A relationship question - i hope you will take the time to r

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ashleyjea1985
ashleyjea1985 Posts: 190
in Chit-Chat
I am 25. I hang out with a group of guys mostly. One of them 26, is very nice. We have started to hang out and " hook up"....

the problem is, I'm not GA GA over him. He's just nice, there are things that are very wrong.....that I can tell.

he works at home depot for minimum wage and really has no aspiration to do anything... im attracted to him but not INSANELY...... "sexually" theres compatibility but not extremely.

I'm not sure if I hang out and hook up because I like him, or because I am just lonely and like that attention/affection.

One time when I was drunk I felt like I NEEDED him and called him 292 times.

He really likes me, and tell me that all the time, in fact he wants to be in a relationship.

The thought of putting that I'm in a relationship on facebook.. i dk. how to put this.. its embarrassing to me?
but cutting him off makes me upset because i will miss just hanging out and cuddling. im also scared that here is an actual nice guy who likes me and treats me well, and i might pass it by.

I dont really want a lot of our friends to even know.

I dont know what my problem is. some friends tell me to just continue that maybe more feelings will develop. Some tell me its not fair to string him along, some tell me im just very lonely and grasping for whatever is even remotely attraction.

what do you think? where you always ga ga over your bf/gf/spouse? Did it develop? What advice could you give me?

Thanks for your time.
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Replies

  • JHoersten2
    JHoersten2 Posts: 44 Member
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    It's fairly simple. Forget all the social standards weighing down your shoulders about his finances, job, etc.

    Do you like him? Easy question.


    If you do, have fun with it. You're young and this isn't marriage.

    If he's an embarrassment to you, then he always will be. If you're just reaching out for affection, then Mr. Right-now isn't the answer either. Follow the heart and let your mind sort it out later. If anything, schedule 2 dates a week with different guys for a month straight. Don't bring them home or anything, but enjoy an evening out and get to know some people. I'm sure that by the end of the month, you'll have a better idea about how you feel towards this one guy as well as companionship altogether.
  • xlacijeanx
    xlacijeanx Posts: 232 Member
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    If there's no excitement in changing your fb status for this guy, he's not the right guy. You need to be honest with him. He apparently wants more than you do and that isn't fair to either of you. You want butterflies- the good kind over a guy!

    We all hate being lonely- but most of us go through it one time or another. End your situation with this guy or you'll miss out on a guy you could go GA GA over. :) Or there's always the friends with benefits strictly- but you need to discuss it with him- if he already wants more- then it's probably a no go....
  • jesshall281
    jesshall281 Posts: 219
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    When I first met my now husband, I just felt that it was simply a crush and either something will happen or it wont. Then his visa ran out and he had to go back to South Africa, when he told me this, I immediately knew that i loved him as i couldnt let him go, so i packed up and we moved to South Africa together.

    Sometimes there'll be a situation that will determine your feelings for this person, whether its positive or negative, and you'll feel it in your heart how you feel.

    You dont have to be in a relationship or not, just keep hanging out and taking this easy until you know how you feel. If you explain to the person that youre not sure if youre ready for a relationship yet and that you may need more time, then it wont be leading him on. Leading this person on would be saying that youre keen to get in a relationship with this person...then keep avoiding the subject.

    Hope it goes well for you
  • mistyb47711
    mistyb47711 Posts: 861 Member
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    Well to be honest.....I think if you dont have feelings for him to have a relationship with him then he needs to know it will not go any further than "hooking up"......But if you want to continue that and he agrees then he cant blame ou if he gets his heart broken. But if you want to see if you do have feelings or will have feelings for him just tell him that you dont feel that way right now, but would like to continue hanging out and getting to know him to see if it can go beyond that. Anyone I have ever not wanted a relationship with imy feelings did not change. Hope this helps...
  • ronjaa
    ronjaa Posts: 65
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    Why don't you tell him the truth and see what happens?
    You have to be honest to him.. If you lie, it's not fair to him, but not fair to you either...
  • lulabellewoowoo
    lulabellewoowoo Posts: 3,125 Member
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    Why don't you tell him the truth and see what happens?
    You have to be honest to him.. If you lie, it's not fair to him, but not fair to you either...
    I agree. If you guys were friends before, then fall back on that friendship now. What would you want if the situation was reversed? Be honest with yourself and with him. Then let him make the decision and accept whatever may come.
  • Amandac6772
    Amandac6772 Posts: 1,311 Member
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    If you feel like you can't live without him then he's the one...if you feel like you can you need to cut him loose and move on. Don't settle...it makes things harder down the road.
  • sarahanne40
    sarahanne40 Posts: 69 Member
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    Personally I can't count the amount of times I thought to myself 'that's it the next man who shows me affection - I'm gonna MAKE him 'the one'...'

