how to help stroke the male ego?

bynsky
bynsky Posts: 15,837 Member
edited September 24 in Motivation and Support
OK, so the subject is an attention getter - I'll admit that. I'm having some issues with my hubby currently. He's VERY old fashioned, and it took him quite a while to get used to not paying for everything and understanding that I would probably be the main bread winner in our family. Well, he recently was forced to take a 20% cut (hours and pay) where he works. He was told it was temporary (90 days or less) and that everyone was having to do this. He's VERY down on himself about this, and even more so since my birthday is this Friday. I told him that if he needs to put off getting me something, I understand. He didn't seem to like that reaction. Stress is through the roof on his end, and just when he had finally decided to try to quit smoking... which is obviously down the tubes for now.

Just curious, guys out there, if there are any suggestions on trying to stroke his male ego to keep his stress at bay. Or, if it's as I assume and I should just leave him alone about this until it goes away on its own. The man is very pessimisstic (he calls himself a realist, but it's ALWAYS the bad side of the coin) and bottles things up A LOT.

Any advise or suggestions would be appreciated, even if it's just something to make me laugh!

Replies

  • Charlie002
    Charlie002 Posts: 60
    Act like you are helpless at something, and need his manliness to fix it.
  • jenbusick
    jenbusick Posts: 528 Member
    bump.

    Hoping the guys hereabout will chime in!
  • gadzu
    gadzu Posts: 7
    Ummm... lots of sex. It's as easy as that.
  • pkgirrl
    pkgirrl Posts: 587
    I was actually just about to suggest that!

    My boyfriend's the same way, so whenever he gets down I ask him to fix my computer. I've intentionally downloaded viruses before just to give him something to do lol! But it is something he's good at. He's not so much the handyman type, but he's kind of geeky and quite proud of his computer skills, so I just remind him that his brains are what I feel for in the first place, and then tell him my computer's running slow as molasses and I have no clue why =p
  • byHISstrength
    byHISstrength Posts: 984 Member
    Make a list of things that you are thankful for about him, and let him know at least one of them everyday. Do the things you know he likes. And instead of telling him he can put off getting you a birthday gift, let him know he doesn't have to get you anything...that just having him is enough.
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  • PoleBoy
    PoleBoy Posts: 255 Member
    Suggest something he can *do* for you on your birthday
  • smota
    smota Posts: 62
    I agree with a couple of the above. He probably needs to feel useful more than your sympathy - which can actually be quite irritating if he's already feeling low :S

    Don't mention presents, money, etc. Maybe at some stages he's not even thinking about it and you'll just be reminding him!

    And about the cigarettes... Why don't you tell him you'll be doing it anyway and would love him to join? All he needs is something else to focus on, really...

    All the best x
  • jmcniel
    jmcniel Posts: 65
    I wish that I could help, but I am exactly like him when I am stressed out. I will bottle it all up and I am usually a ticking time bomb, where little things that are meaningless set me off.


    My wife can usually senses when I am in this mood and will give the TV up so I can play video games, since that usually relieves any of the stress that I am holding on to. Just try and find things that he enjoys that do not cost anything, or are relativity inexpensive that can take his mind off of it. My step-dad would either work on cars or go fishing.
  • LarryPGH
    LarryPGH Posts: 349 Member
    As much as I hate to admit it, pkgirrl is right... we guys are "fixers" -- tell us about a problem, and we want to solve it (even if you just wanted to talk about why it's bugging you).

    is there something he's good at? is there something that you really want *done* (rather than *bought*)? pick something that's do-able, and make sure he knows that it's something that's really bothering you. If he doesn't jump at doing it, maybe you could drop hints that you wish you could do it.

    then make sure, once he does it, that he knows that you think that it's the best b-day gift *ever*!

