How should I handle this situation?

Options
Lisa1971
Lisa1971 Posts: 3,069 Member
in Chit-Chat
My mother in law keeps asking me to bring the kids over to her house. My daughter is 5 and has been over there one time. My son is 16 months and has NEVER been to her house. Why? Because she lives in complete filth. She has a flea problem, mouse problem, and has 5 cats that pee wherever they want. My husband tried to talk to her about her house last year but she started to cry and hung up on him. I do NOT want to hurt her feelings but I am not bringing my kids over to her disgusting house. She comes over to my house to see the kids, babysit, etc. I hear from very reliable sources that the situation is getting worse but she is in denial and thinks it's fine. Her house is also literally falling apart. Missing tiles in the kitchen and part of the stairs are gone on her basement stairs. The last time I was there (years ago) their was moldly food on the countertops and dirt and trash on the floors.

Last year when she went to the local pool with me and the kids my daughter kept telling her that her cooler smelled like cat pee. It smelled horrible but she kept saying "What? I don't smell anything", probably because she is so used to the smell.

I've tried to tell her that her house isnt' babyproofed and she said "Oh, I'll babyproof it for the kids." If I were to tell her that she has fleas she'll tell me she doesn't. My husband won't talk to her again about it because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Welll, neither do I but I don't know how to delicately handle this and I hate being in this situation!

Any ideas or advice would be greatly appreciated. I do not want to hurt her but I am very worried about the well being and safety of my kids. What would YOU do?
«1

Replies

  • mrsbullard21
    mrsbullard21 Posts: 24
    Options
    I don't know what I would do other than tell her - as politely as possible - that her house isn't clean enough for my kids to be over there. I think sometimes you can only be straightforward and honest, especially in a situation like this one...and given that it's a matter of cleanliness, not just I-don't-want-my-kids-at-your-house, you may have to just be blunt.
    It's a sticky situation, that's for sure!
  • Lisa1971
    Lisa1971 Posts: 3,069 Member
    Options
    I know but I'm such a chicken. I hate making people upset. :( But I know it does have to be done. Just trying to think of a way to do it as "nicely" as possible, if that's even possible. :sad:
  • getfitdiva
    getfitdiva Posts: 1,148 Member
    Options
    My friend has actually been through a similar situation before w/ her MIL. Especially fleas (her kids would come home with 100 flea bites). I would be honest with my MIL and express your concern for the safety and health of your kids (put it on the kids). It may hurt her feelings at first but if she can address it then it will be a long term health solution for her and every else who visits her home. If you explain that you love her involvement in the kids' life and you want them all to be close, but you will only allow her to come to your house or meet at a cleaner/safer environment then maybe it will be an eye-opening reality to her. Tippy toeing around it will only make the situation more uncomfortable and unhealthy in the long run for everyone.
  • rosebarnalice
    rosebarnalice Posts: 3,488 Member
    Options
    Honestly, I don't think it's your job to tell her-- it's her son's. And if he can't face her, then he needs to grow up.

    By putting you in the position of being the go-between between himself and his own mommy, he is being a coward. Your husband needs to man up and protect his children. Maybe he can offer to help her "kid proof" (e.g "clean the hell out of") Mom's house.
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
    Options
    I'd be honest with her, but since it's your MIL, I think it's up to you husband to have that conversation with her.
  • Atlantique
    Atlantique Posts: 2,484 Member
    Options
    No one should be in that house, and certainly not children! Is there even a question of that?

    You just have to stand your ground. You aren't bringing your children there, period, end of story. If you are comfortable with having her visit you in your own home, then let her know that your door is open to her. The issue is not HER, the issue is the unsafe condition of her home.

    You need not feel bad about this. Not at ALL!

    'Being nice' in this situation is being truthful. You are uncomfortable with the safety of your children in that environment, and as you are their mother and your first obligation is to them, you choose not to bring them to her home. You are not rejecting HER, you are meeting your responsibilities as the mother to two lovely children. If she would like to see your children, she may come to your home or you can make arrangements to meet her somewhere other than her home.

