too many friends

fitoverfifty · February 2011

I love people, and have accepted quite a few friends requests.
But... I am finding it hard to "support" all these people, as there are so many that I can't really keep them apart. So I'm ending up writing stuff like " good job" on their daily updates, but I feel I'm not really supporting them.

I may have to cut my number of "friends" . I don't want to be mean, but I'd like to feel like I have the time to read the diaries, and other things about the ones I do have, so I can actually " know" them a little.

I also haven't accepted any more friends, even though I am flattered that they send me invites.

Do other people feel this way?

taso42_DELETED · February 2011

Yes it is hard to keep up with everybody. I try to scroll down through the wall and give kudos to everyone, but inevitably we miss somebody, due to timing, timezones, etc. The hardest statuses to reply to are the ones reaching out for help or support or motivation. Those are, in my opinion, the most important ones to reply to. When someone finishes a workout or drops 1 lb, they already feel great. But when someone is desperately trying to get on track is when they need a little nudge the most.

gentlebreeze2 · February 2011

Yes!

sdwsara · February 2011

looking for support, I am here to help

MochaMixAZ · February 2011

YES.

I just trimmed my friends list about in half. As you mentioned, it's not to be mean, and I wish everyone the best.... but I can't keep up. And since this is really about what YOU need as support with a byproduct of supporting others, I think it's the right thing to do. That way, I'm invested in those that I have as friends (as I hope they are in me)... and I can give the attention they deserve without just writing a blanket "YAY!" or "GOOD JOB!"

If you feel it's important or someone may be hurt by you removing them as a friend, consider sending an email note with an explanation. Another option is to add people to facebook or twitter - it's 1 way to keep in touch without feeling obligated to check-in on a daily basis.

I may be perceived as selfish, but my weight journey is my own. I want to surround myself with hand-picked, positive, empowering, energized people. I want to support them as they support me. To do that well, I have to limit my friend pool. Luckily, the community here is large and wonderful, so I know they will find the support they also need.

Best of luck to you, my wise friend.
D.

mrmarius · February 2011

i understand that one, i constantly keep hitting my limit and half of the people on my list i dont even know who they are, the others are kinda like a tight knit group and we all encourage each other. i check on as many as i can and those who seem to be inactive or dont interact eventually get cut

jodie_t · February 2011

I just take them out of my newsfeed rather than delete them as friends (click the "hide" button - -roll mouse over right end of one of their messages on your news feed updates) You can always "unhide" them later if you change your mind..

VegGrrl · February 2011

I totally understand what you're saying, and the same thoughts have crossed my mind. But don't underestimate the value of those brief "Way to go!"s or "Just keep it up - it'll happen"s. I know that one little comment can give me a huge boost - it means there are people out there who ARE reading my posts and took a moment to give an attagirl or a little support...Sometimes that's all one needs to feel validated in whatever they're going through.

:flowerforyou:

anubis609 · February 2011

I think everyone feels the same way regarding so many people to "support." Though, my belief is that unless they're personally asking me, specifically, for some sort of help/motivation/general advice through a pm or a post on my wall that I can easily see when I click on my profile page, then I think they've pretty much got it covered. I do believe in independent self-motivation, and I express that almost on a daily basis. So, I tend to help people in order to help themselves and get them going in the right direction. It makes it a bit easier on myself to do that rather than constantly give general accolades and positive affirmations to everyone. I will, if I see them on current status updates, but I won't go searching for prior adds that either haven't logged in or haven't had contact with me since the add.

SunLovin1 · February 2011

I just take them out of my newsfeed rather than delete them as friends (click the "hide" button - -roll mouse over right end of one of their messages on your news feed updates) You can always "unhide" them later if you change your mind..

That's what I do. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So far, I haven't cut anyone, but if it gets to the point where I'm really not being of any use to them and I can't keep up with them all, maybe I'll have to go that route. But for now, happy as a clam and loving all the support I've been getting. I just hope I'm returning the favor enough. :happy:

jaduff · February 2011

I completely agree with you veggrrl, sometimes it's nice just to know someone cares and is paying attention. I don't expect a full pep talk constantly, I just like a little affirmation that I'm doing well.

HealthyishWithMaggieG · February 2011

Thank you for posting this! I was about to post something about friend requests and friend support on here, but couldn't figure out the way to put it or where to put it (what category).

