you have is too little. Guess what? As women, you need at a MINIMUM 10% body fat to stay healthy. Professional women athletes lose their periods all the time because they go below that. As healthy adult women, there is no reason to be going below this number.

    My suggestion (to not drive yourself crazy) is to measure and keep track of this since you are having irregular periods with no "obvious" cause.

    I think post hit the nail on the head! Looking at your profile picture you look amazing! The scale isn't everything, a lot of times is a lying scumbag. You have done an incredible job getting to where you are now.
  • SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage
    SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage Posts: 2,668 Member
    Hi there. I didn't look at your diary. Something else is screaming out at me and please don't take offense. I think you are dealing with some emotional issues here that are more critical than your weight issues. I think it would really help for you to speak to someone about the strong emotions you are having which are tied to your weight, and ultimately, your self-worth. Cancelling family holidays because of your weight is not normal. I say this because I have experience having been obese and dealing with body image issues once I lost the weight, and I am also currently helping someone through an ED. Your post alarms me. Please speak to someone. Honestly, I say this out of pure concern.
  • aprilflowers15
    aprilflowers15 Posts: 10
    Thanks for the concern everyone. No offence taken.

    I am 5'8 or 5'9 and 191.6 pounds.

    I do consider myself to be a bigger build.

    I have not had my body fat % calculated yet, I just spent 500 dollars for a 12 week program with the dietitian, forking over another 70 for a body fat % test will require a bit more time to save up.
  • aprilflowers15
    aprilflowers15 Posts: 10
    And for what it's worth, I know my obsession with this is unhealthy. I know life is about balance and enjoyment, and I always was. Until I keep gaining weight, no matter how hard I try. That's when all the zen, well rounded approach to life went out the window.
  • terem00
    terem00 Posts: 176 Member
    RE: BOOTCAMP

    Be careful with this one.
    I was logging bootcamp at 600 calories as per our instructor before I got a HRM.
    I was shocked to learn that I was actually only burning 250 calories max doing 1 hour of bootcamp!!
    My bootcamp consisted of both weights and cardio combined with lots of intervals and circuits.
    I would be drenched in sweat after class, sore and wheezing (ex smoker), so I thought I must be burning at least 600 calories.
    What a shock that was and I had to make some adjustments
  • aprilflowers15
    aprilflowers15 Posts: 10
    How on earth does an hour of bootcamp only burn 250 calories? Where did you learn this?
  • SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage
    SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage Posts: 2,668 Member
    How on earth does an hour of bootcamp only burn 250 calories? Where did you learn this?
    +1 Doesn't sound right to me either. I'm almost dead after I'm done.
  • terem00
    terem00 Posts: 176 Member
    How on earth does an hour of bootcamp only burn 250 calories? Where did you learn this?
    +1 Doesn't sound right to me either. I'm almost dead after I'm done.

    I wore a heart rate monitor..have to keep in mind that those work best while under a steady state of cardio whereas bootcamp is not a steady state of cardio (well mine wasn't)
    I was 147lbs at that time and I'm 5'4...someone who weighs more will burn more.
    I also have a small frame and while I didn't lose a lot of weight, I went from a size 10 to size 6.
  • jackiebh42
    jackiebh42 Posts: 14 Member
    One of my best investments since I started trying to lose weight, stay fit and develop a healthier lifestyle is my HRM. I'd imagine its one of the most accurate calculators of calories burned? I was amazed that I only lost about 280 calories doing 30 minutes of walking/running or just 380 or so calories doing 50 minutes of high intensity interval training. Drenched in sweat I was convinced I'd burned at least 600 but... Heart rates don't lie and our varying weight also determines how many calories we burn. My husband is heavier than me and always burns a lot more calories than I do while doing the same workout. (& also gets to work with more calories to lose weight) sigh! :/
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,741 Member
    I know you said you've been thoroughly checked out by a doctor, but are you (and they) sure the reason your period keeps stopping is due to eating too few calories? I'm suspicious of that. Could you have PCOS or endometriosis (sorry, I'm sure that is misspelled). I'm not saying you should look for an "excuse" but I'm wondering if there's more to it health-wise.

    I do think you are smart to pursue therapy. That will help you accept yourself no matter what the stupid scale says. Don't give it so much power over you! It just spits out a number. It does NOT evaluate your worth as a person.
  • wkwebby
    wkwebby Posts: 807 Member
    Thanks for the concern everyone. No offence taken.

    I am 5'8 or 5'9 and 191.6 pounds.

    I do consider myself to be a bigger build.

    I have not had my body fat % calculated yet, I just spent 500 dollars for a 12 week program with the dietitian, forking over another 70 for a body fat % test will require a bit more time to save up.

    You don't need to spend that much for a test for BF%. There are calipers (I call them pinchers) for less than 20 bucks on Amazon. They come with a guide to measure and tell you where to measure. It isn't fancy, but it also should not be all that expensive. Don't spend a ton of money on it. There are even calculators online which are less flexible for bigger framed people and less accurate. First try those links (I don't have links offhand), and then get the calipers if there is still some doubt.

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