    Believe it or not, this is NICE. This is kind. Lying to her or going against your own beliefs is UNKIND to you and ENABLING to her mental health disorder.

    If a friend were asking you the question you asked us, what advice would you give the friend? Be kind enough to give yourself that same advice.

    I think you might really enjoy this book, too: http://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/006091565X
  • superwmn
    superwmn Posts: 936
    Options
    I understand your concern over not hurting her feelings, but if your children were to get hurt or sick while over at her house, that would hurt YOUR feelings. Not sure what the most delicate way to say 'no' is, but I recommend you continue to do so for the safety of your kids.

    Charmagne
  • eellis2000
    eellis2000 Posts: 465 Member
    Options
    i understand not wanting your children there, but maybe your husband could help her clean it up. after being around a certain smell for a while you tend not to smell it anymore. it can't be anymore healthy for your MIL or her animals than it is for the kids. maybe if he approaches the health factor she might listen if he's willing to help.
  • BrandonMB
    BrandonMB Posts: 21 Member
    Options
    Are you sure your MIL and my parents aren't the same people. We have much the same situation, fortunately my parents are 1500 miles away, which means that we don't have to deal with the situation regularly. I don't know what your financial situation is, however I found a good way of dealing with it was to hire a cleaning service to go into their house once a week. I gave it to them as a christmas present and had already scheduled the first appointment so there was no way they could say no without being even more rude. I positioned it that they were getting older and shouldn't have to bother themselves with keeping up the house, they were doing a great job, but that they could better use that time to go out, have a walk, play at the park with their grandkids, etc.

    The cleaning service is relatively cheap, it totals out to about $125 a month. While that seems like alot of money, it's less than alot of peoples cable bills, and it means that I get the peace of mind of not only knowing that I can bring the kids over, but also that my parents are safe in their house as they age.
  • 951heather
    951heather Posts: 75 Member
    Options
    Your husband should just tell her that you guys have allergies and that the cats' fur and smell of urine bothers you; therefore you cannot visit her at her house. She sounds like a hoarder.
  • HalfofHilary
    HalfofHilary Posts: 224
    Options
    Have you thought about offering to Help her "Baby Proof" the house? Maybe she just needs some help. You can't see things when you are constantly living in that situation. I wouldn't recommend saying.. I am coming to clean your house, but maybe for her birthday or something you can offer to hire a housecleaning crew and light some Flea bombs.
  • WillPillageYourVillageForFood
    WillPillageYourVillageForFood Posts: 777 Member
    Options
    I would also be concerned that there are some mental health issues going on with her. If she is living in a house where there is moldy food on counters, missing tiles from the floors, parts of stairs missing, trash on the floors, flea and mice infestation, and the multiple cats not using litter boxes there appears to be an underlying issue that goes beyond normal negligence. Her feeling that this is perfectly normal speaks volumes too. I completely understand your reluctance to have your children exposed to that, but I also feel that your husband and you should intervene for her safety and wellbeing. It is not easy to confront someone about these types of issues but it really needs to be addressed.
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
    Options
    Your husband should just tell her that you guys have allergies and that the cats' fur and smell of urine bothers you; therefore you cannot visit her at her house. She sounds like a hoarder.

