On Giving Advice (partial rant, I apologize).
strandedeyes
Posts: 392 Member
I need advice on a situation that I have found myself in, but not just with one person.
After starting using MFP 3 weeks ago, I have been doing awesome on losing weight (8lbs so far) and really learning how to change what I eat and how active I need to be daily. I have been working out and even have a trainer who shows me the ropes and kicks my butt.
Now some of my friends, think I have gone mad but are supportive the best they can be. Then there are the others....
These others are where I am stumped and need advice on. These others of my friends, who have come to me stating they are on a "diet" and want to lose weight, keep "falling" off the wagon and keep telling me that they are so upset that they gained a pound instead.
Now I am no expert at what anyone should eat, but I did introduce many of them to MFP as well as told me what I have done since obviously something is working for me. Then, when they start to keep a diary of their food intake, they rarely have any veggies or fruit but claim that since they are under their calorie goal, its okay. Now, I don't know if that is right or wrong...again I am no expert, but they still keep gaining weight.
I don't want to mean and tell them they are doing it all wrong and eating horrible things (ex of food....tonight, one of my friends ate KFC and Taco Bell at the same time.). I understand the fast food craving comes and goes, but I don't know how to explain to someone that drinking a large soda and KFC and Taco Bell at the same time is probably not going to help.
Do you all think I should email or talk to the few friends who are just "falling" off the wagon each time and be strict in talking with them, or should I just let it go and say "C'est La Vie?" I am a motherly type to most of my friends but I think I have reached my limit now that I have seen the "light" to a healthier lifestyle. I don't want my friends to be unhealthy (on here or off) but I just don't know how much more advice I can give them when I am still learning and all I see them do is stuff their face with insane amounts of calories while complaining about their weight.
Thoughts?
After starting using MFP 3 weeks ago, I have been doing awesome on losing weight (8lbs so far) and really learning how to change what I eat and how active I need to be daily. I have been working out and even have a trainer who shows me the ropes and kicks my butt.
Now some of my friends, think I have gone mad but are supportive the best they can be. Then there are the others....
These others are where I am stumped and need advice on. These others of my friends, who have come to me stating they are on a "diet" and want to lose weight, keep "falling" off the wagon and keep telling me that they are so upset that they gained a pound instead.
Now I am no expert at what anyone should eat, but I did introduce many of them to MFP as well as told me what I have done since obviously something is working for me. Then, when they start to keep a diary of their food intake, they rarely have any veggies or fruit but claim that since they are under their calorie goal, its okay. Now, I don't know if that is right or wrong...again I am no expert, but they still keep gaining weight.
I don't want to mean and tell them they are doing it all wrong and eating horrible things (ex of food....tonight, one of my friends ate KFC and Taco Bell at the same time.). I understand the fast food craving comes and goes, but I don't know how to explain to someone that drinking a large soda and KFC and Taco Bell at the same time is probably not going to help.
Do you all think I should email or talk to the few friends who are just "falling" off the wagon each time and be strict in talking with them, or should I just let it go and say "C'est La Vie?" I am a motherly type to most of my friends but I think I have reached my limit now that I have seen the "light" to a healthier lifestyle. I don't want my friends to be unhealthy (on here or off) but I just don't know how much more advice I can give them when I am still learning and all I see them do is stuff their face with insane amounts of calories while complaining about their weight.
Thoughts?
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Replies
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Tell them not to worry, it's probably water weight. That's probably what they want to hear
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I use a different approach. I'm very blunt. If my friends eats tons of candy and complain about weight gain, I tell them to quit stuffing there face with fast food and candy all in one day. Tough love...it's the truth though.0
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If they are on MFP, I would tell them to open their diary for the public, and then put out a post asking for help. Then the MFP world can let them know! They're still getting the feedback, but not from you!0
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I depends on how you think they might take it. If they are receptive to advice, give them some. It's not that complicated. Eat less, move more. The complicated part is learning what you should eat instead of Taco Bell and KFC. It'll be hard until they're ready to commit to making this a lifestyle change. The best thing you can do is lead by example. Maybe try to workout together? Once they see the changes in your body and the way you feel about yourself, that will likely encourage them to give up the Taco Bell if they really want to be healthier.
Just be prepared for the possibility that they will just keep doing what they're doing.0 -
While you can technically still lose weight if you eat nothing but junk (They've done studies that have confirmed this), there are a lot of caveats to that statement. Particularly, it seems like your friends probably are the type of people who eat one to 2 big meals a day and that's it. I used to be one of those people when I wasn't eating healthy. I've noticed now that I'm eating the same number of calories as I was back then, but back then I would get it from one big meal of burgers and fries at McDonalds or Wendy's. Now I get the same number of calories, but I eat 5-6 smaller meals a day.