I just sent messages to 4 people last night that have sent me friend requests and I have no idea who they are or why they want to be my friend. I'm not using MFP to be a friend collector. That's what Twitter is for. (Well, partly. I connect with my Twitter followers too.) I'm here, using MFP, to get healthy. I think I have a pretty healthy outlook on how to make it happen. If I can be of assistance to anyone that needs support, I would like to help. Really, I would.

BUT, if I don't already know you, please tell me why you're reaching out to me and want to be my friend. You may be a very nice person, but I already know a lot of very nice people. I wish you well on your journey. If I've said something in the forums that you liked, that confused you and you need an explanation, inspired you, whatever, please let me know that. It will give us something to build on.

Think of it this way... Have you ever heard of a situation where someone is at a store and they're not receiving the level of customer service that they feel they're entitled to and they say, "Don't you know who I AM?" That's what it feels like someone is saying to me when they send me a friend request without introducing themselves or adding any kind of comment to go with the friend request. "Don't you know who I am and that you should be so honored as to be my friend?" Uh, "Decline".

Okay, rant over.

Oh, and fitoverfifty, it's not being mean by reducing the number of "friends" you have here. You're doing people a disservice if you don't do that. By not having the people around that you're truly not connected to, you're freeing up time to spend connecting with people you really do want to support. (Did I just confuse you too. I think I confused myself.) Less "friends" = More real friends.

KeepOnMoving · February 2011

I can totally relate! I don't know why people ask me to be there friends when I am doing all the cheering and I either barely hear from them or not at all. I am thinking about deleting the ones that not at all respond to me and just keeping my close group (regulars) and some that respond to me once a week.

My life is going to get busier so I am going to have to limit my MFP time anyway.

YourFriendBecky · February 2011

I'm one of those that kind of wishes that the newsfeeds and profiles weren't clogged up with who commented on whose updates, or even just the daily "stayed within calories" or "walked 30 minutes". If you have a lot of friends and try and keep up with everyone's diaries and exercise, it would be exhausting. I wish the newsfeed was more just for announcements of weight loss and personal handwritten updates and comments and questions, more conversational and Facebook-like. Would make it a lot easier and more interesting. But that's just me... I have my personal settings set to no automatic news feed updates on me... and I know many people like, and even expect, daily kudos on their diaries and exercise.

Oh, and I totally agree with Maggie... people sending friend requests should send some kind of a message!

Andi_Mo · February 2011

Agree with every word of this

Oops see below. lol

Andi_Mo · February 2011

Yes it is hard to keep up with everybody. I try to scroll down through the wall and give kudos to everyone, but inevitably we miss somebody, due to timing, timezones, etc. The hardest statuses to reply to are the ones reaching out for help or support or motivation. Those are, in my opinion, the most important ones to reply to. When someone finishes a workout or drops 1 lb, they already feel great. But when someone is desperately trying to get on track is when they need a little nudge the most.

cardbucfan · February 2011

Thank you for posting this! I was about to post something about friend requests and friend support on here, but couldn't figure out the way to put it or where to put it (what category).

I just sent messages to 4 people last night that have sent me friend requests and I have no idea who they are or why they want to be my friend. I'm not using MFP to be a friend collector. That's what Twitter is for. (Well, partly. I connect with my Twitter followers too.) I'm here, using MFP, to get healthy. I think I have a pretty healthy outlook on how to make it happen. If I can be of assistance to anyone that needs support, I would like to help. Really, I would.

BUT, if I don't already know you, please tell me why you're reaching out to me and want to be my friend. You may be a very nice person, but I already know a lot of very nice people. I wish you well on your journey. If I've said something in the forums that you liked, that confused you and you need an explanation, inspired you, whatever, please let me know that. It will give us something to build on.

Think of it this way... Have you ever heard of a situation where someone is at a store and they're not receiving the level of customer service that they feel they're entitled to and they say, "Don't you know who I AM?" That's what it feels like someone is saying to me when they send me a friend request without introducing themselves or adding any kind of comment to go with the friend request. "Don't you know who I am and that you should be so honored as to be my friend?" Uh, "Decline".

Okay, rant over.

Oh, and fitoverfifty, it's not being mean by reducing the number of "friends" you have here. You're doing people a disservice if you don't do that. By not having the people around that you're truly not connected to, you're freeing up time to spend connecting with people you really do want to support. (Did I just confuse you too. I think I confused myself.) Less "friends" = More real friends.

Oh my word do I agree with this! I always feel awful when I get a friend request from somebody who I have no idea who they are or why they want to be friends. I love the requests that come with a message and I pretty much always accept those. I will also go check folks profiles and if it hasn't been filled out or there are no pictures I'll pretty much always decline. I try to give attagirl/attaboy's to the folks who I interact with alot and to those who don't appear to get alot of other praise comments. I also try to always respond to those who write a status report. But I am getting close to defriending a few folks who I think have given up. Just unclutter things.