    Don't agree with making stuff up because telling the truth is uncomfortable. Sometimes grownups have to do unpleasant things. It's always better to tell the truth.
  • Jaedynmoon
    Jaedynmoon Posts: 280 Member
    Options
    I dealt with the same situation. My mom and step-dad have 4 dogs and 3 cats and the dogs go where ever the hell they want in that house and it is disgusting. When I was pregnant with my daughter ( 2 1/2 yrs) I just straight out told my mom that all the animals bother me, her house is cluttered and crowded, and I would not be going in her house pregnant OR with my child. To this day my daughter hasn't stepped foot in that house. Did it hurt her feelings? Of course it did but I'm not suffering through that or having my daughter around that filth. Does your mom, by chance, suffer from depression or anything? My mom suffers from schizophrenia/ depression/ anxiety orders...all that and I know the whole hoarding and lack of cleaning/organization goes with that quite often. I know how hard it is and I'm sorry you have to deal with that too. It really sucks.
  • amarie35
    amarie35 Posts: 338 Member
    Options
    I also think it should be your husband that talks to her. Actually, the both of you can talk with her togethter. I'd do it the next time that she comes to your house to visit. Get your parents or other family members to watch your kids & just invite her over for dinner one night. After dinner, sit down & just be honest and tell her the truth.

    Maybe you can get a few brochers on cleanilness & how all of that clutter & cat piss is not only harmful to your children, but also to everyone in the house.....including her. If you can't find any brochers, look it up online & just print her as much info as you can find on cleanliness & how important 'childproofing' really is. Let her know that living in that kind of environment, is bad for her & that she is just purposely shortening her own life as well as those around her.

    I think that if you both sit down with her and explain how you both truly feel; show emotions, she shouldn't get mad at you. Let her see how the situation is affecting everyone involved. After all, it is your kids health & safety that you are most concerned with. And that shouldn't make her mad. If anything, It should show her what really good parents you are.
  • Val_from_OH
    Val_from_OH Posts: 447 Member
    Options
    This is such a difficult and delicate issue. My MIL's house is the same way. She lives far away, so we don't have to deal very often. We went there when my son was barely 2, and in addition to the filth, she had lit candles sitting on the floor, scissors in reach, a coffee can with turpentine sitting on the floor, and more! We ended up staying with a friend on that trip and the next trip to her area. I guess she got the point, because she has put some serious effort into cleaning up and decluttering.

    Since your MIL is close, this needs to be addressed promptly and firmly. Your husband, not you, should have a face to face with her at her house. He should explain that the environment is just not safe for the kids, and if she argues, he will be right there to show her an example. He should also offer to help. Anyone who has ever had a room or closet get out of control knows that the task is much more manageable when you have company. He could offer one full weekend of cleaning, and then say that either you or him will come over for one evening a week until the house is safe and ready for your kids to visit. I would recommend setting a deadline, and making the first visit an event - like movie night at grandma's house or something along those lines.

    Good luck - I do not envy you.
  • hroush
    hroush Posts: 2,073 Member
    Options
    Your husband needs to tell her, but wrap it with a little bow. Tell him to start out with a compliment or something really nice, bad news, and then end with something nice. This will soften the blow, but it needs to be dealt with straight up.
  • bethrs
    bethrs Posts: 664 Member
    Options
    Your husband needs to tell her, but wrap it with a little bow. Tell him to start out with a compliment or something really nice, bad news, and then end with something nice. This will soften the blow, but it needs to be dealt with straight up.

    To add to this, be sure to remind her that you are only having such a difficult conversation with her because you both love her and want her to be apart of your children's lives.
  • Gingerlvr5
    Gingerlvr5 Posts: 9
    Options
    It seems she might be an animal hoarded which means trouble. Best bet is psychiatric help for her. Keep having her visit,talk to your. husband about animal hoarding situations. There is help.,,
  • Shannon023
    Shannon023 Posts: 14,529 Member
    Options
    I would also be concerned that there are some mental health issues going on with her. If she is living in a house where there is moldy food on counters, missing tiles from the floors, parts of stairs missing, trash on the floors, flea and mice infestation, and the multiple cats not using litter boxes there appears to be an underlying issue that goes beyond normal negligence. Her feeling that this is perfectly normal speaks volumes too. I completely understand your reluctance to have your children exposed to that, but I also feel that your husband and you should intervene for her safety and wellbeing. It is not easy to confront someone about these types of issues but it really needs to be addressed.

    I agree with this. :smile:

Categories