Fear & Self-Sabotage

VictorianJade · February 2011

I'm not sure if anyone can relate to this.... though I'd bet money there are some out there who understand.

I am the survivor of multiple, very violent sexual assaults. One of them tried to murder me afterward.

Yup, heavy. Sorry 'bout that. It's part of the thread.

I didn't know until the age of 19... AFTER the horrible assaults... that I was actually pretty. I had always thought I was ugly, fat, unwanted. I had an emotionally abusive ex, during that time of the assaults... and he made me believe that no one would ever want me after him.

What I'm getting at, is this: I gained a LOT of weight, to protect myself from ever being assaulted again. I didn't want men to look at me and think I was attractive... and I had never thought they DID.... after the most violent assault, I looked in the mirror, and was shocked to realize... hey, I'm actually pretty. I then bawled my eyes out.

Now... I am huge. Whenever I lose weight, I start to feel good about myself... until people start noticing. Then the compliments kick-start the fear that I'll get hurt again... and I find myself subconsciously sabotaging my hard work... I'll reach for a donut, or something. I realize it later, that I have sabotaged, but in the moment, it's a subconscious thing.

Does anyone else do this? What helps you?

ivykivy · February 2011

Weight loss starts from the inside out. You have to deal with your issues. You need to be around strong people who will remind you of your wonderful self. Have you thought about a support group ? Also maybe a self defense class or whatever you need to make yourself feel secure.

But for now - take one day at a time. Don't have bad stuff in the house. When you eat something you shouldn't forgive yourself and move on and do a little extra exercise.

tknuzum · February 2011

I have never thought of it this way but totally know the feeling. Have been sexually assulted to a point and never thought that that is how to explain it. But totally understand. I try hard and start seeing results, then I just kinda quit. I don't know why for sure but thats crazy! Thank you for sharing, and now maybe I will know what I need to do! Thank you for sharing again.

twooliver · February 2011

Oh Hon, of course you would protect yourself in this way! I've done the same thing...grew up in a house where sexual boundaries were crossed. So here I am years later - 30 or so - still trying to get across to my body that it's safe and I will protect it from anyone violating it again.

I wish I could tell you that you can get over this and move on. But it's just not that easy. It's a process of healing, healing of your self esteem and confidence, your sense of safety, body image, and healing that part of you that has been victimized.

Find ways to empower yourself - take your rage and put it to use. Learn martial arts or self defense (great forms of exercise) so that the next SOB that tries anything will find themself begging for their life.

Also, find ways to work on your emotional healing - counseling, support group, anywhere so that you share your story over and over until it no longer holds any power in your being.

You are beautiful, deserving, awesome, wonderful, and so so very courageous!!!

LeslieAnn72 · February 2011

I can relate to the sabotage and to the fear of being noticed and of getting hurt, but not the abuse. I"m so sorry that that happened to you. No one deserves that.

I tend to celebrate my weight loss with food, which is terrible, cause the food I celebrate throws me off track for several days... I am a junk food foodie and have become a big fat fatty because of it! LOL Then after days/weeks/....of eating terribly I get depressed and starts the whole emotional eating cycle over again. I have to pick myself up by my bootstraps and try to do better the next itme. I can't change what I ate yesterday, I can only try and do better today.

Good luck to you on your journey. You deserve to be happy and healthy.

God Bless,
Leslie

LaurieKPhoto1972 · February 2011

First of all, I am SO SORRY you had to go through all of that. Secondly, you are right, you are GORGEOUS!!! I was molested when I was 10 by my best friend's dad. It was by far the most horrifying experience of my life. I thought that I was very well adjusted afterward but now years later I am wondering if that was ever true.

I have not been hit on in YEARS! I have been fat for a long time and the only person to hit on me for the past 10 or so years is my husband. Well, back in December I was in San Diego visiting a friend and we were out on a Saturday night and a few guys were talking to us. I figured as always they were there to talk to my friend and my friend's sister who are both gorgeous and thin. But then I realized that one of the guys who was 20 by the way and I am 38 was only talking to me. He was actually hitting one me and when he found out I was married he was really upset. So after my shock that he was actually hitting on me, I got VERY uncomfortable and wanted to get a cab right away. He was perfectly nice and not over stepping any bounds at all but I wanted to get the HELL out of there. WHY?

