sorry, long vent...but, I'm disappointed frustrated w/my hon
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jenX1174
Posts: 154
Last week, feeling inspired by my change, he decided to make some changes too. The changes he decided to make are as follows:
Breakfast: stayed the same nothing, but did change from soda to Gatorade
Lunch: dollar menu items from Burger King to Subway (no veggies, just meat and cheese), and a soda to Gatorade
Snack: Little Debbie cakes or Cheezits to carrot sticks or an apple
Supper (2 nights a week I don't cook): half a frozen Digiorno pepperoni pizza to a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese.
Lunch on weekends: half a frozen pizza or pizza bites to Club crackers, cheese and pepperoni slices
This is what he did his first week. I was so happy with the one change from sweet snacks or junk after work to carrots or an apple. Unfortunately, that was the only healthy change he made and that I could agree with, while he thinks the changes he made were part what he calls " a better than diet", which is a philosophy his diabetic mother follows. He thinks the mac + cheese, or crackers w/pep + cheese, are "better than" half a frozen pizza. I feel he's just trading junk for junk. As for soda, I told him Gatorade wasn't much better and drinking more of it just makes up for the soda he isn't drinking. It would be much better, and cheaper, to drink water.
As for what he would have eaten after this first week, I don't know, because he decide to scrap the whole thing. He says he wants to make changes but can't do it without support. I told him I cannot support a diet like that if the changes aren't going to lead to a healthier lifestyle. I also have enough on my plate with eating better and working out, I just can't carry his load too.
I feel he's an adult -- he knows fruits and vegetables are good for you....that water is the healthiest thing to drink, and that he should cut out all the simple refined starches and sugar. But, he refuses to eat this way. I've told him I don't exactly always enjoy eating a salad, but I do it because it's good for me and it's a good way to knock out a couple of servings of veggies. I don't always like to drink water, but I do it because my body needs it -- more than I want it to sometimes.
I'm sorry, but he's like a big baby sometimes.....I feel like he's put his failure on me because I wasn't supportive enough (we've had another issue w/his meds he should be taking -- he says he'd do better taking them if I put them out for him each day). I work full- time, and have our two kids to take care of. He knows he has extremely high cholesterol and doesn't take his Zocor. He is 6'3" and 297 lbs (not his heaviest), has mild hypertension and should be taking his med for that. Low testosterone, but doesn't take that, and uncontrolled asthma -- but only uses his albuterol for it.
I have just come to a point, where I need to take care of myself and he can do his own thing. He will come to a point where he's tired of feeling like crap --- and it may be a change he is forced to make, and I'm afraid. Our son is 16, but our little girl is almost 4 --- I asked him what he thought about not being around in 10 years.....she'll still be a little girl. He's just so blase' about it.
Okay......sorry about all that, and being so long. I needed to vent, and was wondering if anyone else was in the same unfortunate circumstance health wise with their husband. Thanks for taking the time to listen. :yawn:
edited for typos
Breakfast: stayed the same nothing, but did change from soda to Gatorade
Lunch: dollar menu items from Burger King to Subway (no veggies, just meat and cheese), and a soda to Gatorade
Snack: Little Debbie cakes or Cheezits to carrot sticks or an apple
Supper (2 nights a week I don't cook): half a frozen Digiorno pepperoni pizza to a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese.
Lunch on weekends: half a frozen pizza or pizza bites to Club crackers, cheese and pepperoni slices
This is what he did his first week. I was so happy with the one change from sweet snacks or junk after work to carrots or an apple. Unfortunately, that was the only healthy change he made and that I could agree with, while he thinks the changes he made were part what he calls " a better than diet", which is a philosophy his diabetic mother follows. He thinks the mac + cheese, or crackers w/pep + cheese, are "better than" half a frozen pizza. I feel he's just trading junk for junk. As for soda, I told him Gatorade wasn't much better and drinking more of it just makes up for the soda he isn't drinking. It would be much better, and cheaper, to drink water.
As for what he would have eaten after this first week, I don't know, because he decide to scrap the whole thing. He says he wants to make changes but can't do it without support. I told him I cannot support a diet like that if the changes aren't going to lead to a healthier lifestyle. I also have enough on my plate with eating better and working out, I just can't carry his load too.
I feel he's an adult -- he knows fruits and vegetables are good for you....that water is the healthiest thing to drink, and that he should cut out all the simple refined starches and sugar. But, he refuses to eat this way. I've told him I don't exactly always enjoy eating a salad, but I do it because it's good for me and it's a good way to knock out a couple of servings of veggies. I don't always like to drink water, but I do it because my body needs it -- more than I want it to sometimes.
I'm sorry, but he's like a big baby sometimes.....I feel like he's put his failure on me because I wasn't supportive enough (we've had another issue w/his meds he should be taking -- he says he'd do better taking them if I put them out for him each day). I work full- time, and have our two kids to take care of. He knows he has extremely high cholesterol and doesn't take his Zocor. He is 6'3" and 297 lbs (not his heaviest), has mild hypertension and should be taking his med for that. Low testosterone, but doesn't take that, and uncontrolled asthma -- but only uses his albuterol for it.
