OT- Relationship Advice

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mlillie
mlillie Posts: 302
in Health and Weight Loss
So I just want to throw this out here and see if anyone has any advice for me about it. And I am writing about it because I realize that it is eating me up a bit.

My boyfriend of 4 months still does things with his ex-wife and they are still friends. They sometimes go out to eat, they do a volunteer radio show together, she calls him to house sit, they email- when i was over at his house she thought he was on his computer and tried to chat and I turned it off. I honestly dont think anything sexual is going on with them at all and I do trust him about that. She is also kind of dating someone. I do, however feel disrespected. This girl and I knew each other in college and she really didnt like me then when they first started dating- it is because of her that we werent friends anymore. Now 13 years later, they are divorced and I am dating him, I dont think she is totally thrilled with that either.

I am not a super diva or need to be put on a pedastal, but in a relationship, I like to feel respected and like I am THE woman in that guys life. In a few weeks they are throwing a yearly party together at the house they use to own together. It is a yearly party they have thrown and even since their divorce (1.5 years ago) they continue to have the party together. Some of his stuff is still over at her house and we went to get some of it once and I saw in the kitchen on the wall it still says "L loves V forever". Which was hard to see.

I think I have a right to feel weird and awkward about going to this party and all this in general....but what do you guys think about all of it?? I feel like I have been really understanding about their friendship but realize that actually it gets on my nerves and I hate it. But I dont feel I can give an ultimatum and dont want to. I am not a jealous girl and have no problem with his friends that are girls at all. If he is the guy for me and knows how this upsets me and I have spoken about it more than twice in a civilized way- is this just a sign that really I shouldnt be with this guy??

Any advice is helpful...really. Sorry for the long post.
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Replies

  • mlillie
    mlillie Posts: 302
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    So I just want to throw this out here and see if anyone has any advice for me about it. And I am writing about it because I realize that it is eating me up a bit.

    My boyfriend of 4 months still does things with his ex-wife and they are still friends. They sometimes go out to eat, they do a volunteer radio show together, she calls him to house sit, they email- when i was over at his house she thought he was on his computer and tried to chat and I turned it off. I honestly dont think anything sexual is going on with them at all and I do trust him about that. She is also kind of dating someone. I do, however feel disrespected. This girl and I knew each other in college and she really didnt like me then when they first started dating- it is because of her that we werent friends anymore. Now 13 years later, they are divorced and I am dating him, I dont think she is totally thrilled with that either.

    I am not a super diva or need to be put on a pedastal, but in a relationship, I like to feel respected and like I am THE woman in that guys life. In a few weeks they are throwing a yearly party together at the house they use to own together. It is a yearly party they have thrown and even since their divorce (1.5 years ago) they continue to have the party together. Some of his stuff is still over at her house and we went to get some of it once and I saw in the kitchen on the wall it still says "L loves V forever". Which was hard to see.

    I think I have a right to feel weird and awkward about going to this party and all this in general....but what do you guys think about all of it?? I feel like I have been really understanding about their friendship but realize that actually it gets on my nerves and I hate it. But I dont feel I can give an ultimatum and dont want to. I am not a jealous girl and have no problem with his friends that are girls at all. If he is the guy for me and knows how this upsets me and I have spoken about it more than twice in a civilized way- is this just a sign that really I shouldnt be with this guy??

    Any advice is helpful...really. Sorry for the long post.
  • Fab140
    Fab140 Posts: 1,976 Member
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    :flowerforyou:

    hey there!! I'm sorry you're being eaten up by this.

    May I ask a few questions?

