My lifestyle change cost me my BFF of 20 years

superhippiechik
superhippiechik Posts: 1,044 Member
edited September 23 in Motivation and Support
Somehow my lifestyle change has translated into I think I am better than her. She has blocked my phone number and blocked me on facebook. No explanation as to what I did wrong,nothing. My foster mom, (who loves to start problems and probably played a major role in this drama) said it was something I said about her weight. Any comments I ever made was to encourage her to be healthy. I thought.
I think I am OK with this,but my Husband said I am not and I am holding it all in. I am hurt,not because the friendship ended but because she did not feel like I deserved any explanation at all.
Has this happened to any of you?

Replies

  • lesleed
    lesleed Posts: 33 Member
    Wow, that is such a shame. You would think she would be happy for you and maybe get motivated a bit herself. I have had issues in the past with friends just "disappearing" from my life. It is really difficult and painful. I hope it all works out for you! Good luck and keep up the great progress!
  • Clew
    Clew Posts: 910 Member
    Not about weight loss, but I've had a dear friend completely shut me out for no good explanation. It hurts, it definitely hurts.

    Sorry for your sadness, dear. xo
  • Manda1987
    Manda1987 Posts: 207
    Encouraging someone to be healthy when they haven't had their "aha!" moment is pretty dangerous. It can come across as condescending.

    Maybe if you contacted her and promised that you wouldn't say anything about health stuff unless she asked for your advice?
  • freerange
    freerange Posts: 1,722 Member
    "Any comments I ever made was to encourage her to be healthy. I thought."

    There is the problem, It's hard not to "share" with your friends your new LS. Most people don't want to here about it unless they ask. This one is on you,,,,,, no you really didn't do anything wrong,,,,,,, but it doesn't matter,,,,, you need to mend this, not her.
  • saldridge
    saldridge Posts: 125 Member
    I had that happen with my best friend -- turns out he was depressed and at the same time let other parts of his life go to sh!ts too.
    I am generally not a person who thinks it is everyone else's fault, but if it comes this abrupt, without a seemingly good reason or explanation, and if it is what you say it is, consider she has some serious issues that she cannot deal with otherwise.
  • scagneti
    scagneti Posts: 707 Member
    That's too bad. Some people just can't express themselves so they prefer to cut people out instead of trying to vocalize the problem. If it ends up being what you want, I hope that the two of you can get past this.

    That being said, how would the general population on here react if you were saying that a S.O. were the one who was upset by your weight loss? They'd likely say that you didn't need them and that you're better off without them. I'm not saying that's right or wrong, but is it really all that different than if it were a man who was upset by the changes?

    Congrats on the progress, by the way!! So close to your goal!! :happy:
  • kmm7309
    kmm7309 Posts: 802 Member
    My roommate is my best friend of 8 years. I started this journey 1 1/2 months ago, and she has blatantly tried sabotaging me more than once, and even admitted to doing it. She said "you're just so pretty the way you are, you don't need to change". She goes out of her way to buy and eat my favorite foods in front of me, and she spends alot of time cooking desserts and high-carb foods (she never cooked two months ago). She gets mad when I ask her to come walk with me (I don't like to walk alone), but if she does go with me, she tries to cut my routine short and slow me down, to the point I've stopped asking her to come. When I lose some weight and tell her, she is not supportive, so I stopped telling her.

    Wow, I didn't realize how much she's been bothering me until just now. It feels good to vent about that! But I know where you are coming from, and losing weight is a lonely journey, that's why it's so hard. She'll come around, and if she doesn't...

    ... well, you wouldn't want a skinny friend that stopped talking to you because you got fat, right?
    ... So why have a fat friend that stopped talking to you because you got skinny?