I have just come to a point, where I need to take care of myself and he can do his own thing. He will come to a point where he's tired of feeling like crap --- and it may be a change he is forced to make, and I'm afraid. Our son is 16, but our little girl is almost 4 --- I asked him what he thought about not being around in 10 years.....she'll still be a little girl. He's just so blase' about it.
Okay......sorry about all that, and being so long. I needed to vent, and was wondering if anyone else was in the same unfortunate circumstance health wise with their husband. Thanks for taking the time to listen. :yawn:
edited for typos
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Replies
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I say the best motivation for him is watching you..seeing your journey and goals and you meeting them....Maybe try not to push him because it is what you want not exactly what he is ready for ... I KNOW it is hard to want to push others into what we want is best for them but like anything "new" its a step you have to want ...do you understand what I am saying ?? Even if he is trading and eating "some" healthy foods it is a start ...continue to applaud him for that and not so much his faults ....I hope he does rethink his choices but its truly up to him ...And for you I say wtg on choosing a better lifestyle
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This is where I turn when I'm frustrated with those I love - a poem called The Journey by Mary Oliver. This thing has saved me more than once!
The Journey by Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.
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I was, but I realized that I can't force him into changes.
Eventually, I let him start going at his own pace. His 8 egg+cheese+bacon omelettes have turned into 8 egg white+salsa+broccoli omelettes. His two rows of cookies snack has become 2-4 cookies. Sure, I get cranky when he eats 4 cookies while I'm staring at my apple, but it's better than what he was doing before. Those changes do build. Be an inspiration to him without dragging him behind you, and he'll come around on his own.
His "better thans" seem to be flawed, though. Can you have him talk through the nutritional information with you? That's how I've caused some changes in my guy's diet. Not so much "This is so bad for you! You should never eat it!" but more "Can you do me a favour and compare the labels on the two things? I'm curious about the (insert nutritional info you're concerned about)." If he learns it himself, he's far less likely to cover his ears and sing to drown you out.0 -
you need to take care of you and let him do his own thing .If you nag him it wont help I'v been married 30 yrs some thingsI know about .You make the choices for yourself and offer what you are having to the kids.they might join you.But dont Push to hard it always backfired on me when I do .Tak care of you and in time he may follow.0
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OMG! You are his wife, but not his keeper! You are so right, he is an adult an should accept some responsibility. You stay focused on your goals and keep eating your salads and veggies. You can at least set a good example. He is capable of taking his own meds and should be responsible for that too. You keep the home and the kids, so do not feel like you are a slacker. When he gets on your last nerve, take a walk or listen to music...you want to be there for your little girl and she will need you for many years to come. Stay strong, carry your own weight and be happy!0
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Oh geesh, I feel your pain. My husband is considered obese and has Type II diabetes. When he was first diagnosed, I went to the nutrition classes with him. I buy the fruits & veggies, and healthy snacks are always in the house. I serve up fish and chicken. I told him about MFP. I invite him to walk with me or go to the FREE gym he has access to at work. I've done it all. He's lost a few lbs & I praise him & compliment him, but he's once again losing motivation. I'm frustrated too. :grumble: Makes me mad when I find a receipt in his pocket on laundry day and see he's hit Wendy's or Sonic.
What am I to do?
Hubby NEEDS to eat better & lose weight, but like you, I cannot do it for him! You can only do so much, they have to want it for themselves. Just give him love and praise, and set a good example. Hang tough! :flowerforyou:0 -
I'm going to disagree with some people here.
Yes, you're his wife, not his mommy. Clearly, his mommy didn't teach him good eating habits though! He just might not know what to look for, or how to prepare quick, healthier foods that taste great.
I would say that it's part of a spouse's responsibility to speak up if they are concerned about their partner's health. I'm only 23. My fiance's aunt died of a heart attack at age 27 due to bad eating habits. His father has had a stroke. I'm not about to be an early widow because I didn't want to take any responsibility for his health! He was raised on a diet of convenience foods (kids ate frozen chicken nuggets and fries while the adults ate healthy food) as a child, McDonald's as a teenager, and extra cheesy nachos as a young bachelor. He didn't know that vegetables could be tasty. He didn't realize that healthy food could be for him, too. He didn't realize that his omelettes had a full gram of cholesterol in them. I may be no skinny-mini, but I was raised with a decent degree of health consciousness. Yes, it took a bit of pushing, but a little effort now can pay off in an extra 20 years with him
I get that we can't carry the whole burden. It's a much bigger burden to carry a triple-bypass or diabetes, though. It's not about forcing healthy habits on your spouse. It's about letting them know that you're concerned about their health because you don't want your time with them cut short., and helping them develop the tools to make better choices.
Rant over.0 -
I do think some of his changes are healthier -- Subway (which loaded with sodium!) is still better than BK... and trading Cheetos for a healthy snack is good too. I have to think that cheese & crackers (even with pepperoni) is better than pizza as well (that is with actual cheese though... did you say he is doing Cheese Whiz?). i would support his little changes in hopes that he will do more!
