Birthdays, Death and Dieting

From January to February 25th I was doing great. Logging food, feeling overall better (sugar monitoring wise) and not feeling deprived.

February 26th, my oldest son's 19th birthday - I did well, ordered healthy(ish) Tilapia recipe at German Restaurant and had an apple cobbler type thing for Dessert and a goat cheese and spinach app. A splurge, but it was my "relaxed" day, so I was still doing well for self monitoring vs. critical logging.

Fast forward one week to March 4th. My youngest son's birthday. My day was hectic from 5:30 am to 1am (yes, a 20 hr day for me) and my meals were unplanned. I made a foolish choice on this of all days to cut my (preferred) 2 cups of MG Cheerios in half (watching those carbs) and was out way too long. I did make a wise choice to eat (2)light string cheese as a snack between stores instead of fast food or candy, however without a lunch or full breakfast it just wasn't enough. By 4pm I was in a full blown hypoglycemic crisis complete with shakes and altered mood. 1 glucose tab, 1 reeses cup and a serving of almonds later, I'm stable but still running all over town with no meal in sight.

6pm I'm home (finally) to make dinner, cake and cleanup/setup for party (and put away groceries from earlier trip). I had to have my oldest son finish the pickup and transport of party guests from the movies w/my youngest son so I could get the house ready. 7:30pm everyone's here and dinner is ready. Spaghetti and Meatballs is his choice for birthday dinner. I made sauce myself, and used Aldi meatballs (risky since we'd not had them before, but for frozen, they were good and everyone enjoyed) and spaghetti. In the middle of my cooking, I get a call from my dad which I could not answer. Little voice in my head started on that conversation with self saying, call him back it's important. I did as soon as I could but we had connection problems due to my cell phone also having a meltdown. When I finally did get through, it's bad news as I figured. My grandmother (his mother, and the last of my living grandparents) had passed suddenly around 2 in the afternoon. Without going into details of the family relationship with her, we're all saddened by her passing, and although she was not sick, she was 91 so it was bound to happen. We do as all people do and start thinking about how long it's been since we saw her. We feel guilty but at the same time we know it's partially her doing as well. So due to the relationship dynamic, I'm a ball of confusion. I start crying. I don't know if it's for me, my dad or for her. I stop crying, I'm ok, he's ok, everyone is ok. Back to dinner, I don't want to ruin my son's birthday but it's hard to hold it together.

Everyone eats, I'm together enough to use measured servings for myself, well within dieting range and I'm satisfied (although still under nourished for day) but I'm still having conversations with myself saying it's ok if you want to eat more, you didn't have good meals today and your sad, confused, it's a party, etc. but I just can't do it. I'm not that person anymore - at least not tonight. (lord knows I've eaten things since starting to diet that make no sense, that I didn't enjoy and that I didn't need to eat) I know I need to eat but now I'm not hungry. I did eat anyway because I just hate how a low blood sugar crisis feels from head to toe. Now it's cake time and I've still got more running around to do. My oldest is going to Mardi Gras wtih his best friend and his dad for a week. He's considering cutting the trip short but I tell him no since we don't know the details. I drop him off and make him give me a hug (we're not really touchy feely kind of people so PDA's are rare). My son is really growing up and is a wonderful man. I want him to enjoy his youth and do the things he wants to do (responsibly). I really don't want him to have any regrets about his life like I do. All the while I don't want him to go because there's a chance that something could happen - he's my first child and my friend and everything to me and I don't think I've ever told him that. I would fall off the deep end without him. He is everything his father isn't. He's more like my father and the type of man I'd wished I'd married, but I still believe everything happens for a reason. He's sensitive, smart, and loves his girlfriend openly and passionately.

Then there is today where I sit and try to figure out my life. (so here I am posting on MFP after logging my food so far for today). I have no idea what today has in store for me nor am I really anxious or curious to find out. I'm just kind of drifting through today so far.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I don't usually celebrate birthdays and my oldest is out of town, and my two little ones (no so little really, they're 16 and 14) are here with me. IDK what they're planning if anything. I would like to do something - how can I make a healthy cake or something? maybe I'll make some fruit and bran muffins that won't kill me (diet wise) but give me some kind of satisfaction. I don't know. Myabe some yogurt and then freeze it for a substitute ice cream treat. It all sounds like a lot of energy right now that I just can't seem to muster up and put to good use. I have to clean up from last night, but I'm kind of stuck in my mental rut. That's normal right? I'm grieving in my own way. It's ok, but yet it doesn't feel ok. I need to get unstuck but I'm feeling more like i just want to go to sleep.

My kids don't really know her and while they'd want to go to support me and my parents, I just don't know if I can handle it all. I don't do well in stressful situations and I'm even worse with stress and poor eating. I'm not sure I can be a mom now when I need to be the mourning granddaughter and the supportive daughter for my father. I'm mostly ok but then suddenly I'll start crying (like now) or just weeping without any instigation like talking about her or even thinking about her. I guess in my mind I'm realizing that my parents are now of that age that I have to start worrying about them and getting that call. I'm sure my kids (at least my oldest) is thinking the same thing about me and my parents too. In my mind, I'm still their little girl and not grown up. On the other hand I'm this single woman raising 3 teenagers on my own, battling depression for more than 20 years, suffering with back problems and constant pain, working full time and now trying to diet and be healthy. How can I be all this stuff at one time and not go totally crazy? I stop to notice the little chickadee in the tree in front of me and think about how beautiful life is when we stop to notice, then I'm snapped back into reality to figure out how to deal with all of this and keep my diet on track. I say diet but I do realize that this is a life change not a diet. At the same time, I know me and my depressive and addictive tendencies and how quickly I can undo weeks of retraining.

Normally, I would retreat to a water environment, relax a little, talk things over, think things through and find a way to get through it. That's not an option for me now, not here in NC with the kids and all. I've also turned to exercise as a method of release (energy wise) and a focused time for looking inward, but with my back I'm limited to what I can do without creating more problems. IDK I'll have to find something other than food. I really don't want this to get out of hand, even with good choices - too much is just too much, even of a good thing.

I'm not usually one to go to others, and maybe this would have been better served as a blog post, but I don't have one and right now am not really interested in starting one. The buds are starting to open on the tree outside my window, I can see the edges of pink flowers to come. Springtime - a time or birth and renewal, and yet also of death and dying (for those who celebrate Easter). I'm the birth and renewal - the new me struggling to be finally free of emotional eating and the limits of hypoglycemia, amidst the chaos of life and death thrust upon me in my time of weakness.

That which does not kill us only makes us stronger, but exactly how strong does one need to be? Life is full of balance even if we can't see it clearly. Life is an infinite circle but sometimes it feels like I'm only running on a treadmill - miles and miles and never leaving one place. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy or justification to say poor me and do whatever I want. I need some realistic ways to get through the stages of grief and trying times to come with my sanity, dignity and food plans in tact. I have no family here other than my kids, they're all in NJ so it's not a matter of even having people bringing food so I don't have to cook or coming over to help or keep me company. it's just me and that (bad) little voice in my head that I can't let have control of my life again.

Thanks for listening.