    (Edited to fix grammar...)
  • byHISstrength
    byHISstrength Posts: 984 Member
    And instead of telling him he can put off getting you a birthday gift, let him know he doesn't have to get you anything...that just having him is enough.

    actually, it was due to his reply to the fact that I said he didn't have to get me anything where he was all pouty and stuff that I told him he could just put it off for a while then :smile:

    He sounds like a really sweet and thoughtful man. You are blessed. I'm sure this is really hard on him...my husband would probably the same. Just try not to take anything personal and give him a lot of grace right now. Let him know he is your hero.
  • ChefJenn
    ChefJenn Posts: 350 Member
    i dont so much have a husband that is that way about things b/c his mother was the Do-er in there home. and in my house my dad was mom & dad for me.
    But, i do most everything in my home b/c its who I am. Plus, I have always made more money than him b/c of my background and job status. But, Ive never put it in his face, nor has he had a problem with it
    As for the birthday gift, I would have not said to put it off b/c he cant pay for it.
    Why not say lets just cook a dinner together and rent a movie.. have a At home date night!!

    with the economy the way it is.. we dont share gifts at all. we make sure the kids in the family have things during holidays and that is it.
    we do little things for each other thru out the year.
    I personally at 31 dont want to celebrate my birthday anymore!! I dont want anything to remind me Im getting older.

    just my two cents
  • immacookie
    immacookie Posts: 7,424 Member
    I don't have any mind blowing suggestions.... my DH was out of work for almost 8 months in 2009... it was a rough time. After a couple of months I think he realized that we would be "ok" financially... sure we had to do some cutbacks, watch our grocery spending, cut back on the nights out, no trips anywhere, etc. But we were going to be "ok". He was still a little down, just because he was out of work, but the worst was over at that point.

    For his birthday I made a special dinner and got him a couple of books he wanted... nothing fancy, but it was "economical" and he liked it. Being old fashioned he may insist on getting you a gift anyway - but maybe try to steer him in the direction of some simple things like that and then "insist" that you don't need anything and that you have "too much already"... etc. etc. :wink:

    *hugs*
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
    Wish I had a clue. I wish you could discuss it with my wife. She apparently knows the secret, because I have no problems with my ego. We have both been the number one bread winner at different times in our relationship. It has never been an issue. She's very independent and so am I, but we meld perfectly.

    I am old-fashioned in many ways. I want to open doors for the women in my life. I want to protect them . I make them my number one priority. At the same time, we have many roles reversed. I like to cook. It gives me pleasure to prepare their favorite meals. I do my own laudry. We work in the yard together.

    Stroke my ego? Don't know. Guess it's in the way she touches me when I pass her in the kitchen. Or looks at me. The way she holds my face in her hands when she kisses me. That probably has something to do with it.
  • CasperO
    CasperO Posts: 2,913 Member
    Yeah,,, what dog said.

    For gosh sake, do not try to minimize the damage and act like this is no big deal. We're programmed from the factory to kill wildebeest to feed the fam. When he's having trouble doing that he already feels useless. Telling him that's not important just adds "Redundant" to the "Useless",,, with a side of "fretting over nothing" for dessert.

    You can't tell him what you want him to know, you have to act it, make it real. I dunno how to do it either, but you gals often have ways of doing stuff.

    The sex thing sounds good too,,, I'd want that. :wink:
  • newmeat30
    newmeat30 Posts: 766 Member
    Ummm... lots of sex. It's as easy as that.

    That would be my husband's response.
    Justin is that you????:laugh:
  • Mrs_McFadden
    Mrs_McFadden Posts: 1,139
    I'd definitely suggest a lot of sex. Most men would be happy about that no matter what...

    I think you could start to think of things he can do ..my husband takes my son to all of his own boyscouts events for example and often to his lacrosse games w/out me being there so I can do more for our two youngest children. Little things like that. I wouldn't break out a list of items that need to be done for example..that is far too obvious a way of saying "here do this busywork since you're making less money' or something..but if you're truly skillful at being subtle and dropping hints mention things that need to be done/fixed. For example..my kitchen sink needs to be replaced..LOL. You get the picture :)
  • CasperO
    CasperO Posts: 2,913 Member
    Justin is that you????:laugh:
    These aren't the husbands you're looking for,,,

    He can move along.
  • markja
    markja Posts: 270 Member
    Yeah,,, what dog said.

    For gosh sake, do not try to minimize the damage and act like this is no big deal. We're programmed from the factory to kill wildebeest to feed the fam. When he's having trouble doing that he already feels useless. Telling him that's not important just adds "Redundant" to the "Useless",,, with a side of "fretting over nothing" for dessert.

    You can't tell him what you want him to know, you have to act it, make it real. I dunno how to do it either, but you gals often have ways of doing stuff.

