An outside perspective needed

ashleynicoleb
ashleynicoleb Posts: 376 Member
edited September 25 in Chit-Chat
I'd like to get the opinion of my friends on MFP that will be able to give me an outside perspective, unlike my other friends. I haven't talked to my (former?) best friend since last November. It's not even that we had a huge fight or some event caused us to no longer speak- it just happened.

Ever since the summer before I went to college, our friendship went through a lot of up and downs that I won't go into detail about. She had been my best friend since junior year in high school. We talked on the phone multiple times a day and just really clicked. We did everything together and spent a lot of time with each other. As problems arose in our friendship, a lot of resentment and underlying tension was unfortunately formed, which I believe caused a huge strain on our friendship. One of the biggest issues was the fact that I became really close to another girl and she was just naturally becoming a best friend to me. My best friend was hurt by this and felt as though she was replaced, and, being as stubborn as she is, held it against me. From that point forward and as other issues came about, she just didn't treat me like a best friend anymore.
Finally, last November I kind of had an emotional breakdown and decided to cut out all people I deemed toxic in my life. I didn't want anything to do with people who I felt weren't treating me the way I should be treated- I just didn't feel as though I deserved it.

We haven't talked since. The permanence of our friendship being over is really hitting me hard lately. Early on, I believed that we were just going through a phase and would begin talking again. But we haven't and it's now almost April. It literally causes my heart pain when I hear things about her that I had no clue about. I've almost come to the point of deleting her on Facebook because I get so upset by reading her posts. Lately, I really have been wanting to text her asking her how she's been. Now, because I knew her VERY well, I know for a fact that she is too stubborn and set in her ways to reach out to me first. I feel like it's a battle to see who can hold out the longest. Or does she not even care?

I was always the one to initiate sorting our friendship out and attempting to heal past wounds that caused us to drift apart from one another. Our friendship meant too much to me to be able to just simply walk away and not try to get things back to the way they used to be. I cried A LOT about it. Basically, it wasn't just an acquaintance or a casual friend that I could go without. We'd considered each other as being one another's best friend and told each other EVERYTHING.
We both are definitely guilty of the downfall of our friendship. Both of us contributed to it. It was not at all a one sided deal. I do have regrets.

This is really sounding like a relationship problem with a guy now LOL...but I just miss my best friend.

My question is- should I reach out to her? Or is this simply a part of growing up and going our separate ways? I am really afraid to text her and then not get the kind of response I was looking for. I am CONSTANTLY going back and forth on what to do. I just want closure. At this point, I think I'll be able to deal with either outcome, though I'd love to have her as a friend again.

I'd really love any and all advice you all could give me! Thank you in advance :)

Replies

  • ashleynicoleb
    ashleynicoleb Posts: 376 Member
    Wow, sorry this is so long. It's difficult trying to accurately convey a situation to people who aren't at all aware of anything to do with it. Appreciate those who actually read this lol!
  • Charli666
    Charli666 Posts: 407
    if you dont you'll regret not trying, if your not communicating at all now, you cant lose anything, and you'll know in your heart you tried!
  • lisy28
    lisy28 Posts: 156 Member
    Reach out it will make you feel better and see what happens if nothing comes of it you have tried and gave it you best :o)

    Hope this little bit of advice helps
  • Jbwilson0708
    Jbwilson0708 Posts: 91
    I went through a similar situation and if at that time you thought she was a toxic person in your life what has changed now that ypi think ot would be any diffrent ? I know its hella hard but sometimes growing up and away from ppl isnt :( o hope things gets better
  • sweetheart03622
    sweetheart03622 Posts: 928 Member
    Well, this could go either way. Truthfully, I'm about 5 years out of high school and only talk to one person that I knew in high school (and I met her when I was 8). It could be that you're just growing seperate ways, but if you this upset about it, it might be worth trying to fix. That being said, good friends are hard to come by. If you want to be friends with h er, don't worry about the fact that you "always made the effort", because it doesn't matter. If you reach out to her and she doesn't respond, then she's not as good of a friend as you thought.

