HOW DO WE FIX THE INSIDE
monkeyboy881
Posts: 287
this site does great to fix the weight issues we all face but how do we fix the inside i live in a constant fear of how others see me .. i am afraid to approach girls whom i deem im unworthy for ... im ashamed to eat in public in fear of how people view the fat guy eating at the table by himself .. i honestly feel its been hard to find a job bec employers view overweight people as lazy and unmotivated .. i have been cheated on twice and both times have changed me and who i am not always for the better .. my insecurity has driven more than one love of my life out the door and i need to change this lifestyle and way of thinking asap ... im not sure anyone is reading but it does feel better to write it out
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Well counseling sometimes helps with that. Personally years ago when I had my divorce I went to Christian counseling at my church. I also took a class called Changes that Heal. It was really great then we got to talk with people that went through similar things and realize that we are not alone. The book is by Townsend or Henry Mc Cloud. I really enjoyed it, came with a workbook. Anyway, just a thought. You should know that you are loved no matter what weight you are. We are Gods children and with him all things are possible. I have had some rough experiences myself, and when I was at a loss I turned to God and that is ultimately where I found my healing, my safe place. I don't know your faith, and hope that I have not offended you. This is how I feel though. I will tell you this. I will pray for your healing. You can do it.0
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A year ago, I could've written exactly what you just did. It wasn't until just here recently, I had a friend point out to me that I'm slowly coming out of my shell. There are days I still retract and go back to the safety of that shell. Things are getting better for me. I'm becoming a bit more assertive in the things I do.
I can't promise this will happen for you or everyone. I think with time, work and just feeling better when you wake in the morning has a direct impact on how the inside is fixed.
I think I'll always be shy and timid, deep down. It's hard to forget the past. It's hard to forget the torture and sheer Hell of insensitive actions people have done to us. Maybe that's a good thing, though? We understand it firsthand and we won't do that to others.
I can totally relate to everything you wrote. I used to avoid places if there were more than 5 people in there. Drive thru? Always, so I didn't have to face anyone or worry that someone was staring at me/whispering things. I'm still very insecure. Trusting anyone is hard for me to do.
I do hope it gets better for you like it is with me. I'm still not 100%...but, it's a journey, right?0 -
thank you both for writing its very inspiring and yes the drive thru always0
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I feel ya, I'm a shy violet. People that I just meet me say I'm quiet or snobby, folks that know me know better.
*Edit> I sat there for 5 minutes, hesitant to post, hard to admit insecurities...
One thing for you, your confidence will grow as you lose weight and work out more.0 -
For me, the more weight I lose, the more confident I've become. the negative thoughts and feelings go away if you make this a permanent change, and that means mentaly. Think positive. Taking care of your body shows that you have dicipline and take pride in yourself, and that you're worth it. And you ARE worth it! Work on yourself now, and if people see that you respect and love yourself then they will respect (and maybe love!) you too. Dont worry about the negativity, just remember to always work towards a positive goal. You must love yourself before you can love others. These are all a few things I've learned myself, hope it helps.0
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Oy, I used to be the same way. Boo-hoo, nobody loves me, I'm a fat ugly long-haired hippy jew and nobody wants to date me or be my friend. Screw that noise. The way I've approached it is to externalize. Instead of blaming and punishing myself all the damn time, I became the world's biggest *kitten* and yell out obscenities at anyone staring at me or whispering things. Flip people the bird and tell them to go hump their mothers. People are predators by nature and will sic on anything they perceive as weak. So stop acting weak. You can feel insecure and sensitive, just don't let anyone see it. After a while, all that false confidence becomes attractive... and if you do it long enough, you'll even fool yourself.0
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I read this ... left it, friended you. Came back, read some more but was STILL too shy/ashamed/afraid to post that yeah, I've got those insecurities and such too.
I have a great support group that's helping me now ... plus as I get healthier, I just seem to be "coming out to play" more. Little peeks and glimpses of hope every once in awhile. I also journal alot and it seems to help.
Good topic.
