The Funny Bone

Aero1dynamic
Aero1dynamic Posts: 702 Member
Let's face it....we could all use a good laugh now and then.

The rules are simple...there aren't any.

Just post any joke, funny story or even gifs that you'd like to share!


I'll start...
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several priceless paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

(scroll down)




(brace yourself)





(this is going to hurt.)






(really bad.)



"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Replies

  • Aero1dynamic
    Aero1dynamic Posts: 702 Member
    Ok...I'll take another turn.


    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
    (you're gonna love this)




    (its a real treat)




    (a masterpiece)




    (wait for it)




    The bank manager looks back at her and says...
    "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
    (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
  • Ali_momof2
    Ali_momof2 Posts: 478 Member
    giphy.gif
  • Aero1dynamic
    Aero1dynamic Posts: 702 Member
    In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young blond woman wearing
    a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

    So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

    Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

    With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

    The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
  • Aero1dynamic
    Aero1dynamic Posts: 702 Member
    Posted this on another thread but thought it applied...At least, I got a good laugh from it




    The Evolution of Mom

    Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

    Your Clothes -

    1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

    2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

    3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

    The Baby's Name -

    1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

    2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

    3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

    Preparing for the Birth -

    1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

    2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

    3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

    The Layette -

    1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

    2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

    3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

    Worries -

    1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

    2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

    3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

    Activities -

    1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

    2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

    3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

    Going Out -

    1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

    2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

    3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

    At Home -

    1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

    2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

    3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,765 Member
    I try to make my page interesting every day. Yesterday was disgusting body facts. Today has been phobias. Tomorrow is acronym Friday (my friends are evil...and I love each and every one of them).

    Gephyrophobia or Gephydrophobia or Gephysrophobia is a fear of crossing bridges.
  • JustinAnimal
    JustinAnimal Posts: 1,335 Member
    At a local school, a chemistry teacher got so angry at a student he threw sodium chloride in the kid's face!

    It was a salt.

    Get it... assault! Works way better when told verbally.
  • chivalryder
    chivalryder Posts: 4,391 Member
    These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
    8 years old,
    Hateful little *kitten*.
    Bites!

    FREE PUPPIES
    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

    FREE PUPPIES.
    Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
    Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

    COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
    Also 1 gay bull for sale.

    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    Must sell washer and dryer £100.

    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
    Worn once by mistake.
    Call Stephanie.

    **** And the WINNER is... ****

    FOR SALE BY OWNER.
    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
    Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.









    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    Children Are Quick
    ____________________________________

    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
    __________________________________________
    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
    (I Love this child)
    ____________________________________________
    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
    __________________________________
    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!
    __________________________________________
    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
    _______________________________________
    ______________________________
    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
    Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
    ______________________________________
    TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
    ______________________________
    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
    Did you copy his?
    CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

    (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
    ___________________________________
    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher
  • This one gets me every time.

    53fe5fc8868d0c22432d761d3ad1a6ed.jpg
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,765 Member
    th?id=HN.607995716756766912&pid=15.1&P=0
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,780 Member
    "The Funny Bone" used to be my nickname in college....















    by my ex-girl friends :sad:
  • Aero1dynamic
    Aero1dynamic Posts: 702 Member
    :laugh: :laugh:
    "The Funny Bone" used to be my nickname in college....















    by my ex-girl friends :sad:
  • SlimJanette
    SlimJanette Posts: 597 Member
    A little long but so funny!

    Yoga mat for sale. Used once. - $1 (Bellevue)

    Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

    11:45a
    Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

    11:55a
    Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

    11:57a
    I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

    11:58a
    The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

    11:59a
    Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

    12:00p
    Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

    12:02p
    Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

    12:10p
    It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

    12:26p
    It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

    12:33p
    It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

    12:40p
    The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

    12:44p
    I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

    12:52p
    It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

    12:55p
    This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

    1:01p
    140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, *****, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

    1:09p
    150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
    I lose consciousness.

    1:15p
    I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish *****. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

    1:17p
    I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

    1:20p
    It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

    1:30p
    Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

    1:34p
    My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

    1:37p
    The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

    1:47p
    Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

    3:47p
    Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

    4:29p
    Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,765 Member
    th?id=HN.608040990005789101&pid=15.1&P=0
  • Illini_Jim
    Illini_Jim Posts: 419 Member
    A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant. A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster. After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster.

    The rooster proceeds to eats three baskets of apples. The waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.

    The sheik explains, "A genie granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable C0ck"
  • ren_ascent
    ren_ascent Posts: 432 Member
    bump
  • I am sitting at the desk in my office laughing super loud and people are looking at me like i am crazy. That was a good one. I have small kids so this one is corny but I laughed so hard I had a stomach ache. Courtesy of my seven year old daughter.

    What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

    nacho cheese
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,346 Member
    http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-571-Banana-Slicer/product-reviews/B0047E0EII/ref=dp_db_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

    What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on your front porch?
    Matt

    What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the ocean?
    Bob

    What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on your wall?
    Art

    Bonus: What do you call a dog with no legs?

    Nothing, he won't come anyway!
  • Aero1dynamic
    Aero1dynamic Posts: 702 Member
    At last, a bumper sticker for both parties.

    FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.
    The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state.

    "RUN HILLARY RUN"

    Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
    Republicans put it on the front bumper.
  • OlyCapitalChick
    OlyCapitalChick Posts: 236 Member
    fda3a01dc17127608a5209cef0fe1100_zpse90df6b2.jpg
  • wolfsbayne
    wolfsbayne Posts: 3,116 Member
    Ok...I'll take another turn.


    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
    (you're gonna love this)




    (its a real treat)




    (a masterpiece)




    (wait for it)




    The bank manager looks back at her and says...
    "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
    (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

    I really did sing it..lol