Emotional Eater Here..Does anyone have a teen that hates her

I don't have any kids but i wonder what happens when your daughter invites people over to your house or to go out at the weekends? Do they go? or is she so scared of rejection she never asks them?

One of the key things in building relationships is giving some of yourself so if she is not engaging with these kids, they may not think she wants to meet them at wekends.

Maybe you could ask her if she wants to arrange an activity she can invite people to.

I don't have a teenager, but I once was one :-) It really can be a hard several years where you're figuring out who you are, who you want to be, where you "fit in," and where you'd like to "fit in." It sounds like she is insecure, about both her weight and her lack of friends. It may not be stemming from her weight, either, because slim teenage girls can also be riddled with anxiety.

These are the years she is going to have to figure out for herself how to make her happy. When she complains about her weight, compliments that her mom says are going to bounce off her ears (think about how many moms you hear telling their teenaged kids to wear their hair out of the way so you can see their pretty faces... Yeah, teenagers don't always listen when it comes to compliments from their parents.) I think it is good you are setting a good example by working out and being healthy, and seeing you lose weight that way will be inspiring to her. I saw my mom lose about a eighty pounds when I was a teenager through running and eating well, and I carry that with me to this day. The most important thing you can do to impact your daughter's self esteem about her body is this: DON'T TALK BAD ABOUT YOURSELF, EVER. EVER. She will hear what you say (and what you've said about yourself up to this point) and see it as an example of what is "normal" to say about yourself. If you say in front of her, "I'm fat," "These pants make me look like a cow," "I can barely squeeze into this shirt, I'm a whale" or anything like that, she will start thinking those things about herself.

Besides having a healthy attitude about weight loss and a respect for your body, the biggest thing you can do to help her with her insecurities is encourage her to find a sport, hobby, or club she'd like to join. When teenagers do things that they are good at, it boosts their self worth. Have her volunteer with an afterschool or church group, encourage her to join the band, get her a cheap guitar or some paints, buy her some cookbooks and help her learn how to cook fun, exotic, weird, healthy foods, etc. Basically, anything she can accomplish (especially if she thinks she can't at first) will help her to feel better about herself, regardless of her weight. And someone who feels good about themselves is better equipped to take care of their health in the long run anyway and more likely to attract people who want to be their friend.

This was kind of a long post, sorry, but I do identify with your daughter, and even now as an adult, when I am in a mood where I feel "oh my gosh I'm so FAT," it's usually because I feel down about myself in other areas of my life too. Remember, you can't make her happy, but you can help her to find her own happiness.

She might need counseling. Why is that not an option you want to explore? She could talk to her school counselor, or you could do a private one. If money's an issue, the county likely offers free services for children. It might be worth looking into, especially if you feel that it's true depression, which from the limited information you're giving here, it's a distinct possibility. If you're worried about anti-depressants and such, then I totally agree with you, but therapy doesn't have to include medication. Just don't consent to drugs, or see a therapist without an MD after their name who doesn't prescribe medication. But I wish I had gotten therapy at her age, I might have learned better to cope with my emotions instead of carrying that weight into my 30's. If it's something you can't handle at home, there's nothing at all wrong with letting the experts help.

But from your own standpoint, there are things you can do. Encourage her to invite a friend over, and help her plan out the visit so they have things to do so she doesn't have to worry about whether her friend will have fun. If she's involved in any extra-curricular activities, show your support by going to events when you can and helping out with some of the things that the parents help out with (snacks, fund-raising, etc.).

I want to caution you against telling her that people won't want to hang out with her if she's always down. I understand your intentions, but in a depressed teenage mind who thinks nobody likes her, that turns into a guilt trip. "Oh, so it's my fault nobody likes me. That makes me sadder." It also encourages her to swallow and bury her emotions, which might be all right in the short-term because it makes social interactions a little easier, but for the long-term, it's dangerous. She needs to find ways to FEEL positive, not just pretend to be positive.