Thanks for posting it.0 -
I often feel the same way and my aunt once told me if i don't get over these feelings while im fat, they are going to be worse when i lose weight. That my complete and total worth is in how i look and there for might drive my crazy. I don't want to be judged by other people by how i look let alone have all my self worth based on it. I suggest finding a way to over come some of these fears and self doubt about yourself now than have it be a nagging feeling and add more or other self doubts later.0
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I wish I knew how to fix the inside This really made me stop and think.
I could write a novel it seems about my insecurities and how they have built over the years. My husband keeps telling me though, "Shannon, you're here now though. This is what you have to work with."
In a way, that rids me from a lot of stress. Just, push on. Keep trying. (Yes, I'm feeling very insecure writing this after a HORRIBLE day of food...) but I've come to the conclusion he's right. So yeah, maybe someday I'll look into why exactly I am where I am. For now though, it's one day at a time...besides if I try to do any more than that, I forget the date!!0 -
Oy, I used to be the same way. Boo-hoo, nobody loves me, I'm a fat ugly long-haired hippy jew and nobody wants to date me or be my friend. Screw that noise. The way I've approached it is to externalize. Instead of blaming and punishing myself all the damn time, I became the world's biggest *kitten* and yell out obscenities at anyone staring at me or whispering things. Flip people the bird and tell them to go hump their mothers. People are predators by nature and will sic on anything they perceive as weak. So stop acting weak. You can feel insecure and sensitive, just don't let anyone see it. After a while, all that false confidence becomes attractive... and if you do it long enough, you'll even fool yourself.
You'll find a lot of people stay larger due to fear of being thinner. I know I personally will need to adjust as I like not having my *kitten* stared at or my boobs. Some of us like being not noticed. I am pretty anti social so I'd rather most people just not look at me and stay away. :laugh: Yeh so I'm no help basically. It's all about the confidence you ooze. There are heaps of larger men who are smoking hot (I prefer them).0 -
Stop worrying about what other people think. You would be surprised at how little other people actually pay attention to those around them. For the most part people are selfish and only think of their own self-gratification. They aren't actually paying attention to you when you are in public because they are too busy focusing on their own lives.
Once you realise this, you need to start to think about what you are good at, what you do well and what makes you happy. Build on things from there.
With regards to people cheating, I have a inspirational calendar and the other day there was a quote by Mae West. It was written from a woman's perspective but I think you will get the idea. It said 'Every woman needs to love at least one bad man in their lives to appreciate a good one.'
That is what you have experienced. You will meet a nice one, trust me. You won't meet them though until you learn to recognise what you are good at and what your self-worth is.
Things will only get better from here, you just need to make the changes in your life that make you the best person you can be.0 -
Faith;
Yeah, no that's cool. I can totally dig the "DON'T LOOK AT MEEE!!" :explode: *twitch twitch* mentality because as they say in Japan, the nail that stands out gets hammered down. And ....being stared at is creepy. The more people who are drawn to you, the better the odds are of finding all the freaks and users... but like you said, people will prey on you about anything, not just weight so there's not much you can do to escape it. Sometimes the harder you try to blend in, the more you stand out. I realize my advice was probably the most horrible, morally bankrupt load of garbage you've ever seen on a board, but surprisingly, it does work- MOST of the time. You can't just be a d**k to everyone, only to completely small-minded idiots who have earned your ire. Just let it be known you won't take any crap. Most folks aren't confrontational, and just like in the wild, making yourself seem bigger and tougher 9 times out of 10 will make a foe think twice and pick on someone else.
A lot of it has to do with that big neon sign above your head that says, "victim". Anyone who's been torn down, bullied, abused or tormented has that sign. Any predator within a 50 mile radius are drawn to these signs and there's no self-help books out there to teach us different ways to get rid of it. I had that sign and got rid of that friggin thing the only way I knew how. You have to lose all the behaviors that make you stand out as a victim. Part of that process is forcing yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable. Eat alone. Don't be afraid to get in someone's face and tell them where to go. Don't hesitate to say no to people who deserve that answer. Stop giving a crap what complete strangers think of you... or at least pretend not to. Because really, fat, skinny, bald, ugly, hairy, short, wheelchair bound or whatever. You are you and you are BEAUTIFUL, and the opinion of strangers shouldn't matter. Don't live your life in fear of what others might say or think about you, we're only given a certain amount of time on this Earth and frankly you could be spending it more wisely.
