I feel like such a failure

Unfortunately, I can only sympathize with the fact that you're feeling that way. But eventually the pity party has to end. If you don't feel like doing anything about it for yourself, then nothing here that anyone says will force you to pick yourself up and start.

I sympathize in the fact that I made the decisions I made to become morbidly obese and almost die from a diabetic coma and acute pancreatitis. I keep bringing up that story, not because I was scared to die, I just didn't feel like I was done living yet. I've made every decision in my life which led to my eventual downfall, and I don't regret a thing. It was all those decisions that formulated my mentality, hardened my resolve, and drove my motivation to do anything and everything my own way. I wasn't going to let a small thing like a near-death experience stop me.

You take the initiative of your own actions. We all do. If it was so simple to ask someone to create motivation for you, we'd all be perfect in that aspect. There are times when we need a kick in the *kitten* to give us a moment of clarity. Whatever that kick may take the form of, you need to realize that it has to come from your own solid decision. Don't lie to yourself if you "know" you shouldn't be eating certain foods, yet do. That's like me telling myself that I'm really a shellfish living in a man's body, then trying to breathe underwater and grow an exoskeleton. The consequence is the same. You realize one way or another that it will affect you negatively.

I'm not shaming you in any way, but there are times when people need to hear an unbiased opinion. I see you have photos of your family. It's your life. Live it the way you would like your family to live theirs.

I struggle with staying motivated also. I take medication that makes losing weight very difficult. I was working out like crazy and did not see any results and I would give up. However, I noticed that even though I couldnt see any changes I could feel them. I had more energy and felt lighter. But like many people I would have a bad day and indulge in my weakness (cookies and cake). I awoke yesterday morning and decided to make a change. Instead of a bagel with butter for breakfast I had scrambled egg whites with spinach, a banana and yogurt. That small change made me feel better. I am not perfect and will make bad eating choices but I figure if I change slowly and plan my meals ahead Ill be able to stay on track. I havent started working out but I plan on incorporating walks into my daily routine. Whenever I feel like giving up I remember how greatI felt when I was making healthier choices. I wont let my outward appearance determine how well Im doing on my journey. How I feel on the inside mentally and physically will be my affirmation that I achieved my goals.

I would recommend reading Bethenny Frankel's book "Naturally Thin." It helps with how to think about food, how to keep in mind portion control, and how to give yourself what you want-- all in moderation.

You obviously have a problem with self control. I don't mean that in a mean way; I'm not criticizing you. I'm simply stating facts. Plenty of these comments are of the "you can do it" mantra. I am a firm believer that honesty, though brutal, is the best policy. There are obviously issues and stressors that coincide with your diet and lifestyle. Though a book can help to shed light, you really have to decide FOR YOURSELF that this is what you want. If you actually want it, you'll do it. You'll make the sacrifices necessary. You'll compromise because the ends do justify the means. But none of that will happen unless you REALLY want it.

So, don't whine. Don't hate yourself. Make a decision and stick to it.
That's my two cents.

I can feel your stress, pressure and anxiety bouncing off the screen at me. Why are you being so hard on yourself? Maybe this is not the right circumstances for you to embark on weight loss. Firstly this is about you and your health not your ability to do the right thing by the charity. I dont know too many people that could lose weight for a charity event. So be nice to yourself, stop beating yourself up over it. Maybe you wont be successful this time maybe you will. The main thing is that you are having a go at it. Keep trying is the key. One day you will find that you are in the right place mentally to embark on changing your life for your health and wellbeing. Best of Luck