Anyone else in a dating hiatus?
Atlantique
Posts: 2,484 Member
I just gave it up. I met too many *kitten* in a row and decided my life was easier, happier and more peaceful w/o dating.
And I'm not just hiding. Yes, I'm fat, but not all that fat. I was thin when the disaster went down, which included an assault on me.
I just have no desire to date again, at all, ever. Not looking to be assaulted, ever again. Yes this played a role in my weight gain--I know it did. Yes, I take some comfort and safety in being completely overlooked by the opposite sex right now, and losing weight scares me in that way-I will get attention that I do not want.
You can imagine how this plays with friends and acquaintances. The usual judgment being "Well you're gay and don't know it". Ermm, no. That's not it. I'd simply like to avoid time in an emergency room again, and then court.
So, anyone else here permanently off the dating train?
And I'm not just hiding. Yes, I'm fat, but not all that fat. I was thin when the disaster went down, which included an assault on me.
I just have no desire to date again, at all, ever. Not looking to be assaulted, ever again. Yes this played a role in my weight gain--I know it did. Yes, I take some comfort and safety in being completely overlooked by the opposite sex right now, and losing weight scares me in that way-I will get attention that I do not want.
You can imagine how this plays with friends and acquaintances. The usual judgment being "Well you're gay and don't know it". Ermm, no. That's not it. I'd simply like to avoid time in an emergency room again, and then court.
So, anyone else here permanently off the dating train?
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Replies
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well, my husband I just separate, so I am not dating YET....but I will...
I am sorry you have had such a bad relationship experience. Not all guys are like that, I am sure you know. Have you sought counseling for yourself?0 -
im in a similar situation, although without the physical assault/court appearance. i split with my ex at beginning of Jan (7th) and for just now im happier being on my own and just living my life for me
ive decided to take my time with new relationships/friendships and not rush into anything
just concentrate on u and dont let others dictate to u
best wishes
Kirstie xx
P.S friend me if u want 0 -
I don't know about "permanently" removing myself from the dating game, but I am stepping back and taking care of ME for a while. I need to figure out what it is about me that attracts/is attracted to men who are no good for me.
Like you, I was physically assaulted by a guy I was dating (5 years ago) and it did do a number on my self esteem for quite some time. I don't know when yours happened, but time heals all wounds, but only if you WANT to be healed. You're stronger than whatever it is you went through and WILL come out on top, you just have to want to.
Good luck!0 -
My baby's father left when he found out I was pregnant and has continued to pop up here and there. I have to go to court for custody, but no assaults. I am sorry you had to experience that. I am really in a place right now where I am not interested in men. I am trying to refocus on me. Take your time and it will all become clear.0
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Nothing wrong with that. That's actually really great... too many people feel like they NEED to be with someone. Learning how to be alone is important and you will find success and happiness from it, I know it. And years from now maybe you can try dating again and someone will surprise you (in a good way). Good luck
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I would not say that I am permanently off the train, but I am taking some time to myself right now. I know that I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with someone else. I was married for 6 years, I miss it. I don't like sitting here alone. I don't like not having someone to share a Friday night out to dinner with. I miss not having someone to buy flowers for on holidays. I miss just having someone to laugh at the tv with. I miss sex. lol But I know that if I work hard now, get back into shape. When i do meet someone, we will be able to do a lot more fun things that I may not be able to do right now at this weight. So, I fully understand what your saying. And the abuse thing, well, I don't have any experience in that. I am so sorry to hear that you do. And I can fully understand that your worried about the future attention. But fear not, Your a strong person and will be stronger and more self confident when you meet your goals.
Glad to have met some great people here.
Tim0 -
Yeah, I got counseling, which mainly consisted of pushing me to push it in court. As it was a misdemeanor legally, I had to pay to prosecute it. Perp was friend with the judge. I gave up after 5K and endless psychological distress.
I do not see dating EVER happening again in my future, for any reason. No way, no how. (It's been 5 years now, so this is not a whim.)
But I know that when I lose even 10 pounds, the hounds will be on me again. I'm one of those women who maintains a nice proportion even with some extra weight. I'll admit it--the weight is a safety net of sorts at the moment. And I am not at all sure what I will do without that safety net.
