tell me a Joke...
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thecanface
Posts: 1,180 Member
in Chit-Chat
didnt want to come to work. when i did nothing was working, everything was going wrong, when i asked for someone to fix it they took a whole 2 hours and on top of that they were so annoyingly rude.
i'm annoyed. i dont want to be here. i am frustrated with everything. i have a headache. i need to get in a good mood. tell me a joke. make me smile.
i'm annoyed. i dont want to be here. i am frustrated with everything. i have a headache. i need to get in a good mood. tell me a joke. make me smile.
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Replies
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So a rabbi, a priest, and an insurance salesman all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"0
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DIVORCE versus MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."0 -
Ok... i have a corny one lol
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be baygulls (bagels) :bigsmile:0 -
A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.0
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taso thats hilarious0
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A Italian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you
Thinking?
He speaks english, Silly!0 -
A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.
LOVE! soo gross.0 -
Ok... i have a corny one lol
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be baygulls (bagels) :bigsmile:
hahah i laughed! i love corny jokes.0 -
So a rabbi, a priest, and an insurance salesman all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
ugh.0 -
DIVORCE versus MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
ooohhhh nice.0 -
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ????
OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!0 -
Whats E.T short for???......................................................................................Cos he's only got little legs!!!
I'd tell you a joke about a trash can......but its rubbish.....way!!
Ok I'm leaving!!....:grumble:0 -
An airplane takes off from JFK airport heading for LAX. Once it gets to cruising altitude, the pilot gets on the intercom and tells the passengers the altitude, estimated time of arrival and weather in LAX. Then he forgets to turn the intercom off and turns to the copilot and says, "all I need now is a blow job and a cup of coffee". The flight attendant realizes what happens, and horrified, starts sprinting toward the cockpit of the plane. Up near the front a little old man, grabs her arm and says, "sweetheart, don't forget the cup of coffee".
(too risque for this board?)0 -
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ????
OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!
AAAAAHAHAHAH!!0 -
Whats E.T short for???......................................................................................Cos he's only got little legs!!!
I'd tell you a joke about a trash can......but its rubbish.....way!!
Ok I'm leaving!!....:grumble:
ahhaha i like the ET one.0 -
Dont take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
:noway:0 -
An airplane takes off from JFK airport heading for LAX. Once it gets to cruising altitude, the pilot gets on the intercom and tells the passengers the altitude, estimated time of arrival and weather in LAX. Then he forgets to turn the intercom off and turns to the copilot and says, "all I need now is a blow job and a cup of coffee". The flight attendant realizes what happens, and horrified, starts sprinting toward the cockpit of the plane. Up near the front a little old man, grabs her arm and says, "sweetheart, don't forget the cup of coffee".
(too risque for this board?)
i saw that one coming.. but still funny!0 -
I work at a jr high & the kids like to tell me Chuck Norris jokes::laugh:
-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad chuck Norris doesn't cry.
-When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris'd
-Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired
-Death once had a near-chuck norris experience
-Chuck Norris can drown a fish underwater
-chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
Hope these help, It's all I got.0 -
i'm crackin some smiles guys!
Thanks!0 -
I work at a jr high & the kids like to tell me Chuck Norris jokes::laugh:
-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad chuck Norris doesn't cry.
-When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris'd
-Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired
-Death once had a near-chuck norris experience
-Chuck Norris can drown a fish underwater
-chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
Hope these help, It's all I got.
LOVE chuck Noriss jokes!!!! i can't even picka favorite.. all funny! the water gets chuck norrised LOL0
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