Need my Dear Abby! Personal girly advice please...
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jamielee37
Posts: 57 Member
in Chit-Chat
So I've been having issues with a few old friends. We're all 23/24 now and were absolutely inseparable during high school years and after. And just as background info, I think alot of my feelings of loneliness stem from a HUGE lack of support during this time last year, when my normally lovely boyfriend was dealing with his mother passing away, and I was barely holding both of us together.
My issue is with two friends. "Ellen" (not her name) and I were very close and did alot of things together after high school, but usually I initiated them. While I sometimes resent her for this, it never bothered me because the friendship was more important to me than that. She went to school about 30-40 minutes away and I commuted to school for the first two years, so it wasn't a problem for me to go see her. When I went away, she always said she'd come visit but never did. I always tried to see her when I was home, but even after driving 3 hours! she would still say that she "didn't feel like driving" and i'd have to go get her. Habitually doesn't return calls or texts, but tells me how much she misses us hanging out. I'll offer to pay for our meal or something once in a while, and she rarely returns the favor. She'll even drop a phone call/internet chat mid conversation and just never answer back. And while she could never come visit me at school, she will get mad if when I go back to visit friends there I don't take her too, since now her sister goes there. Even with these seemingly deal breaker things, I would have called her one of my best friends.
"Anna" and I were super close as well. She was always the boy crazy one and always had a boyfriend, so although we saw less of her, we still talked about EVERYTHING. We kept in touch after high school, but it was much less since she went to school and had a fiance. She got married in 2007 and I was one of her maids of honor. Like my other friend, I can't get her to return a phone call. (btw, i'm not stalkerish, i'm talking like I tried to contact her like once a month, maybe)
The following February, she calls me hysterical and asks if she can come stay with me at college, and of course I drop my plans and invite her (Husband was cheating). This was maybe Thursday or so, and I drop my plans to go out of town with college friends and wait...all weekend...to hear from her. Later the next week I hear from her and pretty much get a "there was a snowstorm" response. I barely hear from her again until after we graduate (2009) to tell me that she's back in our hometown and she's pregnant. Okay, I think, second chances, and we kept light contact. She invited me to her shower and such, and a week or so later she has the baby. Plans get dropped for me to visit the hospital, but again I had cancelled my plans when she said she needed me. I don't hear from her until July, she invites me out with work friends. She even tells me that "I'm such a bad friend!" and in my hope to have my old friend back, I tell her its okay. A month later she tells me that her husband cheated again, might have kid by another woman, but that Anna is pregnant again too! She asks me to contact her, with again, no response, and I just stop returning any contact. Got some texts and stuff over the holidays, ignored them.
Then...the kicker. She private messages me on Facebook and sends a very bland, two line "seems like you're great, hope you're doing well message." I sent her something about me not being as happy as I want to be about my life and thanks.
For someone that wanted me to be such a huge part of their big moments, what is the deal? When I asked both them for help, more than once, with my tough situation last year, just an ear to listen to me, why couldn't they give me a few minutes? I don't think a few minutes a month for both these girls who call me their best friend is too much.
I know the writing is on the wall, but i'm really struggling with the 'end' of these relationships. I've had it with being a door mat. I've been there when they need me to be, but any time I ask them, they can't be bothered. I know both have had some family issues going on, but does this excuse their behavior? Would it be appropriate to write to them to tell them how I feel (within reason, I'm not about to hurt anyone) or am I just seeking something that I won't receive?
WHEW! Sorry that was so long. I have alot on my mind!!
My issue is with two friends. "Ellen" (not her name) and I were very close and did alot of things together after high school, but usually I initiated them. While I sometimes resent her for this, it never bothered me because the friendship was more important to me than that. She went to school about 30-40 minutes away and I commuted to school for the first two years, so it wasn't a problem for me to go see her. When I went away, she always said she'd come visit but never did. I always tried to see her when I was home, but even after driving 3 hours! she would still say that she "didn't feel like driving" and i'd have to go get her. Habitually doesn't return calls or texts, but tells me how much she misses us hanging out. I'll offer to pay for our meal or something once in a while, and she rarely returns the favor. She'll even drop a phone call/internet chat mid conversation and just never answer back. And while she could never come visit me at school, she will get mad if when I go back to visit friends there I don't take her too, since now her sister goes there. Even with these seemingly deal breaker things, I would have called her one of my best friends.
