Honest Insults?

CoastieGMWife
CoastieGMWife Posts: 63
edited September 24 in Motivation and Support
We are all on our journey to healthier lifestyles but have you ever been caught off guard by an "honest" insult? Its one of those things where the person saying it isn't trying to hurt your feelings, but boy does it.

For example, my goal is to get back down to the weight I was when my husband and I met. He knows I am trying to lose weight but he didn't know what my goal was. The topic came up the other day when I admitted that my goal weight (150 lbs.) would make the weight on my ID correct. We both chuckled and then he asked 'Right, what grade where you in when that was true?' At first I was shocked he said that, then I was pissed. I was 150 when we first met. Then I studied abroad for a semester and returned around 135! When I told him that he said "Oh, I didn't realize you were that thin" *dies* Talk about a knife to the heart! When the tears welled up in my eyes he quickly said that he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings.

But even if his intentions were not mean it still hurt. It took a lot of will power that day for me to not ball my eyes out and give up, or scream at him and put down his feelings too. Instead I am trying to turn this into more motivation to get back to where I was, and show him just how "thin" I can be.

So has anyone else had something like this happen to them? What things give you the motivation to keep going? I hope I am not the only one who has had these issues.

Replies

  • karensoxfan
    karensoxfan Posts: 902 Member
    I've had off-hand remarks come across as awfully critical, condescending or judgmental too, and I hate it. I'm sorry your husband's remark was so upsetting for you.
  • hummzz
    hummzz Posts: 385 Member
    YES!!! I had lost 20 lbs and my sweety hadn't even blinked an eye. So as I was fishing for a compliment it slapped me in the face. I said, "Babe can you tell that I'm losing weight?" He said, "Maybe 5 lbs!"...OMG....He said 5 POUNDS! I had lost 20 in 30 days!!!! It hurt my feelings as well but made me realize how much work I had left to do and motivated me to do more. He now sees the difference and is helping me toward my goal!

    Let that be your motivation and not your defeat!!!!!
  • azlady7
    azlady7 Posts: 471 Member
    my husband used to say while I was trying to lose weight "I cant wait until we fit" while hugging me. I know he thinks its encouragement and that it would be something I want too (which I do) but damn! seriously? I am lacking now? lol men...huh?
  • spackham
    spackham Posts: 252 Member
    You just have to get those thoughts our of your mind. Sing a positive, uplifting song.. "You're a firework!" Stop ruminating over it and other self-inflicted criticisms. Just STOP thinking about it and find whatever works. Do that when you have any sabotage emotions or experience.
  • dthompson17
    dthompson17 Posts: 24
    I hate when you get the ones, "when are you expecting"? Man, that really makes me mad! Then you have to wonder for days if you really look pregnant......Keep up the good work! My goal is the same as yours, to weigh what I weighed when I got married. I have a long way to go, but I am sure I will get there. Good Luck!
  • AmandaJ12
    AmandaJ12 Posts: 75 Member
    I once visited an old work place and one of my former co-workers, just walked up to me and said..."you've gained weight". FIRST of all, the woman that said it weighs as much, if not more than I do! SECONDLY, DUH, I know I've gained weight...believe me!!! :-)
  • MelissaL582
    MelissaL582 Posts: 1,422 Member
    My husband was like this when I first started. I can't blame him for being like that because every "diet" I started, never got finished. It did hurt a bit but it fueled my fire to push harder. Here I am 45 days later 16lbs down and he is so happy for me. I've stayed committed and I've also inspired him to join.
  • ScarletFyre
    ScarletFyre Posts: 754 Member
    Nope you are not alone! My (now ex, kind of) boyfriend THOUGHT he was paying me a compliment when he'd say "you are sexy - just out of shape". It was nice he was calling my sexy, but he did not have to add EVERY time "just out of shape". Then he'd get insulted when he didn't get me fawning all over his "sweet" compliment...LOL I'll show him though!! :bigsmile:
  • MelissaL582
    MelissaL582 Posts: 1,422 Member
    I hate when you get the ones, "when are you expecting"? Man, that really makes me mad! Then you have to wonder for days if you really look pregnant......Keep up the good work! My goal is the same as yours, to weigh what I weighed when I got married. I have a long way to go, but I am sure I will get there. Good Luck!

