My Triggers - An Epiphany

So my ex and I got into a battle last week over the kids, and by Friday I had pissed myself off into a migraine that lasted all weekend. However, I did a lot of thinking all weekend too, about how bad about myself this man always made me feel. And I realized, he and the stress he created were two of the biggest triggers I had to eat and be lazy. Every time I would do something, he'd tell me I was doing it wrong. So I just stopped doing things. Every time I'd cook a meal, he'd tell me how to cook it. "If you would just eat what I buy at the store, you'd lose weight" and blah blah blah blah blah... Because of this man, I let myself go because I didn't want him touching me, I fell into a depression and (the first time I am admitting this in public, although my boyfriend knows) I even was suicidal because I knew that leaving him was going to be an uphill battle. He spent 14 years undermining my self-confidence and I managed to claw my way back to the land of the living. That in itself is a major milestone for me. I figure if I can do THAT, I can do ANYTHING, including lose another 25 lbs.

My step-daughter called about a half an hour ago and told me something her father said to her that (again) made me angry...and the first thing I did when I hung up with her was go to the pantry. I was like, What am I doing? Why am I letting him get to me? So I went outside and did some quick yard work and took out the trash. Pretty fitting, considering the source of my anger!!! So now every time he annoys me, I guess I'll be TAKING OUT THE TRASH instead of going to the pantry!

So I think I have just identified my biggest trigger of all -- my ex and how he makes me feel. It's such a small thing...but it's huge.