    How long before you started dating did they divorce? And are there any kids involoved?
  • mlillie
    mlillie Posts: 302
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    No kids. They were divorced a little over a year. Separated for two years

    I feel prety :embarassed: posting this on here but I honestly am just at a bit of a loss and wanted some perspective.....
  • Marla64
    Marla64 Posts: 23,120 Member
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    My friend stayed buddies with her ex-hubby for years, and would routinely "hook up" with him when they were bored-- this sounds weird. I'd tread carefully. Maybe they have no interest in being married anymore, but she's obviously still wayyyy in the picture-- tread lightly, and guard your heart.
  • RachVR6
    RachVR6 Posts: 3,688 Member
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    Not knowing any of the people in the situation I can't say that something is going on but it would bother me as well. Just be careful and stay aware. They would definitely be a little too chummy for me if I was in your shoes. If there's truely nothing going on, he's very lucky to have an patient and understanding woman like you! :flowerforyou:
  • Fab140
    Fab140 Posts: 1,976 Member
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    My friend stayed buddies with her ex-hubby for years, and would routinely "hook up" with him when they were bored-- this sounds weird. I'd tread carefully. Maybe they have no interest in being married anymore, but she's obviously still wayyyy in the picture-- tread lightly, and guard your heart.

    I agree here. They have 13+ years while your in for 4 months. Sit down and write it out in a journal. See if you really need the stress of feeling like a third wheel.

    :flowerforyou:
  • kirstina_23
    kirstina_23 Posts: 448 Member
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    I give you props for dealing with it. If they had kids it would make more sense on why they are seeing each other. There relationship seems like there still close just not married be very carefull, but to tell you the truth , I would go mad!
  • ChubbyBunny
    ChubbyBunny Posts: 3,523 Member
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    My friend stayed buddies with her ex-hubby for years, and would routinely "hook up" with him when they were bored-- this sounds weird. I'd tread carefully. Maybe they have no interest in being married anymore, but she's obviously still wayyyy in the picture-- tread lightly, and guard your heart.

    I don't like posting much but .... your story kicked me in the heart. I have to agree here.
  • SoupNazi
    SoupNazi Posts: 4,229 Member
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    All I can say is guard your heart and don't ignore your instincts.

    I wish ya the best.:flowerforyou:
  • mlillie
    mlillie Posts: 302
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    thanks a lot!! I really miss having good girlfriends around for perspective! It is funny because I know how I would respond if one of you posted it but for some reason because it is me it feels like I am causing too much of a scene or making a big deal out of it.

    :flowerforyou: Thanks a lot!
  • bethany169
    bethany169 Posts: 23
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    You said you've talked to him about it twice in a civilized way--how does he respond? Does he get defensive? Minimize your feelings or tell you that you're being silly? Does he try to empathize with how you're feeling and do anything to make you feel better about it?

    I can definitely understand you feeling uncomfortable with the whole thing, it's pretty weird, but if he knows it bothers you and tries to work with you on it rather than just blowing you off about it, I think your relationship might be worth it.
  • fit_amy
    fit_amy Posts: 41
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    I think you have every right to feel the way you do!!! Just reading your post made me feel knots in my throat!! It is really not cool that he's still hanging out with her THAT much--after you've asserted your feelings and wishes! You've been together 4 months, which is long enough to begin a bond. I think this is the time to evaluate the relationship... I think you need to decide if you want to go further in this relationship and continue bonding and getting to know and love each other, or if you want to continue your search for someone more suited for you.

    I don't want to hurt your feelings, but it seems like he has a strong bond with his ex-wife. Thirteen years is a long time indeed, but still... I had an 8 year ex, and we remained in contact for probably 6 months post break-up, and then we realized we needed to get on with our separate lives because it was too hard to stay close. That is really the only way to begin a new life, I think. When we see eachother out, we are friendly but we sure don't feel the need to hang out.

    I can kind of understand remaining friends with an ex, but *all* those activities together seem excessive. I would wonder if they really want their romantic relationship to end? Hosting a party together, as they did every year they were married? Seriously!! It's too much... (i think). There's no way I could go to that party. Why can't they just be civil to one another and occasionally socialize? You are not being too demanding--you are the lady in his life, and he should respect your feelings!
  • kimber607
    kimber607 Posts: 7,128 Member
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    Hi

    Oh, heck NO..
    I'm easy going and trusting in a relationship and have never been the needy, jealous type...but this doesn't sit well with me
    If they had kids it would be a different story
    I can see being respectful and saying HI if they were to run into each other, but all the e-mailing etc etc...something seems fishy??