    The biggest difference is, the second one is a lot better for your health!
  • nataliyanova
    nataliyanova Posts: 2
    yes! except for me, it was kind of the other way around. my best friend of six years went off to college, while i decided to enter into a training program and stay in our hometown while my girlfriend finishes college (she'll graduate in may.) she got sucked into a circle of people who don't do much more than get drunk every night, and the phone calls and visits became less and less as everything we had in common started to fade away. it broke my heart, and i'm sure you're feeling that way too. keep your chin up-- she will either come to the conclusion that you girls need to talk things out, or she'll keep holding a grudge... and people like that aren't worth your time.
  • Zuznana
    Zuznana Posts: 284 Member
    Sorry to hear that. I never lost friend that I have know for so long.... partly because I never knew people for that long. I am it touch with people from school, but I never had a best friend as such. Moving to different country years ago didn't help.

    But we did have friends here that use to come here every day before kids went to school, after school and stayed for dinner...and sometimes all day. Yeah, it was a bit much, but it was company and I didn't complain, lol. And one day they stopped talking to us. Funny about that was that living in a small town, we heard all sorts they said about us. But the best thing was that one day, my husband was playing games on xbox live and talking to his friends. I told him to just turn his voice down and all his friends were so surprised to hear me. Apparently we split up over the argument with our friends. All we did was to just ignore them and not stoop to their level of hate posting on facebook and stuff like that......so we all had a laugh about it, but I was little glad when they moved away. We had some mutual friends and one girl is still not speaking to me and it happened 2 years ago. And we never found out why they did what they did.

    I hope she will at least explains once things call down.
  • jdelisle
    jdelisle Posts: 1,050 Member
    I tend to not talk about my weight loss as much as people's eyes tend to glaze over when I do (maybe because I have tried to lose weight before and they are sick of hearing about it).

    It's hard to understand when you are not going through the same thing, especially if you have never been overweight yourself. If she is overweight, maybe she is jealous that you had enough power and courage to make a healthy lifestyle change and stick with it?

    Either way, the measures that she has taken to remove herself from your life indicates that she isn't the type of person you need in your life right now.
  • Amajoy
    Amajoy Posts: 140 Member
    Encouraging someone to be healthy when they haven't had their "aha!" moment is pretty dangerous. It can come across as condescending.

    Maybe if you contacted her and promised that you wouldn't say anything about health stuff unless she asked for your advice?

    I agree with the first part about encourageing someone to be healthy. I have slowly learned that people who are not in the same mode as you really dont give a crap about hearing how much weight you have lost, how many calories you burned at the gym, how you are eating, or which supplements you are taking... Its a real shame especially when all we are looking for is encouragement and some congratulations from loved ones.

    I have learned to just bite my tounge and share everything with the MFP community which is made up of people just like me with the same goals, and ACTUALLY enjoy talking about successes and what they are doing to get healthy.

    I am sorry about your friend, its sucks when you dont know why someone did what they did. Just know that everything happens for a reason. This may just be a test for you, or a lesson learned for her you never know. Cheer up! :flowerforyou:
  • nehtaeh
    nehtaeh Posts: 2,849 Member
    "Any comments I ever made was to encourage her to be healthy. I thought."

    There is the problem, It's hard not to "share" with your friends your new LS. Most people don't want to here about it unless they ask. This one is on you,,,,,, no you really didn't do anything wrong,,,,,,, but it doesn't matter,,,,, you need to mend this, not her.

    Sure, your friend can be upset and if she really doesn't want to hear about your new lifestyle or be encouraged, she doesn't have to. However, she needs to grow up and let you know that, not just simply cut ties. So, while I do agree that maybe the intial issue is on you, you can't do anything about it if you don't know. Now you need to make sure she is a friend you want to fight for. Communication is key for all relationships - not just bf/gf type ones. She's your best friend - you would think she'd have more respect than to block you if she didn't like hearing about your healthy lifestyle.
  • ischmelle
    ischmelle Posts: 203 Member

    ... well, you wouldn't want a skinny friend that stopped talking to you because you got fat, right?
    ... So why have a fat friend that stopped talking to you because you got skinny?