    Oh my gosh, that happened to me when I first started. I had my 3 kids with me at Walmart. I was wearing a thick jacket, but the fact that the cashier asked me if I was pregnant..it stung hard.
  • Queentipsie
    Queentipsie Posts: 15 Member
    Others can't hurt you unless you allow them too! I never understood those words but my father told me that my whole life before he died. Now, I understand (I) you are the only one who controls your feelings. You can choose to be offended or not be offended. Live in the positive and be in control of your feelings. When you get to your destination don't allow those words to continue to have an affect instead use all hurt and pain as a staircases to where you are trying to go!!! See you at the finish line!!!
  • CynthiaCollin
    CynthiaCollin Posts: 406 Member
    I just got to some men are clueless ! Some men are not detailled oriented...and they just don't know what to say or how. Don't take it too personally....I know it is hard sometimes....but laways remember that women and men are from two different planets
  • KariQuiteContrary
    KariQuiteContrary Posts: 274 Member
    In a word yes. From my ex-husband no less. I received the comment "Well good for you. Now maybe your boyfriend will finally get to see the girl I dated". We have been on decent terms and deal well with the custody agreement we have with our children, so I know the comment was not necessarily meant to make me cry (sure as heck wasn't a kudos either) but it took everything I had in me not to hurl insults back about how his beer belly pudge is a far cry from the six pack he had when we'd dated as well. Men are not always the most clever word smiths. They often don't mean things the way we take it. Focus on the compliments and try to look past what makes it around the "filter".

    I am lucky that the boyfriend I have loves and loved me the way I was and is extremely supportive of whatever weight loss I choose to pursue...or not pursue :)
  • FearAnLoathing
    FearAnLoathing Posts: 4,852 Member
    I try not to let words bother me they are after all just words.Nothing anyone could say to me could change my opinion of myself or what im trying to do
  • hroush
    hroush Posts: 2,073 Member
    Also remember that he's seeing you everyday, so just like yourself, he won't see the change as much as people that see you less often. I will still call him an idiot, though, for asking which grade (smart a** remark, which he thought was funny) and maybe 5 pounds (i think is an honest response, but still stupid).
  • mbrook04
    mbrook04 Posts: 9
    I don't think your husband's remarks were what hurt your feelings. I think that what you were hoping for was some positive encouragement from your husband. The problem is when you open with a joke, us guys are slow and don't get it, we joke back thinking thats what you are looking for. He's a guy, we're simple tell us what you want and we'll do it. Don't make us guess because we'll never get it right. Saying all that, I know your husband is excited for you and by your desire to get fit. Tell him you want him to help, he would love to. Give him details on how to help if you leave it open you may not like his help. And congrats on getting back in shape, remember to have fun.
  • Newfiedan
    Newfiedan Posts: 1,517 Member
    I honestly do not think that he meant that comment to be as bad as it came out to you. Sometimes us men can let the mouth say something before the brain thinks it through. I try to keep that to a minimum but it does not always work, try to take it with a grain of salt, if he married you then he obviously loves you and most men will do whatever it takes to help their wives reach their goals or at least I know I do for my wife. it was her weight loss that got me motivated to start doing it as well and she is the reason I joined mfp. I have since dropped 20 lbs and am still going. If he makes a comment like that again then feel free to play fair game and shoot back at him that it could not hurt for him to get back to the weight he was when you first met after all a hot wife deserves a hot husband by her side lol.
  • HawkeyeGuy
    HawkeyeGuy Posts: 183
    Ok, screw them all. Remember why you're doing this. In the end, the fact that they will not be able to give you honest insults about your weight (and the looks you get when you walk by people - in a good way) are just by-products of the journey. You've got to go a bit deeper...and find REAL reasons why you want to be fit and healthy. Don't get me wrong, I was hoping I would get "those looks" again, and they are rewarding, but if it was just for that, I wouldn't have made it to where I am today.