You body can only digest so much in one serving, If they eat these huge fatty meals, they are most likely eating more than their body can digest, so it's storing the rest as fat. If they ate smaller meals more frequently, they would be in better shape.
Also, getting healthy isn't the same thing as losing weight, but is equally important. So while Fruits and Vegetables aren't necessary for weight loss, if they care about being healthy at all, they should incorporate it in your diet.
As for giving advice, give it if it is well received and listened to. But if they want to be stubborn about it, just let them do what they want and tell them to shut up when they complain to you about it.0 -
Be honest. Maybe don't compare your diary to theirs, pick someone else who has has some success and is making healthy choices, and just point out the key things- low fat, low sodium...quality of food makes a huge difference in how successful anyone trying to lose weight ultimately is.
Bottom line though, your focus needs to be on you. Maybe leading by example is going to be the true nudge your friends need. Keep positive, stick to your goals, and your success will speak for itself.0 -
If you've already talked to them about what works, they've seen the proof of it in you, and everything they've every read or heard backs up what you say, then there's nothing more you can do. Just keep being a living example, which is a win for everyone, you especially.
I have a friend that is exactly the same way, complaining that she "can't" lose weight and all the while eating Arby's multiple times a week and scoffing at me when I talk about cutting out high fructose corn syrup from my diet (which is what pretty much everything in fast food places is made with). You just gotta shrug your shoulders and do you. Kudos for being a good friend and caring, but in the end they won't hear it until they want to listen.
Congratulations on that awesome weight loss, by the way!0 -
I use a different approach. I'm very blunt. If my friends eats tons of candy and complain about weight gain, I tell them to quit stuffing there face with fast food and candy all in one day. Tough love...it's the truth though.
I'm kinda with this.... It really bothers me when some one says... I don't understand why this is happening. I by far do not eat everything that I'm supposed to and have the occasional slip up. But I'm not going sit around and complain about it. I'm going to work it off!!0 -
I'd take more of the approach of asking whether they'd like your input on why you think they're having problems. Eating at Taco Bell and KFC on the same day is not going to lead to weight loss. There's too much sodium and fat in there for the body to be able to process it. I know that if I eat Taco Bell, it sticks around for a few days, regardless of what it is I had to eat. So just ask if they'd like your input. If they say yes, then warn them it's might be brutal. If they still say yes, lay it on them. If they say no, then there's no harm done. Honesty is one of the steps you have to make in order for this weight loss thing to work.
Oh, and if they aren't exercising, you might throw that recommendation in there too.0 -
I would try to steer them toward more healthy options. If you go out to eat, tell them what you are ordering and why it is more healthy. And offer to workout with them!0
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I usually can get by with just saying that what worked for me was eating more fruits and vegetables and dropping all pop, even diet. Most people don't want to hear much more than that.0
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I've had numerous people at work, at social events etc. who have seen me lose 91 pounds ask me what I'm doing. I tell them and they smile and then go on and talk about how weight watchers works or whatever. I have taken the approach that weight loss is different for everyone. Even if eating healthy and working out works for me, they may need something else, or maybe they just aren't ready. They are still my friends just as I was their friend back when I weighed 285. If you try to force anything on a person they will pull away. Instead let them see how your lifestyle works over time. They will find their way. I take joy in knowing that I inspire people to find their own way.0
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If they are constantly eating a lot of fast food, that sodium is going to get them with the water weight.
You are so sweet to care about your friends so much. As far as should you be "mommy" to them? No. You can tell them what works for you and what you have learned so far, but the bottom line is that they are not going to do what they need to do until they are darn good and ready. They may make unhealthy choices, but they are still adults and human beings who probably will resent being talked to like they are children. This will only make them resist more. This will not make them want to seriously change for the better.
The best thing to do is just to set the example. Keep doing what you are doing. Mention your successes in passing and give advice only when they ask you. Then quickly change the subject. Hopefully, they will come around. They have to want to do it for themselves. You cannot make them. I wish you all the best.
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I call people out. Even if I've never met them but they friend requested me.
When I see pizza, chips, candy, soda, and cups upon cups of sugar cereals often enough...I call them on it. Yes, they're under their calorie goal and many people say "Nice Job!" but those people are not taking the time to review the diary for that day, let alone that week.
I haven't been deleted yet.