I've been thinking lately about how this time differs from last time I lost weight (with Weight Watchers). The reality is that last time I did eat a lot more processed foods and fast food than I am this time. However, I still learned important lessons about portion control and making better food decisions.
It is all about baby steps... for everyone.
As for the other issues...
(Raises hand) I am SO bad at taking meds! What has helped me is to get a medicine dispenser to put am/pm meds in and then to make taking them a part of my morning and evening routine. I hate taking pills with water, and I give myself milk or Propel flavored water to drink them with. Also, I've had a lot more asthma (due to allergies) issues than lately too... wondering if it is something with the weather being so crazy here? I am trying to focus on taking them more often than not right now. I DO agree that he is an adult and should be responsible for taking his own medicine though!
There was something else I wanted to respond to... posting this because I can't see your original post now.0 -
in my opinion you have got at least 2 problems you can solve.
1. you're trying to force change in another person.
and you can't .... no matter how much you love someone or harangue them, you can't make them change. You can encourage and support them through whatever choices they make (unconditional love), but that's it. Trying to force him to eat how you think he should is likely to make him quit altogether, get pissed off, or resent you.
2. you have an all or nothing attitude.
very rarely in life are things black and white. Change is a process, not a step.
There are 5 stages of change:
1.pre-comtemplation (I don't have a problem)
2.contemplation (I have a problem, and I'm thinking about changing)
3. preparation (I have a problem, and within the next month I'll be doing something about it)
4. action (I have a problem and I am currently changing)
5. maintenance (I continue to work on my problem)
these stages are not straight lines, people go back and forth quickly or sometimes very slowly through them, and they have to go through the process in order to make lasting changes.
He's not gonna jump right on the wagon right where you are, so if he's choosing gatorade over soda, good for him, veggies over little debbies is a BIG decision heading in the right direction. As my doctor says, one healthier choice a day makes a difference and adds up. It might help if you think of it as steps in the right direction, he's at least saying ok, I might have a problem, I'd like to change a little, and then he did it. That's HUGE, congratulate him. It sounds like he's a person who needs to take baby steps, so let him.
...and most of all, focus on yourself, and congratulate yourself on your own good choices, and for being a good example to your kids.0 -
Ya know, I had no idea how to lose weight..I've tried so many ways in the past. I used to think...Oh, I'm drinking water..I can eat what I wanted. Boy, was I wrong. It finally took me to realize that I wasn't going to lose the weight until I was ready. I had to be committed. Here I am 12lbs down and doing this for me..so I can be around to see my grandchildren (many many years from now). Like you said, work on yourself and when your husband is ready..he can work on himself.0
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Okay... wanted to add..
My husband has changed a lot of habits just from watching me over the past few months. I do cook and so we have healthy dinnesr most of the time (and lunches, because we often eat leftovers for lunch). He still chooses junk more often than I do when it is up to him.... but the sad reality is that he can do that and still not gain weight too. One of those benefits to being a man and 9 inches taller than me! I do wish he would eat better at times because it is healthier for him and I don't want him to have serious health problems as he gets older... but I also know that demanding that is just going to make him not want to do it.0 -
Co-dependency sounds awful.0
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So beautifully eloquent. Thank you for sharing.This is where I turn when I'm frustrated with those I love - a poem called The Journey by Mary Oliver. This thing has saved me more than once!
The Journey by Mary Oliver 0 -
If I've learned anything its that you can't make someone want to change. They have to reach that point on their own...but you can lead by example, which are already are. Focus on being the best you that you can be. You'll inspire him
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Sweetie - when you reach your goals and you are hot hot hot, he will have to "man up" to guard is territory. Just do your thing, he'll catch up 0
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You all have made some very good, important points.
Yes, I do tend to be an "all or nothing" type of person sometimes with certain things, like my new lifestyle. I certainly am not perfect, far from it, and I don't expect him to be perfect. The thing is, we've been together 7 1/2 years, and have been over and over this. I've learned he just needs to want better health, more than he wants the foods that are bad for him and keep him unhealthy.
He just told me this tonight, a couple hours of ago and I needed to let it out. We used to have arguments about it, but over the last week, I refused to argue. I will say, I did plug in some of his food items on here to show and compare -- he was pretty surprised at the numbers he was consuming.
Anyway, shortly after I posted my vent, I went out and cut him up an apple and told him it was his snack. That even if he continues his usual diet, I am still going to feed him apples and carrots....oh! and he likes grapes too, so I'm getting him some tomorrow. I'll just go the extra step and at least keep some stuff in the house, and try and help him make better choices ....when he wants it.
I appreciate ALL the advice....some of it a little hard to swallow, but I needed to hear it. And the poem was beautiful -- I plan to copy it to Word so I can refer to it. Matter of fact, I'm going to save this entire post so I can refer to it when I'm feeling challenged with him. Thank you ALL so very much!0
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