I guess I'm just going to become a *****.
I should have known better than to try. It's not for me and I got half killed trying to pretend that it was possible for me to have a relationship. It's just not for me.0 -
I'm married, but we live in different states (for employment reasons), and this year the kids are with him...... so I'm learning how to take care of myself this year, a novel and frightening experience. Actually deciding that it was appropriate to cook a lovely, multi dish meal for myself (after almost 20 years) was pretty weird.
It's not the same as a dating hiatus, though I cannot imagine dating again (or marrying again) if (do I toss salt over my shoulder or knock on wood) something goes wrong here...0 -
Yes, it's called "marriage". I'm seeing if this gig works out first...0
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:P0
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I wasn't assaulted by the BF, at least not physically. I was assaulted, physically, by the "other " GF that I did not know existed. She tried to strangle me and then tried to run over me with her car.
The BF refused to testify and he was the only witness. She had given him 50K to pay off his ex wife in the divorce. He was the Police Commissioner at the time.
So you can see how it all went to **** in short order.
But yeah, I am not looking to EVER date again. Nope, not going to happen. No way, no how.
And yes, I am actually scared about losing these 30 pds. Yeah, I occasionally get someone wanting to date me in this hideous physical state. But it's OCCASIONAL. I know that when I lose the weight, it will be as it was before--lots of offers--and I DON"T WANT THEM. I'm OFF THE RIDE! I'm just over it...0 -
I don't know about "permanently" removing myself from the dating game, but I am stepping back and taking care of ME for a while. I need to figure out what it is about me that attracts/is attracted to men who are no good for me.
This is my situation, too. I decided on a mancation while I focus on my goals this year. Sometimes it's a little lonely, but I know I'll come out stronger for putting myself first right now.0 -
I wasn't assaulted by the BF, at least not physically. I was assaulted, physically, by the "other " GF that I did not know existed. She tried to strangle me and then tried to run over me with her car.
The BF refused to testify and he was the only witness. She had given him 50K to pay off his ex wife in the divorce. He was the Police Commissioner at the time.
So you can see how it all went to **** in short order.
But yeah, I am not looking to EVER date again. Nope, not going to happen. No way, no how.
And yes, I am actually scared about losing these 30 pds. Yeah, I occasionally get someone wanting to date me in this hideous physical state. But it's OCCASIONAL. I know that when I lose the weight, it will be as it was before--lots of offers--and I DON"T WANT THEM. I'm OFF THE RIDE! I'm just over it...
@ Atlantique, sorry I was just messing around up there earlier ^^
I think it's a good decision on your part to take a break for awhile and get your head straight. You've clearly had a very traumatic and trying experiences. Reading your second post in this thread- it makes me wonder if you have PTSD. Have you considered seeing a professional psychologist for some assistance in sorting out the residual feelings about all of these incidences?0 -
I wasn't assaulted by the BF, at least not physically. I was assaulted, physically, by the "other " GF that I did not know existed. She tried to strangle me and then tried to run over me with her car.
The BF refused to testify and he was the only witness. She had given him 50K to pay off his ex wife in the divorce. He was the Police Commissioner at the time.
So you can see how it all went to **** in short order.
But yeah, I am not looking to EVER date again. Nope, not going to happen. No way, no how.
And yes, I am actually scared about losing these 30 pds. Yeah, I occasionally get someone wanting to date me in this hideous physical state. But it's OCCASIONAL. I know that when I lose the weight, it will be as it was before--lots of offers--and I DON"T WANT THEM. I'm OFF THE RIDE! I'm just over it...
@ Atlantique, sorry I was just messing around up there earlier ^^
I think it's a good decision on your part to take a break for awhile and get your head straight. You've clearly had a very traumatic and trying experiences. Reading your second post in this thread- it makes me wonder if you have PTSD. Have you considered seeing a professional psychologist for some assistance in sorting out the residual feelings about all of these incidences?
But the Psychologist just kept telling me to fight the losing battle. No matter what it cost, as she wasn't paying it. Even asked her to come to court with me (paid) and she flat out refused.
I don't see how it would help. It is what it is. I am a target for people of immaturity and ill will. I'm not great at recognizing the immature and ill-willed up front. So it's better I not try. That's what 15 yrs of therapy has taught me--retreat.