    Then I would meet said man, and decide that they a) don't interest me / make me giggle (intellegance is high on my agenda), b) had no aspirations (2nd in the list) and c) although there would be a small physical click, honestly I now think I could physically click with most people when I have been single for a long,long time - how long that click lasted is another thing. Then I realised I just wasn't going to settle for second best anymore, I had a good time and 'fun' to be sure - but I didnt want to hitch my cart to someone I may not even fancy in 10 years time.

    If you are having reservations now - they can go one of two ways; You'll either realise that he is 'the one' and that you couldn't face another day without him by your side (forget about the future for this one - cos to be fair you never know how your emotions can change over time). OR you could take or leave him now, and you don't think that will change (especially if your uncomfortable telling your friends that you're hooking up) - if thats the case, but honest with him - men are not like women - they may not like what they hear, but they appreciate honesty (sad to say most of my female friends don't like honesty and react quite badly to it, as I have learnt to my peril!). If he wants to continue messing around and you're happy with that, then thats fine, so long as he knows what he's getting into - but also try to imagine a scenario where your friends find out, how will you react to this - and will that make you even more uncomfortable?

    Happily for me after basically giving up on finding 'the one', he found me (or more to the point one of our mutual friends found us for each other) - I knew when I met him that he was special (when he told me he too was a secret clean freak, lol) :love: , and I was gutted when he didnt ask for my number the first time we met. But in true Sarah fashion, I shrugged it off as his loss - then magically he facebooked me two weeks later - and after marginal faffing around we started dating, over a year on we live together :bigsmile: - that being said I still don't have him as my boyfriend on facebook (yet) - there are things that the people who matter know - and then random friends on there don't need to know !!
  • Contrary03
    Contrary03 Posts: 289 Member
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    If your not "crazy" about him, and can't wait to see him again after being apart for any length of time, then your never going to. He's not the one in my opinion and by the sounds of it, he's not the type to take a step backwards, with the truth and say yeah, ok, let's just be friends with benefits. Go find the "right" one girl~ he's out there somewhere.
  • FaithandFitness
    FaithandFitness Posts: 653 Member
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    having been in some relationships like the one you describe . . . I would say don't pursue it if you really don't see a long term outcome. I have had casual relationships (or at least I thought they were) and when they ended there was total heartbreak on the guy's part and then I felt HORRIBLE. It is not fair to him. If you are upfront and honest about where you stand and he still wants to continue, then that is okay, but most guys will think you are very interested if you continue in the relationship the way you are going. Maybe take a break from him and see how you do. Just be careful, heartaches are hard!
  • loupammac
    loupammac Posts: 194 Member
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    When my partner and I started dating, I needed the encouragement. He was a sweet guy and we were good friends in primary school but I was gaga over this other guy who simply wouldn't give me the time of day. I would moan endlessly to my now partner about how horrible it was. Eventually my partner told me point blank that I needed someone who would love me and treat me properly, someone like himself. I declined his requests for about two weeks since I wasn't experiencing the butterflies and he was an hour's drive away in my hometown. Then I decided to take the gamble because hey, I could either win or lose.

    Boy did it pay off. I'm the happiest I've ever been and that other guy isn't even a friend any more. I get butterflies all the time :) So honey, my advice is to the simply let him know that you want to take things slowly and take it one day at a time. You'll soon work out if you want to be with him or not and hell if you can't, then do it any way and you'll either win or lose.

    (Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game --- A Cinderella Story)
  • Dafrog
    Dafrog Posts: 353
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    dont settle for someone just because you are lonely. seriously if u called him 292 times, you have some insucure issues you need to deal with. as for his job (atleast he has one). and lastly dont live your life thinking the grass is greener on the other side or you will never find the right guy. oh one more...if you focus on the negitive then it will be negitive; look for the possitive aspects in ppl. good luck
  • Arester
    Arester Posts: 138 Member
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    I was in a similar situation. I was attracted to him physically but realized that it really wasn't going to lead to anywhere healthy for either of us. It's funny, after we stopped our "relationship" I met my husband a few months later. My advice would be that if you don't feel he's the right one, then stop what you're doing. I am so happy I met my husband and all I can say is that it's just a different feeling when you're with the one you're supposed to be with.
  • DowntimeDesigns
    DowntimeDesigns Posts: 134 Member
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    I just want to chime in at the hilarity of 'changing facebook status to in a relaitionship'... who cares?

    Its the Interwebz, not sersbzns! I think mine says I'm in a relationship and its complicated with Emilio Estevez... lol
  • T_R_A_V
    T_R_A_V Posts: 1,629 Member
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    To me it sounds like it is just a physical relationship only....
  • sillygoose1977
    sillygoose1977 Posts: 2,151 Member
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    If you're not feeling it now, you probably wont. That said, there is no shame in having a friend to hook up with. I would be honest with him that that's all you are looking for at the moment. I would serious consider why you would call anyone that many times. It smells a little like desperation so you might want to think about maybe just learning how to be happy alone before you find someone else.

    I forgot to add that judging him based on his job is kind of harsh. At least he doesn't sit at home and play video games in mom and dad's basement all day.
  • sweetheart03622
    sweetheart03622 Posts: 928 Member
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    When I first started dating my boyfriend my intention was to date him the summer before I went to college, have some fun, screw around, be a little wild, and that was it. He was 24, waiting tables, not going anywhere... pretty much the same deal. 5 years later I'm still with him, he went back to college and is in school to be a nurse. I'm so incredibly proud of him. He adores me, treats me like a queen, and would do anything for me. I know that our ultimate goals in life line up, and to me, that's what really matters. I developed much deeper feelings for him once I realized that I had found a guy that wanted the same things out of life, just had to make him realize what he needed to do in order to get there (i.e. get a degree, career, etc).
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
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    Worried about not having someone to cuddle with? Or whether or not to change your FB status? Really?

    If I didn't have 3 daughters, 2 of them your age, I would have passed this by, laughed, rolled my eyes and thought, wtf? But, I realize that you are serious and that it is a big deal to you.

    1. Drunk dialing someone 292 times? You know better.

    2. Worried about someone to cuddle? Be fair to this guy. If not being lonely equates to stringing someone along, do him a favor, dump him. I realize you don't want to hurt him, but you will hurt him more in the long run. You don't have to "dump him" . Just explain that you would prefer to have a friend than a lover.

    3. FB Status? I got nothing.

    Sorry, about how I might sound. I was 26 once (30 years ago). I know how this feels. But, having been there, I can honestly say, it'll pass and the real one could be out there right now looking for you. You don't want to be on FB, sending a "poke" to your wannabe and miss the real thing.

    To answer your other questions. When I met my wife, IT WAS obvious that she was the one. I proposed 6 weeks later. Secondly, I hope you, and my own daughters meet someone and love them as deeply as I love my wife and you experience the same commitment back.

    You're a beautiful girl with an obviously big heart. Don't settle.
  • CakeFit21
    CakeFit21 Posts: 2,521 Member
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    Worried about not having someone to cuddle with? Or whether or not to change your FB status? Really?

    If I didn't have 3 daughters, 2 of them your age, I would have passed this by, laughed, rolled my eyes and thought, wtf? But, I realize that you are serious and that it is a big deal to you.

    1. Drunk dialing someone 292 times? You know better.

    2. Worried about someone to cuddle? Be fair to this guy. If not being lonely equates to stringing someone along, do him a favor, dump him. I realize you don't want to hurt him, but you will hurt him more in the long run. You don't have to "dump him" . Just explain that you would prefer to have a friend than a lover.

    3. FB Status? I got nothing.

    Sorry, about how I might sound. I was 26 once (30 years ago). I know how this feels. But, having been there, I can honestly say, it'll pass and the real one could be out there right now looking for you. You don't want to be on FB, sending a "poke" to your wannabe and miss the real thing.

    To answer your other questions. When I met my wife, IT WAS obvious that she was the one. I proposed 6 weeks later. Secondly, I hope you, and my own daughters meet someone and love them as deeply as I love my wife and you experience the same commitment back.

    You're a beautiful girl with an obviously big heart. Don't settle.

    Seriously. I was your age when I met my husband and I had another boyfriend at the time. I went home and dumped him. I'm not kidding. I knew it right away. I proposed 2 weeks later and we eloped 3 months after out first date. Our 9yr anniversary is the 21st of this month. You could be keeping this guy from the love of his life and you could miss yours. For what?

    edited to add: the guy I dumped I was with for THREE years.
  • kayemme
    kayemme Posts: 1,782 Member
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    i think you're probably overthinking the entire thing. just take it day by day. you guys are young, so there's no need to rush anything.

    i am concerned, though, that you called him 292 times. even drunk, that's kind of over-the-top.

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