Please NOTICE me...

usmcpatience
usmcpatience Posts: 168
edited September 24 in Motivation and Support
When I was two it was the "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" stage.
When I was in third grade, I was in a specialized art program and CRAVED praise for my work.
When I was in middle school it was the poetic punk stage...
When I was in High School it was the musicals, the good grades, and the outgoing first-to-volunteer personality...
When I was in college it was living for the comments that the professors would write on my pieces...

I've always needed ACKNOWLEDGMENT and PRAISE.
I can't help it....
It's part of who I am.

Not ONCE since I've joined MFP (a little over 50 days ago...I am now 13 pounds down, a total of almost 8 inches lost, and a full pants-size down as well) have I been NOTICED or ACKNOWLEDGE by anyone. Not once has someone said, "Wow, Sam! You look like you've lost weight!" or, "Wow! You look great!"...

Now, I know that I've only lost 13 pounds. That's not a ton. I can notice a difference, but apparently no one else can. I realize I am in a house pretty much all the time with a two-year old. I don't work out of the house, so it's not like I have coworkers that see me everyday and could notice. My family is 800+ miles away, so it's been since Christmas that I have seen them...
But the real person I'm waiting for the acknowledgement from is my HUSBAND.
Sure, he's been supportive...If I tell him I lost another pound he'll say, "Good for you, honey!" If I ask him not to, he'll refrain from devouring the hot fudge sundae infront of me...He's put up with my calorie counting and cooking "lighter."
But I want him to notice me!
The other day I caved and prompted him. I said, "I don't think it even looks like I've lost any weight."
His response: "Sure...From the back it looks like you've lost a little."
I felt like I could cry.

Fellow MFPers have been super supportive and encouraging. But you don't KNOW me. You don't SEE ME everyday...
It'd be nice for my husband to be excited and observant (about something other than hunting) for once.
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Replies

  • fuzzymel
    fuzzymel Posts: 400 Member
    Oh man I totally understand. I actually had a rant on here a couple of days ago.

    I have lost 12lbs no one has noticed. My husband lost around 14lbs with very little effort and everyone notices. I am feeling really hurt. We all need a little acknowlegement and encouragement.

    Big hugs to you.
  • usmcpatience
    usmcpatience Posts: 168
    Right back at you! Thank you for the friend add!
  • isabelk
    isabelk Posts: 153 Member
    LOL just tell him. My hubby loves to hear affirming words, but I am such an idiot about things like that. Now he says, "I need you to talk to me about how great I'm doing with this diet." And then I go, right, right, you ARE doing great. I do notice, I just don't say it usually. I do the same thing back, I say, "I really need you to listen to me whine and then make me a cup of coffee." And then he does :) So just tell your hubby, give him really clear instructions. He might just follow them!
  • drog2323
    drog2323 Posts: 1,343 Member
    to his defense and people who know you - i think if people see you every day, they don't notice as much. about 10 yrs ago, i dropped about 70 lbs and people that i worked with didn't notice a change until i hit about 30 lbs or so. It's different for everyone.

    keep doing what you are doing and people will notice - plus you have already, which is a win.

    13 lbs is great!
  • BeautifulScarsWECHANGED
    BeautifulScarsWECHANGED Posts: 749 Member
    I feel your pain. HANG IN THERE! It wasn't until I lost 50 pounds, then the compliments came. Not too encouraging, I know, but just hang in there.
  • rebecky27
    rebecky27 Posts: 842 Member
    to his defense and people who know you - i think if people see you every day, they don't notice as much. about 10 yrs ago, i dropped about 70 lbs and people that i worked with didn't notice a change until i hit about 30 lbs or so. It's different for everyone.

    keep doing what you are doing and people will notice - plus you have already, which is a win.