Hell, I probably could be too.0 -
Honestly, acceptance of who we are, inside and out, and the actions we take to make us who we are is the biggest step to regaining security. No one is perfect. That's the beauty of life. Put it this way, because you recognize the fact you have insecurities, you will realize that you were secure enough to admit it. Confidence comes from the ability and understanding that you do what you do because you can. If you know deep down that what you're doing makes you happy, nobody else's opinions should matter. "Easy to say, hard to do" I know, but it's the truth.
Past experiences [positive and negative] guide everyone in a direction that is based on choices. The choice to allow an experience to wound us at our very core. The choice to let it affect us. The choice to ignore. The choice to comprehend the situation and cope in whatever way makes us comfortable. The choice to accept, learn, and move on because it already happened. The choice to make a choice if a similar experience happens again. There are plenty of choices. Make a decision and stick to it. Whether the outcome is the desired result or different than anticipated, doesn't change the fact that you stuck with that decision. Then if you consider it a mistake, it was one that you knew you made, rather than unknowingly having a mistake thrust onto you.
Knowing who you are inside and how you deal with life as it happens, should be more than sufficient to determine what obstacles to avoid or take on. But the more obstacles you're able to overcome, the more confidence you'll gain, and the more security you'll have.0 -
Thanks for posting this, its definitely something I think about constantly..
Shannon - I like your one day at a time mentality, I'm trying to do the same when it comes to those uncertainties in my life at the moment too.
I believe that it will be a long journey for many of us.. of finally "fixing" the inside perception of who we are.
I know I wanna watch out now that I'm creeping closer towards goal weight, that I do not start to take for granted my health and weight or the pains or effort it took to get here.
I was told once, when I went to a counsellor because I was suffering depression, something at the time I thought - ouch, - You will always be quieter, reserved, because you have a more introvert personality.
Sometimes I feel so clueless! I just worry that my quietness will be interpreted as snobbing off, especially when I am slimmer and I don't want to give off a *****-vibe.
I like how ashers1819 puts it because true, sometimes we worry so much needlessly bout what theyre thinking when others are ACTUALLY thinking - hm.. did I lock that car? or is the Starbucks gal into me? or gee I never noticed my right hand was bigger than my left... lol. anyways.. yeah, I hope to work on my insides too ... though I think those take alot longer to change.0 -
To fix the inside you need to work out what the real problem is.
For some people their weight truly is the problem, i.e. the cause of their poor self esteem, lack of confidence etc.
However, for some people it is merely a symptom which is masking the underlying true cause of the problem, but it's psychologically easier to blame the weight and think that when all the weight is gone, life will as by magic have become perfect, and for a lot of people that obviously doesn't happen.
To give you an abstract example... a female acquaintance blames her nose for everything!!! All her life, her nose, which had a small hump on it, was to blame everytime a relationship failed, she didn't get a job etc etc. So when she was in her late 20s she finally had the money for rhinoplasty and had her nose done. The result was interesting...
Firstly most people never noticed!! This made her furious!! How could people not notice something this big that held her back all her life??? People did not respond to her differently because her personality and way to responding to situations was still the same. So she has been banking on it all her life that a surgeon can swing his magic want to fix her shortcomings and that life would be perfect and it wasn't. Instead of looking inside herself, her expectations, her real reasons for feeling the way she does... she has now picked something else that she wants operated... now she wants her ears pinned back.
