Good intentions that are annoying nonetheless
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Rinny73
Posts: 21
Has anyone ever gotten this?
I will casually say something in passing to friends and family that I'm fat and need to loss weight. Invariably I'll get the response: "Oh, Rinny, you don't have to lose weight." or "Please, you're not fat."
I'm 5'6" and 218lbs. Even my doctor says I need to lose weight. The extra weight is effecting my sleep, my health, my energy, not to mention my appearance. I've been overweight my entire life. After so many years of hiding from the truth about my weight, I'm finally able to say without judgment and self hatred, "Hey, I'm fat and I want to lose weight." The last thing I need is for my loved ones to lie to me that I'm not fat.
I told my doctor that I would like to be at about 140lbs. She said that's a good weight for me. Great! I tell my mother, my sister, my husband. You know what I get? "140lbs? That's way too little for you. You're going to be a skeleton. You're going to be too bony. I think you might have body dysmorphic disorder."
Granted, I have never been thin. No one has ever known me as a thin person, so I guess the idea of me at that weight is unthinkable. But it really hurts having no one to cheer me on. In fact, they're doing the opposite, trying to discourage me from losing weight. It seems like they're so used to me being overweight they'd rather I stay overweight. I'm so frustrated.
I will casually say something in passing to friends and family that I'm fat and need to loss weight. Invariably I'll get the response: "Oh, Rinny, you don't have to lose weight." or "Please, you're not fat."
I'm 5'6" and 218lbs. Even my doctor says I need to lose weight. The extra weight is effecting my sleep, my health, my energy, not to mention my appearance. I've been overweight my entire life. After so many years of hiding from the truth about my weight, I'm finally able to say without judgment and self hatred, "Hey, I'm fat and I want to lose weight." The last thing I need is for my loved ones to lie to me that I'm not fat.
I told my doctor that I would like to be at about 140lbs. She said that's a good weight for me. Great! I tell my mother, my sister, my husband. You know what I get? "140lbs? That's way too little for you. You're going to be a skeleton. You're going to be too bony. I think you might have body dysmorphic disorder."
Granted, I have never been thin. No one has ever known me as a thin person, so I guess the idea of me at that weight is unthinkable. But it really hurts having no one to cheer me on. In fact, they're doing the opposite, trying to discourage me from losing weight. It seems like they're so used to me being overweight they'd rather I stay overweight. I'm so frustrated.
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Replies
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I stopped telling people how much "I" wanted to lose AND how much I actually weighed, nobody believed I am that heavy and the amount I want to lose seems like a lot to them. So I just didn't say anything, if anybody asked I just said that I went to the doctor and the doctor recommended I lose a few pounds/get into shape, ect. I don't discuss how I am doing it, if people are insistent I try this or that diet, I just say that I'm following the plan that I was given by the registered dietician my doctor refered me to and my doctor is monitoring my progress.
Don't let them make you feel bad, you did the right thing, you talked to your doctor, your doctor said go for it, as long as you do it in a healthy and responsible manner, there is nothing wrong with it. Make some friends here or at the gym (if you're joining a gym) or if you can afford a trainer, get one. Discuss your goals with them, you'll find like minded people are more understanding of your plight. Enlist one of these new comrades to help you, take a now picture, this is your reality check when you need it. Don't set your goal for a specific number because that is what is the "standard" for you, or at least don't have that number set in stone as it's gotta be that or nevermind (there is a slight truth in what your loved ones are saying, bear with me I'll make my point with that in a sec) according to some height/weight chart, you may find you will be too thin... for you, every 10 lbs, take another picture look at it objectively with your new buddy and/or your doc as compared to your original, when you hit the healthy for you weight, stop you may find it's not where you thought and your buddy/doc are your perspective to keep you from getting to that too bony state that your family is worried about. Let me explain (here's my point) I'm 5'8.5" and at my highest weight I was 220, at my height, my ideal weight range is about 130-160, so at one point I did one of the no-no diets, they got me down to 155 and were determined that they could get me down to 140 because I would "look great!" I kept say no, I'm in the size I want to be (I was in a 10/12 by then), finally had to quit because every time I went in I left in tears because I wasn't losing, my body just couldn't do it anymore.... so I was defeated, gained back, began the spiral of yo yo dieting. Well, I've seen a picture of me at 155, I looked HORRIBLE!!!! I am not built to be 155, maybe 165 will be okay, it's not set in stone, but I have an honest friend at they gym (also my trainer) and we're doing the 10 lb pictures (once I lose 10 lbs... whole other story there, unrelated to your issues, so not going into it) so I don't lose perspective (I actually have three doctors in on it too) and I don't lose too much and I get to what's healthy for me... and you know what? If it's 170, I'm okay with that too.