ETA: After I lost 20 pounds (from a healthy weight) my meds were changed , which got me up 30 pounds above my good weight. Yes, doubling a Lexapro dose will do that!
So let's review:
-I had to stop pursuing my assault case because I couldn't afford it and my only witness was out for himself.
-My only witness was not only sleeping with the perp, he owed her 50K
-My therapist just said go go go and double your meds to deal with it. Refused to come to court.
-Pscyh doubled my meds. He used to worry about my weight when this all started ( I had dropped some from stress and the psychologist kept telling me to eat a burger) and then told me I was fat after he doubled my meds.
So no, I don't think the pros have a goddamned clue here.0 -
I don't know about "permanently" removing myself from the dating game, but I am stepping back and taking care of ME for a while. I need to figure out what it is about me that attracts/is attracted to men who are no good for me.
This is my situation, too. I decided on a mancation while I focus on my goals this year. Sometimes it's a little lonely, but I know I'll come out stronger for putting myself first right now.
'Mancation'... I like that one! That is what I am going to start using lol But I agree with you two... I am focusing on myself this year and working on finally meeting my goal. Like other said... I am not going to be happy with anyone until I am happy with myself. It does get
lonely sometimes... but I am lucky to have some great friends who are there for when I need to get out and kick up my heels 0 -
I am sorry you have had such a bad relationship experience. Not all guys are like that, I am sure you know. Have you sought counseling for yourself?
I am so sorry to hear you had such a bad experience. I second the need for counseling, I believe it will help you in dealing with what happened to you.
You don't have to date if you don't feel ready. Its easy to stay unnoticed while you are heavier but at the end of the day, don't let yourself be in an unhealthy life style because you don't want attention. Dress in a way that doesn't call for attention, but treat yourself as you deserve.
After my divorce, it took me a long time to start dating, only to enter a BAD relationship after which I swore off all dating, but its been a couple of years and I think I am ready to get back into the game. Take your time to heal, and if and when you are ready, you will find the right person who will treat you like a goddess 0 -
I wasn't assaulted by the BF, at least not physically. I was assaulted, physically, by the "other " GF that I did not know existed. She tried to strangle me and then tried to run over me with her car.
The BF refused to testify and he was the only witness. She had given him 50K to pay off his ex wife in the divorce. He was the Police Commissioner at the time.
So you can see how it all went to **** in short order.
But yeah, I am not looking to EVER date again. Nope, not going to happen. No way, no how.
And yes, I am actually scared about losing these 30 pds. Yeah, I occasionally get someone wanting to date me in this hideous physical state. But it's OCCASIONAL. I know that when I lose the weight, it will be as it was before--lots of offers--and I DON"T WANT THEM. I'm OFF THE RIDE! I'm just over it...
@ Atlantique, sorry I was just messing around up there earlier ^^
I think it's a good decision on your part to take a break for awhile and get your head straight. You've clearly had a very traumatic and trying experiences. Reading your second post in this thread- it makes me wonder if you have PTSD. Have you considered seeing a professional psychologist for some assistance in sorting out the residual feelings about all of these incidences?
But the Psychologist just kept telling me to fight the losing battle. No matter what it cost, as she wasn't paying it. Even asked her to come to court with me (paid) and she flat out refused.
I don't see how it would help. It is what it is. I am a target for people of immaturity and ill will. I'm not great at recognizing the immature and ill-willed up front. So it's better I not try. That's what 15 yrs of therapy has taught me--retreat.
It sounds like you had some horrible therapist/therapists..0 -
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I wasn't assaulted by the BF, at least not physically. I was assaulted, physically, by the "other " GF that I did not know existed. She tried to strangle me and then tried to run over me with her car.
The BF refused to testify and he was the only witness. She had given him 50K to pay off his ex wife in the divorce. He was the Police Commissioner at the time.
So you can see how it all went to **** in short order.
But yeah, I am not looking to EVER date again. Nope, not going to happen. No way, no how.
And yes, I am actually scared about losing these 30 pds. Yeah, I occasionally get someone wanting to date me in this hideous physical state. But it's OCCASIONAL. I know that when I lose the weight, it will be as it was before--lots of offers--and I DON"T WANT THEM. I'm OFF THE RIDE! I'm just over it...