So I guess, you need to work out if the weight for you is the true cause or just a symptom, and maybe have some sessions with a counsellor to work this out.0 -
I am recently divorced and have already been replaced, that does not feel very good. I have made a decision to finally take care of ME and to get myself straight. One poster said above, the more weight you lose the more confident you become and I find that to be true. Eventually I do want to have a relationship again, but until I can love myself and respect myself for me and who I am, than I won't be able to let anyone else in or even love anyone else until I can do that. I know that I will not settle either as I also know that I deserve the best and so do you. You have to like and love who you are before anyone else will. Take care of you, fix yourself before getting involved with anyone yet. I know it can be lonley and difficult to be patient but it will be so worth it when the time is right and that special someone will be put into your life just for you. Also, I eat alone in restuarants all the time and I don't really care what other people think, you have no control of their thoughts. Sure I would love to have company but I'm Ok by myself for now, it's not all that bad, I get to do a lot of thinking. enjoy your time with yourself and take care of your needs. Those women who have cheated on you were not worthy of your love in the first place, who needs that anyway. Remember, take care of you first!0
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I don't have any fantastic advice, but I wanted to say that I struggle with this a lot too. I approached my university's counselling service recently and had an assessment appointment, which was actually very helpful for starting points and seeing some underlying causes. I will probably not be able to see a counsellor on a regular basis this semester, because the waiting list is long, but in the meantime I figured out a whole bunch of issues that come together and make me a horribly insecure person. For example, I am a perfectionist - pathologically so - and I have very low self-esteem. I constantly think that people hate me and think I'm stupid, which gives me anxiety attacks in social situations, which makes me feel even worse about myself ("I'm such a failure because I can't even go to class like a normal person"). We also concluded that I've internalised my old bullies, and am now saying things to myself every day that are far worse than anything anybody else has actually ever said to me. So there's plenty to work on.
The advice I would give you is to read up on this, and maybe go to a counsellor. It is incredibly hard, but it may be worth a shot. There are a lot of self-help books out there (I am currently working with one on perfectionism) so once you identify some more specific issues you have, that might be a good starting point.0 -
Ugh, the proverbial "silhouette in the doorway" inner persona, I hate those things. Still struggle with my internalized bully. Figured out it's useless to yell back, so I hit it with axes, ice picks and broken bottles but it always heals. *Sigh* Next I'm going to try a chainsaw. *Evil grin*0
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I only have one thing to say:. go to IBooks through google and search for The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. You will get to read I think 34 pages for free and if you like the book you can purchase it.
After reading it, it has been a life changing experience for me. I highly recommended it.0 -
I'll be honest M-Boy: I still think I look like someone totally different. I've walked past my own reflection & don't recognize myself; I've looked up in the mirror while washing my hands & just stared trying to figure out who is staring back at me only to realize that is me. I don't know if there is anyway for anyone to tell you how to fix "you"; it's a matter of finding renewed confidence in what you DO know; your skills, talents, intelligence & use those to your advantage. Those are things that don't change whether your lose or gain weight; granted, you may lose weight & learn a new skill or gain weight and alter another skill, but that's still what makes up "you". Focus on what you like about yourself, what you KNOW you're good at and let that confidence shine from the inside out. Walk with your head held high, chin up, back straight and don't let anyone's looks, raised eyebrows, or what they say stop you from being who YOU are :flowerforyou:0
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this site does great to fix the weight issues we all face but how do we fix the inside i live in a constant fear of how others see me .. i am afraid to approach girls whom i deem im unworthy for ... im ashamed to eat in public in fear of how people view the fat guy eating at the table by himself .. i honestly feel its been hard to find a job bec employers view overweight people as lazy and unmotivated .. i have been cheated on twice and both times have changed me and who i am not always for the better .. my insecurity has driven more than one love of my life out the door and i need to change this lifestyle and way of thinking asap ... im not sure anyone is reading but it does feel better to write it out
Uhh so I think once a person realizes they need to drop a few pounds all of a sudden they become hyper sensitive of everything around them. If you see yourself as needing to lose weight you suddenly feel everyone in the universe is staring down your throat thinking the same thing. Chill out and relax, to be honest only the people with no actual lives will sit and freakin stare and judge you. For the most part people are usually too wrapped up in their own world to notice others. People cheat for various reasons and most of the time it has nothing to do with looks, I mean have you ever seen some of the bow wows your exs end up with? haha All I can really say is stop thinking for other people and reflecting your self image onto others. BTW this whole "deem unworthy" thing is BS you dont put people on a throne based on their looks. Tell your negative mindset to go kick rocks and everytime you THINK something negative tell yourself "shutup" and instead think about fish or rainbows lol0 -
I totally understand where you're coming from and I think the longer one is overweight/obese/fat (whatever word you wanna use) the harder it is to simply stop having those thoughts even as we get healthier. I'd hope the more weight I lose the more confident I'd become and in-turn it would change the horrible thoughts about myself and what others may be thinking of me. Just try everyday to tell yourself that you're worthy of love, you're worth it. I've been trying to tell myself I'm worth it and I deserve to be happy and healthy.