    13 lbs is great!
    I agree with this. All of a sudden, people will be like "OMG!! You look great!!! What is your secret?!" lol
    Keep up the good work, and the praise will come!
  • whiskey9890
    whiskey9890 Posts: 652 Member
    unfortunately the people that see you every day are the ones least likely to notice as they are seeing the changes occur gradually in front of their eyes. get yourself wrapped up deny him any "privaliges" so he can't see any changes, keep up the good work and pounce on him one night i bet he notices then lol.

    seriously though alot other halves although supportive may not say something in fear of saying the wrong thing and upsetting you, or more likely he loves you for who you are not just what you look like

    keep up the good work you're doing great!!!
  • stellcorb
    stellcorb Posts: 294 Member
    Totally understand. I'm down 58 (little more than my original goal) and he still doesn't compliment me without being prompted unless he's, you know, in the mood. I will say, though, that others really started to comment when I was about 40 down. Of course, that seems like alot and you don't even need to lose that much but overall, I understand. You need to have that 1 friend that notices these things. Waiting on observations from husbands can be frustrating but sometimes if you look, he may compliment in more subtle, less verbal ways.
  • NoWomb4More
    NoWomb4More Posts: 30 Member
    I can sympathize, my husband is very much the same way. ((hugs)) to you
  • LOVEthighSELF
    LOVEthighSELF Posts: 104 Member
    This happened to me too. I was 158 lost about 15lbs before a few people started noticing. Once I lost 20 everyone is noticing. I Ok so I have 2 rolls of paper towels. Think of your body as one of the rolls of paper towels. The tube being the thin you. Each layer of paper towel is a # of fat. Pull of 15 paper towels of the 'you' roll and sit it next to the other roll. Not much of a differnce huh. BUT now pull of 15 more!-- now you are starting to really see the difference in the rolls. And buy the time you reach the tube (your goal weight) everyone is gonna notice!
  • FearAnLoathing
    FearAnLoathing Posts: 4,852 Member
    He sees you everyday of course its not going to be noticable right away.That like expecting him to notice that your hair is growing its so gradual no one that sees you everyday will notice right away.try not to let it get to you cuz it sounds like you have a really supportave man
  • Cmccracken1
    Cmccracken1 Posts: 326 Member
    i know what you mean, i have been married for 10 years i had lost 30 lbs before my hubby started giving me any compliments.. and even my friends never mentioned anything till i got to the 30 lb point. when they did ask if i had lost some weight and i said yea 30 lbs they couldnt believe i was ever that heavy.. i guess i carried it well but still it's been very very hard and it's even harder when you dont get that constant reinforcement of people noticing your hard work... But men and men what they say and what we hear are a lot of the time two totally different things. so keep your chin up and remember you need to do this for you not for anyone else.
  • tammyquinnlmt
    tammyquinnlmt Posts: 680 Member
    I quit waiting for people to notice. I just tell everyone how awesome i am for having lost yet another pound. I figure we all gotta toot our own horn from time to time. My husband did tell me that my stomach was getting smaller last night, which made me feel good, but it would of felt better if he had just said Wow! you look Hot! So gentleman, if the lady in your life is losing with you, we need affirmation that we are attractive to you. A quick, you look pretty goes a long way!
  • jadesign19
    jadesign19 Posts: 512 Member
    I think you're my long lost twin....I related to your post in every way. Especially with the husband not noticing. Just to vent...my husband doesn't notice even though I literally grabbed my backside of my jeans and pulled so much extra fabric and said "look isn't this cool my pants are way to big on me"....he says "really....I didn't notice....have you been trying :devil: " I started to laugh because I've been trying my whole life.....then I realized he's indifferent. He's focused on what he needs to do and I need to focus on what I need to do. I'm never going to get that pat on the back from him. I just want to be able to outrun, and outlive him. I'm doing it for me. But like you, I crave the praise.:smile:
  • usmcpatience
    usmcpatience Posts: 168
    This happened to me too. I was 158 lost about 15lbs before a few people started noticing. Once I lost 20 everyone is noticing. I Ok so I have 2 rolls of paper towels. Think of your body as one of the rolls of paper towels. The tube being the thin you. Each layer of paper towel is a # of fat. Pull of 15 paper towels of the 'you' roll and sit it next to the other roll. Not much of a differnce huh. BUT now pull of 15 more!-- now you are starting to really see the difference in the rolls. And buy the time you reach the tube (your goal weight) everyone is gonna notice!

    Great analogy! That's awesome

    Thanks for the support, everyone! You're all the reasons I love MFP so much!
  • JMJohnson1005
    JMJohnson1005 Posts: 209 Member
    My husband really couldn't tell a difference until I showed him a picture of before I started counting calories and a fairly current picture. There was a difference of about 40 lbs. Once he saw the picture he was just amazed. Same thing at work, a couple people noticed way back and then one just realized it last week (I have lost 50lbs now). I think if you see someone everyday you are less likely to notice.
  • RachVR6
    RachVR6 Posts: 3,688 Member
    Maybe he thinks that if he points out how great you look now, that you'll think he found you unattractive before. Some guys just don't want to risk sticking their foot in their mouth. :flowerforyou:
  • ladybg81
    ladybg81 Posts: 1,553 Member
    I don't know if this will help but I am one of those people who is totally clueless when it comes to someones weight until it is SIGNIFICANT weight loss, like 30 or 40 pounds or more. Maybe your husband is like that.
  • xecila
    xecila Posts: 99
    Oh, believe me, I feel your pain. Not so much from my husband, but instead it's my family. A year ago me, my brother and my sister all started weight loss goals at the same time. My mother raved about my brother's losses, went on and on about my sisters changes.. and said "oh yeah, I think I can tell.." when I mentioned I'd lost 20lbs. I let it derail me from my goals, and now I've lost a years worth of progress because I wanted some affirmation that I was successful.

    All I can say.. is just hang in there. You're doing GREAT. Even if no one else notices, you do, and that's all that matters.
  • RachVR6
    RachVR6 Posts: 3,688 Member
    There's a couple things here that I think women might not understand. Us men know how sensitive the weight issue can be and for me I was a little afraid to say too much cause I didn't want her to think that I thought she was a fatty before or I wasn't attracted or that I love her any less if she is heavier.
    Another thing is so many times when you see a woman start to lose weight and start taking better care of herself there is another man in the picture, I've seen it happen several times to people I know. In the back of a guys mind he's thinking "who is she trying to impress?", especially if there are other issues like lack of intimacy.

    I struggled with these a little when my wife started to really lose the weight. So my advice is to talk to him.

    Exactly what I was trying to say!!! :flowerforyou:
  • absolament
    absolament Posts: 278 Member
    Are you losing weight for you or other people? Be proud of yourself. You've come a long way. Waiting for other people to be proud of you is setting yourself up for failure. Getting in shape is about how you feel about yourself.

    My husband isn't a weight kind of guy. He won't notice if I put it on or take it off. He just loves me for me and not my size. When I want him to notice, I state it and coax out some encouraging words from him. But if he doesn't notice, I don't let it get my self esteem down. I'm losing weight and feeling great for one person, and that's me. After all, I am the only one who has to live in this skin.

    If you really want people to notice you need to be obvious about it. Mention it to your friends and family. "Hey. Guess what? I just lost 13 pounds in the past two months. Don't I look great?" People are forced to acknowledge a straight forward question. Make it a full on conversation about your plans and your slip ups.

    To be noticed is to step out there and make them notice. To be happy is to be happy with one's self.
  • rcrea
    rcrea Posts: 80
    Just wanted to send you a big ol (((HUG)))! I hear you. I really do. :heart:
  • hroush
    hroush Posts: 2,073 Member
    He sees you every day, it will take longer for him to notice the difference. If you show him a before pic and then have him look at you now, he will notice.
  • Bratkins
    Bratkins Posts: 47
    Of course you want people (him) to notice. But he probably loves you and thinks you are beautiful even without losing the weight. Weight loss can be an exercise in futility when someone already views you with rose colored glasses. That is when you can look and the mirror and understand that this is all for you. How often do you do something anymore that is solely for you? Especially being a Mom? Any time you work out that is for YOU. And you notice so that is fantastic.

    Keep up the good work. I started losing weight before MFP (a year ago) and I am down 40 pounds. Some people have just started telling me I look great, but they always do it carefully. Men usually aren't meaning to insult you when they appear aloof, they are just different creatures. Sometimes I just say :"I need to be lavished, tell me I am pretty!" when I want it. It works well. ;)
  • daddyratty
    daddyratty Posts: 305 Member
    There's a faith-based book called The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Do you know what sorts of things make him "tick"? Perhaps you guys are both missing the mark on encouraging each other.

    But I'm with you on the "notice me" part. Encouraging words are my fuel. On the flip side, discouraging words slash my tires.

    The five are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. If you are able to, both reading this book could have a tremendous impact on your ability to "speak" to each other. For us and others we know, it's been revolutionary.
  • usmcpatience
    usmcpatience Posts: 168
    There's a faith-based book called The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Do you know what sorts of things make him "tick"? Perhaps you guys are both missing the mark on encouraging each other.