"Anna" and I were super close as well. She was always the boy crazy one and always had a boyfriend, so although we saw less of her, we still talked about EVERYTHING. We kept in touch after high school, but it was much less since she went to school and had a fiance. She got married in 2007 and I was one of her maids of honor. Like my other friend, I can't get her to return a phone call. (btw, i'm not stalkerish, i'm talking like I tried to contact her like once a month, maybe)
The following February, she calls me hysterical and asks if she can come stay with me at college, and of course I drop my plans and invite her (Husband was cheating). This was maybe Thursday or so, and I drop my plans to go out of town with college friends and wait...all weekend...to hear from her. Later the next week I hear from her and pretty much get a "there was a snowstorm" response. I barely hear from her again until after we graduate (2009) to tell me that she's back in our hometown and she's pregnant. Okay, I think, second chances, and we kept light contact. She invited me to her shower and such, and a week or so later she has the baby. Plans get dropped for me to visit the hospital, but again I had cancelled my plans when she said she needed me. I don't hear from her until July, she invites me out with work friends. She even tells me that "I'm such a bad friend!" and in my hope to have my old friend back, I tell her its okay. A month later she tells me that her husband cheated again, might have kid by another woman, but that Anna is pregnant again too! She asks me to contact her, with again, no response, and I just stop returning any contact. Got some texts and stuff over the holidays, ignored them.
Then...the kicker. She private messages me on Facebook and sends a very bland, two line "seems like you're great, hope you're doing well message." I sent her something about me not being as happy as I want to be about my life and thanks.
For someone that wanted me to be such a huge part of their big moments, what is the deal? When I asked both them for help, more than once, with my tough situation last year, just an ear to listen to me, why couldn't they give me a few minutes? I don't think a few minutes a month for both these girls who call me their best friend is too much.
I know the writing is on the wall, but i'm really struggling with the 'end' of these relationships. I've had it with being a door mat. I've been there when they need me to be, but any time I ask them, they can't be bothered. I know both have had some family issues going on, but does this excuse their behavior? Would it be appropriate to write to them to tell them how I feel (within reason, I'm not about to hurt anyone) or am I just seeking something that I won't receive?
WHEW! Sorry that was so long. I have alot on my mind!!
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Replies
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I have friends like this too and struggle with telling them how I feel. I definently think a letter or something is a good idea. (i should take my own advice) but I would love to hear what others have to say as well0
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A lot of friendships don't end with a bang, they simply die off quietly. Neither of these girls seem to remember the most important part of a friendship: You're not the only important one in it. And I think all of us have been there at some point, especially when we're young and there is so much going on in our lives after HS/college.
You could write them and tell them your feelings, but having been in your place on many occasions, the letters would be more for you to get your thoughts out than will be used by them to make a change. If it makes you feel better to let them know what you feel, then by all means you should write them. But if you write them expecting a change, you're probably better off saving your keystrokes.
It's a hard thing to lose a friend, much less two of them that have been with you for so long. But that's part of growing up. Sometimes you simply outgrow those who used to mean so much to you. It doesn't mean that you don't love them, or even that they don't love you. It's just simply time to move on.0 -
Sometimes its just better to move on and find friends that WILL help you in return. I've been burned by friends in the past and this is what I do now. I help you once but if you don't return the favour, don't ask again. I know its cruel but you have to be there for you and if you need someone then you can count on then these 2 won't be there. Sorry. I'm not saying don't be friends with them, just don't set yourself up to be disspointed when they don't help.0
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You do have a lot on your mind, but best to get it out.
My advice, having gone through similar, would be to draw a line in the sand and move on from them. I wouldn't tell them how you feel because in all honesty it sounds like it will fall on deaf ears. You won't be heard, so it's not worth the effort on your part. However, I think you do need support and help to get you through the 'ending' of these friendships and allow you closure. So, whilst I wouldn't recommend telling them how you feel, I would recommend telling someone. I think it would be worth having a few sessions with a counsellor, and it will let you have the release you need, maybe offer you support for the other things that have gone on in the past year or so, and give you the closure you're looking for.
You sound a lovely and good person. Good luck with whatever you choose to do, and keep smiling
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Wow, all I thought while reading this is that both these ladies really are not your friends. I found that most of my highschool best girl friends i'm no longer in touch with anymore. And i'm kinda thankful for that considering most of them were takers and did not realize friendship is a give and take relationship, where you are there for each other when you need be
I'm glad you are done being a doormat like you said, you deserve better friendship than that. As for writing to them, I would only do so if it is going to give you closure to be able to move on. I would not write them if your hoping to seek a certain response because you probably won't get it unfortunatly 
I don't know if this helped you but I wish you all the best with your situation
*Hugs*0 -
For crying out loud! Who would WANT friends like that?? Cut your losses and end those miserable relationships! I had to do this exact thing last year with a friend who would call me for help and expect me to drop everything at once, but she wouldn't do anything for me in return, or even seem grateful for the help I gave.