    And, that goofy self-talk stuff, well, it isn't so goofy. Your mind works through images, imagine yourself fit and healthy, and it will be an easier trail.

    Now, laugh at the people with the "honest insults", knowing that you're doing this for you...AND for the fact that in due time, they'll eat their words. Now go work out and find that sassy chick or bad *kitten* guy in each of you...
    In a word yes. From my ex-husband no less. I received the comment "Well good for you. Now maybe your boyfriend will finally get to see the girl I dated". We have been on decent terms and deal well with the custody agreement we have with our children, so I know the comment was not necessarily meant to make me cry (sure as heck wasn't a kudos either) but it took everything I had in me not to hurl insults back about how his beer belly pudge is a far cry from the six pack he had when we'd dated as well. Men are not always the most clever word smiths. They often don't mean things the way we take it. Focus on the compliments and try to look past what makes it around the "filter".

    I am lucky that the boyfriend I have loves and loved me the way I was and is extremely supportive of whatever weight loss I choose to pursue...or not pursue :)
  • grouch201
    grouch201 Posts: 404 Member
    Honestly, these kind of threads always rub me the wrong way. Just saying you have lost weight could be considered an insult because it meant you were fat to begin with. Thus the reason I like the adage, "He who is offended when no offense is meant is a fool. He who is offended when offense is meant is a greater fool." True, this doesn't deflect 100% of the hurtful things that people can sometimes say, but it does offer some perspective on how you allow other people's actions to shape your reactions.
  • trigrrl
    trigrrl Posts: 104 Member
    after my first few weeks of 6 a week workouts my boyfriend commented about my "lack of motivation"
    it killed me and i did end up crying all day...it was so shocking to me that thats how he saw me
    sometimes people say things without realizing how it can be taken

    just know what you doing is great and keep on doing it
  • britshiv9
    britshiv9 Posts: 12
    :noway: :flowerforyou: Some people let their mouths speak before their brain and don't realize what they're saying is hurtful. What you do is use that as motivation to get in shape. Show him and anyone else that they have no control over you. The only one who has control over your mind and body is you. Don't let the "Honest Insults" bring you down. Instead absorb and use them. Thumb your nose at the na sayers.
  • MightyMom4
    MightyMom4 Posts: 180
    We got our kids a Wii for Christmas two years ago. We got it all hooked up and decided that the whole family would set up their "Mii" person. Well, as I was setting up my Mii, my son (7 at the time) said: Mom, that isn't right, you have to slide that one all the way to "chubby" so that your Mii looks like you. Nice, huh?
  • monicarenee
    monicarenee Posts: 3
    This is sooo true and extremely important for me to learn. My boyfriend without meaning to can be hurtful with his words. His actions are completely different. I know I am attractive to him, but sometimes he really screws up and says something stupid and hurtful.
  • tater8589
    tater8589 Posts: 616
    My husband means to be help full, but I had to tell him to stop telling me to workout and eat better if I want to lose weight. I have been doing both and have been struggling to lose weight. Ihave also been seeing dr's since i miscaried in Nov 09 about the weight and other problems I've been having. So far there are no results as to why. So even though I know my husband means well, it hurts when he acts like I'm not doing anything but complaining. I had to have a talk with him to make him understand that he was hurting my feelings. He has gotten better and is more understanding since I spelled it out what was being said to upset me.
  • queenbee
    queenbee Posts: 10 Member
    LOL That is my HONEST Drivers License weight too! One Christmas I opened up a gift from my husband, while the video was rolling mind you, and it was a gift certificate to Jenny Craig. I did burst out into tears. He felt so bad, he was only trying to help me. It is true, for years I had been whining about losing weight and I know in my heart he really didn't meant it as a slap in the face, still I understand how much those things can hurt! Men are pretty clueless sometimes! :) Look at his heart and be happy that he LOVES you no matter what your weight is! :heart:
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