    I would be open and talk to him about it....really decide if it's something you want to get into the middle of

    Good luck, kim
  • NewMK08
    NewMK08 Posts: 399 Member
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    Wow...It seems like they get along really well-Why did they divorce?? It just seems strange to me that you would get a divorce and then continue to act a lot like a married couple...Or at least a "dating" couple. I guess that some people do get along better when they aren't married, but this seems extreme.

    Your boyfriend is lucky you've been so understanding up to this point...I'm normally not a jealous person, but in this situation I would be green with envy! I don't share my man...Plus it would make me start to doubt myself-I would wonder what she had that I didn't? Or what it is about her that he still has to have even though they're divorced.

    Just be careful...
  • mlck2323
    mlck2323 Posts: 87
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    i would not go to the party--tell him it makes you uncomfortable, and he should start getting the message!
  • diannholland1965
    diannholland1965 Posts: 782 Member
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    From the OTHER SIDE in a way I can say that My Ex Husband And I are still good friends.
    BUT,
    We do not hang together,
    We do not have parties together.
    And if we go out to eat together it is with the Kids and My Man and whoever my EX is dating at the time.
    And the MOST WONDERFUL man that I am with, is friends with some of his ex girlfriends as well.
    But the same is said about the relationships that he has with them.
    I get the feeling that she still has feelings for him, and even if HE does not SEE it, I would venture a guess that YOU are not the ONLY one that sees something ODD about this relationship with the 2 of them.
    This might just be me, but I ALMOST think that a little turn about is fair play is needed here. IF you had a man that you dated that YOU could hang out with and see how Mr Can't leave the ex wife anlone man likes it.
    But that is playing down to a level that you do not need to sink to.
    I agree that you need to guard your heart. To me this sounds like he is trying to have his cake and eat it too.
    HOW can he have a comittment with you when he is still commited to her?
    Hope this does not sound too harsh. But GIRLY GIRL!!Move on and move up!!! to a man that respects you and sees ONLY YOU for the wonderful women that you are.
    This guy sounds like a HUGE LOSER to me! Kick him to the curb and find a better one! It will do your spirt good!
    --Diann...
  • tashjs21
    tashjs21 Posts: 4,584 Member
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    My friend stayed buddies with her ex-hubby for years, and would routinely "hook up" with him when they were bored-- this sounds weird. I'd tread carefully. Maybe they have no interest in being married anymore, but she's obviously still wayyyy in the picture-- tread lightly, and guard your heart.

    Marla hit it right on the head there. She is obviously still high priority in his life. Be careful.
  • diannholland1965
    diannholland1965 Posts: 782 Member
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    BTW DEAR!!!
    DO NOT DARE think for ONE minute that YOU are the one that is wrong in this.
    This is YOUR heart and YOUR life and if he is going to treat you with this much disrespect and disregard then DUMP HIM!
    Make dust as FAST as your CAN!
    If he really loves you and wants YOU then he will find YOU and get YOU back.
    If he does not, then he will not.
    Men do not have GRAY areas.
    --Diann...
  • christelpistol
    christelpistol Posts: 246 Member
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    if you have a reason to be "suspicious" there is usually a very good reason.
  • frithir
    frithir Posts: 179 Member
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    Straight talk here, darling. Just because they are legally divorced doesn't mean that they are also psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. divorced. From what you've described, the only way they are divorced is legally :frown: Yeah ~ they're not physically living together, yeah, they're both at least going through the motions of dating other people but at least to these old eyes, all-the-way-divorced is soooo NOT where those two are :noway: Sorry sweetheart ~ the vibes I'm getting is that unless you happen to like being cast into the role of the "other woman" then you might want to give some serious thought about continuing in this relationship. As strange as it sounds, there ARE some folks that plain old get along better with each other when they aren't legally married. I knew a couple that lived together for 15 years, got married, divorced within 6 months and when the divorce was final, moved back in together and to this day, are as happy as if they had good sense. You DO DESERVE a man all your own and again, sorry sweetheart ~ this man ain't it.

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