HOW DO WE FIX THE INSIDE

A year ago, I could've written exactly what you just did. It wasn't until just here recently, I had a friend point out to me that I'm slowly coming out of my shell. There are days I still retract and go back to the safety of that shell. Things are getting better for me. I'm becoming a bit more assertive in the things I do.

I can't promise this will happen for you or everyone. I think with time, work and just feeling better when you wake in the morning has a direct impact on how the inside is fixed.

I think I'll always be shy and timid, deep down. It's hard to forget the past. It's hard to forget the torture and sheer Hell of insensitive actions people have done to us. Maybe that's a good thing, though? We understand it firsthand and we won't do that to others.

I can totally relate to everything you wrote. I used to avoid places if there were more than 5 people in there. Drive thru? Always, so I didn't have to face anyone or worry that someone was staring at me/whispering things. I'm still very insecure. Trusting anyone is hard for me to do.

I do hope it gets better for you like it is with me. I'm still not 100%...but, it's a journey, right?

I feel ya, I'm a shy violet. People that I just meet me say I'm quiet or snobby, folks that know me know better.



*Edit> I sat there for 5 minutes, hesitant to post, hard to admit insecurities...


One thing for you, your confidence will grow as you lose weight and work out more.

Oy, I used to be the same way. Boo-hoo, nobody loves me, I'm a fat ugly long-haired hippy jew and nobody wants to date me or be my friend. Screw that noise. The way I've approached it is to externalize. Instead of blaming and punishing myself all the damn time, I became the world's biggest *kitten* and yell out obscenities at anyone staring at me or whispering things. Flip people the bird and tell them to go hump their mothers. People are predators by nature and will sic on anything they perceive as weak. So stop acting weak. You can feel insecure and sensitive, just don't let anyone see it. After a while, all that false confidence becomes attractive... and if you do it long enough, you'll even fool yourself.

I often feel the same way and my aunt once told me if i don't get over these feelings while im fat, they are going to be worse when i lose weight. That my complete and total worth is in how i look and there for might drive my crazy. I don't want to be judged by other people by how i look let alone have all my self worth based on it. I suggest finding a way to over come some of these fears and self doubt about yourself now than have it be a nagging feeling and add more or other self doubts later.

Oy, I used to be the same way. Boo-hoo, nobody loves me, I'm a fat ugly long-haired hippy jew and nobody wants to date me or be my friend. Screw that noise. The way I've approached it is to externalize. Instead of blaming and punishing myself all the damn time, I became the world's biggest *kitten* and yell out obscenities at anyone staring at me or whispering things. Flip people the bird and tell them to go hump their mothers. People are predators by nature and will sic on anything they perceive as weak. So stop acting weak. You can feel insecure and sensitive, just don't let anyone see it. After a while, all that false confidence becomes attractive... and if you do it long enough, you'll even fool yourself.

You're a champion and I agree. You need to change these thoughts now. They won't IMO go away when you're thin cause people prey on you about anything not just weight.

You'll find a lot of people stay larger due to fear of being thinner. I know I personally will need to adjust as I like not having my *kitten* stared at or my boobs. Some of us like being not noticed. I am pretty anti social so I'd rather most people just not look at me and stay away. :laugh: Yeh so I'm no help basically. It's all about the confidence you ooze. There are heaps of larger men who are smoking hot (I prefer them).

Faith;

Yeah, no that's cool. I can totally dig the "DON'T LOOK AT MEEE!!" :explode: *twitch twitch* mentality because as they say in Japan, the nail that stands out gets hammered down. And ....being stared at is creepy. The more people who are drawn to you, the better the odds are of finding all the freaks and users... but like you said, people will prey on you about anything, not just weight so there's not much you can do to escape it. Sometimes the harder you try to blend in, the more you stand out. I realize my advice was probably the most horrible, morally bankrupt load of garbage you've ever seen on a board, but surprisingly, it does work- MOST of the time. You can't just be a d**k to everyone, only to completely small-minded idiots who have earned your ire. Just let it be known you won't take any crap. Most folks aren't confrontational, and just like in the wild, making yourself seem bigger and tougher 9 times out of 10 will make a foe think twice and pick on someone else.