Good luck and don't give up!!!0 -
yes, i agree...i do not tell anyone that i am trying to lose weight, nor would i say how much i want to lose. it invites too many critics.
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It'll never end, especially if you're surrounded by people who are also overweight. Just stop mentioning it and see what happens. If they're watching you and start complaining that you're not eating as much as you used to, just say that you already ate and aren't very hungry right now. That normally works for me.0
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I have a friend that was close to 300 lbs but when I looked at her, I just never saw it. She wanted to get the bypass surgery and I kept trying to talk her out of it. I told her she wasn't that heavy and she could easily lose it on her own. Needless to say she got the surgery and now when I look at her before pictures, I clearly see that she was in trouble. Sometimes, when you love someone, they just look perfect through your eyes.0
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I stopped telling people how much "I" wanted to lose AND how much I actually weighed, nobody believed I am that heavy and the amount I want to lose seems like a lot to them....
Good luck and don't give up!!!
Nobody ever believed that I weighed almost 260lbs. I get jaw drops when I tell people what I really weighed. They were stunned. "no way you weigh that much." But I did. I've almost lost 50, and they still are surprised when I tell them how much I weigh. I guess tall weighs more than you think? I don't know.
I agree to stop talking numbers with them. Everybody has their own opinion about everything, even though they are probably wrong. Some people express theirs more forcefully than others. I'm lucky that my hubs is supportive of my weightloss. He'd been making fun of me for years. Now that I'm actually doing it and he is seeing the progress, he has stopped making fun of my diet and is now supporting me. As best he can, anyway. He's not the most positive human being by a long shot.
Do what is right for you, and maybe they'll jump on board soon. Either way, there are lots of nice, supportive people on here. We want you to win. :flowerforyou:0 -
Rather than trying to discourage you, it is more likely that they don't really know what to say. They probably want to be polite and make you feel better. It puts them in a awkward position when you say "I'm fat" because there is almost nothing they can say that will seem like the right response to them. So while having a honest perspective is good for you, you probably need to tailor your conversation with others and maybe focus more on positives like getting fit, eating better, etc.0
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People who love and care about you, especially if they have their own weight issues (IMHO), have no clue. It's best to just keep your plans mostly to yourself, especially if feedback like that is discouraging and will keep you from your goals. Just keep it to wanting to be healthier, eat better foods, cut down portions, do more exercise, etc. Weight loss will just be a side effect of that and they'll see that losing that much weight won't really be that bad or dangerous in the end. People in my life knew I was overweight and unfit but when I've answered questions about how much weight I lost or how heavy I'd gotten, they're usually floored.
My husband actually had the opposite reaction. I was about 260 when I started and my initial goal was to get to 150 - he said "why don't you try for 120?". LOL! I'd be skin and bones at that weight! But he had a girlfriend (who was shorter than me btw) who weighed that and he thought it was pretty perfect.0 -
Thanks so much, folks. You're right most of my family has weight issues. I will take the advice to not shoot for a specific number and keep my weight loss plans to myself. ????0
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I would like to cheer you on!!!!!! Keep it to yourself. People feel guilty about themselves if someone near to them had accepted that they have a weight issue......the word fat is scary to some people.......but not scary enough to do something........because they cannot accept that they should do something to improve themselves. Please do not let this get you down.....go for it......Good luck0
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