Best friend ignoring me!

unfinishedtimpani
unfinishedtimpani Posts: 2
in Chit-Chat
Sorry if the title sounds a bit whiny teenage girl, but I don't know what to do. I've got two best friends of over 25 years and despite living in separate corners of the country, we make the effort to all meet up together a few times a year. This is generally not a problem, but I've noticed recently that one of my friends doesn't seem to want to meet up if it's just the two of us together.

Earlier this year, the three of us signed up to do a race in my hometown. A month before the race, one dropped out due to family commitments, so I got in contact with the other friend to organise her coming to stay the night before. No reply. I sent emails, text messages, Facebook messages and called, but she didn't get back to me! A couple of days before the race, I sent her another message via Facebook, as I could see she was active there. She finally replied saying she couldn't make it. I did the race on my own.

Now, I'm facing the same problem again! A couple of months ago, I tried to organise for the three of us to all go to a concert together in a different city. She replied really fast and accepted. A day after sending the message, the other friend told us she had family commitments again and turned it down. I got back to the friend who'd accepted and we expressed that it was a shame, but we started looking for a hotel room for the night. I found a few possible rooms and emailed her for her opinion. Nothing. I found a few more, so emailed those over. Still nothing. This was 3 weeks ago and I've sent her further messages and calls via every medium I can think of again, but she doesn't reply (once again, I can see she's around, as she's active on Facebook and I know she's in work)! The hotel room nearest to the concert venue is now fully booked and the next nearest is getting close to being booked up, so I'm getting a bit fed up. I get the impression that she doesn't want to go now it's just the two of us on our own and that hurts. I've asked her outright (politely!) to tell me if she doesn't want to go. I've bought her a ticket, so I need to try to sell that if she's not coming.

Also, the other friend is trying to organise a weekend with the three of us in the ignoring friend's city, the weekend after I was trying to plan the concert weekend. I don't really want to go if she has a problem with me, as it's too upsetting for me. This is really getting me down, as I don't have many friends where I live and it's making me feel very lonely. I was going to ask the other friend if she'd heard from her, but wasn't going to say why. I don't want to make things awkward between the three of us.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'm not sure what to do. I've never fallen out with a friend before.

TL;DR - Friend is ignoring me, tried to contact her to no avail. Need advice.

Replies

  • Ulwaz
    Ulwaz Posts: 380 Member
    if they dont want to contact you, forget them and move on, life is too short to waste your time on people who obviously dont care about you, i know its hard same has happened to me but its better to find the people that matter and focus on them :)
  • missylee117
    missylee117 Posts: 66 Member
    don't sound like good friends to me, I don't care how many years you guys been friends, let them move on and you do the same, if they are making you un happy leave them be, if they are true friends they will find you, if not, then your just being unfair to yourself, move on out and let them be, you cant figure out whats wrong with them. I know its hard but you can do it , live your life and be happy within yourself!!!! Good luck
  • Alluminati
    Alluminati Posts: 6,208 Member
    Sometimes friends drift apart only to come back together at a later date. Especially if there is distance involved. Either talk to her about it or leave her alone for now.
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  • blossomingbutterfly
    blossomingbutterfly Posts: 743 Member
    if they dont want to contact you, forget them and move on, life is too short to waste your time on people who obviously dont care about you, i know its hard same has happened to me but its better to find the people that matter and focus on them :)

    This.

    Sometimes you drift apart and that's life. It's sad but it's life. Nothing you can do about it and you shouldn't waste your time, effort, and emotion over it if she doesn't want it. Focus on those that do want to see you.
  • gabrielleelliott90
    gabrielleelliott90 Posts: 854 Member
    I would just forget about her. I know it won't be easy, but you are worth more than hanging onto someone who is not worth your time, to put it politely. She isn't worth it. This happens to a lot of people, even with friends for years. It's a one sided friendship, and just best to ditch. In a few months time, you would of forgotten about it.
  • Spnneil06
    Spnneil06 Posts: 18,745 Member
    find a new friend...You deserve better!
  • TheRealJigsaw
    TheRealJigsaw Posts: 295 Member
    Time to move on
  • PatriziaGen
    PatriziaGen Posts: 23 Member
    It's sad and you have 2 choices - you confront her and figure out the problem in order to restore the friendship OR you move along.

    Like Oprah Winfrey says: Don't want, what doesn't want you.

    If it's bothering you so much, move along.

    When things of the sort happen to me, I remind myself that life is a huge automated highway with cogs turning at all times. Sometimes, things need to move along and you can't compromise the functioning of the highway because one cog popped out - just replace it.

    Get social and find friends which are closer in distance to you and can be supportive all year through, rather than x times a year.

    Good luck!
  • sunglasses_and_ocean_waves
    sunglasses_and_ocean_waves Posts: 2,757 Member
    my ex bestie did this to me when my son wasn't well, and I confronted her about it, but she feigned ignorance. So I let it go. It sucked at first. but really, what are you going to do? I don't care who they are, I'm not kissing someone's butt.