A lot of it has to do with that big neon sign above your head that says, "victim". Anyone who's been torn down, bullied, abused or tormented has that sign. Any predator within a 50 mile radius are drawn to these signs and there's no self-help books out there to teach us different ways to get rid of it. I had that sign and got rid of that friggin thing the only way I knew how. You have to lose all the behaviors that make you stand out as a victim. Part of that process is forcing yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable. Eat alone. Don't be afraid to get in someone's face and tell them where to go. Don't hesitate to say no to people who deserve that answer. Stop giving a crap what complete strangers think of you... or at least pretend not to. Because really, fat, skinny, bald, ugly, hairy, short, wheelchair bound or whatever. You are you and you are BEAUTIFUL, and the opinion of strangers shouldn't matter. Don't live your life in fear of what others might say or think about you, we're only given a certain amount of time on this Earth and frankly you could be spending it more wisely.

Hell, I probably could be too.

Thanks for posting this, its definitely something I think about constantly..

Shannon - I like your one day at a time mentality, I'm trying to do the same when it comes to those uncertainties in my life at the moment too.

I believe that it will be a long journey for many of us.. of finally "fixing" the inside perception of who we are.
I know I wanna watch out now that I'm creeping closer towards goal weight, that I do not start to take for granted my health and weight or the pains or effort it took to get here.

I was told once, when I went to a counsellor because I was suffering depression, something at the time I thought - ouch, - You will always be quieter, reserved, because you have a more introvert personality.

Sometimes I feel so clueless! I just worry that my quietness will be interpreted as snobbing off, especially when I am slimmer and I don't want to give off a *****-vibe.

I like how ashers1819 puts it because true, sometimes we worry so much needlessly bout what theyre thinking when others are ACTUALLY thinking - hm.. did I lock that car? or is the Starbucks gal into me? or gee I never noticed my right hand was bigger than my left... lol. anyways.. yeah, I hope to work on my insides too ... though I think those take alot longer to change.

I am recently divorced and have already been replaced, that does not feel very good. I have made a decision to finally take care of ME and to get myself straight. One poster said above, the more weight you lose the more confident you become and I find that to be true. Eventually I do want to have a relationship again, but until I can love myself and respect myself for me and who I am, than I won't be able to let anyone else in or even love anyone else until I can do that. I know that I will not settle either as I also know that I deserve the best and so do you. You have to like and love who you are before anyone else will. Take care of you, fix yourself before getting involved with anyone yet. I know it can be lonley and difficult to be patient but it will be so worth it when the time is right and that special someone will be put into your life just for you. Also, I eat alone in restuarants all the time and I don't really care what other people think, you have no control of their thoughts. Sure I would love to have company but I'm Ok by myself for now, it's not all that bad, I get to do a lot of thinking. enjoy your time with yourself and take care of your needs. Those women who have cheated on you were not worthy of your love in the first place, who needs that anyway. Remember, take care of you first!

Ugh, the proverbial "silhouette in the doorway" inner persona, I hate those things. Still struggle with my internalized bully. Figured out it's useless to yell back, so I hit it with axes, ice picks and broken bottles but it always heals. *Sigh* Next I'm going to try a chainsaw. *Evil grin*

I'll be honest M-Boy: I still think I look like someone totally different. I've walked past my own reflection & don't recognize myself; I've looked up in the mirror while washing my hands & just stared trying to figure out who is staring back at me only to realize that is me. I don't know if there is anyway for anyone to tell you how to fix "you"; it's a matter of finding renewed confidence in what you DO know; your skills, talents, intelligence & use those to your advantage. Those are things that don't change whether your lose or gain weight; granted, you may lose weight & learn a new skill or gain weight and alter another skill, but that's still what makes up "you". Focus on what you like about yourself, what you KNOW you're good at and let that confidence shine from the inside out. Walk with your head held high, chin up, back straight and don't let anyone's looks, raised eyebrows, or what they say stop you from being who YOU are :flowerforyou:

I totally understand where you're coming from and I think the longer one is overweight/obese/fat (whatever word you wanna use) the harder it is to simply stop having those thoughts even as we get healthier. I'd hope the more weight I lose the more confident I'd become and in-turn it would change the horrible thoughts about myself and what others may be thinking of me. Just try everyday to tell yourself that you're worthy of love, you're worth it. I've been trying to tell myself I'm worth it and I deserve to be happy and healthy.

YOU deserve to be Healthy and Happy.

byron katie and the work will question everything..... Is it true? thework.com

Seems like you think that meeting someone will sort you out?

Maybe you would be better off sorting yourself out before trying to meet someone?

You said yourself that your insecurities and lack of trust have destroyed relationships and driven people away. I would try work on that first before trying to meet another lady.

Just saying. :flowerforyou: