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how do you explain

monkeyboy881
monkeyboy881 Posts: 287
edited September 2024 in Motivation and Support
how do you tell someone that they are bad for you and continuing a friendship of any kind would be poisonous .. she will always have a place in my heart and i HATE to hear her cry sooo much ... she called today and asked me to explain it to her and i was almost at a loss for words i told her that i dont get out of our relationship what i put in and told her she is a very selfish person to believe she gives me 100%..... i just dont know how to put that in her head !!!!!

Replies

  • sassyg
    sassyg Posts: 393
    I would just say... I'm at a place in my life right now where I need to put our friendship on the backburner. It doesn't mean I don't still care about you, but I just need to concentrate on other things. I hope that when things settle down in the future we can hang out again.
  • NanBar
    NanBar Posts: 283 Member
    ...stop answering your phone- you told her, now it is up to her to be an adult and deal with it. Sounds harsh- but a sharp knife cuts the quickest.
  • greeneyed84
    greeneyed84 Posts: 427 Member
    I would just say... I'm at a place in my life right now where I need to put our friendship on the backburner. It doesn't mean I don't still care about you, but I just need to concentrate on other things. I hope that when things settle down in the future we can hang out again.

    Yep, tell her that and also what the other post said, ignore her phone calls! She'll get it evenually
  • Mrs_McFadden
    Mrs_McFadden Posts: 1,139
    That is a very difficult situation. It's easier to break up with lovers than friends IMO. You need to be honest and simple with her I think. Something along the lines of : "Look Ashley, I care about you as a person and wish you the best but I cannot handle this friendship in my life right now". Keep it ultra simple - and that is the core of what you are going through. She will ask questions and probably demand answers so be prepared for that.
  • Daisy374
    Daisy374 Posts: 539 Member
    ...stop answering your phone- you told her, now it is up to her to be an adult and deal with it. Sounds harsh- but a sharp knife cuts the quickest.

    I agree... just don't talk to her right now until she can understand that you meant what you said. She sounds like she may be in denial and needs time to accept how you feel.
  • Shaye85
    Shaye85 Posts: 107
    they have to realize it on their own, no ammount of them telling ur side will make them see themselfs in that light...it took me 2 years to realize it was me who ****ed up the relationship. and no ammount of him telling me would make me believe it.

    she will figure it out
  • Vicky14174
    Vicky14174 Posts: 715 Member
    it sounds like you tried to be very kind to her when you tried to explain yourself and I'm proud of you for doing that. But if she keeps calling you will just have to tell her in a very stern manner that your feelings for her are not the same as she has for you and you can't make something be there when it's not. Then tell her to please stop calling you because it's not going to change. That she needs to move on with her life.

    That's all you can do. And hopefully in time she will see that you were right and that she is now happier.

    Good luck.

    vicky jo
  • Mollydee16
    Mollydee16 Posts: 1
    Be upfront with her. Tell her that when you reach your desired weight, that you will not think like the overweight man to whom she was attracted, and, therefore, would be interested only in women who are attracted to thin, well toned men.
  • TheNewLK
    TheNewLK Posts: 933 Member
    That is a very difficult situation. It's easier to break up with lovers than friends IMO. You need to be honest and simple with her I think. Something along the lines of : "Look Ashley, I care about you as a person and wish you the best but I cannot handle this friendship in my life right now". Keep it ultra simple - and that is the core of what you are going through. She will ask questions and probably demand answers so be prepared for that.

    This would be what I would suggest....If she still won't leave you alone after that...you will have to cut ties unfortunately....Ive been in the same place as you and its hard....but sometimes being harsh ends up being the only way to deal with the situation
  • CallejaFairey
    CallejaFairey Posts: 391 Member
    honestly, and i know this won't make you feel any better, but there is not much you will be able to say to her to make her understand. specially if she didn't get it when you told her in the first place. it's really a downer to be told that that a person does not get much out of a friendship. makes the person in question wonder what's wrong with them and what they did wrong. which also leads to trying to find out, which means not giving up and calling all the time. the only thing that will make her feel better is for you to say you were wrong, and for you to have decided you had to break off this friendship, it would probably not be the best thing to do. so like others said, ignore her phone calls. she is going to think you are the biggest *kitten*, and it's doubtful you can change that, but you do what you need to do, being selfish hurts at times, even when done with the best intentions.
  • downtome
    downtome Posts: 529 Member
    You tell her that your sorry but you must do whats in your best interest and that is concentrating on yourself and taking care of you. Remember, you come first! If she is as poisonous as you say then, no, you don't need that type of person in your life bringing you down. Just yesterday you were feeling bad about yourself and down on yourself, why do you need someone to help you with that?! You need to be around supportive, positive and unselfish people and that my friend, is in your best interest. If she can't handle the truth then I'm sorry to say that is her problem! Sometimes, people who are very self centered and extremely selfish just won't get it OR even care what you say or how you feel. I say you need to cut her off and don't drag it along, it will only make it worse. Like the above poster said, do it quickly, and ignore her calls, after that eventually she will come to terms with it. Good luck!
  • monkeyboy881
    monkeyboy881 Posts: 287
    ...stop answering your phone- you told her, now it is up to her to be an adult and deal with it. Sounds harsh- but a sharp knife cuts the quickest.

    yeah your right i like that quote ... i have stated my case and thats all i can do
  • monkeyboy881
    monkeyboy881 Posts: 287
    That is a very difficult situation. It's easier to break up with lovers than friends IMO. You need to be honest and simple with her I think. Something along the lines of : "Look Ashley, I care about you as a person and wish you the best but I cannot handle this friendship in my life right now". Keep it ultra simple - and that is the core of what you are going through. She will ask questions and probably demand answers so be prepared for that.

    This would be what I would suggest....If she still won't leave you alone after that...you will have to cut ties unfortunately....Ive been in the same place as you and its hard....but sometimes being harsh ends up being the only way to deal with the situation

    its also tough too bec i am sooo close to her parents as well ... they have really excepted me as a family member and she is also my cousins best friend so even if i do cut the friendship level off wich i already have she will still be around
  • MysticMaiden22
    MysticMaiden22 Posts: 324 Member
    Plain and simple - You need to cut her off. I've been at both ends of that type of issue. I've been the one that gets cut off, and I've done the cutting off myself. If she doesn't get it, then silence will be the best thing to help her.
  • arewethereyet
    arewethereyet Posts: 18,702 Member
    :ohwell: you sound like a nice guy. you explained, you listened, you have the right to feel the way you feel.

    Some people never get it. 17 years ago I cut a childhood friend when she told everyone in our office my business. I had a hard childhood and even harder teen years.........and worked my butt off to get a good reputation and put my childhood traumas behind. This woman would announce my business to everyone in the lunch room :embarassed:

    I talked to her and she went back and announced THAT :grumble:

    The only way she got it was when I just stopped answering her calls and her letters. She still sends me notes "Wish we were friends" but I cant trust her.

    It hurts, but if you have made the decision then you have to stick to your guns. :flowerforyou:
  • monkeyboy881
    monkeyboy881 Posts: 287
    :ohwell: you sound like a nice guy. you explained, you listened, you have the right to feel the way you feel.

    Some people never get it. 17 years ago I cut a childhood friend when she told everyone in our office my business. I had a hard childhood and even harder teen years.........and worked my butt off to get a good reputation and put my childhood traumas behind. This woman would announce my business to everyone in the lunch room :embarassed:

    I talked to her and she went back and announced THAT :grumble:

    The only way she got it was when I just stopped answering her calls and her letters. She still sends me notes "Wish we were friends" but I cant trust her.

    It hurts, but if you have made the decision then you have to stick to your guns. :flowerforyou:

    very true atleast i know i tried
  • monkeyboy881
    monkeyboy881 Posts: 287
    thanks vicky
  • Makers72
    Makers72 Posts: 65
    Just explain to her that your at a point where you cant go on with the relationship. Tell her you are sorry and you wish things were different. then cut it off completely. No point to go back and forth and risk "giving it a second chance"

    I would highly reccommend not personally attacking or getting into a petty argument. Just be polite, as best you can and youll be good.
  • pinkgigi
    pinkgigi Posts: 693 Member
    Gee there's a lot of good advice here, I wish I had read this thread when I was having trouble with my best friend last year.

    Sometimes you have to end things and people think they can make you change your mind. It may be an immaturity in this person to think they can 'reason' their way back into your good books. In my experience, you would need to go cold-turkey, any other contact will just drag things out.

    I wish you the best of luck.

    GG
  • ShonzG
    ShonzG Posts: 73 Member
    I've been through this... and it's not easy at first, but it does get better...

    I was a smoker and I am overweight. My friend is still a smoker and is still overweight. I would go and visit her in a town about 3 hours drive away, and I basically sat around her house all day waiting for her to get out of bed. When she did, all she wanted to do was smoke.

    That was the old me, not the new me...

    I eventually told her that I was finding it difficult to be her friend, as she wouldn't support the changes I had made in my life. We really haven't communicated much at all since then. The weight has been lifted off my shoulders, as now I am only thinking of myself, what I want from life, and how I want to spend my time. I think if I had stayed the same fat smoker that I was, things would still be fine between us, and I would still be obese.

    Be strong, stay firm and do what you think is right for you. You are the one that needs to live with your decisions, so make sure you are comfortable with them. It worked out really well for me (but I'm now down a best friend).

    Good luck

    Shonz
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