Could YOU pick a favorite child???????????

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alliecore
alliecore Posts: 446 Member
in Chit-Chat
Why do people pick favorite kids? I'm seriously upset right now!!!! I live 12 miles from my in-laws. My husband drives truck over the road and is gone up to 7 days at a time. My kids are 6, 5, and 2. I hold the fort down entirely on my own, and they NEVER check in to see how we are doing, or to see if I need help. They know that I'm really into health and fitness, and I get the occassional snyde comment; but nothing major. They also know that I've been training for a mud run for a year now.

So last night I asked them if they could keep the kids overnight so my husband and I could go to St. Louis the night before the mud run. (4 hour drive for us.) Our 11th anniversary is coming up in June, and we thought we would try to do this as a small anniversary getaway.

We have lived close to them for 2 years now, and only ONCE have we asked them to keep the kids overnight. They have NEVER offered to give us a night kid-free.

So the answer? "You better get the babysitter to do it." Why? Because their youngest daughter (age 25), who lives 3 hours away, has a function at her school that they want to attend. My MIL said, "If our car was bigger maybe we could take the children along...." BULLS***T!!! My husband has 2 grown, single sisters (ages 25 and 32), one of which still lives at home. Between them they have 3 vehicles!!!!!

I feel so bad for my husband. These people are Mennonite (aka. ULTRA religious) and we are their only kids who don't attend their church. So they support the kids who are like them. (This story is just an example. The favortism happens CONSTANTLY.) I live 12 miles away, and they don't offer jack squat; their daughter who lives 3 HOURS away??? They drive up there to see her and help her, constantly. Usually a couple times a month, at least; sometimes weekly.

God help me, I never want to forget what this feels like. (I don't want to continue to feel angry); but when my kids are grown, even if I don't agree with every choice they make, I want to be loving and supportive and for gods sake, NEVER pick favorites. How can you call yourself a Christian and act like that? :noway:
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Replies

  • audjrey
    audjrey Posts: 360 Member
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    Sometimes YOU have to be the one to just let go. I know. Easier said than done sometimes. But isn't YOUR happiness worth it?? Nothing is going to change them, Christian or not, until they are willing to change. Be the example of a truly happy, loving and compassionate person, one who shows no favoritism to anyone or anything, if not for them, then do it for your husband and your children.

    just my thoughts.
  • themommie
    themommie Posts: 5,023 Member
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    Sorry to hear this. I do not know why people pick favorites , but my mil does the same thing the first born of every generation is her favorite. It is so obvious. I am christian and it makes me mad when people call themselves christian but dont act like it because it gives all christians a bad name. Just because you say you are a christian does not mean you have a relationship with God or act any better or different then some nonchristians. I hope you and your husband are able to get away and enjoy yourselves anyway. it is important to make time for yourselves
  • SJT75
    SJT75 Posts: 134
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    I can completely empathise with you....My mum favours my sister and my husbands mum favours his brother...we don't ask a lot but when we do you would think i had asked them to chop a limb off!

    I so hope i never make my kids feel the way our parents make us feel :-(

    Sam
  • almondy
    almondy Posts: 2 Member
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    Wow! Sounds like they have really hurt you. I will say a prayer for you that God will give you Jesus's heart for your inlaws and peace for the day. Hopefully you will still be able to go to the mud run. Sounds fun! :flowerforyou:
  • Becky1971
    Becky1971 Posts: 979 Member
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    I absolutely could not, and would not, and won't do it with grandkids either. I have experienced this myself, and my kids have been affected by it and it's difficult to deal with. Further more, We are a Christian family tho my oldest son is not. I feel nothing less for him then my other kids. No way could I ever make him feel not good enough, not worthy, or unloved because his beliefs are different then mine.


    Sometimes kids have their own perceptions, and feel left out or whatever, even when you have loved and nurtured them as you should, its not possible to parent kids the same, each is so different. But it's quite obvious such as in your case when there is blatant favoritism going on. I'm sorry you guys have this to deal with. All you can do really is to try and let go of it, cause I know it can really eat at you.
  • PeachyKeene
    PeachyKeene Posts: 1,645 Member
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    Just because they're Christian, don't make them perfect. Christians are just forgiven, but far from perfect. We do strive to do what God would want us to do. Yes, maybe it does seem that they pick favorites, but didn't they already have this planned. Is it fair to them for you to expect them to change their plans they already had? Maybe you are more upset because it didn't work out like you wanted and maybe the younger daughter asked them more often to do things and that is why they do so much with her. There may be more to it than what you are seeing.
  • Becky1971
    Becky1971 Posts: 979 Member
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    Just because they're Christian, don't make them perfect. Christians are just forgiven, but far from perfect. We do strive to do what God would want us to do. Yes, maybe it does seem that they pick favorites, but didn't they already have this planned. Is it fair to them for you to expect them to change their plans they already had? Maybe you are more upset because it didn't work out like you wanted and maybe the younger daughter asked them more often to do things and that is why they do so much with her. There may be more to it than what you are seeing.