YOU deserve to be Healthy and Happy.0 -
Honestly, i wouldn't worry about other people AT ALL for a while. Concentrate on yourself, get healthier, get the body you want. You will get more confident and trust me, women love Men who are confident. They will come to you!
Also, i was very insecure, but i did get over it after time. You have to work on yourself. There are good people in the world and bad people. Only have the good ones in your life!! Also, be happy and grateful for the things you do have. I bet they override the negative things.0 -
byron katie and the work will question everything..... Is it true? thework.com0
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To fix the inside you need to work out what the real problem is.
For some people their weight truly is the problem, i.e. the cause of their poor self esteem, lack of confidence etc.
However, for some people it is merely a symptom which is masking the underlying true cause of the problem, but it's psychologically easier to blame the weight and think that when all the weight is gone, life will as by magic have become perfect, and for a lot of people that obviously doesn't happen.
To give you an abstract example... a female acquaintance blames her nose for everything!!! All her life, her nose, which had a small hump on it, was to blame everytime a relationship failed, she didn't get a job etc etc. So when she was in her late 20s she finally had the money for rhinoplasty and had her nose done. The result was interesting...
Firstly most people never noticed!! This made her furious!! How could people not notice something this big that held her back all her life??? People did not respond to her differently because her personality and way to responding to situations was still the same. So she has been banking on it all her life that a surgeon can swing his magic want to fix her shortcomings and that life would be perfect and it wasn't. Instead of looking inside herself, her expectations, her real reasons for feeling the way she does... she has now picked something else that she wants operated... now she wants her ears pinned back.
So I guess, you need to work out if the weight for you is the true cause or just a symptom, and maybe have some sessions with a counsellor to work this out.
i can totally relate to this .and i know i need to find the underlying problem . in highschool i was a socially butterfly and rarely didnt have a date for friday night the thing that pisses me off most is physically i m very strong but mentally i am fragile and hard to deal with at time .. its gotten to the point i dont enjoy hanging with my friends any more bec they are all coupled up i need an idea of where to meet someone im tired of the bar scene and told my self that i wouldnt find my next g,f, there and the grocery store is kinda creepy place to introduce yourself ... i have thought about the gym but i know many girls who hate going to the gym bec they always get hit on i dunno but open for ideas0 -
Seems like you think that meeting someone will sort you out?
Maybe you would be better off sorting yourself out before trying to meet someone?
You said yourself that your insecurities and lack of trust have destroyed relationships and driven people away. I would try work on that first before trying to meet another lady.
Just saying. :flowerforyou:0 -
When I was on the staff at a university, I made friends with a female undergraduate who was reaching out for help on the uni blog site. She was bulimic and anorexic and struggling with her second year: not her studies, just with the stress of trying to keep studying in a foreign country while she kept up with her problems. She was actually more or less in remission from the eating disorders but they were always there on her shoulder waiting to get in her head again and it was a constant struggle for her, albeit from a different direction from most of us here.
The whole 'psychology of food' thing is quite fascinating. I'm sure that whole careers have been made out of its research in academia!0 -
Seems like you think that meeting someone will sort you out?
Maybe you would be better off sorting yourself out before trying to meet someone?
You said yourself that your insecurities and lack of trust have destroyed relationships and driven people away. I would try work on that first before trying to meet another lady.
Just saying. :flowerforyou:
well said and well taken i totally understand this thank you for the awesome insight0 -
I had a couple of bad relationships (also have been cheated on). After the last time I made a conscious choice to take "time out".
I was single for 5 years. I did lots of stuff. I travelled a lot. I went to university. I started sports. I made friends. I did an Ironman. And I grew up an awful lot to be honest.
And then I met a great guy.
I'm sure she's out there for you but you need to get yourself in a better frame of mind first.
Best of luck to you!! :drinker:0
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