    Wow! That is the best thought I have read in a long time! What a great way to shore yourself up against all of those people who appear jealous of the weightloss!

    Thanks!:flowerforyou:
  • delilahthegoddess
    delilahthegoddess Posts: 59
    I know what you are talking about! Not over weight loss, but my best friend of 18 years, has cut me out of her life completely over a small argument. I have tried to make contact and make things right and she won't even acknowlege my existance.
  • arwamya
    arwamya Posts: 304
    Yes that's happened to me too ! My friend and i were od the same weight till a year back . I kept telling her let's work out , let's start a healthy eating routine and stuff like that. On my insistance she got a gym sub but she went for just a week . She then avoided talking to me so i stopped talking about weight loss healthy eating and all but she didn't want to speak to me about anything it seemed . if i asked her what's happening in your life she'd say oh same ol ! she avoided taking my calls didnt text back avoided meeting up. I have no clue why i never ever tried to boast about my weight loss in front of her i didn't want to lose her but it seems i have no choice
  • Timelessmissv
    Timelessmissv Posts: 18
    I think that there are things that might have pushed her away aside from the weight loss . We women can be pretty dramatic when it comes to friends and changes . As a best friend you would think that she could just talk to you about anything . Give her time if you girls had a real connection she will get over it and come back around , if she doesn't then it is her loss .
  • superhippiechik
    superhippiechik Posts: 1,044 Member
    Thank You for all of your stories and kind words.
  • sacfrazier
    sacfrazier Posts: 53
    I think that your friend is probably just very jealous of you. You look amazing and she probably knows that she should be doing something to change, but doesn't know where to start or just doesn't have the motivation. I feel bad for you for losing such a great friendship, but hopefully she will come around and seek your help when she is ready.
  • superhippiechik
    superhippiechik Posts: 1,044 Member

    ... well, you wouldn't want a skinny friend that stopped talking to you because you got fat, right?
    ... So why have a fat friend that stopped talking to you because you got skinny?

    Wow! That is the best thought I have read in a long time! What a great way to shore yourself up against all of those people who appear jealous of the weightloss!

    Thanks!:flowerforyou:

    You are so right...Thank You for that!:drinker:
  • superhippiechik
    superhippiechik Posts: 1,044 Member
    Encouraging someone to be healthy when they haven't had their "aha!" moment is pretty dangerous. It can come across as condescending.

    Maybe if you contacted her and promised that you wouldn't say anything about health stuff unless she asked for your advice?

    I agree with the first part about encourageing someone to be healthy. I have slowly learned that people who are not in the same mode as you really dont give a crap about hearing how much weight you have lost, how many calories you burned at the gym, how you are eating, or which supplements you are taking... Its a real shame especially when all we are looking for is encouragement and some congratulations from loved ones.

    I have learned to just bite my tounge and share everything with the MFP community which is made up of people just like me with the same goals, and ACTUALLY enjoy talking about successes and what they are doing to get healthy.

    I am sorry about your friend, its sucks when you dont know why someone did what they did. Just know that everything happens for a reason. This may just be a test for you, or a lesson learned for her you never know. Cheer up! :flowerforyou:

    I do believe everything happens for a reason! I think I am just having a life enema right now.:sad:
  • dawnslaughter
    dawnslaughter Posts: 125
    it hurts, but move on. if she doesnt want you in her life that is her loss.
  • sweetsarahj
    sweetsarahj Posts: 701 Member
    Hi there. I had someone close to me shut me out too. Just straight out of the blue. I was very angry that she didn't have the courtesy to tell me what was happening, but at the end of the day I realised that she did it to herself- she is the one in the wrong, and has to live with the knowledge of what she did!

    I also thought to myself that if someone could shut me out so abruptly and rudely, she wasn't a good friend to begin with.
  • SmartFunGorgeous
    SmartFunGorgeous Posts: 699 Member
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