    But I'm with you on the "notice me" part. Encouraging words are my fuel. On the flip side, discouraging words slash my tires.

    The five are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. If you are able to, both reading this book could have a tremendous impact on your ability to "speak" to each other. For us and others we know, it's been revolutionary.

    We've both read it, actually. It was great! I'm not normally an "affirming words" sort of person (he is, actually), I'm a physical touch person. However, that does not negate the fact that it'd be nice for him to SEE (and be excited) about my weight loss. I know he loves me for me. I know he doesn't care whether I'm 40 pounds lighter or not, but I was hoping he'd be excited about the new me, if you will. I guess I just keep waiting.

    And, yes, everyone...I am doing this for me. However, I would still like to think that my hubby could reap some of the benefits and perks from it!

    Thanks everyone! You're great!
  • flab2steel
    flab2steel Posts: 48
    Your right we don't always seem to notice and pay attention when we should. We dont say things when we should at the right times. We are "kinda human" and have faults too. I try to make special moments and give praise and need to do so moreyou have made me realize I need to do so more often. Sometimes it takes more than just a hint. Let him know how you feel, when he doesn't notice and praise you. He probably is not doing it intentional. I apologize for us. You look great to me. We all need to be more consciences towards each other. That is why we joined MFP, right!?
  • amuhlou
    amuhlou Posts: 693 Member
    Oh man I totally understand. I actually had a rant on here a couple of days ago.

    I have lost 12lbs no one has noticed. My husband lost around 14lbs with very little effort and everyone notices. I am feeling really hurt. We all need a little acknowlegement and encouragement.

    Big hugs to you.

    Hah I had a similar thing happen. My hubs and I work at the same place and for the longest time people mentioned his loss but not mine... and I had lost more than him! I had like 30+ pounds down and nobody had said a word! Thankfully my hubs noticed which made me feel better.

    I think it's because men pretty much put all their weight on in the gut, while women it could be distributed throughout the thighs/hips/arms/belly. It's easier to notice the absence of a big belly than it is to notice the absence of a half inch here, an inch there.

    You just have to know that there WILL be a day where they'll notice and they will be blown away. Congrats
  • CMH24
    CMH24 Posts: 101 Member
    Honey, my DH left for his deployment and I lost 40lbs while he was gone. When he got back and I met him at the airport I expected a "WOW!! You look amazing!!" No.. nothing. After a couple days I got fed up and said something to him and he's like I'm sorry you do look good though.............................. /facepalm. Even now, nearly 60lbs gone and he rarely ever acknowledges that I am no where near the size I once was. I was a 17/18 and I am now an 8/10. Men just don't understand. If you are feeling that way you need to say something to him or just forget about it and keep doing it for yourself! I know it isn't easy because, even though I want it, I keep thinking *man when I lose this weight and I am 140's toned and smoking hot, my husband is going to want to show me off and think I'm so sexy* Nope, I don't foresee it. We're going to Jamaica NEXT fall after this coming deployment next month and I started thinking *I NEED THIS FOR ME* Just keep at it, you do look amazing though!
  • kgage1011
    kgage1011 Posts: 11 Member
    Sam Sam Sam...My friend...it was YOU who inspired me to go on this journey myself. :) I saw the hard work and dedication you were putting into this and I told myself, "I want what she's got going on!" I too am a woman who seeks validation. It always helps from others, but nothing compares to the acknowledgement from 'the one and only.' We married guys that aren't like any other guys. They've been at one time, 'de-humanized.' Its not an excuse for him but I noticed with Patrick that I couldn't prompt him and really be satisfied by what he said. Now if your husband out of the blue without the prompt told you, "I can tell a difference from behind that you've gotten smaller, " would it have made you want to cry? Maybe not. It may have been that extra little boost you were wanting...the "HE NOTICED!" Talk to him dear. Tell him what you're wanting and tell him once he starts...don't ever stop! Patrick tells me I'm 'good-looking' when I roll out of bed...daily. Do I feel it, with nappy hair, horrible breath and bags under my eyes...no. But he's relentless, and it feels good. But its taken some time to get him 'trained' to do things like that.

    You're doing an amazing job! Not JUST your effort with living a healthy lifestyle, but an amazing job with life! What better compliment than to inspire? :)
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