LM_105 · February 2011

I accept all friend requests at the moment. I only log on once or twice a day and I offer encouraging words to those on the news feed at those times, a few I regularly seem to run into, I think there is a difference between 'encouragement' and 'support'. I am good on the encouragement bit and feel happy with the 'great' 'well done' comments I receive, it helps. I think this shows that person thought about me for that moment and acknowledged me. Depending on where you are in the weight loss journey different things will be useful/helpful.

I personally don't offer support or guidance to anyone unless they asked for it specifically. If someone does have a diary for public view on my friends list I have a glance as feel I might find some ideas for myself for meals which I personally find helpful, but again that is only relelvant to those on the news feed at the times I log in. I wouldn't dream of telling someone what they should or shouldn't be eating.

Maybe rather than deleting friends you could just look at those around the time you log on? Ultimately do what feels right for you.

Bermudabarbie · February 2011

I didn't know that you could "hide" people from your news feed. Maybe that's what some people have done to me. I'm not sure. It seems like I hear from people for awhile and then the communications just stops. I try to send positive energy to most of my friends, whether they are "active" or not.

You can't tell why some people want you as a friend. Perhaps it is something you have written on a Message Board or they see that you have done well and want to learn from you. What's wrong with that?

I don't belong to Twitter nor to Facebook (what am I the only one who doesn't)? MFP is a special group. We are all on a weight loss/ maintenance journey. I learn from and am inspired by so many of my MFP friends. I believe the more friends you have, the better. Yes, it is difficult to keep up with all of my friends. But people understand. Even just a WTG or Good Job means a tremendous amount to me.

Very few, if any of us, are professional psychologists or nutritionists. We are all learning. I love having input from so many caring, thoughtful women and men throughout the English Speaking world. I think this is what is so very special about MFP. You can sign-in almost 24/7 and get a MFP bud to inspire you and motivate you.

Each person is different. I know that I couldn't do this without my MFP friends.

WhiskeyBravo · February 2011

I felt the same way, but on the other side of the coin.... I didn't want someone to constantly have to comment on my workouts or staying under goal...so I just "unchecked" my own newsfeeds for weight loss, stayng under calories and completing work outs.

Sometimes I'll see someone stayed under their goal and see a list of "way to go's" and "good jobs" then I'll look in the diary and the person only had like 800 calories from 2 slices of pizza for the whole day or something crazy like that...I can only assume that everyone is trying to be supportive for everyone on their friend list and simply doesn't have the time to look at into every diary.

If someone is reaching out for support in an update of message board...that's where I like to make sure to spend some time.

Hope I didn't offend anyone

xoxo
bonnie g

HealthyishWithMaggieG · February 2011

Sometimes I'll see someone stayed under their goal and see a list of "way to go's" and "good jobs" then I'll look in the diary and the person only had like 800 calories from 2 slices of pizza for the whole day or something crazy like that...I can only assume that everyone is trying to be supportive for everyone on their friend list and simply doesn't have the time to look at into every diary.

Hey, Bonnie!

It's things like this that make me want to only connect with people I really know or people that I interact with regularly. If I see someone's completed their food diary and they're under their calorie goal by eating poorly, I call them on it. I try to be supportive in the way I say it, rather than being critical, but I don't let it slide because I would expect them to do the same for me. (BTW, right now, just the fact that I'm logging anything is a success for me because weight loss isn't on my mind while I'm going through a difficult time personally. I'm okay with my food being "outta whack" while I just get through this. I'll be back on track in about 2 weeks.)

I've told my real friends, if you see my updates and they say I haven't logged in for X days, get on my case. Ask me where the heck I've been and why I'm not logging in. That's why we're friends on MFP, in addition to Facebook, Twitter & real life. Keep me in line and I'll do the same for you.

HealthyishWithMaggieG · February 2011

You can't tell why some people want you as a friend. Perhaps it is something you have written on a Message Board or they see that you have done well and want to learn from you. What's wrong with that?

If that was due to anything I said, I didn't mean that there's anything wrong with a stranger reaching out to request being my friend. I'm thoroughly flattered if someone asks to be my friend and I welcome it. My only point is that I believe it's rude to just send a friend request without introducing yourself, if you don't already have some sort of friendship/relationship with the person outside of MFP.

too many friends

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