    I imagine there is more to it, thats why she's posting. Obviously she can't give us years of whats taken place in one post.
  • catcrazy
    catcrazy Posts: 1,740 Member
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    I have 4 kids, there are definitely times when I don't like one of them for some reason or other but favourites...NO.

    Don't get me wrong, i'm not going to say there is never a preference, i'm human, humans are selfish. I have a preference for one if there is a crisis, for another if I need cheering up, another if I want a hug and another if I just want a good old chat (My kids are older 13-23)...but I would never choose to be helping one child over another. I hate them fighting / arguing because I hate having to come down on any side in case its seen as favouritism, I felt it with my own parents and vowed my kids would never feel the same...you vow the same and have a clear conscience.
  • alliecore
    alliecore Posts: 446 Member
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    Just because they're Christian, don't make them perfect. Christians are just forgiven, but far from perfect. We do strive to do what God would want us to do. Yes, maybe it does seem that they pick favorites, but didn't they already have this planned. Is it fair to them for you to expect them to change their plans they already had? Maybe you are more upset because it didn't work out like you wanted and maybe the younger daughter asked them more often to do things and that is why they do so much with her. There may be more to it than what you are seeing.

    I imagine there is more to it, thats why she's posting. Obviously she can't give us years of whats taken place in one post.
    Thanks Becky1971, actually that is very true.....there is a lot more to it but I just needed to blow off some steam.:smile:
    But thanks for the perspective check, LorriStricland......you do have a great point about it making me more upset because it didn't work out like I wanted....which isn't very fair, and I appreciate the reminder! :)
    For the record, my husband and I are Christians.....just have been really hurt by "religion". We work really hard to keep the relationship good with his parents...we consistently make effort to see them and make sure they see the kids on a regular basis. It just gets really tiring to always be the ones making the effort...but we want to model a good example for our kids, so we work hard to model good relationships.
    We decided to just make the mud run a family event! It's going to be fun! :)
  • PeachyKeene
    PeachyKeene Posts: 1,645 Member
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    Just because they're Christian, don't make them perfect. Christians are just forgiven, but far from perfect. We do strive to do what God would want us to do. Yes, maybe it does seem that they pick favorites, but didn't they already have this planned. Is it fair to them for you to expect them to change their plans they already had? Maybe you are more upset because it didn't work out like you wanted and maybe the younger daughter asked them more often to do things and that is why they do so much with her. There may be more to it than what you are seeing.

    I imagine there is more to it, thats why she's posting. Obviously she can't give us years of whats taken place in one post.

    I am just posting the way I see things. My mother-in-law seems to pick favorites too, but I also see other things that make it seem that way. My sister-in-law ask her to do a lot of stuff for her and makes her feel guilty, if she doesn't. We don't, so of course it is going to be easier for her to just adhere to what my sister-in-law wants. I am sure there are other things she did not post, I am just trying to let it be known what I have seen out of my own family. It has taken me 14 out of the 16 years to come to realize it, but it helps me to be at peace.
  • PeachyKeene
    PeachyKeene Posts: 1,645 Member
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    Good luck on the 10k Mud Run!
  • cookiealbright
    cookiealbright Posts: 605 Member
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    I used to be married to a truck driver too when I was raising my boys. His parents were just like your in-laws and my parents weren't much better. I remember about 3 times in about 10 yrs. taking my boys up to my moms to go out for the evening. Then when she was old and in the nursing home she said to me "Remember when your kids were little and I used to take care of them"? I just laughed, what are you going to do with an 81 yr old worman argue? My youngest boy has 2 kids of his own now and they are at my house at least every other weekend. When my granddaughter gets mad at her parents (usually for correcting her) she bugs them until they call me for her and she will say "I want to come to your house, Grammy". My husband (not the truck driver) loves the kids too. I wouldn't have it any other way. I wish I lived closer to you, I'd watch your kids for ya! Oh, yeah, me & my husband still work full-time. I raised my boys that family is the most important thing, it is to me anyway. But if the rest of your family doesn't feel that way there's not much you can do about it. Just let it go for your own sanity. (((Hugs))) to ya.
  • LeeKetty1176
    LeeKetty1176 Posts: 881 Member
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    always look after your kids and treat them the same....................they are the ones that will pick the old folks home you go in!!!
  • alliecore
    alliecore Posts: 446 Member
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    Thanks everyone! :flowerforyou:
    I just had to blow off, and I feel 100% better now! I have to bite my tongue quite often around my MIL, and sometimes the pressure builds up, but I don't ever want to look back and have to regret the things I have said to her. (An anonymous board where nobody knows her and it won't hurt her reputation seemed like a safe way to go!:laugh: )

    I have no intention of hanging onto unhealthy anger or negative feelings towards them. Really, it more just hurts.....but I do struggle with anger the times that I've seen my husband hurting sooo bad over some of the things that have happened. I try to work extra hard to keep the relationship good, so that he doesn't have to deal with negativity during the precious time that he is home. Anyhoo...we're already deep into the planning of making this mud run a family affair! It's going to be GREAT!
  • jamiesgotagun
    jamiesgotagun Posts: 670 Member
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    Ugh I hate that, I know too well what you are talking about. We call my husbands older brother the 'Golden Child' their parents treat his brother and his kids sooooo much differently then my husband and our kids. Now I could care less, but I hate to see how it affects my husband!!!!!
  • hroush
    hroush Posts: 2,073 Member
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    My younger sister is the favorite. A quick example is that she got her driver's license and owned two cars before I even got my license; she drove me around! :noway: I'm not bitter in any way :grumble:.