It was that night that I realized that maybe I have been trying to protect myself with the weight. I am not 100% sure that is what I am doing and I have a lot more soul searching to do but I think I am headed in the right direction.

If you want to friend me I would be happy to chat with you anytime. Take it one step at a time and you will get over the hurdle and start excepting compliments and attention again. Good luck!

RGPargy · February 2011

Hello!

So sorry that you have had a really REALLY rough time in your life. But you are obviously strong as you are getting through it and are doing something to shift the blanket of security you have surrounded yourself with.

I've not had anywhere near the rough time that you have, but I can however relate to self sabotage. As a teenager/young woman I was slim and attractive. Unfortunately this drew a lot of male attention and as I was quite shy, i never really knew how to brush men off or tell them to f*** off when they started hassling me! I gained a lot of weight too, which seemed to keep the fellas at bay. It was sort of bitter sweet though because i wanted to be wanted and desired but hated the unwanted attention from blokes i didn't fancy!

I'm still battling with self sabotage so i'm not entirely sure how to stop doing it! The only thing i have in my favour now is a wiser head on my shoulders and a sharper tongue! Oh and of course I want to feel good about myself again! I've also been in an abusive relationship so know how hard it is to believe in yourself again once you're out of it.

Please feel free to add me as a friend if you want some support!

:bigsmile:

taiyola · February 2011

I'm sorry to hear about your bad experiences. Like some of the others mentioned, maybe try some therapy - it has helped me with different issues along my short, yet very 'eventful', life and is definitely something to not be ashamed of.

I'm sure a lot of other people do this, too. Maybe even myself, I'm unsure. I like the attention, but as soon as anyone seriously comes on to me, I want to run a mile!

maffydavison · February 2011

I have always thought it odd that when men are large, they become more visible, but as women become large they become less visible. I know it sounds crazy, but weight - growing up and even as an adult - has always been a way of hiding for me. The idea of being seen meant being judged, and I'd rather just not play than be judged and found wanting.

So, now, I'm trying to lose weight for a variety of reasons, including wanting to grow older with whatever grace is possible. I want to run while I can, and go dancing, and whatever for as long as I can. I see my wonderful, beautiful mother-in-law struggling with mobility issues and she's not that old. I want to face the future better prepared for whatever aging brings.

So, how do I stop sabotaging myself as I become more visible? I don't have an answer, yet, but here are some things I try:

1. I don't weigh myself too often. If I'm down, I could sabotage myself; if I'm up, I could emotionally beat myself up (lose-lose)
2. I don't have easy snack foods around the house. If I get in a mood, and want to pig out, I'm less likely to do it if there isn't ice cream in the fridge and a bag of soy crisps in the pantry
3. I only drink on special occasions, and then only have one -- no more wine or beer with dinner at home.

That's as far as I've gotten. Most of the time, I manage to stay a friend to myself instead of turning into my worst enemy.
Small steps. One day at a time -- heck, even that's too big a time chunk some days...one log entry at a time is more like it.

Stay strong, you gorgeous, feisty woman you!

LadyPersia · February 2011

{{{{{Hugs}}}}} We can do this! You are beautiful and deserve to be loved. One day at a time!!

boxingsquirrel · February 2011

I'm so impressed you can share that with us all. You seem like a lovely AND beautiful woman!

Over the years I've known both sides of things weight wise. In my late teens I greatly under ate and exercised a lot. Then due to various circumstances I wasn't able to exercise as much and as a reaction to situations I started to over eat as a kind of comfort and something to hide behind.

I wish you all the luck to turn things around for yourself. There is always someone who will love you for who you are. x

jillcaudill · February 2011

I'm sorry honey. I understand how you feel. I was raped at 13, 17, and 18 years old. I had/ have some pretty serious issues because of it, although very different from yours. I've been through therapy and over the years things are much better, although I still have some deep set things that creep up here and there. You are not alone, and you should never be scared to be noticed. Be loud, be proud, be confident... let the *kitten* out there know that they cannot bring you down any longer, be the pretty thin girl you know you are inside and scream at the top of your lungs that they will never keep that from you. Good luck on your journey.

VictorianJade · February 2011

Thank you, folks.

I tend to be mostly okay, it's just when things go really well that I tend to start freaking out. The anniversary of that date is approaching, and I get cagey around this time of year.

I appreciate your support.

Fear & Self-Sabotage

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