    But yea, part of growing up is losing friends and realizing that the ones you thought were really good maybe aren't. You'll find that you have a small handful of really good friends and a whole bunch of casual friends.
  • rfcollins33
    rfcollins33 Posts: 630
    I have been through this. One problem with you reinvesting yourself with her is that she seems like a jealous person. It will be hard for you to form other relationships with other girls because she will resent it and be hurt although she shouldn't. I believe a true friend will like that you have other people who care about you in your life. Just be careful and don't let her isolate you. It can happen. When you decided to step back, you saw that she wasn't really invested in the friendship because she didn't call, right? I assume by what you wrote that you had been the one calling, texting, etc... I have seen friends come and go and it is unfortunate but all you can do is be the best possible friend you can. Jealousy is so puzzling to me. As adults it amazes me that other adults can be so blatantly childish and jealous of their friend's other friendships. Oh well, not to figure out I guess..... Good luck and btw, I obviously don't know whole situation only what you wrote, so that is what my advice was based on. :)
  • CassieLEO
    CassieLEO Posts: 757 Member
    I think you should just swallow your pride and call your friend. You guys need to talk it all out, instead of pretending it never happened. SO, It doesnt happen again to you. Tell her you love her and miss her and just bury that hatchet. Good luck!!
  • koosdel
    koosdel Posts: 3,317 Member
    "...a battle to see who can hold out the longest." Maybe.
    "should I reach out to her?" I would.
  • Jessica_Lo
    Jessica_Lo Posts: 199 Member
    Ashley....you just described the exact thing that happened to me and my Best Friend. Listen to me and reach out to her. Don't let the time go by. I did and now it's 2 years later and there is such a distance b/w us I don't think we will ever recover and I totally regret it.

    Don't be stubborn about it...don't over analyze it. Just reach out to her and don't let the old stuff contaminate you 2 being in each others lifes again.

    Good luck.
  • rjnandjosh
    rjnandjosh Posts: 168
    I had a very similar prob with a friend. I my case I kept trying to contact her sometimes she would have her kids tell me she was not home and I could hear her in the background talking so I just decided to deal with the pain and move on. The pain of the lose gets easier. Sometimes for no reason apparent to you friends stop talking to you. She will be the loser in the long run. your heart will ease and new and better friends will move in place
  • kao708
    kao708 Posts: 813 Member
    I agree, reach out toher. Maybe she is feeling the same way and just doesn't know what to do next. If you reach out and she rejects you, at least you know for sure where she stands on your friendship! Good luck, I hope things turn out well.
  • rfcollins33
    rfcollins33 Posts: 630
    I do also agree with the other posters that if you'll regret, at least try, but be careful how much you invest yourself this time :)
  • themommie
    themommie Posts: 5,033 Member
    I think you should send her a message on fb asking her how she is doing? then go from there, then the ball is in her court . If she doesnt respond or response negatively then I would just leave it. If she response positively I would ask if she wants to get together for coffee or something , tell her you miss her friendship and go from there. Good luck I hope it all works out. Good friends are hard to find,
  • girlofsun26
    girlofsun26 Posts: 140 Member
    Ok I know exactly what you are going through..my best friend since i was 12 had a fallout for 6 months..it was the hardest thing ever to deal with!! She was pregnant at the time and the day she gave birth I finally gave in and sent her a text. She said it was the best news she ever got. She missed me as much as I missed her and she was scared to text me as much as I was to her! The fall out was complete miss communication! I missed out on a lot of things in those 6 months and she did too! I say bite the bullet text her if you get what you were looking for great! If not be in the mind set that its just not meant to be and have closure..Move on. If shes not wanting to be your friend then she doesn't deserve your friendship! I wish you nothing but good luck. I hope either way the pain in your heart subdues and you can be at peace with the outcome.. *hugs*
  • ndking21
    ndking21 Posts: 24 Member
    I totally understand how you are feeling because I'm kind of going through the same situation. I feel like bestfriends are like real relationships between men and women. If you think about it, you call them all the time, you know each other's families, you're always around each other, and you know them better then they know themselves sometimes. I don't know exactly the situations, but I can agree with what you said about maybe yall just grew apart. How yall were when yall first met, isn't the same as how yall are now. So now maybe your outlook on life differs from hers and vice versa. I don't think anything is wrong with you growing as a person and finding your way in life. It shouldn't be taken personally by the other person, but that's easier said than done. Sometimes you have to break away from people to better and learn more about yourself. So I would reach out to her just to explain how you were feeling, and what her friendship means to you. If she is too stubborn, then forget about it because at least you know in your heart that you tried.
  • skinnylizzard
    skinnylizzard Posts: 460 Member
    I think that if you were always the one to reach out first, then that is the dynamics of your relationship and you should be that person. I very much doubt that she doesn't care. If it still doesn't work out then at least you will have some closure. Right now you are being tormented by unfinished business. And I'll bet she is too. You don't have to take the approach that you want her to "take you back", you just need to relieve to relieve this tension by putting things to rest. Who knows, maybe she has been pining over it wondering what the hell happened.
  • amylanphierd
    amylanphierd Posts: 20 Member
    If you miss her, I would tell her that. If you believe you want her back in your life, make sure she knows that. If you believe she isn't going to be the one to make the first move than you need to be. If she isn't receptive to it then you can move on and won't have regrets later. Personally, I would reach out to her in person or by phone rather than texting. As least in person she can't ingnore what you have to say, but be prepared for her to say she doesn't want you in her life anymore.
  • LisaLN
    LisaLN Posts: 54
    Totally agree on making the first move. It could be a start of a conversation where you realize this was just one huge misunderstanding (which we've all had). It could also show you that she really wasn't as good of a friend as you thought if she decides to not acknowledge you. There in lies your answer to that one. Good Luck to you! We've all been there. And being the age I am, I've learned over the years that it's usually 99% just a misunderstanding and stubborness. :wink:
  • just4peachy
    just4peachy Posts: 594 Member
    I went through a similar situation and if at that time you thought she was a toxic person in your life what has changed now that ypi think ot would be any diffrent ? I know its hella hard but sometimes growing up and away from ppl isnt :( o hope things gets better
    This is exactly what I was going to say. Has anything changed to make her less toxic? In January I had to "break up" with a friend (of 15 years) because of the negativity, childishness and resentment. She's tried to reach out twice but I know from mutal friends nothing has changed and there's just not a place for that in my life anymore.
  • zeeeb
    zeeeb Posts: 805 Member
    i don't know what you should do.

