E m o t i o n a l - C o n f e s s i o n

. . . W h e n I go to sleep and have these dreams about eating all the bad food I stopped consuming.

I live almost across the street from a gas station/convienence store, and I used to work there. I know every little bad, sugary, salty thing in that place. Chips, cookies, nachos, ice cream, hostess, little debbie, cookies the size of your hand with your fingers spread out, oh man. I used to eat it all too. I'd have a slew of bad things in my purse and I'd even lie about it. I'd say I was "Babysitting" and keeping the kids occupied, because I would buy so much bad stuff, and multiples of what I was getting, I didn't want them thinking it was all for me. It was a sad sad time in my life, but the sadder part is I did it for almost 3 years even before I started working there. And I felt horrible. Physically and emotionally. I'd get home, sit down on the couch, pull up my computer, turn on the television, eat and eat and eat whatever my problem was way down, fall asleep from a sugar crash and wake up unrested, feeling sluggish and then eat another twinkie and fall back asleep. I was on a vicious cycle. And if it wasn't the bad foods at the gas station, it was delivery pizza. I won't even get into what I would eat from there in a night 3-4 times a week. Sad to sad, if I didn't have that destructive habit, I would probably have spared myself $1,000 from my paychecks last year alone.

But back on track, I had this horrible dream I ate all that again. I went to the gas station, and there strange teenagers were there, and they made all these comments about me, "Some people should just know when to say no" and ripping posters off the wall saying "She's got her own gravitational pull, watch out!" as they threw them towards me. Needless to say, no one has ever made fun of my weight, [that I know of] but it cut deep nonetheless in a dream.

And in the lingering moments I wake up, I contemplate what time it is, do I have time to order a pizza? Things like that. I'm trying to comfort myself from the pain I felt in my dreams, and this time, all the way from my bedroom downstairs to the kitchen, I contemplated what I could eat, how could I commit food suicide, food cutting, so I felt better.

I went downstairs and had my dinner waiting on the counter from before I napped. A healthy dinner and a Nature Valley Granola Thin bar, and ate them down. I didn't eat conciously, I didnt slow down to enjoy the food, I just ate it. It was to keep myself from crying tonight, I know that. I ate emotionally, even if it was my healthy prepared dinner.


I rambled. I just needed to let you guys all understand more about me. And yeah I cried a little writing this, because its being vunerable again, and I'm not used to that. And even though you're strangers, I feel as if I can let you all into my world and maybe connect with my food pain. IDK.

Hello to my two newest friends - I hope this post doesn't scare you away into thinking Im crazy!