    She contacted me a few years later wanting to be friends again, and I said no. I don't need people who treat me like that.
  • unfinishedtimpani
    unfinishedtimpani Posts: 2
    I do worry that me cutting ties with one friend will change the dynamic of the group. The three of us have been friends for such a long time. I have been friends with the other girl for 33 years and would hate to lose that friendship too by making things awkward for her.
  • sunglasses_and_ocean_waves
    sunglasses_and_ocean_waves Posts: 2,757 Member
    I do worry that me cutting ties with one friend will change the dynamic of the group. The three of us have been friends for such a long time. I have been friends with the other girl for 33 years and would hate to lose that friendship too by making things awkward for her.

    the dynamics *have* changed. There's nothing you can do now. I'm sorry.
  • Liftng4Lis
    Liftng4Lis Posts: 15,151 Member
    I had this happen with a very long time friend when I was going through a divorce, after my ex-cheated AGAIN. She apparently couldn't handle all the stress in my life, (nice friend right). I'd say she was showing her true colors and you're better without her; so my advice:
    Just break up!
  • paygep
    paygep Posts: 401 Member
    I have two friends I always used to spend a lot of time with, and they always seemed very friendly toward each other when we were all together. Life changed and we all ended up in different cities. Since then, I have spent many good times with each of them, however one of the two expressed to me at one point how the other stopped replying to her messages and calls, in a similar way as your friend. I still have a good relationship with each separately, but the one friend was hurt and offended by the other's neglect. It's sad for me, because I too always considered all three of us together as "besties", but apparently the one doesn't want to spend time with the other if I'm not involved. I think it's weird, I did spend some time trying to nudge the one toward making an effort to engage the other but it didn't work. Final straw was when the one invited the other to be her bridesmaid, which she not only declined, but didn't even go to the wedding at all. I was maid of honor, lol. Anyway, now they only have a very superficial relationship through social media. But of course my one friend now makes no attempt at making plans involving the other. Sad, but that's life.
  • BekaBooluvsu
    BekaBooluvsu Posts: 470 Member
    Sounds like you need new friends. Don't feel bad. My own mother stopped talking to me because for the first time in almost 20 years I weigh less than her. If someone doesn't like the new me I don't waste my time with them. Good luck! Big hugs!
  • p8liwag
    p8liwag Posts: 919 Member
    Yawn... oh sorry bye
  • Artionis
    Artionis Posts: 105 Member
    Have a conversation (not a "confrontation"). Be honest and frank. Ask about her distancing herself from you. Find out the problem.
    You can't repair a rift in a relationship without knowing what caused the rift.

    It could be that she has moved on to other friends. It happens. People come into and out of our lives (yes, even after 25 years.) No one has to be the"bad guy" here. Ask all the questions, then the two of you will know whether or not the relationship will continue. If not, then just get on with your life and leave her alone.
  • doctorsookie
    doctorsookie Posts: 1,084 Member
    book yourself a room before it's too late but try and book it through a place that allows changes like adding it removing a person. Email, text, and PM her on FB with all the details (this way she can't claim later she don't get it) one final time with the details and ask her when she will be arriving so you'll know when to be expecting her. This will force to have to respond one way or another to sa yay or nay. However, if she doesn't respond, sell her ticket, take her off the hotel bill, and move on. You do deserve more. If shes angry for a particular reason she should at least show respect and say what it is after this many years of friendship. I'm sorry you are being shat on (I know that's how you feel and I know how that feels). Life is short...live hard.
  • sunglasses_and_ocean_waves
    sunglasses_and_ocean_waves Posts: 2,757 Member
    Yawn... oh sorry bye

    any chance you could be ruder? :wink: Thanks sugar.
  • Miss_1999
    Miss_1999 Posts: 747 Member
    Yawn... oh sorry bye

    any chance you could be ruder? :wink: Thanks sugar.

    Bless her heart, she's probably still a kid and doesn't know any better. :laugh:

    OP, I'd confront your friend, like some others have mentioned by phone. Be kind, but matter of fact. Get to the root of the issue, if indeed, there is one. If she has a problem with you, or if there's something wrong, you at the VERY least deserve to know. As it stands, she's at the VERY least avoiding you for one reason or another. Now whether or not it's because she's angry with you, or she just no longer feels that she has anything in common with you, and simply doesn't want to spend time with you, we just don't know? On either account, I can understand being in your position. I know what it's like to be hurt by friendships that I *thought* were genuine, only to be avoided, and slighted, and never have the answers I needed. That hurts more than anything- BUT realize, often times, it speaks volumes about THEM, and NOT you.

    What it comes down to with your other friend is this- If friend A (ignoring friend) is only coming around because friend B (BFF of 33 years) is someone she has something in common with, and friend B isn't a good enough friend to you, to realize that friend A has been avoiding you like the Plague, and making you feel like ****, and she "dumps" you too, she's not a real friend, either. I have a lot of friends, that just don't mesh with one another. I do things with them separately. I know for years the three of you have been doing things together, and planning activities together, but this may be the year that things have to change. If a resolve isn't reached with friend A, then cut ties. You don't need anyone in your life who doesn't need you. Let friend B know that you value her friendship, and be very honest. Let her know how hard you tried, and that it just simply didn't work out with friend A, that you'd like for the two of you (you and friend B) to do things together when able, and you'd love to continue to keep in touch, that you truly hate this is the way things have ended up, but sometimes this is just the cards life deals.

    Best of luck to you. Keep your head up.
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,341 Member
    Message her and just say "Hey, haven't heard from you, so just letting you know I'm selling your ticket to XXX because I can't afford to cop it if you don't show up. Let me know if you want to catch up sometime" and leave it at that.

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