    The sex thing sounds good too,,, I'd want that. :wink:

    OK, you asked: CasperO is time-on-target. Jump his bones. That will make him feel good for a little while. But when he comes down, he still has to face the issue at hand. He needs to feel respected, NOT just loved and needed. Puppies are loved and garbage disposals are needed but neither one is respected. That is why you don't minimize his job.

    You gals want to feel loved and appreciated. We men want to feel respected. Most of us are not. Nagging, complaints to girlfriends, whining to Mom about our slovenliness, lack of discretion or poor taste is simply disrespectful. Seriously, don't treat us any worse than you would treat your boss and we will be fine.

    We don't want you to jump through hoops or greet us everyday wearing a negligee (once in a while is nice!) We just want a little respect. If I grill a steak, tell me it tastes good. If I fix something, tell me you like it. If I paint something, tell me it looks good. And, if I wash the dishes or do the laundry, let me know that I hit a home run.

    My wife is a willing practitioner of the above. And, I will swim through shark infested waters to bring her a glass of lemonade on a hot day and, God help the shark if he gets in my way. My ex never did and thus, became my ex.
  • iplayoutside19
    iplayoutside19 Posts: 2,304 Member
    OK, so the subject is an attention getter - I'll admit that. I'm having some issues with my hubby currently. He's VERY old fashioned, and it took him quite a while to get used to not paying for everything and understanding that I would probably be the main bread winner in our family. Well, he recently was forced to take a 20% cut (hours and pay) where he works. He was told it was temporary (90 days or less) and that everyone was having to do this.

    We went through this with my company about 18 months ago. They said it was temporary..but 90 days turned into six months.
    I enjoyed the extra day off for a little while, but not having the extra money got old quick.

    Like all men I have this urge to produce something. Just because I wasn't at work didn't mean I couldn't be productive. This is when I started Couch-to-5K. I got to do some things with the kids I normally wouldn't be doing. Did some inexpensive HI projects....but there was some golf.

    After you're done lighting up his world in the bedroom, brainstorm some other things that need to be done around the household. Time can be as just as powerful a resource as money, find ways he can use it.
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  • deandp371
    deandp371 Posts: 63
    Is he handy? Have any small or medium projects he could do that don't take a lot of time and money? That sure can help!

    Us guys don't mind a little gift from time to time as well. I got a nice work light recently to use for tinkering with the cars - and I love it!

    Hope things work out OK with his job...
  • dengarrett
    dengarrett Posts: 367
    Extra sex is great, and feeling needed is paramount, but it won't make money worries go away. If it were me, I would be very worried about taking care of my responsibilities. Do you have kids or grand kids to worry about? Let him know you guys are in this together. All of it - the money, the shopping, money making, etc. Treat the symptoms but don't try to brush aside the core worries because they don't go away.
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
    I think everybody, including myself, got off track and didn't see the real issue here. I re-read the thread and all the comments.

    If I may be serious for just this one time, I think it's all about communication and commitment. Both you and your husband need to know that you are both in this together. You need to communicate to each other that this is just a stumbling block that both of your are 100% committed to overcoming.

    When I met my wife, I was making $5 an hour as a temp. She was a young single mother of two. I was not what you would call a good prospect. She made it clear immediately that we were going to build our life together. We would work through anything life threw at us. We've done very well since then. I changed jobs and was the new kid on the block when the economy dumped in 2008. Was about 90% sure I was going to lose my job. She was 100% sure we could handle it if I did. We talked about it. We made contingency plans. We knew life might get hard. Luckily, it didn't. The most important thing was that I knew I had a partner to hold me up if I needed it.

    That's my serious take on it.

    Have a conversation. Great sex is a good exclamation point at the end of the conversation. I'll give ya that.
  • deandp371
    deandp371 Posts: 63
    You the man 'Dog!!! Good points...
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  • Diem30
    Diem30 Posts: 92
    I kind of skimmed down to the vey bottom just to reply so just based off your very first post I have this to say. I know I'm young and have no idea what it means to be in a commited relationship such as yours but I do know men (I have mainly only guy friends) it sounds to me that if your husband is feeling insecure about his work life then you should help make him feel more appreciated in your home life. For example praise him more often for the simple things he does everyday like taking out the trash or fixing the leaky faucet or something, let him know that making money isn't the the most important thing to make a happy marriage but the things you do for each other matter more.

    Hope that helps!
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