Falling...Awareness...Fixing it...

Hello everyone. I have been on this weight loss Journey since April 2010. I almost never post but I am here daily (many many times a day) reading all your posts and using your stories as a huge part of my motivation.

A couple of days ago I came to the realization that I was really falling from where I had been most of this journey. I spent the past 2 months having one good day or a couple of good days and then a bad meal, good day bad meal, ect. This has gone on for the past 2 months and it showing in my numbers. I did know the entire time that I had not been being as diligent as I had been for the 8 months prior. December I only lost 4 lbs, which with Christmas was not too bad, but then January only 2 lbs and every week just felt worse than the previous week. So much so that I physically started feeling like the old me that I was trying to break free of and thought I had. Just goes to show how quickly it can all change.

I have always done really well during the day, I rarely ever screw that up. But dinner is another story, dinner is my weakness. I have been overeating almost ever meal, luckily not more than maintenance type calories but still enough to stall my progress. Which is totally not good for the motivation. I stopped really measuring things and putting them in. I thought I was OK because i wasn't really snacking at first. That lead to being OK with eating out more, which lead to making poor decisions on what I ate, but I wasn't gaining weight so I didn't recognize how far my mind had drifted away from my goals. Until one night....

I went to red robin, had done well all day again and saw the menu and was like ok, I'm gonna get a burger, and then I thought...hmmm only 99 cents for an extra patty. I said to my husband totally unaware at the time what is was I was really doing. And what I was really doing was asking for his approval. He said "yeah thats not bad at all". So the waiter came, I ordered, and then my husband asked if I wanted the extra patty so I said "sure". Then he went on to order an small appitizer. Now I'm fine with a splerge every now and then but this was more than that. I proceeded to eat the entire thing, and let me tell you.....I felt HORRIBLE after. Not my stomach, but the guilt. WHAT THE HECK am I doing!!!??? That night I realized I had slipped right back fully into my old way of thinking. I worked so hard to lose the 61 lbs I had already lost, what was I doing?

I went home and talked to my husband and told him I needed him to not enable me for a while, I was letting him enable me a lot lately and though it was not really his fault it wasn't helping. He is very supportive of this whole thing and I think he with all the stress he has had at work lately he didn't realize what he was doing. In no way do I blame him, I am stronger than that and I know I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and I wasn't. I was taking his wishes and suggestions as permission to splurge myself. I thought about the past couple of months and I had been working up to this the entire time. I was able to pull myself back to plan daily, so no I didn't gain any weight back, but my motivation was slowly disappearing and I lost sight of my goal. It started to feel like I had so far to go still. Yes I lost 61 lbs and that is great, but I need to still lose another 75. I was almost halfway there and Ironically I am sitting right at 200 and have been hovering there this entire month. Am I afraid to enter new territory?? After all I have not been under 200 lbs for 15 years. Who knows....all I know, is I have to keep going.

So, this is the first time in my journey I have hit a mental wall like this and I hope it's my last. I was so focused and I do think today I have that back. I didn't even wait until today to start, I started last night right when I came to the realization of what I was actually doing. My husband left to go to Abu Dhabi today and will be gone for a week, so it's perfect for me to get back in the groove of things and keep pushing forward. And when he comes back he has agreed to get right back to the level of support I was getting from him this entire time. And I am soooo thankful for that.

Also I am going to try to be more involved in posting on the boards. I find when I start hiding like I tend to do my goals don't stand out to me as much. I am sure I will slip away from posting again and when I do I hope someone notices and pulls me back or at least points it out to me. I'm always reading, always, it's a huge part of keeping my mind where it needs to be.

Thank you all for your support I AM BACK at this. This will be a great month, I can feel it.

Never ever ever stop thinking and trying, as long as your working at it you will feel much better than doing nothing...