    all i have to say is that it is a very liberating friend to find out who your real friends are. before i went and lived overseas for a few years i thought i had hundreds of friends (like i have on facebook) but once i decided that i'm not chasing everyone, and i'm letting go of those who don't keep in contact. i lost most of my friends. and it was liberating. i now don't waste my time and energy on people who really aren't going to be there for me through the good times and the bad. i know who my real friends are and i put my focus on them.

    It's a good thing, and i'd rather know now than find out when life gets bad and the shoulders i need to cry on just dissappear because they don't really care.

    a real friend is gold, and an acquaintance is just that, and really has little meaning. sure i can still enjoy the company of my acquaintances and have a good time with them, i'm not bitter about it, i just know how much priority to give them.
  • michelletyler38
    michelletyler38 Posts: 469 Member
    "...a battle to see who can hold out the longest." Maybe.
    "should I reach out to her?" I would.

    I agree. I've been in this exact situation only some did happen for our friendship to end. I don't think it really matter though. It's pretty much the same thing. In the end we were both guilty of bringing it to an end. I feel like she was more in the wrong, but I'm sure she feels like I was more in the wrong too. I thought about it for a long time, went back & forth, cried & so on. Then one day I just decided to grow balls, get over it & send her a message on Facebook. She never replied. I waited for about a month-ish anxiously everyday hoping for a reply. Then I realized it was never coming. I apologized & tried to be the bigger person. It didn't workout which hurt, but I'm ok with that now. Now the ball's in her court. Not much else I can do without being stalkerish. I say do it when you're ready! You have nothing to lose.
  • ashleynicoleb
    ashleynicoleb Posts: 376 Member
    Thank you SO much for your input- it means a lot to me. I have decided to text her something along the lines of that I have been thinking about her a lot lately and am wondering how she's been. I feel sick over this now :( Hope I don't get my feelings hurt anymore than they already are but I guess that's living and learning and growing as a person...I agree that, no matter the outcome, I won't have to constantly say "what if?" in my head. Thanks again! :flowerforyou:
  • higgldy_piggldy
    higgldy_piggldy Posts: 37
    My best friend is also best friends with a girl she went to college with. Her best friend is also a friend of mine....soooo it's all good with us. You can have more than one best friend.
  • ashleynicoleb
    ashleynicoleb Posts: 376 Member
    So I just wanted to fill you guys in on the response I got. To say the least, I'm THRILLED to have taken your advice! This is one of the messages she sent me....

    "I'm so glad that you messaged me. I even asked my friend if I should email you because I have missed you so much. I don't know what happened either. I haven't had a friendship either where I talk to that person everyday and felt so close with. I just felt so distanced from you and I hate that. I wish we were super close like we were in the beginning. I just felt like people were coming between us. I don't wanna bring up the past but you are really important to me. You always will be and I'm sorry on my part for letting is drift apart. I just want us to be close like before. I really miss you ashley..and I miss our friendship. I've never had a friendship like ours, and I don't ever want to give it up."
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