How I see it...the next time they complain about how they feel or weight gain...tell them the truth. Their heart and arteries will thank you. If they get mad, they will find out soon enough you were right.0 -
I have spent my life taking care of other people's wants and needs at the cost of taking care of myself and that landed me at 400lbs. I was also one of those people that did not eat much just 2000 calories of all the wrong stuff and the weight just packed on in record time. When became serious about my weight loss, I did what needed to be done and focused on me. Weight loss is a personal journey. It is great to have a buddy if your buddy is not of like mind and want to make excuses about why they are not losing then you need to drop that weight loss buddy. When they are ready, they will do it right. Instead, work on you and leave them be. Temptations are hard enough...but when you have friends eating KFC and you are eating a lettuce sandwich, it makes it difficult for you to stay focused. Surround yourself with those that share your drive and your goals.0
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I am honest about it. With unhealthy choices I try and give them examples like instead of that 240 calorie bag of chips with your lunch you could have an apple and a banana for 190 calories and try and explain that they can consume way more healthy whole food instead of all the processed junk. I also try and share some quick easy recipes and even will share leftovers with them. Sometimes all it takes is trying something different or being shown that healthy food fills you up and holds you longer. Just know in the end all you can do is be supportive and give advice and share what you have learned. Good luck!0
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You can eat anything you wanna eat to lose weight as long as you don't go over your BMR = RMR X Physical Activity. Eating Taco Bell and Kentucky Fried Chicken already tells me that your friends or friend probably went over his BMR; and if he or she continues to do this, they won't have any weight-loss.0
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When you're working out together, talk about super easy nutrient dense recipes together! My friend motivated me to eat a squash this way this year!0
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You know, I used to be the person going around claiming to be on a "diet" asking all the skinny girls how they stayed to skinny and perfect. I would think I was trying just as hard, but instead being lazy and eating badly. Sometimes I kinda wish someone would have answered my question with "I'm skinny because I eat less than you and I work out more than you"...I think I would have tried harder and lost weight a lot sooner than it took me.
Now, I'm happy to say I'm def. not the same girl I used to be. I'm almost 50 lbs lighter and work out pretty much daily. I think you should just be blunt and say what I wish I would've heard a long time ago.0 -
personally, if they are really close and since I have been losing weight, when they eat something that's really fatty I always say wow, I could never eat that and keep on track of losing weight. I would gain weight if I ate that. Offer up some veggies or fruit when they come over, don't go with them to fast food places, and maybe offer them water instead of soda, but mostly I use the I could never lose weight if I ate that. good luck to you.0
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You can't control what others put in their mouths.... you can only control yourself. If they 'think' they're on a diet and eat KFC and Taco Bell in one sitting, then obviously, they're not. I have a similar situation in my office. A co-worker is marvelling that I'm down a clothing size in just one month, as she eats a greasy pita sandwich from the shop across the street. I tried telling her that she should switch to their salads instead of the sandwich, but the next day, it was the same thing. That's it... I gave advice, it wasn't heeded.
Be satisfied that you can control YOUR plate. Your friends will either learn, or they won't.0 -
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice. I will take it all into consideration when I talk to each person, when the time comes.
The funniest thing is that the people who are doing this are almost my biggest supporters. By no means do I sit around being their mother, but I am truly supportive of their goals as I know what its like at times to have no one support you. I think I was just shocked to see this one person eat so much today and I do hope she will in turn learn that it probably wasn't the best decision. I see so much potential in all of them, so I just want the best for them as I have finally started putting the best for me, right in front of me 0 -
I'm generally very blunt, but depending on who it regards I try to at least be tactful. I introduced my mother to MFP, and she kinda half-*kitten* it, says "I'm not losing weight" and leaves it at that. Then gripes because she killed her calories on one meal when she actually does decide to log her foods. I love my mother and would never intentionally say anything to hurt her, so instead of saying "Well, DUH, its because you chowed down on that super fatty, nasty something or other" I simply remind her that water consumption & routine exercise are a huge part, and that she has to really watch what and how much she eats. If it was my dad, I'd just be the normal blunt child he would expect (and appreciate) lol. But sometimes if you really feel compelled to push them in the right direction, just reiterate your success through calorie counting because it gives you a greater understanding of why you gained and/or maintained that higher weight that you are now, successfully, managing to rid yourself of.0
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Here's my take on it, my (former roommate& still best friend) have started "diets" before ( read: gimmicks) in the past, would work for a week or two, and then we;d come up with an excuse....The past few months I have been uber committed to losing my last 20lbs, as just in January i Joined MFP...( i swear there is a point and not about me)...Since ive joined MFP I have been fully committed, working out 6 days a week, counting everything that goes in my mouth ( even the bad for you stuff).....Now, she keeps saying " you are crazy, i just done have time to do that)...Mind you, i work full time, internship, working on my masters...she is a nanny part time during the day until 2pm...4 days a week..
ANYWAY- this is what it comes down to for me. COMMITMENT!!...She keeps saying I just cant lose this weight, or I am not making a difference" etc...they are all excuses in my mind. I love her dearly, and I am not speaking poorly of her, it is just now to the point...we dont talk about dieting or working out anymore...Not that i WONT, i just choose to leave that subject alone, because the time i start to give advice when asked, I get an earload....Ive been there before too...