As far as exercise, I think that's an awesome idea, but not for weight loss. Regular exercise can do wonders for depression and self-image. Maybe you could institute a nightly before-dinner walk (or after dinner, if it's still light) where you just walk briskly around the block with her. Make her a deal that she can talk to you, or take her music, or you can walk in silence -- that part is up to her, but the walking pace is up to you, and explain that this isn't about weight loss because you think she's beautiful, but you want to spend some time with her out of the house. On weekends, try to think of things she would enjoy, like going to the movies or a trip to the zoo, that gets you both out of the house. Getting out of the house, even if it's just to the grocery store, will help her feel more connected to the world and help keep the depression from getting worse.

Just don't despair. Don't let her know that you're feeling at the end of YOUR rope, because that will make her feel like she's at the end of HERS. If Mom gives up on her, she'll give up on herself. Hang in there. You guys can get through this together.

This is a hard one, and it involves things that can grow into much bigger issues in the future. I'm still very young so I don't have experience with children myself, but I was there once, and I remember my early teenage years as a horrible time, and still have problems now that stem from the problems I had back then.

Firstly, I think it's important for you to show your daughter that you're there and willing to talk if she needs to or wants to. Show her that you have time for her - even if it seems like very insignificant things, being available is important. When I think back on this period in my life, I can't remember anything that I did together with my mother, and I know I didn't feel like I could talk to her because she was always so busy and rejecting. I second the suggestions about including her in some of your exercise - the walks are a neat idea, and also cooking together with her. But maybe you could try something that doesn't have anything to do with health or body image, like reading a book together (either reading aloud if you like that, or reading it separately but discussing it every couple of chapters) or taking up some type of craft or creative activity (knitting, crocheting, sewing...there are tonnes of things that don't cost much and that are fairly easy to start with). Also always think twice before passing judgement on anything. Never put yourself down in front of her, and do your best not to say negative things about other people - this is something my mother did a lot, and I unconsciously learned that "everything can and will be judged, so if I don't want people to judge me negatively I have to be perfect" which a) carries a lot of problems, and b) is not true (as I am learning). What you say and do affects her in invisible, intangible ways, so try to send the right messages.

It might also be useful to make sure she has an adult in her life that she trusts and can talk to. It doesn't always seem very enticing to talk to your mother, and girls do need other role models - counselling could work, or if she has an aunt, or maybe one of your friends, or even the leader/responsible adult of an activity or club that she's involved in.

As for inviting her friends to do things on the weekends: maybe you could organise for them to do something that doesn't involve shopping at all? Hiking for a few hours in a forest or up a hill, or going ice skating, or something like that. Going to an exhibition or a museum. Or you could give her an appropriate amount of money before the trip and make it clear that she can do with it as she wishes, but you won't give or lend her any (more) money that day. It might seem harsh at first but in the long run it might teach her to prioritise and handle money, which are both very useful skills!

But also encourage her to value her own company, and to do things with you. She won't always have people around her and now is as good a time as any to get used to it.

Lastly, how much do you know about her situation at school? That might be a good starting point for starting to spend more time with her and opening up discussion. At that age I had two big explosions where bad situations at school went from bad to catastrophic (and had pretty significant psychological consequences, including early stages of an eating disorder) and my mother never knew about it until it was rather too late. The first time around I was ashamed and felt like a failure because I couldn't get along with the other girls, and the second time a couple of boys had been bullying me until I didn't have a shred of self-esteem left and used extreme dieting as a way of regaining control of myself. It might be worth looking into things like that before they reach crisis point - both by talking to your daughter and by talking to her teachers and maybe her friends' parents. (Of course, there might not be a problem, but be open to the possibility.)

It is a hard time in life, but it does get better. It's probably very hard for her to see now, but who she is and the way her life looks will be so different five years from now, and it's all we can do to go along with it and try to enjoy each moment. This is something I struggle with myself, but I think it's worth saying.

Also, I'm sure this is very frustrating for you, but it will get better for you, too. Since I moved away from home a year an a half ago (at 18), my mother and I have become so much closer in so many ways, and we both appreciate one another much more than I ever thought possible. We still have our conflicts (we absolutely cannot discuss diet and health, for example) but now I really value having her in my life and prize the time we get to spend together. Getting through this difficult (but limited!) time will be worth it.

I hope you figure something out, and wish you all the best!