Feeling Hopeless...

fitashleetime
fitashleetime Posts: 15
in Motivation and Support
I've recently been diagnosed with EDNOS (specifically the categories of binge eating and anorexia). I have been going to therapy and attempting to eat healthier. My therapist and I decided that I could count calories (if I wanted) and try to lose the unhealthy weight (but nothing more than that).

I just started recording with MFP a few days ago and just had my first huge binge (since recording). I wasn't hungry, I was stressed - exhausted - depressed - and so much more. I feel embarrassed and ashamed.

I feel like just giving up, but I also don't want to give up. I want to be healthy again and I want to overcome this, and I believe a part of me battling to overcome my eating disorder is for me to start living a healthy life with regular eating habits. It's just difficult when I haven't even gone a week and I've already failed. Any progress I made I feel like I just threw away.

Falling back into old habits seems so much easier than trying to be healthy. It's so conflicting. The ED is so tempting, so familiar.

Anyone else on here struggle with an ED? Has anyone overcome their ED?

Replies

  • christygb
    christygb Posts: 84 Member
    Recently, something changed in my thinking about how to respond to my unhealthy choices. I decided to not rush to self-loathing, but to ask myself, what is this behavior teaching me? What positive reward am I getting from this behavior? I find that if I view my challenges with humility, and take a long-term approach to healing my ED, then I'm able to bounce back more quickly and I'm making some positive strides.

    In the past I'd feel horribly guilty for my choices. Now I try to put some thought into the psychological reasons for the binge, and strategize, very dispassionately, about how I can make different choices next time.

    I wish you the best,
    Christy
  • scottrs1230
    scottrs1230 Posts: 14
    Don't punish yourself for an old habit just believe that soon one day you will break it. Old habits are hard to break but it can be done, you fell off the wagon now get back up brush yourself off and continue riding. This is a long road and it's not a race so set your goal on finishing and enjoying your reward after.
  • fitashleetime
    fitashleetime Posts: 15
    Recently, something changed in my thinking about how to respond to my unhealthy choices. I decided to not rush to self-loathing, but to ask myself, what is this behavior teaching me? What positive reward am I getting from this behavior? I find that if I view my challenges with humility, and take a long-term approach to healing my ED, then I'm able to bounce back more quickly and I'm making some positive strides.

    In the past I'd feel horribly guilty for my choices. Now I try to put some thought into the psychological reasons for the binge, and strategize, very dispassionately, about how I can make different choices next time.

    I wish you the best,
    Christy

    Thanks for the idea and the positive words :)
    Already feeling a bit better and trying to not be so down on myself for my actions.
  • Natihilator
    Natihilator Posts: 1,778 Member
    My personal opinion is that in general, I don't think someone at the beginning of recovering from and ED should be counting calories. If you think you're ready, try it out, but if you find you start obsessing over the numbers that you see when tracking your food intake or find, don't feel bad or guilty about taking a break from it.

    Best of luck :smile:
  • fitashleetime
    fitashleetime Posts: 15
    Don't get too down on yourself for a slip up. Recovery doesn't happen overnight. You have a therapist and are trying, so that's what matters.
    I struggled off and on with anorexia the last 19 years. I don't know if substituting drinking for obsessive dieting can really count as overcoming, but I did that for years, which is mostly how I put on weight. Now that im drinking a LOT less, guess what seems to be creeping back in?
    I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa but strangely was never really treated. In times of stress or depression, it seeps in. I'm not sure if my mind will ever fully heal. But it's worth trying.
    Don't give up... You are worth your recovery. You are worthy of happiness. Your worth is not determined by your weight, size, or what you eat. You are worthy of love, and you are capable of learning to love yourself. And forgive yourself when you mess up. If you wouldn't say it to someone you love, don't say it to yourself.
    I don't always take my own advice, like I think "these things are true for everyone except me, for I am a horrible person." But I know that that is the old sickness talking.

    Thank you. That also reminds me that I didn't gain this weight overnight either. It took several years of binging and restricting to get to where I am.
    I hope you are doing alright and don't let it creep back in! I know how easy it is to let it creep in. Good luck to you. Thanks again.
  • fitashleetime
    fitashleetime Posts: 15
    Don't punish yourself for an old habit just believe that soon one day you will break it. Old habits are hard to break but it can be done, you fell off the wagon now get back up brush yourself off and continue riding. This is a long road and it's not a race so set your goal on finishing and enjoying your reward after.

    Thank you, I'm trying to see it that way!
  • fitashleetime
    fitashleetime Posts: 15
    My personal opinion is that in general, I don't think someone at the beginning of recovering from and ED should be counting calories. If you think you're ready, try it out, but if you find you start obsessing over the numbers that you see when tracking your food intake or find, don't feel bad or guilty about taking a break from it.

    Best of luck :smile:

    I agree, my therapist said I am not allowed to obsess and have to let myself "guesstimate" to some degree while recording (I often get obsessive with weighing food and making sure I get the exact calories). I don't feel like I am obsessing over the calories at this moment. I know I binged though and did not track my binge either. I'm more upset that I lost control than I am about the number of calories I ate.

    Thank you though :smile:
  • bowamor
    bowamor Posts: 5 Member
    Life isn't about how many times you fail but about how many times you pick yourself back up. Recommit yourself. If you mess up, don't beat yourself up, but get back on track as soon as you can. Ask yourself why you are bingeing it is usually out of fear, anxiousness, or stress. Find new habits to do while you are feeling those things. Like chewing gum, go for a walk, do your nails, do something with your hands, etc. It is going to take time, and you probably will struggle again but just keep at it. Something that can really help is to write in a journal about your feelings. After 10 mins or however long it takes to get your feelings out, you will feel better. Try and be consistent. I wish you the best of luck! I have been there and it really sucks.
  • fitashleetime
    fitashleetime Posts: 15
    Thank you, that's a great idea! I will think of what I can do instead of binging. :smile:
  • madyncaden
    madyncaden Posts: 290 Member
    I have searched these threads for the past 2 days and just read and leave......I was recently diagnosed with EDNOS, and I am so lost. I always knew I had something goin on more than I just like to eat or I have no will power so this is not surprising to me. But I am now at the point of feeling even more lost since being dignosed and not knowing what to do. I am seeing a counselor and have only had one face to face meeting a week ago and thats when my life turned upside down. I go back tomorrow and cant wait, but have struggled this whole week since I saw her. I have no idea if this will even be seen and not sure why I am even writing on here since it has nothing to do with your thread or if I will even post this. I am looking for others that have been in my situation or that are going through it to help me realize I am not alone and that this can get better and I can stop feeling crazy.
  • SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage
    SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage Posts: 2,668 Member
    I don't know anything about EDs but I just wanted to comment that one slip up does not make you a failure. You are not a failure. Recovery is not going to happen overnight, just like your recovery will not be totally derailed by one bad day. You're doing great, just keep going. :heart:

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