    It amazes me how selfish people can be and they don't realize what choosing a favorite does to the other one(s).
  • tam120
    tam120 Posts: 444 Member
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    I consistently seem to do a lot more for one of my daughers than I do for the other but it has nothing to do with favoring one over the other. I love them equally, I like them each for different reasons because they are so different it's amazing they came from the same parents. The thing is: my oldest daughter didn't need the help that my youngest daughter did, I give what's needed when it's needed. My oldest is much more stable, reliable and is married to a man who works very hard to provide. I offer what I can, when I can but she doesn't require as much "mainenance". My youngest has always been a challenge and that didn't disappear when she grew up and moved out, her challenges just changed. She needed me more, she had more problems, had less resources, she wasn't as stable and didn't have a husband to count on. She's doing much better now but I held her up for a long time when it seemed like I wasn't doing anything for my oldest daughter. That made me feel so guilty that I can't say no to my oldest when she does ask for help, even if I don't want to or I have to change my life around to do it. I feel like I owe her something when, really? Do I owe her anything? Probably not. She never says anything to me about it so I don't even know if she feels this way. I just know that I feel like it's uneven and I have to make an effort to even things out.
  • Stefani74
    Stefani74 Posts: 448 Member
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    I know exactly what you are going through! My mother has her favorite grandchildren...my sister's kids. She took care of them when they were babies. Took them everywhere...the zoo, the park, the fair, the circus. Even followed my sister when she moved out-of-state just to take care of them. At that time I was going through a divorce and my son was only 6 months old. She came to me and said "I know you can take care of yourself." Which I guess that should have made me feel good, but still made me feel like I was totally alone and HAD no one. The entire time the kids were growing up she always did more for my sister's kids on the Holidays. Once we went to visit around Halloween and my mom had fixed my sister's kids each a Halloween basket with toys and candy and not one for my son. He was about 3 or 4 and looked up at me with tears in his eyes and asked "Where's mine Mommy?" Oh you talk about pissed! I picked him up and we took a trip to town and made our own Halloween basket. My sister and I BOTH made sure she knew that wasn't acceptable! She still swears she never made a difference in them. She's not so bad now that they are all teenagers.
  • alliecore
    alliecore Posts: 446 Member
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    It amazes me how selfish people can be and they don't realize what choosing a favorite does to the other one(s).
    OMG that is SO true.

    Some of these responses have almost brought tears to my eyes...just because it makes me so sad to think of you guys, or your kids, having to deal with such blatent favortism.

    I'm really glad I posted this, because it has given me a great perspective check. I will say that my in-laws treat our kids fairly. I could not keep quiet if it came to my kids. They are generally willing to help if I ask. I think that I come across to people as a person who "has it together" and can do things on my own. (This couldn't be farther from the truth...yeah I'm strong, but it's out of necessity rather than because I am naturally strong! lol) When the day is done, I think my MIL doesn't know how to deal with my personality any more than I know how to deal with hers. In that perspective, I realize we both do really well to get along as well as we do! lol

    It seems that a lot of us have the opportunity to choose to do things differently with our kids. Nothing like a bad example to give a boost in the right direction! Cheers to us!:drinker:
  • Becky1971
    Becky1971 Posts: 979 Member
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    Just because they're Christian, don't make them perfect. Christians are just forgiven, but far from perfect. We do strive to do what God would want us to do. Yes, maybe it does seem that they pick favorites, but didn't they already have this planned. Is it fair to them for you to expect them to change their plans they already had? Maybe you are more upset because it didn't work out like you wanted and maybe the younger daughter asked them more often to do things and that is why they do so much with her. There may be more to it than what you are seeing.

    I imagine there is more to it, thats why she's posting. Obviously she can't give us years of whats taken place in one post.

    I am just posting the way I see things. My mother-in-law seems to pick favorites too, but I also see other things that make it seem that way. My sister-in-law ask her to do a lot of stuff for her and makes her feel guilty, if she doesn't. We don't, so of course it is going to be easier for her to just adhere to what my sister-in-law wants. I am sure there are other things she did not post, I am just trying to let it be known what I have seen out of my own family. It has taken me 14 out of the 16 years to come to realize it, but it helps me to be at peace.

    Reading my post again, it sounds kinda snide, but that really wasn't my intention and I'm sorry. I'm all for constructive criticism and getting real. And sometimes there isn't much to say but to try and find peace with it. I just go through this a lot in my head, even as my kids are becoming adults, I still sometimes think "was this just my imagination? Am I just being too sensitive?" But it's just quite obvious. But I know, especially as my parents have reached their 60's and 70's there isn't a darned thing I can do about it, they are who they are, and it's just been extremely important to me to teach my kids Family Value.

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