She and her husband came and stayed with us, TOTALLY FREE!! when we lived in New Zealand. We even had to drive 4 hours each way to get them from the airport and they used our car the whole time they were there. Barely a squeak of thanks.
Anyway, we had words last year about our personality conflicts and she said she didn't like that I was so frugal. Well, she didn't seem to care at all when she was living for free with us, food and all, for two weeks in the most expensive place I have ever lived.
I could go on and on with the crazy details of this story, but long, long story short, giving that much energy, with not a reasonable amount of friendship in return, helped me to realize that I don't need that life sucking type of friend. We no longer speak and it truly has been a relief, after the initial sting wore off. I realized that she was just using me most of the time as her DD so she could party it up and know she had a way home.
Please, you are young, don't waste your time, worry or energy on friends that are only fair weather friends. There are better things in life to devote your energy too.
Best of luck. Just make the decision and make it a clean break if that is the way you decide to take it. You'll thank yourself. I know I have.
You may consider reading the book 100 Ways to Simplify Your Life. The book is an easy read and it addresses this topic and many others that can help you breath a sign of relief.0 -
Thank you all
I think I knew alot of what you all said all along but I think its hard to turn the mirror on yourself and your feelings. I'm simply looking for something i'm not going to find. It was great that I used to have a great circle of friends, but that now when I fall, I don't have those there to catch me. They are old friends now I guess. I always liked the bra analogy about friends (close to your heart and always there for support) but I think its time to find a new bra!! This one is worn out. 0 -
I can empathize because I had some friends that made me feel like our friendship was a one way street, also. I realized that this world is huge and the chances of finding "true" friends in H. S. is very slim. I'm not saying to give up the friendship with these women, keeping in contact on an friendly level would be great! Just don't expect anything in return and perhaps accept the idea that maybe it is time to move on. People change significantly through the years and friendship (and all that it entails) is crucial to one's well-being. If you are constantly surrounded by negative feelings toward these friends, it might be time to take a step back and really analyze what it is about these "friends" that is keeping you hanging on. If you think the closeness of the friendship is worth salvaging, I would confront your friends on every issue you are concerned with rather than letting it fester and possibly become worse than it could've been.0
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Can I just say that female relationships can be a minefield to maneuver? Am I withdrawing my woman license for admitting such? I envy men and their simpler relationship styles lol.
What can I say darling, your friends fail. They only called you when THEY needed help and never returned the favor. We, as girlfriends, never want to play the tit for tat game or mark a checklist of "I did this" and "you never __________". But just like in all relationships whether with your man or your friends, hate to be all Dr. Phil, but it's like a bank account: you cannot keep on making withdrawals forever.
Hanging up on someone in mid convo or never calling anyone back ever is just crappy behavior. I can understand sometimes when on friend has children and gets married and the other friend doesn't- socializing gets out of sync often. But I can tell you that I've had two close BFF's since I was 18 (I'm now 35) and even though they've moved away, even though we've gone through really difficult times with each other I could rely on them. In the middle of the night- if I needed to talk- I could call them.
I think you need to find new friends. Once you've graduated from college that's usually a lot harder than it sounds. Once you get married and have children it's triply more difficult. So it isn't easy! I feel badly for you b/c finding out or facing the fact that you have invested so much emotional effort into your friendships and then realizing that it amounted to nothing can be very devastating.
My suggestion once you find anyone even near worthy to offer your friendship to: hold them accountable. If they bail on you when you're supposed to go out, SAY SOMETHING. Don't stew, don't be passive aggressive. Just say it. Just say "I was looking forward to seeing you but you no showed, that is not acceptable to me if you want to remain friends" or find some other way to say it.
I know if I no showed on my BFF's they would take me to task, and rightly so! Just b/c you're friends doesn't mean you have the right to steamroll over that friend.0 -
Friends come and go. Rely first on yourself, and second on your family if you are blessed to have some near to you. I had some great relationships in high school but we grew up and grew apart. I've had other close female friends over the years but as our lives changed, the friendships didn't survive. It was really hard losing contact with some of these ladies who I truly loved and respected. The ones that have been there for me: myself & my family (mom & sister, although mom passed 3 years ago). Now I have the husband too.
Its kind of like the weight loss journey. Support is great and can help but ultimately you have to do it yourself and make the choices you need to in order to get to your goal - or not. Its up to you. Whether its job, weight loss, romance. YOU are in control of your destiny. You are either going to be your own best friend or your own worst enemy, which would you rather be?