@ Atlantique, sorry I was just messing around up there earlier ^^
I think it's a good decision on your part to take a break for awhile and get your head straight. You've clearly had a very traumatic and trying experiences. Reading your second post in this thread- it makes me wonder if you have PTSD. Have you considered seeing a professional psychologist for some assistance in sorting out the residual feelings about all of these incidences?
But the Psychologist just kept telling me to fight the losing battle. No matter what it cost, as she wasn't paying it. Even asked her to come to court with me (paid) and she flat out refused.
I don't see how it would help. It is what it is. I am a target for people of immaturity and ill will. I'm not great at recognizing the immature and ill-willed up front. So it's better I not try. That's what 15 yrs of therapy has taught me--retreat.
ETA: After I lost 20 pounds (from a healthy weight) my meds were changed , which got me up 30 pounds above my good weight. Yes, doubling a Lexapro dose will do that!
So let's review:
-I had to stop pursuing my assault case because I couldn't afford it and my only witness was out for himself.
-My only witness was not only sleeping with the perp, he owed her 50K
-My therapist just said go go go and double your meds to deal with it. Refused to come to court.
-Pscyh doubled my meds. He used to worry about my weight when this all started ( I had dropped some from stress and the psychologist kept telling me to eat a burger) and then told me I was fat after he doubled my meds.
So no, I don't think the pros have a goddamned clue here.
Ok were you seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist? Generally psychiatrist's suck IMO.
I find it very very strange that your doc would push you to press charges. I'm not a professional myself, so I don't know what the general standard is on this, as in, is it considered SOP to have clients pursue legal charges if feasible? In my own layman's opinion it was obviously done at the cost of your mental health! I contend, still, that you had a crappy doctor. I am going to be honest here, that's all I can do. I think that you are making a good step as I mentioned before by taking a break from relationships. Based on what *you* are saying it seems that you have a serious habit of getting involved in dysfunctional relationships.
I don't know your life or your background, but there is a concept called 'revictimization' for those that were sexually abused. It could be that you are kind of going through something similar..0 -
I wasn't assaulted by the BF, at least not physically. I was assaulted, physically, by the "other " GF that I did not know existed. She tried to strangle me and then tried to run over me with her car.
The BF refused to testify and he was the only witness. She had given him 50K to pay off his ex wife in the divorce. He was the Police Commissioner at the time.
So you can see how it all went to **** in short order.
But yeah, I am not looking to EVER date again. Nope, not going to happen. No way, no how.
And yes, I am actually scared about losing these 30 pds. Yeah, I occasionally get someone wanting to date me in this hideous physical state. But it's OCCASIONAL. I know that when I lose the weight, it will be as it was before--lots of offers--and I DON"T WANT THEM. I'm OFF THE RIDE! I'm just over it...
@ Atlantique, sorry I was just messing around up there earlier ^^
I think it's a good decision on your part to take a break for awhile and get your head straight. You've clearly had a very traumatic and trying experiences. Reading your second post in this thread- it makes me wonder if you have PTSD. Have you considered seeing a professional psychologist for some assistance in sorting out the residual feelings about all of these incidences?
But the Psychologist just kept telling me to fight the losing battle. No matter what it cost, as she wasn't paying it. Even asked her to come to court with me (paid) and she flat out refused.
I don't see how it would help. It is what it is. I am a target for people of immaturity and ill will. I'm not great at recognizing the immature and ill-willed up front. So it's better I not try. That's what 15 yrs of therapy has taught me--retreat.
It sounds like you had some horrible therapist/therapists..
I agree. Time to get new ones that will help you, not just take ur money/insurance.0 -
Yeah, I got counseling, which mainly consisted of pushing me to push it in court. As it was a misdemeanor legally, I had to pay to prosecute it. Perp was friend with the judge. I gave up after 5K and endless psychological distress.
That is not counseling, and your "counselor" should be reported. I would keep looking for a good counselor.
I hope you find a way to get past it
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LOL ..I understand that completely. However, I will contend that where they were in their class, doesn't really determine exactly how good they are with their clients whatsoever, at all.0
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