If i can sum this book ive just written up, it would be to say = do this for you, focus on your best choices, your changes, your committments...if they are ready, they will join, if not leave them in the dust (not the friendship, but the constant complaining and i cant's)
YOU GOT IT!! and great job on your loss thus far!
*****EDIT ~ Please note that i am NOT saying being a nanny is NOT work, trust me, i know it is, nor am i saying my job is any better, wanted to clear that up, i was merely making a point of her "free time"...0 -
Here's my take on it, my (former roommate& still best friend) have started "diets" before ( read: gimmicks) in the past, would work for a week or two, and then we;d come up with an excuse....The past few months I have been uber committed to losing my last 20lbs, as just in January i Joined MFP...( i swear there is a point and not about me)...Since ive joined MFP I have been fully committed, working out 6 days a week, counting everything that goes in my mouth ( even the bad for you stuff).....Now, she keeps saying " you are crazy, i just done have time to do that)...Mind you, i work full time, internship, working on my masters...she is a nanny part time during the day until 2pm...4 days a week..
ANYWAY- this is what it comes down to for me. COMMITMENT!!...She keeps saying I just cant lose this weight, or I am not making a difference" etc...they are all excuses in my mind. I love her dearly, and I am not speaking poorly of her, it is just now to the point...we dont talk about dieting or working out anymore...Not that i WONT, i just choose to leave that subject alone, because the time i start to give advice when asked, I get an earload....Ive been there before too...
If i can sum this book ive just written up, it would be to say = do this for you, focus on your best choices, your changes, your committments...if they are ready, they will join, if not leave them in the dust (not the friendship, but the constant complaining and i cant's)
YOU GOT IT!! and great job on your loss thus far!
*****EDIT ~ Please note that i am NOT saying being a nanny is NOT work, trust me, i know it is, nor am i saying my job is any better, wanted to clear that up, i was merely making a point of her "free time"...
Your book was lovely, thank you for your comments And thank you on the compliment. I am extremely proud of myself and am not stopping here... 0 -
If you have already directed them to MFP, are they still using it? If not, how long did they use it for? Generally, it's a pretty big shock to most people when they start cal counting and if they are serious then they will start to do a bit of research on healthier eating.
The public diary idea is a good one too
At the end of the day though, you can't those who don't want to help themselves.0 -
If you have already directed them to MFP, are they still using it? If not, how long did they use it for? Generally, it's a pretty big shock to most people when they start cal counting and if they are serious then they will start to do a bit of research on healthier eating.
The public diary idea is a good one too
At the end of the day though, you can't those who don't want to help themselves.
For those that I have directed to here...some will tell me "oh ya, that is the site I was talking about" and that be the end of it. There is one or two that have joined and looking at their food diary, you just see the bad choices they are making or excuses why they ate the processed snack foods over cutting up some veggies for that day. I don't think its hit their brains yet that perhaps eating two candy bars isn't the smartest choice for a snack. *shrugs*0 -
I have known for years how to loose weight. I studied nursing, I visited with the dietician the doc sent me to. I asked my friends and even grilled my step daughters on their diet. I just wasn't ready. I took a really embarrasing situation with my 3 yr old to really feel like I'm obligated to work on this. My little daughter, who has a keen interest in cows, saw me stooping to pick up something from the floor. She says innocently enough: "you a cow mommy". I was stunned. Now, 1 month later, I am working my but off and counting calories and enjoying this new kind of facebook where people have similar goals and problems as me. Bottom line is, if their not ready there's not much you can do.0
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Good luck knowmydestiny!
agreed. If anyone has read 4hour body the above is called the harajuku moment.
If that happens and the person has the will power to choose good healthy foods over rubbish food (e.g. Friday morning tea at my work is always sugary crap so I bring in my own choc protein brownies WIN/WIN) then they will ultimately succeed. If that hasn't happened to them yet, then most likely they will just continue on their way. 0 -
I have known for years how to loose weight. I studied nursing, I visited with the dietician the doc sent me to. I asked my friends and even grilled my step daughters on their diet. I just wasn't ready. I took a really embarrasing situation with my 3 yr old to really feel like I'm obligated to work on this. My little daughter, who has a keen interest in cows, saw me stooping to pick up something from the floor. She says innocently enough: "you a cow mommy". I was stunned. Now, 1 month later, I am working my but off and counting calories and enjoying this new kind of facebook where people have similar goals and problems as me. Bottom line is, if their not ready there's not much you can do.
I think the thing is that they say they are "ready" and do these binge exercises once a week and then binge eat too. The overall issue for me is that I am not sure if I should just be blunt or just ignore their rants and complaints daily. How many chances should I give the person before screaming (politely of course) "you obviously aren't watching what you are eating...so shut it"...hehe id use nicer terms but there are days I just want to be mean0
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