Good luck.0 -
While friends do come and go, there are friends that CAN last a lifetime and be with you forever. I have friends like that and I'm an introvert! I do not like parties, mingling and am a homebody these days especially. So don't give up.0
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Write the letter then burn it. Don't bother sending it -- your friends aren't interested and you will look like a drama queen, however valid your feelings are (and they are completely valid).
Just fade away. Reply to their bland e-mails equally blandly, if you want, or don't respond at all. Anna and Ellen might notice at first when they want something and you're not there willing to provide it as usual, but I doubt they will put forth real effort to salvage the friendship.
Sorry you have to deal with all this, and good luck!0 -
Friendship shouldn't be so much work!!
Friendship IS give and take.
I, too, have had friends that don't reciprocate. Not that I count and keep a tally......just simply helping each other out when you can. I agree with "mynameisdumbnuts" ( great name :laugh: ) Write the letter and then burn it.
You will find other friends that will be there for you!! I did! And they are SOOOOooooooo much more reliable and will help me out whenever and however they can!!! Good Luck!!!!
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Sounds like you were the 'convenient' friend that they ran to when everybody else got fed up with their BS.
They're not friends, they're leeches. Passive-aggressive leeches. Stay far away.0 -
In high school, I had very few friends and most were guys. I recently got back in touch with one of the girls I was close to in hs, and oddly, she is on here, also. I think most hs friendships fade eventually. You go from seeing someone all the time, to only when you schedule it. Then life just happens. You work more, people get married, have babies, start new lives. I still don't have many friends. I have very few close friends I know I could rely on, and we don't even speak often. But we know we are there for each other. It is hard to lose a cherished friendship, but it has to work both ways. If they don't care, then you should move on. I know it isn't fun. But you will probably find another friend who DOES put in the effort, and it will be worth it. I'm 33, married, with kids. And life is just different. But I love it. I hope you can find peace and closure.0
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Distance, and if one thing I've learned in this life, your friends are *never* forever. Here today and gone tomorrow. Just don't make a big dramatic Scene about it. Just distance.....0
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I don't hang on to relationships other than that of with loved ones and God.
As we grow, we change and develop different mindsets. What me and friends agreed on in HS and what we agree on now are two completely different things. I only even speak to a few people I went to school with and even those conversations take place on Facebook.
We all mature (or not) and become our own people. It's best to surround yourself with like-minded people in life. Granted, diversity is an excellent way to broaden your horizons, but if the differences are going to cause stress - that's not what you need out of life 0 -
I repeat, there ARE good friendships out there! Sure those two you had were poorly managed and crashed and burned. But what I'd like to see is some more positivity about friendships?
This whole thread has been somewhat of a drag on the idea of friendships. I know that if my DH died, or anything else that happened to me, if I needed my friends they WILL be there. Just as I am for them. That is what friendship is about. Some are far better than others obviously. It isn't about quantity, it's about quality. If me, the introvert with a massive case of ADHD can manage to have life long friends ANYONE can lol.
Chin up, you're young and you have a great future. Think of it this way: there are some friends out there that you haven't even discovered, you can start all over and go through amazing times with them!0 -
I really feel for you. I am going through the same thing right now with my 2 best friends. I know the feeling of wanting to hang on to these friendships just because we have known each other for so long (almost 20 years in my case). As we have grown up and had kids, our lives have become so different. I find myself totally disagreeing with the way they live their lives. At the same time I want to save the friendship because these ladies have known me for so long.
I am coming to terms with the fact that these friendships are no longer healthy. It is sad, but true. I am slowy letting go. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work. People grow up and change and no longer fit with us. You will find new friends that share your path in life. :flowerforyou:0 -
I feel your pain! I had something like this happen to me a few months ago where my friend took, and took, and the one time I was not available to her she basically took me out of her life completely. When I asked her about it, she said I wasn't there for her when she needed it, etc. I kindly told her this was ONE time and that since she was pregnant and I knew she was hormonal I really really hoped she was making this decision not on a whim and that I considered her my sister and it would be awful. It really did feel like I was going through a break-up! We were a part of eachothers families and everything...long story short, she went and friended my ex fiance (the one she always talked crap about that cheated on me 2 times) and is now buddy-buddy with him. I don't get it, but I do know that I will never again be a part of a one-way friendship again...it stinks and life is too short to deal with people that can't put forth as much as effort as the other person.
You will feel better eventually! It is REALLY hard finding people to be TRUE friends with...that's why you're taking it so hard because of the way things USED to be..but you just have to let it go gracefully. Hope this helps..or maybe I'm rambling..lol 0
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